Where is the time?

rauhajoule

New member
In light of a recent breakup based on mismatched relationship expectations, I've been doing a lot of self-reflection on what I'm offering in my relationships. Particularly when it comes to time.

I work a full time job, volunteer for a couple different organizations, care for a bunch of household animals, attend social events regularly, and spend time with friends. Between all of that, I don't always have a lot of time left over for my partner(s), let alone myself. And I'm not willing to give up things in my life that I enjoy and that make me happy just to make more time for partners.

I've started to identify more with solo-poly in the sense that I don't have any desire (at the moment) to live with a partner. Nor do I have a desire to become financially or legally enmeshed with a partner. Nor do I place an expectation of longevity on my relationships. I enjoy having my life, and I enjoy them having their life, and I enjoy time that we get to spend together for however long it lasts.

It makes me wonder how folks manage to practice polyamory AND participate in life activities. I follow BlueBird's blog and am simply blown away by how much she manages to do every week. And MsEmotional and others who also care for children.

How do y'all find the time for everything? Is there just a lot of doing life activities with partners? Is there a lot of kitchen table poly? Is there a lot of co-habitation? Is there just not a lot of other life activities happening?

Note 1: not really looking for personal advice, more curious about how others' relationship models fit into the rest of their lives.

Note 2: If there was already a discussion along these lines, my apologies for duplicating - I wasn't able to find a recent thread on this topic.
 
IME, when my schedule has been packed, it's generally been easier to maintain multiple intimate relationships. For instance, I returned to college fulltime, had an almost-fulltime job, ran a student organization, co-headed two other off-campus groups, & was trying to get my writing published. During that time, I had five simultaneous intimate friendships. (FWIW, none were monogamous to me.) Individually, we were all past monogamy, & all overbooked -- that might mean most people/relationships can't get there

Let's say that I'd had one closed monogamous relationship. In order for us to maximize our "together time," she would have had to wait diligently at home for those random moments when I didn't have to work overtime or meetings actual finished on schedule, or she'd have to follow me around & wait for my obligations to end, or always be prepared to drop whatever she was doing when I called to update.

Instead, it wasn't difficult to coordinate my schedule so as to have time with my various lovers. It wasn't unusual for one or more to be at/near campus sometime during the day. They kept different schedules, so I might close out a long day with one who worked the midnight shift.
 
I agree with Ravenscroft that it probably works best when nobody is monogamous and/or you are partnered with others who are similarly busy with non-relationship stuff. Laptop, for example, has two intimate relationships (not including whatever it is that is going on between him and me) and is also super busy with his work. We see each other once every couple of weeks and, on both sides, that frequency is unlikely to increase.

When Ponytail and I were first dating, I was a teacher. If you know anything about K12 education, there is a LOT of take-home work. And a lot of 24/7 stress. Plus, of course, I have two young children at home. Since Ponytail's job involves confidential material that he cannot take home, and he has no other partners, it was pretty much impossible for him to keep up with my level of busy-ness.

As it happens, I have been looking to leave K12 education for quite awhile, and so when I got overwhelmed with life earlier this year it was relatively easy to decide to drop down to part-time. But of course I still needed income, so I took on other part-time jobs. Now I am working a total of 5 jobs ( :eek: ) and so I wouldn't say that I am less busy. But I have more flexibility in my schedule and I work less at home than I used to. It fits better with polyamory than my previous schedule. Today, for example, I went to a meeting downtown and then met up with Ponytail for lunch. There's no way I could have had lunch with him during the day when I was teaching. Now that I'm thinking of it, maybe I should see if it would work for Laptop and I to meet up for lunch sometime when I have meetings over in his area of the city....

I guess what I'm trying to say is, the flexibility of your time is more important than the amount of time that you have.
 
Thank you both for sharing! Your input leads me to another question... Are the logistical aspects of polyamory easier for people who lead busy lives?

(I definitely identify as one of those people who's always signed up for "too many" responsibilities. Ravenscroft, your college schedule sounds very similar to mine back in the day.)

Do people who aren't used to a busy schedule struggle more with polyamory?
 
I'm kind of on the opposite side of this. During the school year, I work 1-2 days a week. I don't do any volunteering. I have friends, but they aren't people I actually spend time with for the most part; they're people I'm friendly with if we happen to run into each other at an event or something, and otherwise we like each other's posts on Facebook and that's about it. I go to 2 or 3 munches a month. Outside of poly, that's the extent of my social life.

