ok so lets try to beat this moping. Journaling has helped, so lets keep that up.
I have started drinking again, if you read back I was someone who quite drinking, this situation has caused me to spiral, and drinking is ABSOLUTELY a depressant. I need to stop... step 1 tonight. Last night was dark... really dark. Dreams of hitting a strip club, finding some of my recreational past and drowning myself in hedonism. The ease of disappearing in a swirling toilet for a few days felt good at the time. I will leave the darker thoughts there, last night, yesterday... was not good for my soul.
I need to get re-focussed on the kids. Those little people are who matter, seeing me grumpy and non-communicative is not fair. Its selfish of me...
Redpepper and I reconnected and spoke briefly, I apologized for my disappearing act. I was not a good friend. She asked and challenged me with some great questions. Some of which form some of my thoughts. It was helpful and insightful
I think a lot of my.. concern is around fear.
- Will I find another
- I am older now and the groups I am seeing are super young, how is this going to work now that I am closer to 50. Its very good the community is growing younger, thats going to be an odd barrier to entry.
- Will I find my people. To be frank this is a tough one but I struggle to relate to some of the poly commonalities.
- Will I find friends outside of poly who accept the poly side without being freaked out
- Feelings of sexual inadequacy (also my fear in swinging) is a problem for me.
I think my fears of the future have more to do with my current state then my actual ex. She is moving on faster than I can, thats for sure. She seems to be able to compartmentalize very effectively. But here is the funny thing, before she broke up with me, I was considering either ending the relationship or putting up boundaries. The time commitment of a second primary was tearing me to shreds.
There were other things as well, but I knew I wasn't happy, and it was coming up to a breaking point or a relationship transition or cut and run. She pulled the trigger quicker and more abruptly than me.
So there it is, I am not sure I would get back together with her, she wont with me, so why the fuck am I being miserable. I needed to figure out why I was acting the way I was.
I started seeing a counsellor and the first session was her learning about me. She was quite clear that I take on too much responsibility. And while I ended up being a hinge, I could not be two primaries to two sets of households. Even as a quad we were two distinct households.
I need to stay focused on these facts. The tangible items. So instead of me feeling like I wanted her back, I need to realize it was killing me. I need to realize there is no fault.. it came to its natural conclusion
So I obviously need self care
- No more drinking (again)
- More riding
- More time with kids
All good starts. I also need to put effort into finding my people... both sides of my life
- Active fit, outdoors, maybe a touch of extreme
- ENM open people to discuss life with
Anyways, feeling more positive today, not sure if it will stick or what will stick. But I need to keep focused. I think I am realizing I miss being in a relationship, more than I miss the person. I suppose thats a natural progression after a breakup.
I still dont know what I want.. as in, do I want to actively look for partners. Poly has been and continues to be a job. Its a FUCK TONNE of work. It requires hours of dedication and honestly with kids in the house, a wife, a job and co-parenting other kids. My prioritization wont suit most people. I
Hopefully I dont spiral again in a few days.