Questioning polyamory after loss

In the last year, I have experienced loss in three relationships. One ended after only a few months due to issues with their other partner, but the relationship was quite intense and ended abruptly without closure. One was with someone I lived with for three years but who chose to end our relationship and move out of our home in order to be with someone we met at a community event. One was with a person I lived with for two years who was terminally ill and wished to spend their remaining time with their family, which we both agreed was best. They died a year later, only a few months ago.

Honestly, I feel I failed. I am married and my partner tells me I have not failed at all, that I've done all I could to be open and trusting but that the circumstances surrounding each loss have been beyond my control. Logically, I know my spouse is right, but part of me feels frustrated because they have two partners of their own, one for about 7 years and one for 2, and they have not experienced a series of losses like this. I have no wish for their relationships to end or for them to know this loss. Their partners are both wonderful people and they are an amazing partner to me. It is just difficult to accept what feels like platitudes rather than words formed by understanding.

I've been openly polyamorous for almost half my life now, but I'm unsure if I have it in me to trust the words and intentions of other people anymore. One part of me questions the intentions of anyone who might approach me, wondering what they want to take before they go. Another is listless, a creature of depth and connection left starving. Polyamory, which used to feel like such a world of warmth and growth, now feels barren and cast in shadows, haunted by ghosts. I feel I must have taken a wrong turn, that if I can get turned around then perhaps I can find my way back to the place I was before I discovered that around me turned to shadow and dust.

I am not sure if this is something anyone else can empathize with, but I do know I am tired of feeling lost. I will always be polyamorous, but I struggle to feel like I belong anymore.
 
Hello WanderingPolymath,

I'm very sorry that you have experienced so many painful losses in such a short time. You must feel betrayed by poly, like poly has stabbed you in the back. Like maybe you do not want to trust poly in the future, or at least that's how you feel right now. And maybe you feel worn out, from enduring one painful loss after another.

As for your spouse, you probably look at their two other awesome partners and feel envious, like what did you do wrong that you couldn't have something like that? I think you are going through a grieving process. Like maybe you are on anger or depression (or both), and you can't just "snap out of it," it's not like someone can just "blow sunshine up your butt." Grief is a process and you have to go through all the stages, some more than once. It saddens me to say that you will probably continue to be in pain for awhile, I don't know how long.

Take care of yourself as best you can. Go through the motions if that's all you can do right now. And, keep posting here whenever you feel the need. Sometimes it helps to vent. We'll try to respond with words of comfort if we can. And try not to give up on poly, and try not to give up on yourself. You are a good person and deserve some happiness.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I won't say I completely understand what you're going through, but I have an inkling, and it definitely isn't pretty. Your trust, self esteem and sense of identity has taken a beating.

A couple of years ago, my decades-long marriage broke down and very recently, another integral relationship ended. Though I've not always identified as poly, I have long had abandonment issues due to incidents in my past, and do not adapt to "enforced" change very easily. These losses/life changes have left me feeling lost, confused, bereft...

What I will say about your situation is that all these recent losses appear to have stemmed from very different circumstances. There was not one common factor, meaning it's very likely NOT a reflection on you as a person, or due to anything you personally lack or did "wrong". Call it "bad luck" or unfortunate coincidence that all these losses took place so close together chronologically, because, had they occurred much further apart (we all suffer losses throughout our lives), it most likely would not have hit you so hard, to the point of questioning your own poly nature and trust in others' words and good intentions.

On top of it all, you must be grieving the loss of your former partner/friend who died. A situation like that leaves you both feeling abandoned by them AND grieving their loss. There may be some - or a lot - of suppressed anger, in addition to the emotional numbness and deep sadness you feel.

The list of losses is not the "fault" of poly itself, however poly does have a way of emphasising the extremes of life and love, both positive and negative. So, while there may be "double the love" (or triple, or quadruple or infinite) during the good times... the bad times can plunge us to exceptional depths of pain, due to the simple fact that more people's decisions and emotions are in the mix.

Remember, you were NOT responsible for any these unfortunate recent events, WanderingPolymath, which may leave you feeling both frustrated and helpless (because the outcome was not within your control)... but will hopefully assuage some of your current feelings of self doubt relating to your own choices, judgement and decision-making ability after the initial healing time has taken place. At the moment, it's all too much to process. Take it slow and give yourself time.
 