My husband works quite a lot, partly because I can't work more than I do (health issues) and partly because he wants something to do. When he isn't working, he's usually playing online games. We don't interact much; he doesn't interact much with anyone and prefers it that way. So he is busy, but even when he isn't, we don't spend time together other than sleeping in the same bed (sometimes... sometimes he doesn't go to bed until after I get up in the morning) and sometimes having sex. He isn't poly.

My boyfriend works full time and has a number of other activities, as well as having other partners he sees regularly, and what seems like a ton of friends he spends time with occasionally. He and I have one scheduled night together a week, and we talk on the phone every weekday. Otherwise, he isn't available to me unless it's an emergency.

I recently broke up with someone because he decided he couldn't give me the amount of time and contact that I feel I need in a relationship. At the time we officially broke up, I'd only seen him once in two months, and that was only because we ran into each other somewhere. He didn't have other partners, he just didn't have much time for anything other than work.

I don't have advice to offer about coordinating schedules. I do know it's a lot easier to deal with Hubby not spending time with me since I have my boyfriend, and when I was seeing the other guy, it was a lot easier to deal with the limited amount of time I have with my boyfriend. It would probably be easier still if I actually had things going on in my life.
 
I'm in a closed V. No kids, just a couple of cats. We don't have a lot going on other than work, so it is easier to get time together. I don't know how busier people do it; lots of practice I guess.
 
“How do y'all find the time for everything? Is there just a lot of doing life activities with partners? Is there a lot of kitchen table poly? Is there a lot of co-habitation? Is there just not a lot of other life activities happening?“

My schedule currently is medium-busy. I have childcare responsibilities, dinner with a friend twice a week, two monthly poly events, a monthly sleepover at my best friend’s house, and occasional extra stuff (visiting with relatives, potlucks, cuddle parties, chronic illness support group, etc). Added to this is the fact that thanks to my health, I don’t drive.

So, yeah, co-habitation (or finding people who don’t mind coming to my place), doing life activities with partners, and kitchen table poly are basically exactly how I manage it. Going out on dates is the exception to the rule for me, and even when my LDR boyfriend visits, we sometimes have ‘dates’ like grocery shopping together. Lucky for me, I like it this way.
 
How do y'all find the time for everything?

I make time. I have a small zoo and have a tween and a teen. I get up early in the morning to take care of my pets whenI am hime. When I am not my kids do the animal care. I have 2 dogs, 2 cats, 4 birds (Conure, cockatiel, and 2 budgies), a ferret, and a guinea pig. Plus I own another dog with Murf.

I work full-time and so do my husbands. I work 8 to 5 Monday through Friday. My guys work less traditional hours. Murf works daytime 12 hour shifts with rotating days off. Butch works 7 days is off for 2. Then works 8 days and is off for 4. He shifts between first and second shift.

Is there just a lot of doing life activities with partners?

Yes most of my time with my partners just envolves living daily life.

Is there a lot of kitchen table poly?

Actually no. I own two seperate homes with each partner I split my time 50/50 between the two. Sometime my youngest and or one of my dogs or the ferret will go with me back and forth.

Is there a lot of co-habitation?

I live with both men in separate homes.

Is there just not a lot of other life activities happening?

I live a busy life and share my daily life with both men. My kids have events. I volunteer with a parrot rescue. I train my one dog for different sports. We travel. I shoot archery.
 
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It makes me wonder how folks manage to practice polyamory AND participate in life activities. I follow BlueBird's blog and am simply blown away by how much she manages to do every week. And MsEmotional and others who also care for children.

You and me both!

How do y'all find the time for everything? Is there just a lot of doing life activities with partners? Is there a lot of kitchen table poly? Is there a lot of co-habitation? Is there just not a lot of other life activities happening?

When I was married, working/volunteering, and my children were younger, I had no interest in polyamory and would not have had the time or energy to devote to another partner or partners.

Nowadays my circumstances are different: I am not currently working due to health issues... although I was when the relationships began. I live with one of my grown children (the other comes to stay every second weekend)... and we only have one dog and a fish now, whereas our home used to be a menagerie. Admittedly, I do all of the housework and most of the shopping and cooking, pay the bills and generally keep the ship afloat as my daughter is a full-time student and works, has a boyfriend etc.

