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  #41  
Old 11-20-2017, 08:45 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Originally Posted by LostPixie View Post
Oh, and in case Autumn reads this. November is high stress, but it isn't cursed, and wasn't the end of us, I'm just broken in stupid ways that make me incompatible for long term positive things. I'm so sorry. I hope you can attribute those scars to my shortcomings and stop having to carry them so much with anything else that makes you happy!!
I can't do this because I don't attribute any scars to you. Even if I was willing to accept that you're broken (which I still don't think, but I can't tell you how to think about yourself)...

Last year, November was nano+heart trouble on my mom's part. This year, it's nano+lung trouble on my dad's part. Stress ramps up my anxiety and I become less capable of handling things, like what happened in our relationship (I'm realizing now).

You didn't break anything, certainly not me. You made a bad choice and I wasn't able to handle it. You didn't wreck me, I'm not scarred, and it certainly was not SOLELY your fault. And even if I attributed everything to you (unfairly) it wouldn't cure my anxiety or depression. So, if November is cursed, you're not a cause, at least not in my mind.

Wishing you back all the happiness!
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"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my spouse, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
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  #42  
Old 01-01-2018, 07:22 AM
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LostPixie LostPixie is offline
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Originally Posted by AutumnLeaves View Post
I can't do this because I don't attribute any scars to you. Even if I was willing to accept that you're broken (which I still don't think, but I can't tell you how to think about yourself)...

Last year, November was nano+heart trouble on my mom's part. This year, it's nano+lung trouble on my dad's part. Stress ramps up my anxiety and I become less capable of handling things, like what happened in our relationship (I'm realizing now).

You didn't break anything, certainly not me. You made a bad choice and I wasn't able to handle it. You didn't wreck me, I'm not scarred, and it certainly was not SOLELY your fault. And even if I attributed everything to you (unfairly) it wouldn't cure my anxiety or depression. So, if November is cursed, you're not a cause, at least not in my mind.

Wishing you back all the happiness!
I've poured over what to say since you replied, but I can't seem to get my words to behave on this. So I'll just say "thank you for your perspective and understanding."

Happy New Year Autumn, may it be filled with happiness and good health.
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  #43  
Old 01-01-2018, 07:43 AM
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LostPixie LostPixie is offline
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Default Why can't I just let go... (Another letter I'll never send)

Dear Goth,

I've been going through a lot of unwanted affection since October, from a lot of different angles. The levels of actual threat vary, but one is literally exhusbands neighbor. I keep wishing I could curl up at your feet, because even if you don't want me around, I've no doubt I'm safe around you....

I don't remember what I dreamed but Saturday I woke up with heartache over missing you. Then Monkeys got a guitar and ukulele for Xmas and I wanted you to reassure me that brand new string will need to be tuned & played a few times before they settle and hold. And I wanted to have you show M1 how to play, like you did 1.5 years ago. He would listen better now.

Then I went to Local Bar, which holds memories of us first re-meeting, as well as right after we broke up. And I thought I saw a mutual friend at the bar, but I was mistaken. I handed out "stranger cookies" before I left, and I think you'd be amused by that.

Then tonight one of your friends/ my acquaintance messages me to wish me happy new year and while the conversation didn't go far we chatted for awhile. They even offered to invite me out if I wasn't tending monkeys. I managed NOT to bring up that it could cause extra drama or pain...... And I am the only adult home, so guess I'll never know if you were part of the group they were chilling with tonight.

I miss you terribly, but I want you happy and healthy, which I don't seem able to contribute positively to anymore. I want so much to know that you're relatively okay, but asking after you is no good either... So Idk.

Guess I'll just keep asking the sun and moon and whatever else is listening, to be kind to you.

I'll keep trying to let go, too. Blessed Be!!

