Polyamory and Parenting

For those who raised their minor children while being openly polyamorous ...

1. What issues (if any) did your polyamorous lifestyle create for your children?

2. What proactive measures (if any) did you take to ensure that any negative issues were minimized?

I ask because my in-laws have known about us being polyamorous for 9 months now and they haven't warmed up to the idea at all. Given the fact that they came around to the fact that their daughter is gay and their son is bi with (relative) ease, I figured they would eventually accept our relationship choice as well. But there has been really no movement on that front. Their concerns (at least, as they have been stated), are all about the welfare of our children. For the life of me, I can't really figure out why.

Last week, when my mother-in-law picked up on the fact that all five of us (me, Glasses, our two kids, and Ponytail) would all be going somewhere together for lunch, she bent over backward to ensure that the kids stayed over at her house instead. Glasses pointed out to me that the kids have lunch with me and Ponytail alone at least once a week. The only reason we happened to mention this particular lunch was because all five of us would be taking the same car and therefore we needed to borrow a narrower carseat. So, ironically, they freaked precisely because it was abundantly clear that their son was going to be there too.

It got me thinking. What is it that they are afraid of? I keep trying to figure out what negative impacts this lifestyle could have on our kids and I just honestly can't come up with any. As a teacher, I have come across kids in all kinds of unusual family shapes and sizes and it just doesn't seem like a big deal. Is there something I'm missing?

They seem to think it is obvious why we shouldn't "expose" the kids to this "lifestyle." I don't really know what it is that they think is so obvious though?

Am I being really naive? Are there issues that I should be more cognizant of?

Edited to Add: Just to be clear, I am wondering what kinds of issues could arise for the kid. I am definitely aware of the struggles of parenting and polyamory (schedules, coordinating childcare coverage, etc) from the parent perspective.
 
Last edited:
My kids were on the older end of "minor" when I started doing poly, and one of them was legally an adult by the time they found out. So I can't really speak from experience to the impact poly might have on younger children.

However, through my boyfriend, I know several older teens/young adults who were raised from birth in poly households. In some cases, they lived with their parents, who had other partners who were around sometimes; in at least one case, it was a household in which a few members of a polycule cohabited. In all of their cases, they seem to have grown up to be happy, well-adjusted, independent young people, with very open minds about other people and their relationships, etc. Most of them are also poly; whether that's because they just are, or because they grew up seeing it, I don't know, though certainly growing up seeing it at least let them know it was an okay thing.

From a purely speculative standpoint, I think the biggest issue that would arise for kids growing up with poly parents would be other people's opinions and judgment. I don't believe there's anything inherently negative or damaging for kids who are living with a poly situation, any more than there's anything inherently negative for kids growing up in a mono household. But when kids are young, they are sometimes very impressionable when it comes to what other people say (e.g. "Grandma says this is bad, and Grandma's a grownup and I love her, so she must be right"), and many kids go through (a) stage(s) where the opinions of others, especially their peers, matter a LOT. If a child is exposed to constant negative judgment about their parents'/family's life, they might start to judge it negatively as well, at least for a time. Or they might feel pressured to hide the truth, or pressured to defend their family.

On the other hand, I see a lot of possible *benefits* for kids in a poly situation. Being more open-minded about various relationship structures. Having more adults around to care about them, advise them, be role models for them, or just plain be there for them. Seeing their parents live in a way that brings them happiness and (hopefully) peace, as opposed to trying to live against what they feel to be right for them. Being more accepting of a wide variety of people, preferences, etc. (That isn't to say that none of this is possible in a mono situation, just that it seems like poly situations would amplify these things.)

I wonder if your in-laws have gotten the all-too-common impression that poly is all about the sex, and don't want their grandchildren exposed to "that kind of thing." It's the same line of thinking that unfortunately still leads a lot of people to say that homosexual couples shouldn't have children. Some people simply don't grasp that it isn't all about sex, and sometimes isn't about sex at all; they simply hear alternate relationship structure and their minds jump into the gutter.
 
