A newbie to the board sent me a private message because she was not sure where to place her post on the board. Because it is a general sort of question I thought it would fit well here and the discussion of it could help others. She has said she is happy for me to post the crux of her situation and I hope she comes onto the board and involves herself.
Quote:
"My fiance is polyamorous and has been honest about that since the start of our relationship, however the entire concept is new to me. He has had two girlfriends while we are together, and both have ended poorly - however even while they were healthy - I felt very uncomfortable.
He is now entering into another relationship with a girl - who seems very nice. But is still hurts me. I have no issues with the concept of poly, but so far it hasn't suited me. My fiance and I get along fabulously, and have great communication - and I am not willing to throw away our relationship over this difference. However, whenever I voice the physical and emotional discomfort that I have over his polyamory, I feel like I am keeping him from being who he is (which is not fair), and if I sit back and try to cope - I just hurt, physically and emotionally and I don't think that that is fair either. I don't know if there is such thing as a compromise in this situation." end quote.
Ok I totally get where you're coming from I felt exactly the same way in the beginning and it made me miserable. My partner encouraged me to express how I was feeling and I think that's really important. You say that when you voice your concerns you feel like you're stopping him from being who he is. Does he make you feel like that? It would surprise me if he does because you also say you have great communication. I think it's probably only what you're thinking.
A much more useful way to look at your relationship is as if it's a basket which you each fill with parts of yourselves. Your monogamy and associated feelings have just as much right to be in the basket as his polyamory. You try to be as understanding of his polyamory and if he loves you and is committed to
you (which he must be because you're engaged), he will be understanding of your feelings of discomfort and try to move at a pace that isn't too painful for you. Working through this can actually be quite lovely and has really deepened our relationship.
Having said that I do think maybe poly could be easier when you're older and have already done
the monogamous marriage and kids etc. Having done it I know that it wasn't all it's cracked up to be.
I hope this has opened up a dialogue which you can continue on here and get as much support as you need.