Coming out

I say just ignore those people. I ignore those people along with the homophobes and the transphobes, etc.

Then again ignoring pointing fingers is a whole lot easier when you're deafblind. :D

I really like what sweetie said. The only people whose opinion matters are the ones you take home and the ones that care about you and love you.

nim
 
I think if they love you, and you present as happy and centered when you tell them, then they should be happy for you - but they can still worry. My mother ALWAYS worries about me when I talk about a new boyfriend (and my father gets terribly uncomfortable.. I think because he doesn't like the thought of me having sex.. haha).

Now I am opening myself to polyamory I don't expect that to change (though I am sure my mother will gossip about me much more with her husband when I tell her about my new girlfriend AND boyfriend.. haha)...

But sadly our loved ones often have their own insecurities & demons which they might project onto our situations. If you care about your relationship with these people then it's worth remembering that and maybe being patient and more than a little forgiving I think. Let them see you all together.. and how truly happy and at ease you are.. how much you love & support each other... it might make them less judgemental...

There is also (I have found from the friends I've told this last few weeks) a BIG propensity to associate poly attitudes with a desire/freedom for promiscuity. Ha.. I just laugh with them.. let them have their little envious fantasies (I don't blame them tbh, my new loves are both STUNNING!).

In time they will see how dedicated I am to my loves. That I'm not sleeping around and that we are all an important part of each others lives. I am just learning about this lifestyle myself, and my acceptance of it didn't happen instantly. It would be very unfair of me to expect theirs to.

:)
 
I don't deal with it. I tell people on a "need to know" basis. Or if I feel they will handle it well. Most of my friends know, with the exception of people whos friendship is based more on their child's relationship with my son. I don't feel a need to tell them since the friendship on our part is more superficial and the only person who will be really affected by their opinion is my child. Quite a few of my family members know. I've told the ones I know are more accepting. But there are others in my family who still think interracial marriage is taboo-forget gay or poly or anything else. Aside from my father (who thinks this way) I really have nothing to do with those relatives. My dad I haven't told directly but I try very hard to break down his prejudice whenever I get the chance. He's accepting my husband is Hispanic and sis's fiance is black so it's progress. People I CHOOSE to have in my life for myself know. Because I chose them in part for their open minds and acceptance of others. I try not to associate with judgmental and closed minded people whenever possible. And no one needs to know whom I don't want to tell.

Right now my husband and I are again in a mono relationship, so it isn't a big deal not to run around being open about poly. Should we form another relationship we'll worry about it then.
 
Having said all that, I am not "practicing" a polyamorous lifestyle at this time, but I do cat rescue, and people judge me for that, so I do know what I am talking about after all.

Yeah we know all about you cat rescue people....!!:D
 
Help - Rescue Me

ShakeMe.jpg


Just Me,
Tim
 
I keep reading about how much prejudice there is towards us but in my own personal experience it has been minimal. Sure people have a hard time understanding sometimes, but I have been pleasantly surprised at how well my friends have taken it. The worst reaction so far was a friend who argued with me that "she's not your girlfriend! You guys are just fuck buddies".
 
people have written women great stuff in these threads

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=721

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=220

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=728

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=698

Sorry, all but one are started by me. I know what I have written about and remember what is on them... hope that you find something helpful.

I have recently been going through coming out to my mother who hasn't talked to me in 3 1/2 weeks now. It breaks my heart on one level but makes me stronger on another in that we have had remarkable support from others. Being oneself always comes out as the best option as far as I'm concerned. Those who don't have the capacity to love you for who you are, without condition, without expectation always seem to come to the fore front and are the only ones that matter, no matter who they are.... I go to where the love is myself :)
 
I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean?

I don't know! It's a little playful sarcasm because I couldn't figure out what anyone would be prejudiced about towards someone who does cat rescue, I guess....haha. It was meant to be a joke, sorry if I offended you. It only rang a bell with me because I have done cat rescue in the past and never encountered any social problems because of it.:eek:......
 
Re: the thread, though....my sister just called my bf "sleazy" today because of some stuff I told her that is going on. That one stung. I know my family doesn't like my bf at all because of the way he is - they see him as being phony, slutty, unfair, disloyal, dishonest, etc, etc, etc. Oh well. They don't know him like I know him. And the good thing is they stay out of it for the most part. Aside from some name-calling and "ewwww" reactions, they at least don't hold it against me.

I am sorry for redpepper, how your mother won't talk to you now that you told her? I can't imagine how that would hurt.

I actually have a date with a new person this weekend, and I am a little worried how to handle it. I am just going to take it easy, but I am wondering if something more develops how I would face my family....I'm afraid of them saying "ewww now you're doing it too??"
 
Lessons learned in coming out - What I didn't expect

I just thought I would put out a quick blurb about some of the issue I wasn't expecting when we came out to a very resistant but important part of our family.

The stress put on us has at times shaken our faith in what we are building. We are committed and moving forward but have been dampened by re-immerging issues that have already been worked through. This is mainly my issue which I feed on because I get so hung up on being mono.