But when kids are young, they are sometimes very impressionable when it comes to what other people say (e.g. "Grandma says this is bad, and Grandma's a grownup and I love her, so she must be right"), and many kids go through (a) stage(s) where the opinions of others, especially their peers, matter a LOT. If a child is exposed to constant negative judgment about their parents'/family's life, they might start to judge it negatively as well, at least for a time. Or they might feel pressured to hide the truth, or pressured to defend their family.

I think this is true, but I guess that's why I'm confused....If the major source of damage comes from the fact that other people would judge them because of their parents' choices, then why are my in-laws being so judgy? It feels like a self-perpetuating problem: "Your kids are going to have a hard time because they will be judged. Therefore, we are going to judge you in an effort to convince you to not do this thing that we believe will cause them to be judged by people like us."

I wonder if your in-laws have gotten the all-too-common impression that poly is all about the sex, and don't want their grandchildren exposed to "that kind of thing." It's the same line of thinking that unfortunately still leads a lot of people to say that homosexual couples shouldn't have children. Some people simply don't grasp that it isn't all about sex, and sometimes isn't about sex at all; they simply hear alternate relationship structure and their minds jump into the gutter.

Yeah. I don't know how to help them see it differently. I guess I feel like doing normal things like a fun lunch together with the kids should be one of those things that we *should* be doing to convince them that it is *not* all about sex. But that's exactly the kind of thing they freak out about.

Maybe we should bombard them with evidence of us doing normal things without the kids around? Like text them pictures of us going grocery shopping, taking walks to the ice cream parlor, playing board games.....just to show them that we are normal people and even if we could be having sex, sometimes we just hang out?

But of course then I think they would accuse us of ignoring the children so that we can frolic about eating ice cream and playing board games. :confused::(
 
I think this is true, but I guess that's why I'm confused....If the major source of damage comes from the fact that other people would judge them because of their parents' choices, then why are my in-laws being so judgy? It feels like a self-perpetuating problem: "Your kids are going to have a hard time because they will be judged. Therefore, we are going to judge you in an effort to convince you to not do this thing that we believe will cause them to be judged by people like us."

There is little to no logic in prejudice. I would bet your in-laws don't even think they're being judgmental, because surely *they* wouldn't do that. *Other people* are the ones who will judge, so your children must be protected by you not doing anything people might judge. (Read the previous with a touch of sarcasm.) I don't think they see their behavior as judgy, only as them trying to protect their grandchildren.

Yeah. I don't know how to help them see it differently. I guess I feel like doing normal things like a fun lunch together with the kids should be one of those things that we *should* be doing to convince them that it is *not* all about sex. But that's exactly the kind of thing they freak out about.

Maybe we should bombard them with evidence of us doing normal things without the kids around? Like text them pictures of us going grocery shopping, taking walks to the ice cream parlor, playing board games.....just to show them that we are normal people and even if we could be having sex, sometimes we just hang out?

But of course then I think they would accuse us of ignoring the children so that we can frolic about eating ice cream and playing board games. :confused::(

Truthfully, even though I can see that your in-laws' behavior is difficult for you, and I'm sure for Glasses and Ponytail and probably for the kids, it isn't up to you to change their minds. They have made their decision, and from the way you describe them, they don't seem like the kind who are going to realize they're wrong, and certainly not the kind who would admit it even if they did realize it.

In my opinion, the best thing to do is use this as a teachable moment (or several) for your kids: "Grandma and Grandpa don't understand how things work with us, and because they don't understand it, they're afraid of it. Unfortunately, a lot of people are afraid of things they don't understand, and that causes prejudice. We can be kind to them and recognize that they're scared and want to protect you guys, but the way they're thinking isn't correct." In other words, instead of trying to teach your in-laws that you guys aren't doing anything wrong or damaging, teach your kids how to handle it when they encounter people who are prejudiced or closed-minded, because I guarantee this won't be the last time. And I think your kids are probably more likely to understand and accept the lesson than your in-laws would be.
 
Hi MsEmotional,

I am going to venture a guess that your in-laws are afraid that your children are going to "catch the poly disease" and turn into polys themselves because of the "bad example" you are setting for them by modeling poly behavior. Obviously I don't agree with this concern, sure there's a chance your kids will grow up wanting to be poly too, but then I don't think that's a horrible outcome.

