Is our time split unusual?

... last Sunday evening our boiler broke down and we had no hot water for the children's baths. A quick phone call and then we put the three youngest ones in the car and my wife bathed them all (and had a shower herself) at D's flat and then I picked the kids up in their pyjamas, which they thought was a great adventure. The next day to say thanks I cooked him a dinner and my wife left it in his flat with a note for when he came home from work.
It's just about trust and talking.
My wife absolutely loves the fact she has the support and resources of two men. We think we have the best wife out there.

That's so sweet! But good god, man, 3 youngest kids? how many do you have? :p

My advice would be to try the schedule they want for a month or so Magdlyn and see how it works out. Would there be any strings attached like you cannot contact her during that time?

Oh no, we often text each other to check in when on dates. :)

We'll see how it goes. It's an exciting step.
 
Geeze does this thread hit home. This is the single biggest issue in our relationship right now.

Basically, Violet monopolizes the unholy hell out of my time, and feels justified in doing so, and the other 2 get the table scraps. And whenever I try to work things differently, there's hell to pay. And GOD FORBID anyone tell Violet that she's doing so; THAT'S a can of worms NOBODY wants to open anymore.

Basically, Lana respects my time with Violet to a degree that's unhealthy for her and is alternately tolerant and respectful of my time with Adrian.

And Violet is alternately resentful of my time with either of them or totally benevolent - "hey baby? [Adrian/Lana] really seems to need you right now. Why don't I go [insert something here] while you take a few hours to take care of her". And then uses that as ammunition the next time one of them voices an issue with her getting every night and half the days with me.

*sigh*


Ditto. :(
I spend every night with Maca. During the week he leaves for work early and I generally spend those mornings with GG. Weekends are Maca's.

However, I have the kids in the morning during the week. Since I homeschool, I can't just relax and curl up in bed all morning. I have to get up and make sure that they have help for their school work and morning routine.
On the weekend Mimi gets up with the kids, so I have longer mornings in bed with Maca.

GG definitely gets "table scraps" of my time. He never complains. But-it bothers me.
 
For instance last Sunday evening our boiler broke down and we had no hot water for the children's baths. A quick phone call and then we put the three youngest ones in the car and my wife bathed them all (and had a shower herself) at D's flat and then I picked the kids up in their pyjamas, which they thought was a great adventure. The next day to say thanks I cooked him a dinner and my wife left it in his flat with a note for when he came home from work.
It's just about trust and talking.
My wife absolutely loves the fact she has the support and resources of two men. We think we have the best wife out there.
In our house we call this "extended consideration." Mono has talked on this topic before. It is what I mean by empathy and compassion when I talk of foundations... making choices for the greater good of all. Yes, it is about trust, talking, flexibility, support, resources also... whatever you want to call it... but it really is thee most essential part of making long term poly arrangements work...

Its taking the self out of situations knowing that in the long run that is returned and given back to you. When I give to my partners it is returned to me in so many ways that I don't even know about yet. It's a surprise a lot of the time... it also means I feel confident in my requests of them too. Also important. Its the back bone to a poly family as far as I am concerned. It's a mini community that is truly a team in the most purist way.

This makes me happy and more grateful about my own life and family. Thanks Vodkafan for sharing the details. I don't know if my men see me as the best wife ever, but whatever, they are the best husbands ever... I'm sure your wife and I would have to fight that one out! ;):D
 
Wow, that is a large family, VF. Many questions:

How long have you 2 been practicing poly?
How long has she has this bf?
Do you have a lover too, or are you not interested in that?
How do your kids explain their "2 daddies" to their friends and community?
Are you a closed V, or open to others?
 
Wow, that is a large family, VF. Many questions:

How long have you 2 been practicing poly?
How long has she has this bf?
Do you have a lover too, or are you not interested in that?
How do your kids explain their "2 daddies" to their friends and community?
Are you a closed V, or open to others?

Hi Magdlyn, sorry quick answers I have to start work!