As the external pressure of disapproval and allegations of my own intentions wash up against the shores of my commitment, I find myself being pulled back into old watery depths of concern which threatened to drown me;

Am I strong enough to be with a poly woman; not with who is in her life now but in who may come in later?

Can we really have a future?

Am I unfair in my requirements to be healthy?

Can I survive in a social circle primarily poly in nature without feeling people are just friending me to get to Redpepper?

Am I giving up a "normal" life I have been in for so long and feels so comfortable to me?

The list goes on but these are all questions I have answered and ultimately the answers all lead to one thing...forget everything else...We have a very fortunate and special "V" that has paid its dues and put in the work. We have committed to each other and genuinely love each other. No outside opinion will take us to another path, only our own will.

Above everything is the fact that Redpepper is the most radiant, trustful, loving and wise love my head, heart and soul have ever met. She is my definitive passion and partner. If something wants to get in my way of loving her it will have to come from inside and be a fuck of a lot bigger than anything we have seen yet. End.
 
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If this Was Fb I would Be "liking this".

Thats a great list of lesson learnt.

Mono. You Rock.
 
Awesome!
It's so nice to hear you talk about working through your own thoughts/fears/issues etc.
One of my frustrations is being surrounded in real life with people who are afraid or otherwise unwilling to look deeply into themselves.

On the previous board I frequented (not a poly board) I was endlessly encountering people who believed whatever they believed was right "because that was what they were taught" as a child and the same is true in my day to day life. It drives me NUTS.

It's a breath of fresh air to see other people looking deeper into themselves, getting past what someone else said and really looking into the deeper truths of their life. ;)
 
Those are questions I think all of us have to deal with--I had to work through many of the same things as a poly man facing a relationship with a poly woman. Those seem pretty universal to me.
 
I guess the main point of this thread was to bring up the issue of re-immerging concerns due to new stresses. Not that these questions had to be answered for the first time.

Either way, something to watch for :)
 
Mono you just put into words the place Im at in my life with LR.In my counseling meeting We talked about not trying to "GET RID" of the feelings and the hurt and the doubts. But rather setting them in a vessel in our minds and working through them one at a time.To get rid of them would be to lose a part of ourselves.

I know that I will ,in time, be able to put those evils away and not have them rear there ugly heads. Keep up the good fight and put your fears and worries in a vessel and set them in a safe place in your mind where they cant hurt you and they cant get out.
 
maca, that's basically how I handle things in general and all I went through in the beginning of our poly relationship. I imagine putting each of the hurts in a box and would try at times to take them out and deal with them when I was in a better frame of mind. There were times I could barely crack the lid on the box before it was too much to deal with and then there were times I could really take them out and work on them. Now, those boxes don't require the lids much less the tape to hold them closed. I agree with your counselor, I wouldn't want to get rid of these boxes. The hurts they hold were some of the absolute worst I've ever endured but, they have made me the person I am. And I am rather proud of the measurable distance we've come when I view them now.
 
I agree with your counselor, I wouldn't want to get rid of these boxes. The hurts they hold were some of the absolute worst I've ever endured but, they have made me the person I am. And I am rather proud of the measurable distance we've come when I view them now.

You can say that again quad! I know exactly what you mean. I have a little box in my mind and there was a time when opening it was more then I could handle. Then I got to a point where the lid could be cracked and one step at a time I found myself where I am today-which is a place where I know I can safely peer inside with pride that the amount of growth I've made since those pains were controlling my life is amazing and worth a good amount of deserved self-confidence.

I can't wait to see Maca reach that point (not trying to rush him), he's a good man and he deserves to see himself the way I see him. I daresay that RedPepper feels so about Mono as well-hoping he see's himself the way she can see him. It's hard to see someone you know is SO worthy feel like they might not be! But it's SO amazing when you get to see your love for them reflected and know that they finally love themselves that much too!
 
Coming out of the closet?

A while back, my husband and I separated following his affair. He ended things with her, and we got back together about three months later. Seeing him grieve for her was an eye-opening experience for me, and when he asked me about trying an open relationship, I agreed to consider it quite seriously because I care deeply for him. I began to see that he has always been poly, and since we got together young, he didn't have a chance to figure that out on his own.

I read up, and interviewed some friends who have open relationships, and observed their interactions for about 6 months. In the end, I agreed that with some rules in place to protect my feelings, he could have some flexibility to see other people as well.

Since then, and totally unexpectedly, I crushed on a mutual friend of ours, and the relationship has turned romantic and sexual. My husband is very supportive, and I am enjoying the experience so far.

My best friend, however, doesn't know. She's shown judgemental attitude toward this kind of lifestyle before, and I didn't mention it to her before because I thought it was just going to be my husband playing with others, and that's really none of her business. Keeping the fact that I have a boyfriend from her is awkward, but I am afraid of her reaction.

Does anyone have a similar experience, or words of advice to share?
 
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