Your in-laws may have additional concerns, I'm not sure what those might be. You would have to ask them, and I don't doubt that that would turn into an ugly conversation.

The only real problems for kids that I have heard of, are, first, if the kids repeatedly mourn when various partners become exes and disappear from their lives. And second, is if things are pushed onto the kids and they aren't given a choice in the matter. Such as, telling the kids that "this is your new father" and insisting that they call him Dad. Or, parading the poly situation in front of the kids' friends without the kids' consent. If you aren't doing such things, then there shouldn't be a problem.

Unless, and this can be a problem in any family with exposure to relatives, unless one of the poly partners molests or otherwise abuses the kids. We'd like to think that poly relationships are safe from such abuses, but such is not always the case. FWIW, I don't think the chances of molestation are any greater in a poly family, but, that's my opinion. Your in-laws may have another opinion about that.

I think awareness of the possible pitfalls is the best possible defense. For more on the possible pitfalls, see http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=272077

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
There is little to no logic in prejudice. I would bet your in-laws don't even think they're being judgmental, because surely *they* wouldn't do that. *Other people* are the ones who will judge, so your children must be protected by you not doing anything people might judge. (Read the previous with a touch of sarcasm.) I don't think they see their behavior as judgy, only as them trying to protect their grandchildren.



Truthfully, even though I can see that your in-laws' behavior is difficult for you, and I'm sure for Glasses and Ponytail and probably for the kids, it isn't up to you to change their minds. They have made their decision, and from the way you describe them, they don't seem like the kind who are going to realize they're wrong, and certainly not the kind who would admit it even if they did realize it.

In my opinion, the best thing to do is use this as a teachable moment (or several) for your kids: "Grandma and Grandpa don't understand how things work with us, and because they don't understand it, they're afraid of it. Unfortunately, a lot of people are afraid of things they don't understand, and that causes prejudice. We can be kind to them and recognize that they're scared and want to protect you guys, but the way they're thinking isn't correct." In other words, instead of trying to teach your in-laws that you guys aren't doing anything wrong or damaging, teach your kids how to handle it when they encounter people who are prejudiced or closed-minded, because I guarantee this won't be the last time. And I think your kids are probably more likely to understand and accept the lesson than your in-laws would be.

I know I can’t expect to be able to change their minds. It’s just heartbreaking. Glasses was in tears the other day because he is so hurt by the breakdown of his relationship with his parents. They used to be so close and now everything is so strained.
 
Re:
"It's just heartbreaking. Glasses was in tears the other day because he is so hurt by the breakdown of his relationship with his parents. They used to be so close and now everything is so strained."

I'm sorry to hear that. :(
 
Most people in our society - especially the older generations who grew up in conservative/religious environments - have been indoctrinated into the belief that straight, monogamous coupledom is the "right" way to live life because it's the norm and/or sanctioned by God and State.

Therefore legal marriage is still seen by many as the top of the totem pole of righteousness... closely followed by straight couples who are engaged, date and/or live together in defacto relationships. Arguably, next on the list of "acceptable" lifestyles might be stable LGBTIQ partnerships, if those "judging" have come to view such living situations as valid, or, just as likely, grudgingly concede that the world has changed and there's nothing they can do about it.

Thus far however, polyamory has not achieved the same level of "acceptability", or even awareness or understanding among general society. Many long-time monogamous people may be confused as to what poly actually entails, that is, if they've even heard the term at all.

Despite accepting their LGBTI daughter and son - or maybe because they feel they've already been asked to accept lifestyles they don't wholeheartedly agree with - your in-laws are probably struggling to understand where they "went wrong" as parents now that Glasses has also come out as living in an unconventional relationship (especially if his parents are religious or very conservative in general.)

Their fears may be along the lines of:

--- They don't know exactly what goes on in your home, or what their grandchildren are exposed to, therefore their imagination tells them it's possible your kids may see or hear sexual goings-on, or be taught to embrace a lifestyle they consider inappropriate or morally wrong. They may assume a certain level of debauchery is a given.

--- They may be worried that your kids will be the butt of jokes and bullying at school or in the community, when and if other people "find out".

--- They may be worried that the children, and even Glasses himself, may be ostracised and/or denied opportunities in his career because of it.

