Poly journey of Mya and rory

Alternative first conversations

I can't stop thinking I've been really lucky with how easy it has been for me and Alec to open up our previously-for years-monogamous relationship. It seems to be so hard for many people, and I can totally understand why. But somehow it's just worked for us, and we've come to want similar things at the same time. I want to write about my experience, because I feel it's still important to know it doesn't have to be so difficult for everybody planning to open up.

We'd been together maybe around 3 years when group sex scenarios started to emerge as a theme in fantasies we shared. They became quite common, but we didn't discuss that outside of bed for a while. I started to think about sexual openness, and came to the conclusion that I wouldn't feel bad or jealous or threatened if he slept with somebody else, and therefore I saw no need to hold on to the monogamous rules anymore. I didn't feel like I needed freedom for myself, but I saw no reason not to "give him permission" to do stuff with others if he felt like it. I analysed this stuff on an internet forum first (some things don't change ;)). Pretty much everybody there was really monogamous, and when I brought up the idea of giving partner permission to sleep with others, they said they would react really badly to such suggestion and think it must be because I'd want the same for myself. Now my reaction would be something along wtf :rolleyes: :eek: but then I got really nervous. I still proceeded to write a letter to Alec about it and waited, anxiously, while he read through it. And his reaction was something to the effect of "well isn't this sort of what we've been talking about". :) So, kind of anti-climactic, which I'm a total fan of. ;)

Poly talk, 3 years after that, was none more dramatic. I had visited Mya and after that I realised that I don't just want to have sex and friendship with her but that we have mutual romantic feelings. Once I realised that, I approached the topic with Alec thinking that if he's not ok with me having a relationship with Mya I would just try to step back and wait for the crush to be over. After all, I didn't know how he would feel, since we hadn't really ever talked about the possibility of poly, only about sexual relationships and a bit about casual sort of dating. But when we talked he didn't feel any jealousy about my feelings for Mya, and was fine with us starting a relationship. It's actually pretty amazing. I'm sure Alec had ever considered to have another relationship himself, and he doesn't know anybody in this kind of arrangement. And yet he seemed to be instantly able to wrap his mind around the concept and didn't feel weird about it. Our talk even touched some practical issues and boundaries: he said that he's fine with any amount of love I may in the future have for somebody else, but what he wants/needs is that we'll stay together and I'll live (not necessarily exclusively but also) with him.

So, not saying that it can't be hard to open up a monogamous relationship, just that it doesn't have to be. I know I would have liked to know that when I was anxiously waiting for Alec's reaction to my open-relationship-letter. That would have enabled me to trust my instinct, that he won't freak out, rather than believe the people telling me he will freak out because that's how everybody reacts to a proposition of non-monogamy.
 
I feel secure and confident of our connection and her love.

I smiled like crazy when reading this. I totally feel like that too and I do love you a lot! :)

I also feel like this new situation has improved my relationship with JJ. I see new sides of him and we get to talk about things we wouldn't necessarily talk about otherwise.
 
This weekend I had a lot of quality time with JJ. I opened up a conversation about our sex life and the ways we could improve it. It went really well and we ended up sharing all kinds of new things we didn't know about each other. There seems to always be new things to learn even after 8 years. :) And obviously things also change so it's important to talk about these things every once in a while. I'm happy we did that and the results were very...fulfilling. :p

JJ told me that he feels truly happy in his life, all aspects of it. And I do too. I feel like me and JJ have really reconnected during the last few weeks and I'm even happier than I was before, if that's even possible.
 
I think I've lost a friend because of being in a poly relationship. :( She wasn't a very close friend anyway, so it's not too bad. But I do feel sad that this is something that makes someone disappear from my life. She is a former coworker of mine, from the time when I was working abroad. We kept writing each other every once in a while after I moved away from that country. Nothing really deep though, just keeping up with what's happening in each other's lives. Well, when I wrote her to tell her about this new situation of mine, she never replied. She didn't even answer my questions about her life. I waited over a month and wrote her again, this time not mentioning rory or anything about poly. I just asked how she was doing etc. And she didn't reply to that one either. :( This was about two weeks ago so I guess that's it then, I give up.

