JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
...This is all by way of clarifying what led me to introduce this thread: intimate relationships are complicated and sometimes really fraught with ethical peril and, as much as I think consent is really at the heart of the matter, it seems to me that consent cannot be the only measure we use, either in giving form to relationships themselves or in defending/advocating for unconventional relationships to the wider society.
As to that last point, as I noted in a postscript, above, I'm supposing people are likely to get kind of defensive about this, and so put up a defensive kind of argument: "I'm not hurting anyone! Leave me alone!" ("Laissez-moi faire!") That's an understandable ploy but probably not adequate, ethically speaking.
Thank you for starting this discussion, I think it delves deep.
Just because someone gives their consent does NOT meant that I am obligated to proceed (however, much I want to).
At some point we have to concede that people are allowed to make their own mistakes and learn from them...that is their right. It is my right to not participate in the "mistake-making" as I see it.
From my own life, I have an intimate friend (MrClean for those of you who have read my blog). He is attracted to me, I am attracted to him. So, what is the problem? (you may ask)
From his perspective - none.
From my perspective - enough to not proceed.
Objectively:
He knows I am poly (and is really good friends with MrS...and tolerates/is friendly with Dude). He has been crushing on me since before Dude and I got together (i.e. when I was only look for girls). He is in the process of divorcing his wife (HER decision) from whom he has been separated for over a year. We are sexually attracted to each other.
Subjectively:
He is monogamous at heart (which he admits - despite his crush on me). He doesn't want to expose his kids to a non-monogamous situation (I don't mind being a "secret" but don't like the two-faced-ness of promoting monogamy to kids and living a different reality). He falls "in love" with people he is sexual with WAY TOO FAST for my tastes. (Which is not a problem in and of itself...BUT is HUGELY scary for me...who tends to suppress emotional involvement until it can't be denied.) Etc.
So, while he may consent to us furthering our relationship...I don't. I invoke my "Don't Fuck Fragile" rule and choose to remain Friends With limited Benefits...
JaneQ