--- They are probably embarrassed, and concerned about their OWN standing in the community, should their friends, other relatives, neighbours, work colleagues discover the truth. They may worry they'll be asked awkward questions or be shunned by others if they're seen to accept the situation.

--- They're probably fearful that you and Glasses are leaving yourself open to potential disease/STIs because of the addition of other sexual partners who they don't know or trust.

--- They MAY fear that YOU - or Ponytail - have coerced their darling son into this arrangement, or convinced him to behave in a way they don't understand or believe is contrary to his nature.

Basically, judging those who choose to live polyamorously/non-monogamously is rooted in fear, ignorance and shame. It's a form of "slut shaming" and prejudice - but, I have to say, an understandable one to some extent - especially for people of Glasses' parents' ages and background - given the social mores of the culture in which we live.

It is sad that being honest with Glasses' parents about this issue has led to a straining of the relationship between all of you. They're unlikely to learn more about the way you live if they refuse to engage in calm, reasoned conversation about this, instead of choosing to bury their heads in the sand and ignore what they don't wish to see.

It's been nine months... some people on this board have mentioned that it can take 1-2 years before parents come to accept the truth of their grown children's lifestyle choices. As long as the parents aren't actively trying to turn your children against you, or gearing up to fight you for custody... you could agree amongst yourselves to give them more time, and extend a level of patience and tolerance to THEM that they seem unwilling to give YOU. However, at some point, the stress might leave you no other option than to cut ties with them. I hope it doesn't come to that.
 
I'll just add... to answer your questions:

My children were both legally adults by the time they became aware I'm in a poly relationship, although one is still a student and lives at home with me.

It doesn't directly affect them (yet) because my relationships are long distance, although it might in the future if I move overseas. They have both been VERY understanding and have accepted the situation, as have the close friends they've told. Sometimes they even tease me about it, but not in any kind of malicious way.

In all honesty, I may well have been loath to tell them if they'd been a few years younger (say, tweens or young teenagers). Perhaps that is MY prejudice and fear talking, but I deliberately waited until they'd graduated school and had more independent lives, friendships and relationships themselves before I sprung all this upon them. However, IF I'd been involved in poly from the get-go and my kids had grown up seeing multiple intimate relationships as normal, I think it would have gone easier than introducing the concept to them at an age that most kids are struggling to make sense of the world/relationships/trying to "fit in" and not be seen as weird or different.

Edit: I should also add that my "kids" didn't just have to accept my poly-ness, but also learned at the same time that one of my partners is another woman. They weren't especially fazed by either.
 
Last edited:
1. What issues (if any) did your polyamorous lifestyle create for your children?

None. But my children are like me relatively private people. We are open but not in your face with our lifestyle.

2. What proactive measures (if any) did you take to ensure that any negative issues were minimized?

None. Other than raising them to be bully proof in general.. I raised my children to be open minded towatds others and different lifestyles.

My mother has an issue with my lifestyle. TBH she has had issues with me since I was a teen and at 44 she will still bring up what I did at 16. I cut her out years ago. She has chosen to be high and mighty and not be there for her grandchildren and play favorites.

My younger boys just saw her last month when they went to Chicago with Butch to visit family. They are 15 and 11. They called their older brother to visit with him since he lives there. My mother brought up my being poly and seeing Murf often. And how I was being selfish. My oldest at home looked at her dead in the face and asked where were you for my birthday, Christmas, and etc. Reminded her that she took my oldest son on vacations and left him and his younger brother behind. That she spoiled his older brother. And forgot they existed. But yet Murfs Mom who has no blood ties to him has been nothing but accepting. He alao pointed out all the things Murf has done for him. The trips he has taken them on. The events he paid for. Gifts, moral support, acting like a second dad. That I do not leave them behind that he chooses to stay home because he likes to be home. He wants stay at home after a long week game and play with his parrot.
 
Last edited:
Thank you for all the replies and experience....

So what I am hearing is that there really isn't something that I'm "missing." There isn't a big problem for the kids that I am being naive about.

I take comfort in the fact that my own parents are totally fine. They spent about 50% of their most recent visit doing things with me and the kids and Glasses and the other 50% doing things with me and the kids and Ponytail. They enjoyed spending time with both of us and were happy to get to know Ponytail.