I'm very lucky though to have my closest friends and my mom totally accepting this. :) I have several people to talk to and I don't have to tip toe around this subject with anyone. Except my dad because he doesn't know yet. Okay well, there is this one friend who doesn't quite get it. He seemed ok in the beginning when we told him but not too long ago he said to JJ that he thinks I'm just bossing JJ around and he does everything I tell him to. :rolleyes: And also, he thinks we're divorcing soon, this can't mean anything else. Well, obviously he's wrong and JJ told him that. But we'll see, at least there's some hope and we can discuss it. It's not like the one I mentioned in the beginning that just stopped answering me.

My mom has actually been pretty amazing about this. It was some kind of a shock to her when I first told her but she got over it really quickly. Now she even says she might consider this kind of lovestyle herself! She's single at the moment so who knows what's going to happen.
 
We took a trip with Alec on the weekend. It was lovely, we had a really good time and enjoyed ourselves. I really love travelling with him, which we haven't had a chance to do in a long time since most of our energy and finances have gone into our moving to another country a year ago and beginning our life here. But now we had the time and wow, I've really missed that. Exploring a new place with him, it's just really exiting and fun. It's also been good to be home. Particularly after the trip I've felt like we are getting into our normal rythms and our normal routines, and it's just wonderful.

I've been missing Mya pretty strongly. It's been almost 3 weeks since we last saw each other. I think the tipping point is somewhere around 2 weeks. At least that's how it seems, I'm sure I'll know better with more LDR experience. Anyway, after 2 weeks it seems I really start to miss everything where you need the physical touch, and I feel that I need more frequent communication to avoid feeling disconnected.

However, we got some really amazing skype time yesterday evening and today morning (something like 8 hours put together :p) so I feel totally reconnected. Also, it's only a week until Mya and JJ come to visit. I also talked about this with Mya, and we concluded that this time it will have been an unusually long time between our meetings, because of other commitments in our schedules. But our plan for the future is for Mya to visit me (and sometimes the other way around) every fourth week, so it will only be a 3 weeks wait in between. That way, even if it starts to feel harder after 2 weeks you'll know that it'll only be a week. :)

I'm feeling really happy in my life right now. Actually, it's been sort of a continuing trend lately, but I'm not complaining. So incredibly happy and fulfilled. :)
 
We've had a good amount of skype time with rory this week. I like skype a lot. It's as close as you can get to an actual face to face conversation with the webcam and all. Obviously I still miss her touch, but yey, only few days to go until we see each other! :) Today we talked about the future and how I'm going to spend quite a lot of time there. We were thinking that I should bring my toothbrush and few other things and leave them there. It's almost like taking the first steps to moving in together! :D I actually like the thought of having few of my own things there, like it's my second home. It makes me all warm inside. :eek:

After we've spent the weekend at rory and Alec's, me and JJ are going to take a 2 week trip. After that he goes back home and I go visit my friends from my time working abroad and then spend a week at rory and Alec's again. So I'm going to be away from home for like a month! It's cool to have a job where I can do that. :cool:
 
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^Totally cool! And I'm really looking forward both to your visit with JJ and your week-long-visit! :)

I'm exited to see what it will be like having first Mya and JJ stay for the weekend. And still more exited for the week Mya comes here. The week will be quite a new experience, since I'll spend most of the nights with Mya. Current plan is 5 or 6 nights of the week and one or two with Alec. I feel that's reasonable, since it'll then be another 3 weeks before Mya can visit again, so I'll spend more time with her, but I think I'll still want to spend at least one night with Alec in the middle of the week. We haven't really talked a lot about it with Alec yet, so I'll have to check how he feels about the night-divide in plans.

Fortunately we've got good physical space to arrange that. I really like the possibilities our apartment has, even though it's a one-bedroom flat. The bedroom and the living room are both quite big with good doors, so sound doesn't travel much, and the bathroom is in between them. I feel that it's easy to make the arrangements so that there is private space for anybody wanting it and also for both couples. Also, Alec will be working by then (he just got a job, yay!!!), so we'll all be busy during days but the time periods may be a bit different. When we started our poly relationship, the thing I was most anxious was dividing my time between partners, but it seems there'll be plenty of my time for both of them. :)
 
I think one of the weirdest things in our poly situation is that I get to see my partner's relationship skills when relating to someone else than me. I've learned a lot about rory when I've seen her interact with Alec. And I bet she has seen sides of me that wouldn't have come up if I weren't with JJ. For example me and rory haven't had a single fight during this time but she has seen me argueing with JJ so she now knows how I might behave in that kind of situation.