(Not to Goth... Meanwhile I have 6 people I can sometimes kiss who I almost never get to see, and I'm helping 2 friends navigate being broken up with safely. And a couple other friends Still Don't seem to Get "I don't have time or energy for more relationships atm" like.... I'm sorry things are tough, but I CANNOT WILL NOT be everyone who ask's girlfriend.)
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  #44  
Old 01-17-2018, 04:01 AM
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Default Need to just vent (busy parent things)

I have some Feelings that I WANT to share on my FB, but I can't without sounding whiny/ bitch/ needy or pissing someone off...

The way life is right now, theres only a couple dozen people I see at least 3 times a year, not counting church, school or cub events for Monkeys whom I am not related to.

I have 6 currently kissable people. One I see about every 2 weeks, Hatter I last saw at the beginning of Dec, another I last saw in Oct, and the other 3 it's been at least a couple months further back beyond then.

While I enjoy seeing those people, there are hundred of other people, many local-ish, whom I haven't seen in multiple years, and miss.

I have friends I actively miss (including kissable of course!!) Who want to meet up *sometimes* but our availability doesn't line up well at all. I have a couple people I really want to see who seem to not want me around at all (including Space....)

And then there's dumb stuff like the other day on my way home I passed my dad's house and he was running a snowblower. I wished I could stop, offer a hand, or just a hug and "hi" but I had to get home to let exhub go to work, or Sunshine go to bed, which ever day it was someone else had monkey2 and was waiting on me.

.....

We are financially in a position where I can't turn down offers to freelance (babysitting and housekeeping) so long as I can MAKE it work logistically... Even if that's babysitting 2 kids for most of a day (end time never certain) for $20.

We've been rolling deeper into plastic debt for months, and both our vehicles need work. I keep almost being able to square up what I currently owe my Grandpa and then that money ends up needed elsewhere urgently before I can hand it over.

My availability is not reliable enough for part or fulltime "normal work". I have 3-4 days a week currently booked because that's what I have coverage for. If I could pull more time, I have willing and waiting clients.

......

Meanwhile, I caught up my own dishes for the first time in weeks (not the SAME dishes, but first time the pile was GONE for 30 seconds), my living room is hosting 3 heaping mountains of clean laundry, there are STILL toys in the basement I haven't cleaned since they were milk-spit-up contaminated months ago, paperwork keeps getting deeper, and I've gotta do 2 race cars for monkeys for scouts.

Leader: "You've got a month, plenty of time!!"
Me: "according to who's calendar?!??"

....

This past weekend I managed to shove a whole bunch of good, productive doing into about 36 hours of monkey-free time, including quality time with a no-longer-local friend who was in town, and dying my hair.

But as soon as I was back to my own normal grind it's like depression, anxiety, and loneliness tore me to shreds right away.

This is not the same thing a lot of people feel after overexerting where they have overtaxed their systems and need to chill, often alone, to recuperate. This is the acute and pain full contrast between the parts of my life I LIKE and the parts that I feel I'm constantly failing at but trapped in.

Monkey1 asked Monday why I never go to lunch with him at school..... I already felt deeply failtastic and not enough (yet overwhelming for those who dare try). I answered that I am busy during that time. Plus I'd have to bring M2 and its cold out with BAD roads.

Reality is I'm too busy, and too moody when I'm not physically busy, AND being in a sea of children is very taxing on me.

I do my very best to attend every field trip, class party, field day, and scout event. It all falls on me (exhub makes it when he can, but these events are usually during his work). But any time I CANT make something work (book fair or school family nights) it's all my fault. Even if the conflict is the roads being unsafe for my sedan.

.....

M1 is sad/mad/jealous that M2 gets some mornings with daddy alone so I can work. M2 is sad/mad/jealous that he isn't in school yet. And when I have time I could spend with them I'm too crabby to relax and have fun

I don't know what I can reduce to ease things.... In theory there should be something I can cut back on to feel less burdened/burdensome, but the only things that seem feasible to cut are the ones that grant me SOME feeling of self care. And I'm facing possibly taking on even more commitment if double-ex does indeed need me to be primary childcare for his 1 year old.