My sister (who was the most reluctant of my immediate family) recently called me to talk about a friend of hers who is in an open marriage and get advice for her friend. She also told me how much she appreciates the way that Glasses and I are doing polyamory, versus the way that her friend is doing their version of non-monogamy.

In a lot of ways, I feel really lucky. I just wish that Glasses's family could do the same.

Ginger is coming back into town after being away since the winter. We are all really excited to have Ginger and his kids stay with us. But, again, my in-laws refuse to meet Ginger and get uncomfortable at the mention of him or his kids. I am sad that my in-laws won't welcome Ginger and his kids over for dinner the way that they do when other friends or family come into town. Glasses's sister has a friend whose family (including their three children and dog -- which my in-laws are allergic to!) comes to stay with my in-laws every year around the holidays. They have invited friends-of-friends who were in town to stay at their house or share a meal together. It's just weird and so very unlike their natural reactions to friends and family that they don't even want to meet Ginger and his kids.

I wouldn't necessarily say that Glasses's parents are conservative or religious. I think their issues stem from the fact that they are both children of divorced parents -- and there was cheating involved in one or both of those divorces. I think they project their own discomfort with their parents' choices onto our kids. Kind of hard to reassure them when they are being triggered by their own childhood trauma. I just wish they could see how much more detrimental it is to avoid this issue at all costs than to just acclimate to it slowly and naturally so that they can see that it is something that makes us all really happy.

Right now, the big issue is that we are exploring the idea of Ponytail moving in. But of course we forget that (at present) we avoid having Ponytail at the house if my in-laws will be dropping by to pick up or drop off the kids. If Ponytail lived with us? It would be unavoidable. Ponytail can't be expected to hide in the basement every time they come over. Either our kids wouldn't see their grandparents, or we'd have to go to elaborate lengths to arrange drop-off and pick-up that doesn't involve them coming to our house, or the grandparents would have to suck it up and learn how to be exposed to Ponytail's occasional presence. Given how little progress has been made on the "in-law desensitization" front, I am afraid we'd be left with only the first two options.


Just babbling now. Thank you for the responses.
 
For those who raised their minor children while being openly polyamorous ...

1. What issues (if any) did your polyamorous lifestyle create for your children?
None that I know of. When the teens were younger, there were sometimes questions, and they were answered. I'm fairly certain that "Wait till you hear how weird my parents are" provided a little social capital when they were preteens, but it was a big yawn as they became teens. They totally get nonmonogamy, have friends who choose various versions of it, and don't seem that interested for themselves.

In the toddler's primary environment (Mitch's town), my second partner isn't ever present, so we pass as mono (only because nobody asks). When we are in Woof's town with the teens, the toddler doesn't seem to find anything weird about my close relationship with Woof.

2. What proactive measures (if any) did you take to ensure that any negative issues were minimized?
We talk to our kids about how families come in all shapes and sizes, love is love is love, not treating people like things, and many other positive messages that ultimately work to undermine patriarchy, heteronormativity, and monocentrism. But these aren't specific to being polyamorous - these are ideas we want our kids to understand generally.

If they ever ask about polyamory, or tell us what someone else said about our relationships, we listen and have an honest conversation about the specifics, the social context, our own thoughts and feelings, and whatever else seems to need addressing. But this is true of their questions about *everything*.

Polyamory is just another aspect of life that gives us a chance to show kids our values - honesty, integrity, respect, individuality, acceptance and celebration of differences, etc. There's no need for special mitigation strategies, in our experience.


Their concerns (at least, as they have been stated), are all about the welfare of our children. For the life of me, I can't really figure out why.

Non-specific "welfare" concerns are trolling and should be treated as such. Maybe a stock answer when vague concerns are expressed: "Be specific, or stop hassling us."
 
I just hope that Glasses' parents will not say negative things about you, Glasses, or Ponytail in front of or to the children.
 
