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  #1  
Old 02-18-2018, 09:45 PM
MagDahlia15 MagDahlia15 is offline
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Question Both my partners have religious parents.

I Am in a polyamorous relationship with my Husband and my Boyfriend. We are all very happy and have been together for a while. However, we are unable to tell any of our parents because we all have religious parents. What is the best way to bring this up to people who think we are committing a major sin?
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Old 02-19-2018, 12:27 AM
Noyse Noyse is offline
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Don't, or prepare to be disowned. This is what happened to me.
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Old 02-19-2018, 01:34 AM
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RichardInTN RichardInTN is offline
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If it was a case of polygyny, I'd say to tell them that multiple wives and concubines is Biblically permitted. There are many cases of one man and multiple women to choose from throughout the Good Book.

Unfortunately though, one woman with multiple men doesn't appear anywhere in there so, sadly, I have to agree Noyse: Don't, or prepare to be disowned.
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Old 02-19-2018, 05:58 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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My parents are religious, so we just agree to disagree. They informed me that they feel I'm committing a great sin that compromises my eternal whatever. I inform them that I don't believe I am. Then we move on. We can be kind and love each other without agreeing.

Boy's mom is Jehovah's witness. She still accepts her son and is looking forward to meeting me and my daughter (who is not Boy's) when we can make the scheduling work.

Religious doesn't necessarily mean someone will be an asshole. The "live like Jesus" or comparable tend to be better than the "do what this specific text says" types.

We were all just honest. Hey, we're polyamorous and involved with these people. We know you don't agree and we're sorry if you're upset, but that's not going to change the way we choose to live.
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Old 02-19-2018, 12:55 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJ-8ocmtb_8&t=1s

Try watching this video. It gives pretty detailed guidelines for how to contemplate coming out or not.
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Old 02-19-2018, 06:36 PM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
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By "religious," do you mean "attends most holiday services," or "wacky paranoid Bible-waving End-Of-Times evangelical"? If more toward the latter then... no, just no.

I generally don't recommend announcing polyhood to the family.

Often, it's nothing but belated "teen rebellion," a way to make symbolic oppressors finally squirm a bit. Toss any sort of wild-eyed fanaticism into the mix & it looks like a bigger bear at which to poke a stick.

FWIW, my upbringing was First Methodist (now United Methodist), quite liberal & mellow. My family (350 miles away) met five of my lovers, 1977-1993, sometimes while I was married to Annie, sometimes two in tow. I made no secret of my relationships, but neither did I make some sort of Grand Announcement. Dad laughed about it, & mentioned my lifestyle (apparently proudly, as I was SUCH a nerd in highschool ) to a few friends & relatives, though to this day I have no idea who actually KNOWS except for the few who've asked straightforward questions.

They also grasped that any of my relationships might last years but probably not forever. I've heard of couples who were "out" to family, but the latter were baffled (& even felt misled) when they'd show up with a new "life partner" at every get-together.

If someone has ANY fear of "discovery" (by neighbors, landlord, co-workers, employer, etc.) & is thus staying "closeted" in order to avoid unpleasantness, I'd strongly suggest dealing with THOSE fears first.
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Old 02-20-2018, 11:58 AM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ravenscroft View Post
By "religious," do you mean "attends most holiday services," or "wacky paranoid Bible-waving End-Of-Times evangelical"? If more toward the latter then... no, just no.

I generally don't recommend announcing polyhood to the family.

Often, it's nothing but belated "teen rebellion," a way to make symbolic oppressors finally squirm a bit. Toss any sort of wild-eyed fanaticism into the mix & it looks like a bigger bear at which to poke a stick.
Been there, done that (re: making the oppressors squirm) decades ago as an actual teen.

Both my brother and I were variously kicked out of home, disowned, lectured and made examples of by our father for "crimes" such as leaving the church, unacceptable political affiliations, engaging in pre-marital sex/"living in sin" or having children out of wedlock.

My brother (who is bisexual) has often been involved in simultaneously intimate relationships over the years, but has never claimed poly status or made any big announcements. He keeps his private life on the down-low from family in general, especially our parents who tend toward religious conservatism.

On the other hand, I have historically been more open and "honest" (foolishly, who's to say?) about my personal life, even if that's left me open to parental judgement and condemnation.

I've only recently started to live by the tenets of ethical polyamory, however, and although I'm "out" to family and friends my generation and younger (my ex husband, siblings, children, their friends and my close friends all know), I am NOT out to my parents, and I intend to keep it that way.

At their age and stage in life (they're elderly and Dad has recently been diagnosed with dementia) they have enough issues of their own and quite frankly, I don't think they really care what we "kids" do anymore. I don't think this news would thrill them, even so, and I'd rather not give them more to fret about right now, so I'm choosing to keep this from them. IF they find out, they find out, and I'll deal with it then... but no, I don't think it's in anyone's interests to come out to them at this stage.

Every poly person (or gay, queer or whatever) has to make this decision for themselves however. Often it's a case of weighing up what will ultimately be the lesser of two evils: causing hurt and disappointment to parents vs temporary embarrassment of coming clean or being "found out"... or, at the extreme end of the spectrum, losing one's family of origin, but gaining the freedom that comes with living and loving authentically.
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Old 02-20-2018, 01:39 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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Along with what Ravenscroft said, I have always just lived my life and not worried about it. I am Atheist and my family is Catholic. It's not my job to please them. I don't make announcements, I just do me. If they have questions I'll answer them, if it's any of their business.
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Old 02-20-2018, 07:09 PM
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Al99 Al99 is offline
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Quote:
By "religious," do you mean "attends most holiday services," or "wacky paranoid Bible-waving End-Of-Times evangelical"? If more toward the latter then... no, just no.
Having been raised in a fundamentalist, evangelical environment - I can only agree with Raven. Devout fundamentalist Christians and devout Roman Catholics are never going to understand or accept polyamory as being anything other than sinful and degenerate. I would personally suggest, and strongly so, that if one is poly, that they NOT come out to family or friends who have such religious inclinations - no good is likely to come of it. Al
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Old 02-20-2018, 07:23 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I Am in a polyamorous relationship with my Husband and my Boyfriend. We are all very happy and have been together for a while. However, we are unable to tell any of our parents because we all have religious parents. What is the best way to bring this up to people who think we are committing a major sin?
Before you come out to the families... why are you coming out?
  • What are you hoping to stop doing?
  • What are you hoping to start doing?
  • What are you hoping to have or change that you do not have now?
  • Is being out going to bring damages? (Ex: At workplace/job? Hate crime? Something else?)

If you want to be out, be out. Just think it through.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-20-2018 at 07:39 PM.
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