....

Gram tries to reassure me that it'll be better when M2 is in school, even though I'll "probably have a full time job then" um.... Somehow it's not very reassuring. I'm deeply thankful for all they do for us. But it really hurts to need them so much.

......

I should just be grateful for all the positive parts, and at least I still have logic!! But I still can't seem to shake the feelings of inadequacy.
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  #45  
Old 02-05-2018, 03:53 AM
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LostPixie LostPixie is offline
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Default Well, faster recovery is progress...

So.... The last few weeks have been really hard. Lots of heavy thinking, deep feels, frustrated kids....

I started getting migraines. Not "Full Force Kill Me Please" level. More like "there's an ice pick embedded in my eye socket, if I could just remove this quadrant of my head it'll be fine!" Level.

But life doesn't stop. I'm still primary parent with obligations and commitments. And I REFUSE to fail my kids In The Same Ways my mom failed me (which includes sleeping through MOST of my teen years with migraines and other demons. Not doubting the legitimacy, but definitely needed my mother more than she was available.)

So.... After what I referred to as looping migraines (they'd go away entirely, but come back again full force) a few days, two weeks in a row I was getting a bit overly frustrated and head-fogged.

A friend I know from a year or so back, but never closely, messaged me because my FB posts had taken a turn for the downward directions and they were concerned. I mentioned I've been really stressed lately, keep getting unwanted advances, and now these migraines.....

He said he could help with the migraines, I said I'd consider if they came back the next day (they did) but that matching schedules may be difficult.

**this was against my better judgement. I have established trust with actual massage therapists, one whom I can kiss!! But schedules are a major pain.**

In any case he ended up coming over on short notice (initiated by him) but Sunshine and M2 were home and alert so I figured it should be safe enough. First clue to the contrary was "I'm really looking forward to seeing you" and "Idk why but I have a soft spot for you."

Now, the extend of our in-person friendship so far had been talking about pan, poly, and pagan topics during a steam punk event. He had mentioned it is interesting and he finds me attractive but was happily married and not going to dabble. WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SAFE PERSON!!

Well..... There was repeated unnecessary touching during massage that really triggered me badly. But I went into that "survive the situation and figure it out later" mode and was mostly unable to communicate anything I actually needed to say. And at some point I switched to "customer service-pretend you're fine!" mode in which I could make small talk.

After the massage he insisted I let him cuddle me and that he was safe and I could break down with him.

.....

It wasn't till the next day that it really hit me bad. I was washing dishes and could smell his body on my skin and had to shower immediately. Not the nice kind of shower, but the kind where you try to puke and can't, but you manage to NOT scrub off all your flesh, so good job!!

And I was able to write and send him a message of "I know you didn't intend harm, but harm happened. I need space". To which he simply apologized, which is among the best options at that point from his side.

Anxiety told me I needed to hide in a bunker, alone, forever, because clearly no one could be trusted.
--
Except that's not possible in my world. I still have to go and do no matter how hard it is.

I vented to a few close friends, my kissable massage friend (the safest of my actually safe people right now) who was able to hold me safe for a couple hours, and my therapist. And by the 1 week mark anxiety had let go of the steering wheel and sat back in the backseat, and I felt as though my feet were on the path towards betterness.

That was Friday. And I haven't really taken steps yet, but I haven't fallen off that path either.

......

REALLY NEED the world to stop throwing unwanted advances at me.

Anyway I stayed somewhat functional and reached the path to recovery faster than I have in the past after a heavy Ptsd-anxiety spiral. So trying to have a little healthy pride about that.
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  #46  
Old 02-20-2018, 03:03 AM
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LostPixie LostPixie is offline
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I should go to sleep. I also should wash dishes. Tears have shown up a couple times this evening, and I feel them lurking but can't embrace them.