I thought of one more thing the in-laws might be worried about, I'll describe it from their point of view. It may have occurred to them that poly takes time (and energy). Each "extra" partner has needs for time and attention. What if the kids get neglected while you're off spending time with Ponytail? for example. Or while Glasses is off spending time with Ginger? Maybe this is something the kids themselves would worry about. The in-laws may see poly as an irresponsible lifestyle and if you're irresponsible in that way, maybe you'll also fail to properly feed and clothe the kids. As well as fail to spend time with the kids. That's how the in-laws might be seeing it.

The truth of the matter is that if anything you guys are *more* responsible due to being polyamorous. You have to keep a carefully-managed schedule and calendar in order to ensure that no one gets neglected, including the kids. But the in-laws are not trusting you to do that.

Anyway, that could be one of their concerns.
 
I thought of one more thing the in-laws might be worried about, I'll describe it from their point of view. It may have occurred to them that poly takes time (and energy). Each "extra" partner has needs for time and attention. What if the kids get neglected while you're off spending time with Ponytail? for example. Or while Glasses is off spending time with Ginger? Maybe this is something the kids themselves would worry about. The in-laws may see poly as an irresponsible lifestyle and if you're irresponsible in that way, maybe you'll also fail to properly feed and clothe the kids. As well as fail to spend time with the kids. That's how the in-laws might be seeing it.

The truth of the matter is that if anything you guys are *more* responsible due to being polyamorous. You have to keep a carefully-managed schedule and calendar in order to ensure that no one gets neglected, including the kids. But the in-laws are not trusting you to do that.

Anyway, that could be one of their concerns.

I think you are right. Even when the girls get to do fun stuff with Ponytail and I, my in-laws likely have the perception that that is time that takes away from (rather than is added to) time that they would spend with Glasses and I. And so they see Ponytail as an interloper — in danger of replacing Glasses.
 
Yeah, like in their minds, time the kids spend with Ponytail "doesn't count." Just guessing of course, but.
 
Aside from them worrying that you'll eventually leave Glasses and that you're ruining his marriage and family.... many people who don't understand polyamory at all just assume it's all about sex. So it's quite possible that they just don't like the idea of the kids being exposed to your "sexual deviance!"

I have to wonder.... does Glasses openly talk about HIS partner in front of them? It might help if he does a bit more to make it clear that it's not just you having other partners. The other thing I would consider is that if they can't accept your lifestyle, to consider limiting their contact with the kids. Mainly, I'd be concerned that the kids would pick up on their judgemental opinions (as someone else asked.... are they saying negative things in front of them?!). It's one thing to prepare them to face judgement from other school kids or the rest of the world, but you have the option of minimizing their exposure to it from family. Plus, it would force your in-laws to come to grips with their own views.
 
Aside from them worrying that you'll eventually leave Glasses and that you're ruining his marriage and family.... many people who don't understand polyamory at all just assume it's all about sex. So it's quite possible that they just don't like the idea of the kids being exposed to your "sexual deviance!"

I have to wonder.... does Glasses openly talk about HIS partner in front of them? It might help if he does a bit more to make it clear that it's not just you having other partners. The other thing I would consider is that if they can't accept your lifestyle, to consider limiting their contact with the kids. Mainly, I'd be concerned that the kids would pick up on their judgemental opinions (as someone else asked.... are they saying negative things in front of them?!). It's one thing to prepare them to face judgement from other school kids or the rest of the world, but you have the option of minimizing their exposure to it from family. Plus, it would force your in-laws to come to grips with their own views.

Glasses doesn’t talk about his other partner to his parents and he hypothesizes that they have completely forgotten about Ginger’s existence. It’s hard because we don’t actually talk about the poly stuff at all because they are so sensitive — the only time it comes up is when my in-laws hear something from the kids and freak out. Ginger lives out of state and so our daughters aren’t talking about him the way they talk about Ponytail. Glasses agrees that it would help if he found some non-threatening ways to bring up Ginger more with his parents so that they realize that it’s not all me and Ponytail in this polyamory extravaganza. But it’s hard to talk about anything without triggering a meltdown from his mom.

We are lucky in that they don’t seem to have said anything at all to the kids about their disapproval. The kids still joyfully mention how excited they are to see Ponytail and my in-laws just get tense and change the subject. Eventually the kids might pick up on the more subtle signals of disapproval, but at 3 and 5 years old, so far they are oblivious to all that.
 
Back
Top