Wow. Look at how much love you have given to the world. And how much it deeply means to you to give it. Incredible generosity and tenderness.
 
questioning polyamory after breakup

Hi,

I'm new to the forum and I opened this thread because the title sounded like I was looking for, though I can't claim my experience is in any way similar to yours, WanderingPolymath. I'm really sorry to hear what you went through. I do feel compassion and I hope it gets better.

I guess I'm also kind of asking for help here.
I have had openly non-exclusive romantic relationships for a few years now. I identify as a pansexual cisgender polyamory woman.
I have been with my partner A. for six years, with all the ups and downs that you can imagine.
Last autumn, both he and my other partner P., with whom I had been for two years, felt very upset when I started two new relationships, with M. and with N. Please don't bother telling me it was a mistake to start two new relationships at the same time, I know perfectly well it was a mistake, even though I wasn't breaking any rules in my existing relationships.

The new relationship with N. very quickly developed into something extremely happy and intense.
I did my best to take care of my already existing relationships, give each partner the time and attention they wanted, while I was investing a lot of time and energy into that new relationship. I'm not sure if I always succeeded.
The new relationship with M. has been developing a lot more slowly, which is exactly what both M. and I want.

However, due to not only this but also a number of other issues, P. and I broke up a couple of months ago as she acknowledged that her needs could not be met in our relationship. She never had a problem with A. as he was my partner before she ever met me, but she struggled to cope with me having new partners. That breakup left me sad but also relieved as my relationship with P. hadn't been working for a while and was feeling like a burden to me.

N. had been monogamous all his life and was open to polyamory. I was open and honest with him from the start. He said he wanted a relationship with me and that we would 'work things out' even though it was difficult. But every time I was seeing A., N. was feeling stressed, upset, jealous, insecure, unhappy. I didn't think polyamory in itself was the problem, because N., who is male and straight, seemed rather comfortable with me having a female partner but very uncomfortable with me having male partners. So I thought it was about building up his self-confidence. I knew there was little I could do in this regard, but I did the best I could to show him I loved him and I was willing to make commitments with him and honour them.
However, after six months, he broke up with me, acknowledging that polyamory isn't for him and he wants an exclusive relationship.
I respect that.
The trouble is, by the time he acknowledged that, I had fallen crazy in love with him. We both had invested a lot into this relationship and we were thinking that maybe we could have a future together; I was starting to think about how I could move geographically closer to him (we live about 1000 km away from each other).
I know I should have expected that he would break up with me, but the fact is that I wasn't expecting it, it caught me by surprise.

This has all left me sad, exhausted, devastated. I'm now questioning whether polyamory really is the right thing for me. It doesn't seem to work; but then neither did monogamy work for me before, so maybe the problem lies elsewhere. My psychotherapist is helping, my friends are helping, but it's really tough. I just feel like there's no right option for me now. I feel unhappy every day knowing that I cannot be with N. That unhappiness is making everything else in my life more difficult, including my now otherwise great relationship with A.
I cannot help but hope that N. and I can get back together at some point, and I believe that hope is toxic because rationally I know that is not going to happen.
If I stay with A. and M., I feel unhappy because I cannot be with N. with whom I am still in love. If I leave them so that I can try to get back with N., I'll be heartbroken because I will have left someone I am in love with. Either way, it seems unfair to everyone involved.

In any case at least I should have learnt my lesson by now: I never want to try a poly/mono relationship ever again. Considering that I know very few polyamory people and that we seem to be a minority in the population at large, it is possible that I'll never try having a new relationship again. In any case, my chances of meeting someone who a) is polyamory and b) with whom the attraction is mutual, are really thin. So ironically, my ability to give love to several people drastically reduces the number of people I can actually give love to.

Right now I feel just cannot cope with everything at once (I have also been experiencing difficulties in my professional life). I remember reading in More Than Two about the fact that managing one relationship already takes a lot of effort, so managing more than one logically requires even more effort, time and energy. I feel like my energy is all spent right now. I'm pondering whether I'd be better off on my own. To be honest I'm not even sure if I still want to live, given that most of the (personal and professional) projects I have embarked upon over the last two years have failed.
Yet I'm not seeing only the negative, I'm also seeing the good things about my life. I am physically healthy, I juggle with jobs which are to a large extent rewarding, I don't have any financial problems, I've got a roof over my head, there's no war where I live, I am supported by wonderful friends and some wonderful people in my family, I am loved by wonderful people - and I am grateful for all of that.
However I am feeling sad and exhausted. I feel like neither polyamory nor monogamy is right for me. I feel I'll still be unhappy for a long time whether I stay in my existing relationships or end them.

