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  #91  
Old 02-14-2018, 07:53 PM
sexyserb sexyserb is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I know you are Closed. I meant more your agreements about other things.

Like communication. What stuff do you need to know? By when? In what manner? Is he holding that up? Are you? Be it scheduling kid things or house things or whatever.

Because you cannot be a mind reader. You have to ask if he wants to do stuff for Valentine's, Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, anniversaries, etc. Does he prefer you ask in a certain way so it goes down better next time? Was this way too abrupt/too soon?

I am talking about metacommunication. Not just what you talk about, but HOW you talk about it.

What are your agreements around emotional support? How are you each supposed to "be there for each other?" Is that getting done by him? By you? In the manner you each prefer?

Stuff like that.

Galagirl
Gala,

Sorry I misunderstood. We technically closed August 1 when he started in his new position and was home every night. I closed everything off and cut all contacts. Since then we little by little have been doing everything better.
We have talked a lot and communicated a lot. I understand better how I misread for so long what I thought was acceptance as detachment.

We do all the things we used to. The thing really missing is I tell him all the time how much I love him and he says it but not like before. That I know has to be a process over time.

Thanksgiving was a blur with all the company and I took care of everything as he is still working a lot of hours. And Christmas, between company and going to football bowl games in other parts of the country had us so on the run that there was no time to really not communicate. We were together a lot but distracted by being on the run.

He has always let me make all gthe decisions about the house. Decorating and fixtures are not his forte and he stays out of it.

Our sex life amazes me because through all of this, fortunately, we have both stayed connected that way. Just like a woman who “compartmentalizes during an affair, I am sometimes amazed at how well I compartmentalized things. The week that he was home each month was almost like I was transported to a different planet. The burner phone got shit off and we were hubby and wife.

Emotional support?? I am there for him when and if he ever asks for support. If you are not familiar with the “super jock” mentality, asking for support is not high on the list. All I can do is answer any questions HONESTLY and I have.

I still know ( I think I know) that we are going to make it. The ball is actually in my court, as he refuses to play warden. He does not check my communications or social media and simply communicates that if I have this need again to just leave. He will not go through this again. And pushing him is what I did before so I do not want to be pushy now on anything.

Just being on this forum has helped me as a place to vent my thoughts and fears. I understand my thought process and feelings may be the opposite of those that are actively open and see things differently. Thats what makes the world go round and if anyone can come up with sure fire answers to this stuff, they will be the richest person in the world in very short order.
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  #92  
Old 02-14-2018, 11:17 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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If you are largely responsible for running the home and organizing the calendar, you do need info about dates so you can get it on the schedule. You cannot guess or mind reader what he wants to do. You have to ask.

I'm not hearing any communication related agreements like "This first year post mess, we agree not to bring up anniversary or valentine's or....." So you didn't break any agreements by asking.

To me it sounds like in the big picture, things are going ok enough. Just that there was a flare up. I don't think that's unreasonable in the first year post mess. But it might point to a need for better articulated communication agreements to minimize those flares ups moving forward.

I would suggest letting him have his space to calm down... and later on? If you or he have other dates that might be triggers? Talk in advance about how to handle them. Hopefully as the years pass and you keep demonstrating reliable commitment those "trigger-y dates" stop being trigger-y to him (or you).

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-15-2018 at 01:11 AM.
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  #93  
Old 02-18-2018, 04:03 PM
sexyserb sexyserb is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
If you are largely responsible for running the home and organizing the calendar, you do need info about dates so you can get it on the schedule. You cannot guess or mind reader what he wants to do. You have to ask.

I'm not hearing any communication related agreements like "This first year post mess, we agree not to bring up anniversary or valentine's or....." So you didn't break any agreements by asking.

To me it sounds like in the big picture, things are going ok enough. Just that there was a flare up. I don't think that's unreasonable in the first year post mess. But it might point to a need for better articulated communication agreements to minimize those flares ups moving forward.



I would suggest letting him have his space to calm down... and later on? If you or he have other dates that might be triggers? Talk in advance about how to handle them. Hopefully as the years pass and you keep demonstrating reliable commitment those "trigger-y dates" stop being trigger-y to him (or you).

Galagirl


Gala,

He has calmed down. In fact, he actually apologized for going bonkers. Friday, he texted me to put something real nice on and that i would be picked up in limo since he had to work a little late. Took me to beautiful restaurant and then home for a marathon "sexy time" night. Also got roses. LOL.

Now the bad news. What the hell does a 50 year old man think that enables him to go play basketball with a bunch of 35 year olds and almost fracture his ankle dunking a basketball. I am furious with him but he's hobbling around so I can't be mean.

I'm going to my therapist. I have a lot i want to discuss and I will ask for thoughts here on what she says.. I think I just have to always remember to not say or act like things are totally normal like before. I really wish we could go to MC but i think at this time that would be a big time error on my part.
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  #94  
Old 02-18-2018, 10:00 PM
powerpuffgrl1969 powerpuffgrl1969 is offline
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I feel like an idiot; what is "MC?"

Glad Friday worked out!
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  #95  
Old 02-19-2018, 11:06 AM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by powerpuffgrl1969 View Post
I feel like an idiot; what is "MC?"

Glad Friday worked out!
I starred at it for good 40 seconds before I deciphered marriage counselling
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  #96  
Old 02-19-2018, 01:50 PM
powerpuffgrl1969 powerpuffgrl1969 is offline
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I've been through enough marriage counseling that I SHOULD have known what it meant, but didn't!
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  #97  
Old 02-20-2018, 08:35 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Originally Posted by Tinwen View Post
I starred at it for good 40 seconds before I deciphered marriage counselling
I only know that to stand for "motorcycle club."
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