It doesn't feel safe to cry when I'm the adult in charge of my monkeys. But then, people don't feel safe except a very few, and the world certainly doesn't feel safe, and my own home smacks of violation and other dark painful memories..... I can keep myself safe, but I don't FEEL safe. Even thinking of kissing my 6 kissable, established relationship people doesn't feel safe....

I want to call my dad and apologize for letting other people's opinions and actions against me color my view of him so heavily in my early teens..... It wasn't "all my fault" I was a kid, and a deeply wounded one at that. But it also wasn't all his, and I don't know if/how to ever try to heal those rifts I caused between us.

I have therapy in the morning, that should help.... I hope.

Exhub came over yester-evening, cooked for me and monkeys, and gave me a small chocolate cheesecake to try and break my depression+anxiety rut. He minded his manners, but among topics (because it was actively bothering me) we discussed the state of our country and how scary it is.

Like.... My own personal shit is scary right now, but so is the whole "out there", and I am still having to raise monkeys to hopefully be full of hope, love, and caring..... How do I install them with all the positive things, when all I can do is go through the motions and try to distract myself from the darkness???

I'm going to get back up, eat, and wash dishes.... At least for a little bit.

Thank you for being a safe space where I can get these things out of my head.....
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  #47  
Old 03-02-2018, 11:34 PM
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LostPixie LostPixie is offline
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Default I hate who I am in my own world lately...

I think I've shared how I feel like my Role (single parent) and purpose (helping the world be a better place, by helping friends and others when I can) are at odds with each other.

Right now, when I'm in my own world, I'm angry, hurt, and unable to trust.

When I step into someone else's world to be helpful, all of that eases for most of the time. Maybe it just goes back burner, idk.

But I hate being the Miss Hannigan I seem to be all the time in my own house, with my own kids. It feels like it's getting worse, with no hope of reversing in sight.

M2 had a blast of feeling abandoned because exhub has a new roommate, who lives in the room the monkeys never slept in anyway, but M2 would play in there when he wanted to be alone while at daddy's.

I surrendered the floorspace of our bedroom to give each monkey their own space via play tents. Hoping it helps.

I'm trying to be understanding and give him space to feel through this event.... But he keeps throwing big, loud, sometimes violent fits. And that's NOT an okay way to handle it. Being upset is fine, but hurting self or others is not okay.

.... There's been a lot of yelling and a few spanks lately. I hate this part of me. I'm supposed to embrace, accept, forgive this?? I feel like I'm edging into "momster" territory.
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  #48  
Old 03-28-2018, 02:17 AM
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LostPixie LostPixie is offline
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Default Hahaha, oops....

The past couple weeks I have been Extremely Intensely missing Goth. Like, to the point where it was a near constant distraction and honestly quite irritating that I couldn't shake the topic from my mind.

Today I had a realization.... The question I was asking myself was "why am I still so hung up on him? Shouldn't I be cooling down on it by now?"

But really.... I always have trouble letting go of the intense relationships.

I've gotten better at letting go if one side did something harmful to the other side (especially if I caused harm and need to slink away with my tail tucked). And I've had things wind down for little to no reason.

But there are others I've never fully gotten over, and it took years to get sort of over them in the first place. I don't fall out of love typically. It changes, and can definitely cool off with long absence (especially when there's no foreseeable hope of things being more frequent.... Like having 6 kissable people I hardly ever see and feeling like none of them are quite "real" relationships because they are so... Distant? (Except not... Hrm my words are failing here.))

So.... It's not unlike me to still pine for the comfort that was, long after it's ended. And I just need to keep making responsible choices about it. Like NOT messaging him or pestering mutual friends to see how he's doing.

----

Nostalgia has been really heavy lately too. I miss the presence of people I have cared about, no matter how removed they are from my life currently.

I keep feeling "I don't want to be" with varied intensity. Off and on I wish no one needed or cared so I could be gone with out causing any hurt or harm.