One thing that I've learned is that I need to ask for what I want. I haven't done that much with JJ because we seem to have quite similar needs when it comes to ways we show affection, amount of communication etc. At first it felt weird to me that I would have to say what I wanted. If my partner loves me, they would know what I want, right? :rolleyes: Well, now I know better. I guess this one comes down to the love languages many people here talk about. I suppose my and JJ's love languages are quite similar so we've never had to talk about these things. He does just the things I expect someone does if they love me. Me and rory talked about this and she thinks it's good to ask for what you want, how else would the other one know. But for me this isn't so straightforward. If for example I needed to hear the words 'I love you' more often, I would really struggle to let my partner know that. If I did and the partner started saying it more, I would probably feel it's not genuine and couldn't enjoy it.

This is something I really need to learn especially in a poly relationship. I need to feel more comfortable asking for what I want because that is just one of the things my partner needs to care about. She also needs to care about what her other partner needs and what she herself needs, so she can't concentrate 100% on me.
 
Mya and JJ are coming today to stay for the weekend! I'm exstatic!

Nothing more really to add! :D :cool:
 
The weekend was great. It seems that everybody had a good time. It was wonderful to see Mya, and we had a few hours of alone-time, too (we sent the guys shopping :D). Not enough to totally reconnect after a month of being apart, I'm afraid, but it was still lovely.

So far, we've had a few of these weekends with all four of us hanging out together. It's always been a lot of fun but it's also quite intense. I'm usually not a terribly social person: I enjoy time with friends but I need my own space. I think for me a weekend is pretty much a maximum time of this kind of intense group-time so that I'm still able to enjoy it. There have also been times I've spent time with Mya and Alec, and those have also been pretty intense, but in a slightly different way, since I obviously know both of them better than I do JJ (we're still getting to know each other, as are Alec and JJ, and Mya and Alec as well, although they've seen each other a bit more often). We'll see how it goes when Mya comes to visit: it'll be for a week, but all of us are doing other stuff too (they work and I study) and all of us will have some space and stuff of our own, so it won't be as intense as it is when it's weekend and one or two people are visiting. We'll be sharing more of everyday life and it'll be less of a 'special occasion', so it won't be/feel rude for anybody to take some time alone if they need it etc.

When we spend time as a group, I still seem to put some pressure on myself for everybody to enjoy themselves (and Alec does this, too; don't know about Mya and JJ). I know it isn't smart, cause it obviously isn't my responsibility and I can't make people have fun if it doesn't come naturally no matter how badly I want it. So I know it's moronic and I'm trying to stop. And it's getting easier to let it be the more time we do spend together and the more evidence I get that people actually like each other. I almost drove myself crazy with this the first time me, Mya and Alec hung out (as they can testify), and compared to that it's getting a thousand times better. But it's still exhausting, to stress over the what ifs and stuff I really have no control over (and I guess that's why I have such a hard time in letting it go). If anybody has any magical tips, besides trying to rationalise myself out of it, feel welcome to share... ;)
 
I had an enlightening poly conversation with Alec yesterday. We haven't really talked about it as exhaustingly in a while. I mean, we've communicated about specific situations and if there's been something acute, but we haven't had a "general-poly-discussion-session" as such, other than the ones we had in the beginning of all of this. And I don't think it's a bad thing that we haven't had those kinds of conversations, because we've still communicated everything that's been relevant to the situation at hand, and if we're constantly talking about something we have no time to process and form opinions of our own (this is how it works with me and Alec, and in our dynamic).

Anyway, I feel very good that we discussed things at length, even though it wasn't all warm and fussy. There was a lot of new information for me (though no total surprises), and I'm sure some for him, too. I can see that he's done a lot of processing about poly, and it's all starting to feel a lot more concrete. That is, he is seeing what a poly situation actually means for us, and what me having a girlfriend entails to him, as well. He's not big on hypothesising in general and knows nobody with experience of poly, so there is a lot of things he is feeling and thinking about only now that poly has started to become more concrete. Therefore, much of the stuff he shared with me yesterday is very propably almost as new to him as it is for me. But he is now thinking about the future and about what it is that he wants or needs, and some boundaries are starting to take shape around that.