Almost 8 months now
she knew D 2 months before , there was a little bit of deceit at the beginning.
No lover for me, not interested, D and I are both mono.
The kids don't tell anybody. We haven't told them not to, they just don't.
We are definitely closed.
 
Thanks. You all seem to be doing very well with your first try at poly!
 
So are their 3 days on a steady schedule (the same days of the week) most of the time, or do you schedule the 3 days in a more spontaneous manner?

I am considering a similar time splitting arrangement and am trying to understand how scheduling might work. I wouldn't want, for instance, to have one partner have all the weekend days and the other none. Scheduling the same set dates each week (with flexibility to change around as needed) would help set expectations nicely, but I also like the idea of scheduling the 3-day block about 2 weeks in advance based on what else is on the calendar. Does that seem workable, from your experience?
 
Our living arrangements have changed a lot lately, so that's why the time is also split differently at different times. At the moment and during this summer I live in one city, JJ lives in another and rory lives in a third with her husband. I live 2 hours from rory and 7 hours from JJ. I spend about every other weekend with one of them and during the week I'm alone. Well, usually not really alone, but without my loves. When I'm with rory, she usually comes to my place and when I'm with JJ, I usually go to his place (which is actually my house too). Sometimes one of them comes to my place during the week as well, rory for a night after work because it's only 2 hours away, and JJ during his summer holiday for a longer period of time.

The living situation is going to change again in the autumn when I move back in with JJ and rory and her husband are moving further away from us. The plan is I'll be spending one week of every month at their place. The distance is so long that it's quite impossible to see more often, so I think that's a good solution for now. That kind of arrangement is possible because of my flexible job that I'll start in the autumn.

In the future I'm hoping that we could all live in the same city and close to each other. If all goes well and a lot of time has passed, then maybe even in the same house.
 
Is it still going well for you three, 6 months later?

Sadly Runeshower, No. My marriage is over and I have moved out. But my wife is not with the other guy either. She told lots of lies to both of us and now she has nobody. And after it fell apart he didn't turn out to be a very nice person either. The police have been involved. I don't want anything more to do with polyamory.
But I want to stress, poly did not wreck my marriage. My wife wrecked our marriage.
 
Oh my god!

Wow. I sure didn't expect this kind of update. I am so sorry for your pain and loss. :(

Many hugs. How are the kids doing? Where are they?
 
I must admit that I was wondering as we hadn't heard from you for so long.

I too am very sorry for your loss Vodkafan and hope that you can rebuild your
life is a positive way.

I do think that this is an important case that we can all learn from, although I totally understand that it may all be too painful for VF to comment further. My big question is: why, when a polyamorous person seemingly is given what they want they still cheat or lie?
I know polyamorous people come in at all levels of morality and maybe that is all the answer ever can be but I suppose I have an underlying belief in the basic goodness of people. Maybe this has thrown me because monogamy takes the blame as an unworkable situation for many people, when in fact they may be incapable of ethical non-monogamy as well.
 
Thanks for being the bearer of this news rather than me. I appreciate not sitting on it any more... lots of love to you my friend. :)
 
Thanks Redpepper, and Sage and Magdlyn. Although I don't think I am suited to poly, compared to the emotional events before and after, I will remember it as a relatively quiet time with few arguments and lots of good sex. ;)
At least my marriage went out with a bang at the end.
 
Vodkafan, I am also glad you posted what you've been going through, as I have been thinking about you ever since you told me. But I wanted to give you space. Please remember my offer to have further conversations if you need someone to talk to. You have my private email.
 
Vodkafan, I am also glad you posted what you've been going through, as I have been thinking about you ever since you told me. But I wanted to give you space. Please remember my offer to have further conversations if you need someone to talk to. You have my private email.

Thanks Cindie, I haven't forgotten. Been busy these last few days settling down into my new flat and having a bit of an emotional breather really. I think I might stick around here too as I have made some friends here including yourself. Although I won't be able to contribute much in terms of opinions and posting I suppose.
I am not bitter.
 
I'm still wondering what will happen to your large family. All those kids. You're getting a small apartment and your wife gets all the kids and custody?
 
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