MsEmotional
Member
I have another relationship ethics question....
How important is it to you that your partner adhere to the same ethical standards as you -- when it comes to their other relationships?
Ponytail and I disagree on what constitutes "cheating." Ponytail has been in a relationship with a married woman before. He doesn't know if her husband knew -- to him, it doesn't matter because he had no relationship with the husband and therefore had no ethical obligations to the husband. He believes that relationship agreements should only pertain to the people in the relationship -- so if she was cheating on her husband, that's her breaking her relationship agreements. And if she and her husband had some kind of open arrangement, then that's fine too, but it isn't his issue to worry over.
My sister's friend is in a similar situation. She and her husband have an open relationship, but her boyfriend has a girlfriend in another country who doesn't know about his relationship with my sister's friend. My sister's friend doesn't seem to have any issue with the fact that he's cheating on his girlfriend with her -- to her, it's his responsibility to manage that relationship, not hers.
I must say that while I understand this line of thinking (that you are only responsible for honoring the agreements of your own relationships), it unnerves me a bit. I would not be okay with having a relationship with someone whose other partner didn't know. Ponytail's relationship with the married woman was something like 8 years ago, so it's not a pertinent issue at the moment. But it is still a pretty significant difference in the way that we view relationships.
And it makes me wonder -- if (in present day) Ponytail ended up having a relationship with someone whose partner didn't know, how would I feel? Would that be a hard limit for me too? If my partner's partner was cheating? What about if my partner's partner's partner was cheating? At what point is it no longer my business?
(I've posted this in General Poly Discussions because, although I used my personal relationship experience as an example, I'm not really asking for advice about my situation with Ponytail. I am mostly just looking for discussion on the topic of your relationship ethics versus your partner's relationship ethics.)
How important is it to you that your partner adhere to the same ethical standards as you -- when it comes to their other relationships?
Ponytail and I disagree on what constitutes "cheating." Ponytail has been in a relationship with a married woman before. He doesn't know if her husband knew -- to him, it doesn't matter because he had no relationship with the husband and therefore had no ethical obligations to the husband. He believes that relationship agreements should only pertain to the people in the relationship -- so if she was cheating on her husband, that's her breaking her relationship agreements. And if she and her husband had some kind of open arrangement, then that's fine too, but it isn't his issue to worry over.
My sister's friend is in a similar situation. She and her husband have an open relationship, but her boyfriend has a girlfriend in another country who doesn't know about his relationship with my sister's friend. My sister's friend doesn't seem to have any issue with the fact that he's cheating on his girlfriend with her -- to her, it's his responsibility to manage that relationship, not hers.
I must say that while I understand this line of thinking (that you are only responsible for honoring the agreements of your own relationships), it unnerves me a bit. I would not be okay with having a relationship with someone whose other partner didn't know. Ponytail's relationship with the married woman was something like 8 years ago, so it's not a pertinent issue at the moment. But it is still a pretty significant difference in the way that we view relationships.
And it makes me wonder -- if (in present day) Ponytail ended up having a relationship with someone whose partner didn't know, how would I feel? Would that be a hard limit for me too? If my partner's partner was cheating? What about if my partner's partner's partner was cheating? At what point is it no longer my business?
(I've posted this in General Poly Discussions because, although I used my personal relationship experience as an example, I'm not really asking for advice about my situation with Ponytail. I am mostly just looking for discussion on the topic of your relationship ethics versus your partner's relationship ethics.)
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