I know there are some conflicting wants. There may be even somewhat conflicting needs, although I feel hopeful that with creative thinking we'll be able to find a situation where everybody can be satisfied and happy even if they aren't getting everything they want. It is rare, though, in life generally to get everything you want, although you can maximise it by thinking outside the box(es). So poly isn't really special in that respect.

Anyway, it's good that Alec is thinking and communicating about stuff. It's good that he is forming boundaries and being clear about them, even when he suspects I won't be too happy about them. It's good that he tells me how he feels and what he wants, even if those things make him feel ashamed or guilty. It's good that he's sharing his feelings without any wish to control me, i.e. without wanting me to change my behaviour based on them (while still obviously expecting me to care about them and take them into consideration - I think there is a huge difference). It's good that what he expresses as his wants and needs seem to be his genuine wants and needs coming from within himself and NOT from any feelings of jealousy or competition or possession or selfishness.

None of us have any poly experience, Alec doesn't know anybody poly or even open, and all of his friends and family have a very monogamous mindset. Because of all of this, I feel that there are a lot of potential pitfalls, in which it would be easy to fall and which could blow the whole thing up. But all the good stuff I wrote above makes me feel safe. It makes me feel that we are doing poly in a healthy way.
 
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Last week Mya described me as a patient person. I've never really thought of myself that way. But when we talked about it, and the more I think about it, the more it starts to sound like it's true. It may be that I've always been quite patient but I think I've become better at it.

Today, I'm thinking about patience in relation to communication. I think the bit of reading I've done about poly and the importance of communication has had a major effect. Somehow, I'm becoming a very good listener. I think it comes from realising how important it is to listen. But I think there is some baggage I've left behind, and the concept of boundaries has been really helpful. For example, if Alec tells me about some negative feelings he has, I only take it as a statement of a fact. I listen and interpret it as it is meant: that he has feelings. I no longer take it to mean that he's blaming me, or attempting to control me, or that it is something he wants me to fix. And I no longer feel guilty. Wow. It's taken me seven years to get rid of that shit.

Looking back, first I always felt guilty and tried to please him (as in do as I thought he wanted me to). After that I started to get angry about the feelings of guilt, and at him for "making me feel guilty". After that I started to doubt whether he was in actuality trying to make me feel guilty and control me or whether the guilt was purely my own reaction to what he was saying. In most recent years, I haven't believed in him trying to make me feel guilty anymore, but I've still tried to fix stuff and I haven't been good at making boundaries. But now. I can actually have a conversation and listen to him and sympathise to his feelings. And not feel guilt or feel that I have to change something or automatically believe that his negative feelings come from something I must have done wrong.

Wow. What a load of crap it is that parents are able to install into us as our way of relating with other people! :eek:
 
Wow. What a load of crap it is that parents are able to install into us as our way of relating with other people!

Eh, don't be too hard on them. They only passed along what they themselves were taught. Plus, our peers growing up, and incidents from early childhood play a huge part in how human beings learn to relate to others. By the time a kid is about seven years old, it's pretty much fully baked with regard to having strategies for life. Freaky, isn't it?
 
Hey Rory, I agree with you, it sounds.like the communication skills in your relationship are really strong, kudos. :)

I have to admit, I'm very curious -- "But he is now thinking about the future and about what it is that he wants or needs, and some boundaries are starting to take shape around that." -- are you up to sharing any details on this?
 
Eh, don't be too hard on them. They only passed along what they themselves were taught.
Thanks for writing nycindie. :) Yeah, I know what you mean and agree with you. And I didn't mean to say that it's intentional, I know for a fact it isn't. I just feel that I've done a lot of work in reprogramming myself out of some stuff, and still it's sometimes surprising when I notice how much work there is.

Hey Rory, I agree with you, it sounds.like the communication skills in your relationship are really strong, kudos. :)

I have to admit, I'm very curious -- "But he is now thinking about the future and about what it is that he wants or needs, and some boundaries are starting to take shape around that." -- are you up to sharing any details on this?
Hi Annabel, thanks for writing! :) I hadn't had time to communicate the new things to Mya when I was last writing so I didn't go to much detail, but I'm happy to write some more about that now.

