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Old 06-06-2013, 04:46 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by OnTheCusp View Post
I'm not purposefully being selfish or self-centered or anything else I've been called--I'm just muddling through.
We are all selfish and self-centered at times. I think selfishness can sometimes come out of insecurities - people want to cling onto onto certain ideas, beliefs, relationships, etc., and get as much as possible out of a person or situation because they have very little faith in the abundance of life and are focused on scarcity - as in, "What happens if my partner falls in love with someone else? What will happen to me?" It is times like those we all need to wake up and see how self-involved and wrapped up in neediness we have or can become. I was not saying you are selfish and stingy out of merely judging you -- I was pointing out a path you were on, so that you can perhaps find another one. Sort of like saying, "Hey! You're headed toward a cliff! Watch out!"
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Old 06-06-2013, 05:18 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 422
Default I am not the one telling OP's

what is actually happening to them in their life as if I know better than they from simple reading a paragraph that sort of describes what is happening from one point of view as opposed to accepting that they may have a better idea of the reality that is happening in their real life.

I do make statements about how I see things, from what I have experienced, with a genuine intention of helping them navigate through troubles they are describing with non-monogamous relationships, if anything I point out that they will always be more knowledgeable than I in regards to their own personal relationship.

I try to suggest ways that they can figure out what will work for them, I am not always good at communicating coherently what I am trying to convey, but from my point view my advice is not must follow rules, but closer to helping or teaching people how to figure it out on their own, with the least amount of damage done to their lives and the lives of their loved ones.

I sometimes get caught up in debates and lose focus on the fact that I do want to help people not go through poly hell like I did.

I do try to state that people shouldn't take my advice as objective truth, but yes, I do firmly believe that I may know it or have a better idea of it than some professionals who make their living because they are supposed to be authorities dealing with the same information. I am not saying that to be arrogant, and I will likely soon delete it, because regardless of what I think, I truly believe that people can be taught how to look at their own life, and from their personal view be better guides to themselves in their life than any guru or lifetime of experience could ever guide them.
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Old 06-06-2013, 04:31 PM
OnTheCusp OnTheCusp is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 25

Thanks for the reassurances. I haven't been offended by anything, just trying to get my footing.

I'm meeting with Mike tomorrow to discuss some of this stuff. Had a looong discussion with my husband last night about how I'm feeling, and how he's feeling, and we're on the same page, at least right now. He truly is okay with me seeing Mike. We're thinking that if what I'm having with Mike right now is short-lived, then we can just keep with the status quo. However, if it looks like it might be more long-term, then husband and I need to renegotiate our relationship in order to make it fair to him. What that renegotiation would look like, neither of us yet knows. I told him that he should be given the same freedom I was having, and he seemed okay with that. (That being said, however, I'm honestly still not sure if I can be not somewhat jealous. If I can't shake that, then the best course would be to forget polyamory altogether.) He has no interest right now in going outside the marriage again.

I don't have lots of poly friends at the moment, just Mike and his girlfriends, and another triad back in my home state. They all seem to be making it work wonderfully well, and I'd love to ask more questions about it, but I'm not sure how to go about it. I agree that talking to actual people in person is probably a good way for me to go.

I appreciate all your comments here.
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