Excited for poly, but oh so nervous...

Echo

New member
hello, my name is echo and i have been with my husband for 7 years in a monogomus relationship. Just recently i was able to open up to him and express myself, and explain my needs and desires. I have always been pansexual and i am VERY interested in women. I love my husband but he does not fufill my sexual needs that i desire from a woman. At first i was met with a huge hell no, but after talking over things he has realized that maybe there is more to life and love than just this. So long story short, we have kind of found some one we are interested in. we are all getting along great, and i have so much compersion for this new found joy, watching my husband light up when she texts him. (btw, i have been with this woman once, we have seen eachother 4 times, my husband has yet to meet her but they text) i love the conversations my husband and i have had about this, and i love the thought of it all working out into a strong healthy triad. For some reason tho, for the last two days i have been drowning in feelings of sorrow, loss, a slight bit of jealousy, and fear. Im amazingly greatful for how much just talking about this with my husband has broke down some walls and really opened up our relationship and how much closer it has brought us. I also know that the feelings i am having are just old habbits dying hard, but i cannot help but feel like crying my eyes out over this overwhelming awesome situation that some how has me worried, even tho it feels so right and i know what i want. I guess what i am getting at is, is there any of you who felt this confliction? and how did you get passed it? i dont want either of my lovers to feel like im not happy in this bc i soooo am, but i just cannot seem to shake the fear of the unknown, the fear ill be left out, or the fear he will love her more. I want this, but im just nervous, i guess im just looking for some support, some advice.....im so happy and so sad, its drving me nuts to be in this crazy vicious circle of emotion with myself. Im sure im just being selfish, and clingy, and maybe im just letting my mono mind scare my polly mind....idk....any words???
 
Hello Echo,

It sounds like you are worried that you'll be left out, or that he'll love her more ... at least some small part of you is worried about that. Have you talked to him about these fears? If so, what was his response? Hopefully Polyamory.com can help you. You must realize that poly situations are not perfect, things can go awry, so, it is perfectly reasonable to have fears about that. On the other hand, our fears can blow things out of proportion, like maybe it isn't *that* likely that you'll be left out, or that he'll love her more. By giving voice to these fears, you give him the opportunity to reassure you. Then you might feel better. But talk to him about it first.

So far it sounds like things are going pretty good with the new person. I hope that will continue. Keep us posted.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you so much for your response and support! I spoke with my partner last night, and I realized that I am being jealous and insecure however, I believe I feel that way because I'm used to getting all his attention, and it's fine that I'm not getting it all now, but I believe that I am just a bit over exposed maybe? We were constantly talking about all this new stuff, always talking about or third, always seeing them text.... I believe I just need to set up some time where its just him and I only, no texting or talking about our third during that time. I'm completely fine with everyone else getting this same time set aside for them, but I need some alone time with him that is uninterrupted, I feel that will diminish my bubbling jealousy and insecurities. You were right when you said I probably feel left out or that he will love her more. I know that's just my perception at this very point BC I am having these issues, but I really believe that setting alone time will fix everything. I spoke with him last night and he was totally there for me and supportive but of course he cannot fix it for me or even tell me how to fix it myself. After some soul searching this morning I feel so much brtter. I really do appreciate your help and support! It really means a lot to know there is someone out there that I can truly talk to. Thank you again!
 
No problem; it sounds like you just need some exclusive time with just you and him. If you set that up, I think it will help you with your jealousy/insecurity. Good luck!
 
Hi, Echo, and welcome.

You and your husband are both brand new to polyamory, so it's to be expected that there will be some nerves, some insecurity and even jealousy. You will all make mistakes along the way, so it's in your best interests to read and research as much as you possibly can in this "lead up" time, before you become fully immersed... especially in regards to subjects such as triad dynamics and common poly traps like "couple privilege", hierarchies vs fully equitable relationships, "unicorn hunting" and of course, strategies for managing jealousy.

Since you are hoping for a FFM triad - one of the most difficult poly structures to get "right" and maintain successfully - it's essential you become well-versed in managing the dynamics involved, as well as reading up on the myriad pitfalls.

Realise from the outset that this is not going to be "one big happy relationship" OR "married couple" + "third".

In reality, a triad consists of the triad relationship itself AND three "dyads" --- you/husband, you/girlfriend, husband/girlfriend --- and ALL relationships will need attention and nurturing.

You also have to realise that each separate dyad will progress at its own pace; one may grow and flourish before the others, and that's normal. Don't try to force or insist that ALL the relationships must develop at the same rate or expect them to share the exact same degree of intensity at all times.

At the moment, you/girlfriend have the "advantage" of having met and shared sex already, while husband/girlfriend have not. However, as you're discovering, it's a dubious advantage - and possibly the cause of your current insecurity - because, opening up being your idea, and having already established somewhat of a real world relationship with this woman, you are beginning to perceive (if subconsciously) that hubby's relationship with girlfriend might soon "catch up" or "overtake" your own budding romance with your girlfriend.

Please try not to stress out about this too much. Allow things to develop as naturally as possible. I'm sure you must have an inkling by now if you and new girl are compatible, sexually, romantically and in other ways (?) If a spark exists, go with it without overthinking or trying to "quantify" who loves who "more".

Husband and girlfriend don't really know yet if they will gel on a physical, in-person level. Let them work that out. It may transpire that one "couple" among the group seems initially more compatible - intellectually, romantically and/or sexually - but this can wax and wane over time, as with any relationship, mono or poly.