First we were discussing about how the time-sharing is going to work now that Mya will be staying here for a week once a month. Alec is working long days and he was worried that on those weeks he won't see any of me if I'll be sleeping the most nights with Mya. But I explained it to him as I had thought to arrange it, so that I will spend a substantial part of the evening alone with the one of them I'm not sleeping with. I definitely want to have some alone time with both of them every day (and I think they want that too), and I don't think it will be too hard to arrange. Alec felt a bit weird that Mya will be visiting us but I won't keep her company all the time. But the excact difference with this situation is that Mya is only sort of 'visiting' and sort of living here for the week. It's not supposed to be a special occasion but more like everyday life, and she won't be expecting for me to keep her company all the time just as she wouldn't expect it if we were all living together. I think Alec understands that point of view a bit better now, and I think the 'oddness' factor will subside with time. We settled that on the weeks Mya visits I'll be sleeping every third night with Alec and the rest with Mya, i.e. two and five nights. On one hand, he would have hoped for a more equal sharing but, on the other, he does completely understand that me and Mya need to take more time together when she visits cause it'll be three weeks then until we'll see each other again.

That got us talking about what the situation will be like once all of us are living in the same city. I still have three years left in my studies here before we are planning that. Alec has some fears/worries about that, some more and some less realistic. He has no problems with me spending time with Mya, and is happy for me for the love I've found in her. But he's worried about having enough time with me. For one, he expressed fear that I'll spend more of my time with Mya than him since that's what I do when she visits. He does realise himself, though, that this fear is irrational, and that the reason for the unequal time-sharing is the excact fact that we are not living near each other. Therefore I would, for example, obviously sleep more than every third night with him if we were all living very close to each other. I'm glad he expressed that fear, though, since I was able to reassure him about that.

What he's mostly wondering, though, is how much time I'll have for him in the new situation, how much is going to change, and what are his needs in regards to that. One example Alec gave was that I would be living with him for two days, then gone for two, then again he'll see me for a couple and then away again, etc. He said he's not ready for that kind of scenario, and doesn't think he'll ever be, so there is clearly a boundary there. But that's not really what I want either. I don't want two separate relationships, and I definitely don't think it would work for me to compartmentalise my life like that. Rather, I would like to spend a lot of time with both Mya and Alec being present, whether it's group time with all four of us or with the three of us hanging out at home or going somewhere, whatever. The point is that I don't need to divide my time to either one but I'll be able to share much of it with both of them. Obviously all of us need couple-time, too, but it's still a different picture. Still, these things are something we need to get back to, and I guess we won't get the whole picture until we are actually living in the same city. But Alec is worried that we'll have problems arising in the future with incompatible needs. I'm pretty optimistic that we'll be able to find a solution that will feel good to all four people involved.

We also talked about the possibility of living in a poly household, and Alec has some boundaries about that (as I'm sure I do, too, I just don't know yet where they lie). Alec said he doesn't see himself wanting to ever live together in a household with all four of us. We talked about some hypothetical situations, and it seems that he could see himself living with a metamour, but not with a metamour's partner, no matter who they are. Also, he feels that 4 adults living in the same household would just be too much for him. This does put some limitations to the possibilities in the future. But if it's something he doesn't feel comfortable with, I will respect that. I'm not sure at this point if I would've wanted to live together with all four of us at some point (propably), but I know that it's not a need for me. There are plenty of other arrangements where I can share my everyday life with my loves, and I'm sure I can be happy with any of those. What I do want is to live close, and be able to see both of them every day. Although, I don't need that either (couldn't really be in an LDR if I did, and obviously we'll have other important commitments and want to travel separetely, etc.), but it's definitely among my priorities.
 
Interesting! Yeah, it sounds to me like this is all important stuff but also stuff that can be worked out.

I hope I'm not getting too personal here, but I'm curious... it would seem that both you and Mya are interested in both men and women. Has there ever been any attraction by one of you to the other's husband? That could certainly be a factor in any potentially future group living situation.
 
I hope I'm not getting too personal here, but I'm curious... it would seem that both you and Mya are interested in both men and women. Has there ever been any attraction by one of you to the other's husband? That could certainly be a factor in any potentially future group living situation.

I think I can answer this one with these earlier quotes from me and rory:

I've been thinking about my bisexuality lately. I think the best way to describe my preferences would be that I like mostly "feminine features" in a personality, but sometimes you can find them in a man as well. In a way I feel that both my partners are quite feminine, but not too much.

I've experienced some major sexuality changes in recent years and nowadays I think the same goes generally for men: while I can find one hot I don't actually want to have sex with him. Alec is an exception to that "rule".