I remember when my very first partner broke up with me. We had been in an exclusive relationship for almost five years, and I was 19. I felt absolutely heart-broken; all my life plans were being blown up as they had all included him. However I also felt like I wanted to bounce back, I had a very strong desire to live and to pick myself up, and I felt like this end was also a new beggining, I felt like this breakup was opening up new possibilities.
This is nothing like the breakup I just went through with N. It is not opening any new possibilities, only ending them. It does not feel like a new beginning in any way.
I wish at least N. were feeling better now that he made that decision: I only wish for him to be happy. However, I understand from what he tells me that he is not feeling happy at all, he seems to miss me just as much as I miss him. That is no consolation to me. If he were happy now, at least this breakup would have a point. But he's not, so we're just both pointlessly unhappy which feels incredibly sad and frustrating. I knew theoretically that just because two people are in love with each other it doesn't mean they can be together, but this might be the first time I've experienced it so intensely. I just feel desperate.
I acknowledge I might be overreacting because I'm hurt and heart-broken right now, and I just don't know whom to turn to.

Thank you for reading. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one to have made such mistakes and felt that way, so any ideas would be welcome as right now I can't see any way forward.
 
Hello lyl,
Sorry you are hurting right now.

I don't know of any "shortcuts" through the grieving process ... you just have to go through the stages of grief, and it takes as long as it takes. You may be in the "bargaining" stage, where part of you wonders if there isn't some way to get back what you have lost, like maybe you can bargain for it (such as by breaking up with A and M). At the same time you may be in the "depression" stage; from your post you do sound depressed. Sometimes you have to experience more than one stage at a time, the process of grief is like that.

I don't think you've done anything wrong ... the main thing that happened here is that N couldn't stand to have you be with another man. That's not something about you, that's something about N. In time, you will be able to make peace with that fact.

I hope what's posted in this thread will be of some small help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Kevin, thanks a lot for your reply. I understand there's no shortcut but yes this does help a bit.
 
I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. You have my condolances. :(

You sound like you are in deep mourning still.

It is just difficult to accept what feels like platitudes rather than words formed by understanding.

Your spouse cannot help that is all they can do at this time: to try to comfort and sympathize. But since they haven't walked this path themselves yet, they cannot empathize. It's ok to envy that they still have their other partners. It's ok to envy that they don't have to be grieving like you.

I know what deep mourning is like. I had several elders pass away in a short time frame. So I get that part of it. The upset and frustration of just starting to cope with one loss when BAM! Here comes another to overlap it. But they were not romantic partners to me. So I haven't walked those particular shoes myself.

I can only imagine how much more you must be grieving. For that I'm deeply sorry. :(

I am not sure if this is something anyone else can empathize with, but I do know I am tired of feeling lost.

I remember what it was like to get to the place of "I'm sick of mourning!" And when more news of more relatives/friends passing came I felt kind of like "Argh! Again?" about it. Part of it is the age. I've reached that point in my life where these things are going to be happening more often. I don't want to be numb to it and lose compassion, but at the same time, how much grieving can one person do? Or at least that's what I've been thinking lately.

I don't think you've done anything wrong. Relationships turn out as they do. Some have circumstances beyond your control. It's ok to wish some of that was different.

I hope you are able to continue healing from all this. Esp grieving for your terminally ill partner who died a few months ago. If you need a grief recovery support group I know they are out there. Both in person and online. You might have to search for them.

It is ok to grieve though and take whatever time you need and express whatever you need to express.

I will always be polyamorous, but I struggle to feel like I belong anymore.

I think that part might take more time. Be kind to yourself and do your self care while you are in deep mourning still. If you haven't had a general check up in a while, it might be a good idea to schedule. Grief can take a toll on the body -- lack of sleep, maybe not wanting to eat, mental and emotional strain, etc.

hugs,
Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Back
Top