I do agree that EACH dyad needs some time exclusively set aside for them, without interruptions or discussion of the other. Also, don't forget... after you all meet, you will need to carve out time for the "triad" itself... time you ALL spend together bonding as a group. This doesn't have to be in bed, but can involve just hanging out, playing music, going out to dinner, watching a movie. Triad dynamics are time-consuming and intense because of the multiple layers of inter-relating.
 
Thank you so much for your insight. I think you hit it right on the mark with a lot of the things I have been thinking over.


Since I posted this thread, I have spoke very deeply with my partner and we have decided to set aside us time for now, and will work out a time frame that works worth everyone for set times with one another for now. I did realize that I was letting my insecurities run my emotions, and have since searched out the answers within myself. This is all new to us and just a few months ago I NEVER would have thought we'd be here lol, but i am so elated with joy just watching my husband light up over her texts, and the idea of seeing them together and enjoying each other makes my heart fill up with so much happiness. I know that there will be three relationships that will need tending to, and I'm very happy you brought up the dynamic of that, and how it might not evolve equally, and the idea of that makes me nervous only BC I do not want anyone to feel left out or left behind. I am very focused on things being equal so there is no hierarchy or anything like that, I truly would like to see this become an equal thing.. I appreciate you brining up the fact that it might not all happen perfectly equal when stating out and getting the relationships to develop. I hadn't really thought about that, but now you have planted that possiblity in my mind so if it does happen that way I won't get discouraged because now I have been some what prepared for that.


Like I said my husband and I have never done anything like this, and it has all just falling into place for it to happen for us... We weren't looking for it I just kind of found us. So that being said do any of you have any beginners advice? As I stated before we are hoping for a Triad, but we will see what the future holds for us with that in mind is there any other things that you might think of that are common errors people in Triads make, or maybe some advice as to how to go about something? This is all just new to us and I'm welcome to any and all advice, I can already see that this is a very big Growing Experience not only for me personally but for my relationships as well. It's a whole new perspective and way of thinking, and honestly I love how open it has made my marriage. We can talk about things that we were never even able to discuss before, we have grown so much and you just the last month. I'm excited for this new walk of life, and then Joy of loving and being loved. It honestly blows my mind that I've ever lived any other way. But I could also just be saying that because I'm not knees deep in this quite yet, so I would be very open and accepting of any and all advice, or stories that any of you might have to share with me that might pertain to my situation. I just want to do this right I want to make sure that I keep both of my partners very happy. I thank all of you for your time and for replying it really means a lot!



Thankfully yours,
Echo
 
Thank you so much for your insight. I think you hit it right on the mark with a lot of the things I have been thinking over.

So that being said do any of you have any beginners advice? As I stated before we are hoping for a Triad, but we will see what the future holds for us with that in mind is there any other things that you might think of that are common errors people in Triads make, or maybe some advice as to how to go about something?

I would be very open and accepting of any and all advice, or stories that any of you might have to share with me that might pertain to my situation. I just want to do this right I want to make sure that I keep both of my partners very happy. I thank all of you for your time and for replying it really means a lot!

I've been in a poly "V" for about two years, and at one stage we were considering a triad situation, but it didn't quite work out that way.

You can read our full story in my blog "The Accidental Polyamorist" by Lunabunny, in the blog section. I/we made a lot of mistakes and our situation is still in flux.

If you have any specific questions or issues, Echo, feel free to post them in "Relationships Corner"... there are many experienced poly folk on this board who'd be more than willing to offer you advice based on their own thoughts and experiences.
 
None of the following is intended as mean-spirited. I accept that you are a good person -- that the three of you are good people -- but I would like to steer you away from having your hopes crushed.
Just recently i was able to open up to him and express myself, and explain my needs and desires. I have always been pansexual and i am VERY interested in women. I love my husband but he does not fufill my sexual needs that i desire from a woman.
  • You decided that you (individually) need to have sex with women.
  • The two of you agreed to "open up" so that you could have sex with women without violating your relationship's agreements.
  • You set him up with someone.
  • He's crazy happy right now, living with the fantasy.
  • You have backed off your desire for her. She drps almost completely out of the narrative except for how excited she makes him.
It becomes increasingly tenuous from there.

First, I should note that referring to her as "our third" indicates she's not a real person yet, not deserving to be at all equal to you & your husband (the Real Relationship). You refer to him repeatedly as "my partner" as though it's just him, & excluding her. You've already got a hierarchy. The three of you ought to work on that.

We weren't looking for it I just kind of found us.
You are far too modest. YOU hooked him up with someone you knew, someone you (reading between the lines) may already have had sex with. You selected her specifically. This blocked him from going out & exploring without your direct control. He did not choose -- he accepted the only option he was given.

You are harboring hopes that you & her are going to have a sexual relationship, right? (Or is she going to be the "stay-at-home wife") while you go out dating?) How does your husband feel about this? Is he going to allow you & her to have sex when he's not getting in on the action? How will you feel when they're together & you're not involved? In short, is she just an add-on accessory to (you + him), or will your interactions with her be working toward equality?

Is it HER that you actually want? How many women have you (personally) dated in hopes of finding an intimate partner? Is she "Miss Right" or "Miss Right-Now"? Is she someone you are already emotionally attached to, or someone "good enough" who kinda-sorta fits into your preconceptions of ought to be?

All of this ought to be discussed between all three of you. And soon. Please let us know how it progresses.
 
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