I am the hinge in a poly "V", however we are long distance, which naturally provides ample space and time to communicate with both partners. I call each partner at specific times each day, and these do not normally conflict due to my partners' differing schedules. We see each other rarely, because I live in a different country to my partners, though when I have visited, I've seen both together... and also separately. This works, as they know each other well and are great friends.

I am planning to move to their country next year, and we intend to live together in a closed "V" arrangement, so this will also allow us time enough to spend together, AND pursue our separate interests and obligations (one of my partners works full-time and the other is a full-time student). We are older, so none of us has dependent children anymore, though we all have pets, friends and outside interests to which we choose to devote time and energy.
 
Do people who aren't used to a busy schedule struggle more with polyamory?
Well, I'm unsure. It could easily be so, but that's certainly a matter of my (fortunate) experience, a complicated busy person surrounded with complicated busy people.

Are the logistical aspects of polyamory easier for people who lead busy lives?
Not really "easier" so much as more consonant, overall a better fit.

I'm trying to think of a good visual analogy, but nothing comes to mind. :eek: Anyway: generally, things that are simple are rigid; things that are flexible tend to be more complicated.

If "polyamory" is limited to its simplest case, like a non-cohabitating closed vee, it's not much more complex than basic monogamy. Even simpler if everyone's work obligations align (e.g., no need to constantly be aware who's doing what shift this week or might get called in at any moment).

But moving at all beyond that, the "simple" falls away, & it becomes quickly more important to work on "flexible" even if that requires more initial effort, constant maintenance, better communication, etc.

(A major benefit of always being in low-level "problem-solving mode" is that people communicate more, rather than fill time with mere chatter. As a result, they form deeper bonds. And when time is short, there's less space for "niceness" so people learn to cut right past the bullshit & get stuff fixed efficiently. As a result, they improve their ability to trust their partners, & as well better trust themselves.)
 
My two cents?

People differ in myriad ways..., temperament, "style," approach, attitude, and on and on.... Often one type cannot even begin to imagine the other type 'from the inside'.

If I were to meet someone I really, really like, and they feel the same way, I'm going to really really want to see them more frequently than twice a month or less. And probably for more time than an hour or two (rushed). It's difficult for me to see it as "a relationship" if folks get together no more than twice a month for a couple of hours. To me, things -- like getting to know one another -- requires time. And not a little time. A lot of time.

But that's how I approach things that matter. I give them lots of room to breathe and lots of time.
 
I find that my main issue with time is that my schedule is opposite that of my partners. My nesting partner works mornings from like 5am to 9:30am. The new guy I am talking to usually works more of a traditional schedule of 9-5 and then I work evenings from like 2:30-11 generally and I also work weekends. Until very recently I also worked 7am-9am M-F so I would sleep during the day between shifts. I am hoping that by dropping that job I will have more free time, at least during the summer until classes start up again in the fall.
 
...I follow BlueBird's blog and am simply blown away by how much she manages to do every week...

Me too! Just reading her blog exhausts me.

How do y'all find the time for everything? Is there just a lot of doing life activities with partners? Is there a lot of kitchen table poly? Is there a lot of co-habitation? Is there just not a lot of other life activities happening?

I work 70-80 hours a week and take call every 4th night. My boys live with me and don't work outside of the home, so they are mostly always at home when I am (although not necessarily AWAKE :rolleyes:). They take care of everything else at home - I just work and pay bills. We don't have kids, we have a couple of pets.

My best friend and I talk most days and get together a few times a week, usually I stop by on my way home from work for dinner or drinks. (She has kids).

I get really stressed if I have too much on my schedule outside of work. I like a fair amount of alone time (generally when the boys are sleeping or we are all just doing stuff on our computers). Our hobbies are generally time flexible and can be done alone or together depending on interest. Reading, music, home improvement stuff, movies, eating good food and drinking good beer.

When one of us is dating that does mean that we may have to pay attention to schedules more (depending on how many of our vehicles Dude has up and running at any given time :rolleyes:). Kitchen-table poly and cohabitation certainly make things that much easier for us. Most of my "others" have been more FWBs or lover-friends and friendly with all of us.
 
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