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Old 01-31-2018, 11:37 PM
Dutchess62 Dutchess62 is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Seattle , Wa
Posts: 4
Default Hello everyone

Hi all , I wish I were joining under happier circumstances but if I am searching then someone else is too I am sure.

I am a 55 yr old straight poly lady who is or WAS in a long poly relationship with my legal gender fluid husband of 15 years and our dear "Other Husband " also very gender fluid of 10 years. Yesterday we found out through a friend that our husband who went to go help his mom down in LA to work on her cars for a few weeks ( which he does do 1-2 times a year) was found dead in his bed monday morning . We are in total shock . I can't stop crying and my legal husband can barely speak . Because of his mom's disdain for our lifestyle we will not be seeing him again . At all . We have to stay away from everything . His mom waited a day before she asked someone we both knew to let us know ?? He was 53. We are just lost, we are so devastated. occasionally you will read something about death in poly relationships but this is an unusual circumstance .
I hope to see you all on the boards and talk about this and other things as well .
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Old 02-01-2018, 01:52 AM
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Al99 Al99 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 1,772

Hello Dutchess62 - and welcome to our Forum. I, too, wish for you that it were under happier circumstances - my sincerest condolences on your loss.

Hopefully you may find some comfort and support here on the forum as you work your way through the pain of his passing. Al
Dramatis Personae:
Me: Al99, poly, heterosexual male, 50's
Becky: married to Al99, poly, heterosexual female, late 30's
Bouncingbetty: ldr girlfriend to Al99, poly, pansexual female, early 30's
Ben: Becky's medium-ldr bf, heterosexual male, 40's

My Introductory Post - An Unexpected Introduction to Poly.
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Old 02-01-2018, 08:57 AM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 726

Welcome, Dutchess.

First of all, I am so very sorry to learn of your recent loss.

It's understandable that you and your legal husband would be devastated right now and for some time to come. Grieving is a process and takes time. Don't try to rush through the feelings.

Under the circumstances, I think it's wise you've decided to seek the company and counsel of others who may be able to relate to your situation better than many family members or friends in your "real life". Hopefully you will find a sense of community and comfort here.
Me, Lunabunny: F, 50, heteroflexible
Jester: M, 59, straight, primary partner (LD)
Boho: F, 57, heteroflexible, primary partner (LD)

Red: M, 53, straight, ex-husband
Bud: early 20s, son
Lola: early 20s, daughter
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Old 02-01-2018, 09:00 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 16,548

Greetings Dutchess62,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. It definitely makes it worse to have his mom shutting you out at a time like this. Even if she disagrees with your poly, she should still welcome you to the viewing and funeral. It sounds like she's not doing that. That makes me very sad.

If there's any way we can help, let us know. Even if it's just moral support, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear. And going forward you may desire to talk about other topics with us, that is cool too. I hope your stay here will be a pleasant one.

Kevin T., "official greeter"


There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 02-02-2018, 08:51 PM
Nox Nox is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 333

I am so sorry for your loss.
Me: 44 straight male in a V with
Kay - mono female - married 21 years
Txgirl - 3 year relationship
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Old 02-03-2018, 03:35 PM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: NW Minnesota
Posts: 1,724

Speaking for myself, it seems so easy in a poly life to focus on the here-&-now & on the immediate future, as though life will forever fall neatly into place so long as we set everything up right.

My family has managed the community cemetery for more than a century, so we sorta deal with end-of-life issues, talk shop with funeral directors & insurance agents, & we think/talk about this stuff a lot. There are people who turn away from such discussions, calling them "negative" or "saddening" or such, but the fact is that polyfolk reallyreally NEED to think about this stuff.

Dutchess62, blocking you from the funeral was beyond mean-spirited; no doubt, they had people showing up who barely knew your partner or hadn't seen him in decades, yet denied access to his closest current friends. In my region, unless a funeral is kept small & with no public announcement, it's a community event, a chance for everyone to show up, even if only in support of the people who did know the deceased (or their family).

I've seen people evicted from their longtime home soon after the unexpected death of the actual owner. People have been forced to move because they couldn't pay the rent or finish a renovation without that person's income. I've seen people not allowed to visit a hospitalized partner who was asking to let them visit.

Things really do need to be examined, discussed, planned out.

And ultimately, of ANY group of two or more, one of you is probably going to die before the others, & it can be sudden. Discuss likely scenarios. Figure out what can be done, & do it; figure out what probably can't be circumvented, & accept it.
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Old 02-07-2018, 01:17 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7,136

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm also sorry you can't attend his last rites due to problems in the family. That's happened to me before -- and it's not a good feeling. You may have to devise your own last rites to honor him and his passing even if it is as simple as lighting a candle and spending some time thinking of him.

I hope you and your spouse can grieve together for your other spouse and bring each other some comfort that way.

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Old 02-12-2018, 05:19 PM
Rockit49 Rockit49 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 249
Default Hello

Welcome to the Forum. I feel for you.

If he was y'all's partner.. Claim him and don't forget him... And don't let his family forget it. I'm sure he loved y'all too! What would I want my loved ones to do, that's it.

Again... Welcome
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Old 02-18-2018, 05:10 PM
Rising Rising is offline
Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 25

So sorry for your loss and the grief you are working through.
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Old 02-20-2018, 01:33 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,858

I offer my deepest sympathies for the loss of your husband. It is so mean spirited for his mother to not allow you at the funeral.

Best wishes as you and your husband grieve the loss of your partner. I hope soon you can talk and hold and support each other.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63)
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's bf since April 2013
BigGuy (poly, M, married, 43, dating me since late summer 2018)
Ravi (poly, M, married, 37, dating me since late summer 2018)
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