I hate the fights I keep having with my kids. It's become more nights than not, and it hurts me deeply. I may have never wanted kids, but I certainly don't want to be an evil mom in their eyes. Monkey2 keeps getting mad about damn near anything.

So overwhelmed with life as it is.

Drowning in debt, housework, and demand for my attention. I very nearly babysat 3 separate yearlings (two with older siblings also, the third would have been in addition to my own) 3 nights in a row, but the third cancelled having found a simpler option. I got less than 4 hours of sleep Saturday night between babysitting and my monkeys' events this past weekend.

I'm no good to anyone like this, and I don't see a way out. Gotta just HOPE that when M2 starts school next round it Helps more than it adds to the struggles.... *Fingers crossed*

Also, I feel like I'm fading back into asexual territory which was very disorienting when it happened during M2 pregnancy. Still doesn't feel safe to think about kissing my kissable people.

Still safe. Just so fed up with all of it.
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  #49  
Old 04-27-2018, 02:09 AM
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And the roller coaster continues...

Last week I was feeling super burnt out.

Over the weekend (my cycle started) and I hit a grey-washed space where all the thoughts and feelings were there, but very dull. Not Apathy, but something sort of similar. Also my back started hurting more...

Tuesday anxiety decided to take the wheel, almost literally, I was driving when it washed in.

I had a few consecutive days of worsening back pain, especially early morning and late evening. The way it feels tells me I need to take care of my body NOW or it will break, and that's not an option.

Yesterday I went back to chiropractor, new xrays look more curvy than I remember.
Today I went with M1 and GRADE to a field trip where we walked for an hour (an hour drive each way, too), this evening I took him with me for Yoga.
Tomorrow I escourt M1 and Some other kids to a skate park field trip, then get a massage. My usual go-to people weren't available but a trusted former coworker who is a legit massage therapist is, so seeing him for the first time.

During yoga, the idea of kissing SafestSafe person entered my mind and was a very pleasant thing. Not scary. I poked the thought of kissing others and that's still not cozy yet.... But hopefully this is positive and lasting progress.

I can't afford (time or money) to give my body as much attention as it needs, but I REALLY can't afford not to either... I have to stay self-mobile or everything will be so much harder.

Gotta see chiropractor weekly for a bit. Hoping to maybe work a massage around therapy times, and yoga when I can.

So tired. But chiropractor is optimistic that we can get me to where most days are mostly pain-free!! Trying to believe!
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  #50  
Old 05-08-2018, 03:14 AM
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LostPixie LostPixie is offline
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Unhappy Ugh, frustrated with life

I got the intense feeling again this afternoon that I'm really not wired to long term steady commitments of a live-in nature..

Sunshine has been sick or something near-sick for MONTHS. just as she gets better, something else kicks her ass. And her sleep deprivation has gotten dangerous a couple times. And she's getting depressed again.

NOT HER FAULT.

But shit, I'm getting really fed up with feeling like she's only awake and home long enough to add to bills and messes.

My pain has continued fluctuating, and all housework has been sliding. But even outside of the "right now" when I can leave CLEAN dishes in drying spaces for days, while she uses a couple to cook, but doesn't put any away..... Like.... Really??

Or today, the kitchen felt trashed to me already, but she had started food prep before working on her vehicle.... She jumped back in to do the tricky parts, but I still had to cook other stuff to go with it that the monkeys would eat.

**I SHOULD just be glad we used those taters before they rotted.... And yet, I feel like I was cornered into cooking in a dirty crowded space while monkeys demanded my attention....

~~~~~
*Deep breaths*
I feel like I'd be more content with a home base that I could leave when I need to, and feel confident that it would keep being okay in my absence, while I dabble about being helpful and appreciated with others....

I feel needed, in a desperately heavy way. She pays most of the bills, but her hobbies also contribute heavily to the bills. While both our vehicles need repairs or maintenance we can't afford.

~~~~

Or maybe I'm just never satisfied with anything.... >.>
u_u
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