So, JJ is a man, period, and Alec is quite a manly man. Obviously anything's possible but I doubt anything romantic will happen with me and Alec or rory and JJ even though we all like each other. :)
 
We also talked about the possibility of living in a poly household, and Alec has some boundaries about that (as I'm sure I do, too, I just don't know yet where they lie). Alec said he doesn't see himself wanting to ever live together in a household with all four of us. We talked about some hypothetical situations, and it seems that he could see himself living with a metamour, but not with a metamour's partner, no matter who they are. Also, he feels that 4 adults living in the same household would just be too much for him.

Didn't one of you start a thread a while back looking for feedback on moving in together?

Just my initial opinion, which really means nothing, but I think the part I bolded above is a bit strange, don't you? I mean, why does he feel that way, do you know? It just strikes me as a little odd that a metamour could move in but not the metamour's partner. What if your metamour's partner was also a woman? Would he be okay with another woman moving in? Does having another guy around seem threatening to him in some way? Hasn't he ever had a male roommate?

Sorry for so many questions -- I'm just curious!

I think, if moving in together is something you would eventually want, then a nice goal might be to try it for a vacation sometime in the near future. See if all four of you can swing renting a house or villa for two or three weeks somewhere, so everyone can see what it's like to live, cook, shop, and play together. That would be so cool!
 
Annabel, I agree with you that all of the stuff is something that can be worked out. :) The metamour relationships are all platonic. The things Mya quoted are factors in why I believe it will also stay that way.

Didn't one of you start a thread a while back looking for feedback on moving in together?
Hmm, I don't think so... :confused: I think it was somebody else, since the possibility of co-habitation has been so far in the future for us, anyway. :)

Neither me or Alec have ever lived with roommates. I think the thought of living with another man feels weird to him. But we talked about hypothetical situations, and I asked him whether he would feel comfortable living with, say, Mya's girlfriend (if she had one), and he said he wouldn't want that either. From what I understand, it's about closeness. I guess he would feel like he has a closer relationship to a metamour because he loves me and I love her. So it wouldn't feel so weird living with somebody I love so much. But with metamour's partner there isn't a link that close: that is a person who is loved by a person that I love. He relates to my feelings in a different way, I guess, because he loves me and thinks of me as family, and he would be able to feel that a person I love is his family, too. With a metamour's partner it's different: while Alec can understand that they are somebody she loves, he can't feel the connection in the same way.

Thank you for that question, Nycindie, I hadn't really had time to think about what might be behind it. I knew it was about the closeness, because I asked him, and he also gave an example that his best friend from childhood is the only friend he has he could imagine living with. I think I understand Alec a bit better now that I've thought about this more. :)

We've had a few weekends of the kind of time you describe when we've visited each other, and it's been a lot of fun. However, all the people who aren't romantically involved are still getting to know each other, so I think it would be too soon for us to go to that kind of a trip together yet. I think it's best to keep on doing what we've been doing previously: to spend time in a group when that happens naturally. I feel it's good to take things slow and get used to the whole situation, so that it doesn't feel overwhelming. There's still three years until we'll be living in the same city, and I think by then everybody will know each other pretty well and poly won't feel as new and odd as it does now when it's only been six months. All of that is good because we'll be obviously seeing a lot more of each other, but also all of us will have our own spaces and own lifes in the same place, so that they are free to choose how to spend time and who to spend it with. I think it's important that nobody feels pressured. I guess I see how often it can intensify conflict and blow things up when things move fast. I rather put a lot of time in building the base for poly, particularly since it's new to all of us, so that by the time it's done it won't be very much affected by any conflicts there may be.
 
I'm now far away - and many time zones apart - from rory and it's really hard to communicate. She wrote me all that stuff before she wrote it here. I can tell you it wasn't easy reading it. I didn't sleep well in two nights, because I wasn't able to talk to her. I wrote a reply but it was very emotional, just a burst of negative feelings. When we finally got to talk via skype, it was intense. There were some misunderstandings to be cleared but mostly we talked about my message where I wrote stuff I felt and rory read some of them as accusations so there was a lot to deal with.

I just felt so disappointed. Living together all four of us was my big dream. I know it was bigger for me than it was for anyone else. And now that dream is crushed and it hurts like hell. Even though I can intellectually understand Alec's point of view, it makes me really sad that he doesn't want to live with JJ and can't imagine thinking him as family.
 
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