I keep noticing a recurring problem among some guys (almost always straight & cis-gendered) who are coming to the forum because they are struggling with a polyamorous or non-monogamous female partner:
They cannot handle the slightest thought of their female partner doing something sexual with another guy. It is basically the end of the world as far as they are concerned. Like, complete meltdown territory.
Although these guys often at least try to be okay with their girlfriend having sex with other women, they refuse to examine the issues underlying their feelings about other men.
Now, I don't think that these guys should try to be non-monogamous/poly at all or that they need to accept their girlfriends being non-monogamous. (Usually, they should break up with their partner for incompatibility). BUT I do wish these guy would examine the patriarchal roots of their feelings.
Because, their feelings basically come down to one or several of these ideas:
I am running out of patience for guys with these issues. Guys who have a foursome with another couple but then have a meltdown watching their wife with the other guy. Guys who insist they don't want to be poly because "cuckoldry" isn't their thing. Guys who encourage a girlfriend to kiss another guy then just couldn't ever bear to kiss her again, or to reflect on why they felt that way. Guys who just insist that their partner dating other dudes is a hard limit, absolutely impossible no way end of the world.
Like, it's fine not to want to be non-monogamous or poly. But maybe you can face your inner unconscious misogyny even while being monogamous?
They cannot handle the slightest thought of their female partner doing something sexual with another guy. It is basically the end of the world as far as they are concerned. Like, complete meltdown territory.
Although these guys often at least try to be okay with their girlfriend having sex with other women, they refuse to examine the issues underlying their feelings about other men.
Now, I don't think that these guys should try to be non-monogamous/poly at all or that they need to accept their girlfriends being non-monogamous. (Usually, they should break up with their partner for incompatibility). BUT I do wish these guy would examine the patriarchal roots of their feelings.
Because, their feelings basically come down to one or several of these ideas:
- that his girlfriend becomes damaged goods as soon as another man touches her
- that the guy becomes a "cuckold" (not in the consensual kink/fetish way) if he "lets" another guy do something with his girlfriend
- that something terrible happens as soon as another man's penis enters his girlfriend's body
- that when this happens, his girlfriend proves herself to be a slut
I am running out of patience for guys with these issues. Guys who have a foursome with another couple but then have a meltdown watching their wife with the other guy. Guys who insist they don't want to be poly because "cuckoldry" isn't their thing. Guys who encourage a girlfriend to kiss another guy then just couldn't ever bear to kiss her again, or to reflect on why they felt that way. Guys who just insist that their partner dating other dudes is a hard limit, absolutely impossible no way end of the world.
Like, it's fine not to want to be non-monogamous or poly. But maybe you can face your inner unconscious misogyny even while being monogamous?