The Insanity of "Coming Out"

So I recently had an experience that made the point of how hideous our current societal norms are with respect to monogamy.

My therapy is my 12 step program fellowship. Several weeks ago on a Sunday afternoon, I thought I would go to a different meeting. I saw one in the directory relating to Sex and Sobriety. I thought. Hmmm. I like sex.... I like sobriety, I will try that meeting. Then I thought, that is probably a men's meeting.... yep..... it is also probably a gay meeting..... yep. But I went anyway figuring the gay experience is a more out of the box and they will identify.

Well yes, I was correct, it was a gay meeting. Great group of guys. We each had an opportunity to share. I shared that I had come out to my wife as poly about 4 months ago.

Sharing this in a group in this context illuminated the preposterous nature of this confession. Yes, I am married. Yes, I have a girlfriend. No my girlfriend and I have not had sex, but it is a very intimate relationship. Yes, my wife and I have swung so we are not virgins with regards to openness.

So what is the essence of my confession..... "That I have the ability to love more than one person".

HOLY CRAP, STOP THE PRESSES. This is blasphemous and newsworthy..... NOT!

The huge news should be on the other side of the coin. People who can't love more than one person should be of greater societal concern. Like if you are diagnosed with Monogamy, you should go to the doctor.

Doctor: What is wrong.
Patient: Once I am in a relationship. I no longer have the ability to Love.
Doctor: I think I know what it is... Your "Heart" or "Lover" is broken. You have........ Monogamy.
Patient: Will I be ok?
Doctor: I am afraid not. You will live a marginalized and less than full life.

Now I am not saying there is anything wrong with Monogamy. But neither should there be an issue with Poly. Poly should be as normative as monogamy.

This is really just me working on casting off societies chains, that I have allowed placed on myself. And this little experience allowed me to see the hideousness of the "Coming Out" process.

End of Rant... Back to your regularly scheduled program.
 
Hi CaptainUnderpants,

It sounds like your "confession" wasn't well-received at the twelve-step meeting. That is unfortunate. It's possible it has something to do with the fact that it was a gay meeting. Gay people are already marginalized, they can't afford to be further marginalized by embracing poly. At least maybe that's how they feel. In any case, coming out is a risk.

Hopefully you'll have better luck in your future confessions.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi CaptainUnderpants,

It sounds like your "confession" wasn't well-received at the twelve-step meeting. That is unfortunate. It's possible it has something to do with the fact that it was a gay meeting. Gay people are already marginalized, they can't afford to be further marginalized by embracing poly. At least maybe that's how they feel. In any case, coming out is a risk.

Hopefully you'll have better luck in your future confessions.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

NO, NO, NO...... The gay guys were very supportive. You misread the tone of my rant.

The tone was that....Here I am taking this thing seriously, like it is some type of important confession when in reality it is no different than confessing...

"I have a very big secret....." (listener waits with baited breath.... "what is it?"

"I like ice cream".... Well no shit, every body likes ice cream. Why would that be a secret.

So the point is that in my own mind, I created an unnecessary amount of negative energy around the label, that simply isn't warranted. Shame on me!

But thank you for your compassion, as I know you are a caring person.
 
Ah -- I'm glad to find out that I misread that. Maybe this is a sign that poly is becoming more widely accepted. :D
 
I think that "coming out" is easier when you are already seen as that weird/marginalized/unique kind of person. My friends and coworkers have always known that I have girlfriends...so when it came up that I have two GFs at the same time, nobody was really surprised. People raised an eyebrow when I told them that I was marrying my husband...but it was mostly the idea that I was with a guy than the fact that my GFs were coming along.

In my life, people have handled my family structure similar to how they handle my sexual orientation....they try to sweep it under the rug so it doesn't make them uncomfortable. I have some friends I'm pretty open with, but the rest of the world just doesn't need (or want) the details. My boss has the "yeah, sure, just do what you need to do" attitude when I have to take time out for my family. Both of my GFs are known at my job because GF#1 drops me off and picks me up from work every day.

It bothers me a bit that people don't see my life the way they see the lives of "normal" people, but I've always been different so I guess I'm used to it. One thing that has stuck out is that mono/hetero women have their pregnancies celebrated practically everywhere they go. Baby showers at work, that sort of thing. Outside of my faith community it hasn't been that way for me, and people have reacted with a bit of confusion.
 
I think that "coming out" is easier when you are already seen as that weird/marginalized/unique kind of person.

Exactly. This has been my experience as well.

Despite being in a "normal" hetero marriage for a quarter century, most people in my orbit have always perceived me as a bit of a weirdo/eccentric. I look different, am a loner, and have never really behaved in an expected fashion.

After I (officially) separated from my husband, I started the process of coming out to family and friends, including my grown children, who accepted the fact that I'm in two relationships - with a man and a woman - pretty much immediately. The only significant people in my life who don't know are my parents and a few elderly relatives.

Yes, some questions were asked, but these mainly centred around my living situation, as my relationships are both long distance and I plan to move countries to be with my partners... rather than curiosity about the relationships themselves.

One thing that has stuck out is that mono/hetero women have their pregnancies celebrated practically everywhere they go. Baby showers at work, that sort of thing. Outside of my faith community it hasn't been that way for me, and people have reacted with a bit of confusion.

Why is that, do you suppose?

I assume people don't think either of your girlfriends have miraculously impregnated you. Is it because you're all raising your children together, communally, and your friends/workmates feel uncomfortable discussing how this works in practice, and/or if Ares is the father of all the children?
 
lunabunny and majormerrick, I quite agree with you: somehow it seems easier to come out once you're already outside "the Norm". Within my social circles I have often been marginalised as a weirdo. There are some people to whom I feel I cannot possibly come out as poly for I know their reaction might hurt me or other people badly (my parents, one of my siblings, my partners' parents, and anyone who might tell them) but otherwise my friends and family have mostly just raised an eyebrow, for poly and for other non-mainstream choices, with reactions ranging from "oh my god you must be so unhappy and deranged that you're doing this weird thing" but then dropping the matter, via "well, each to their own" to the most positive one I ever got from someone close: "well this sounds fecking weird to me but if you're happy then I'm happy for you".
 
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