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Old 03-07-2010, 05:38 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I think the overall point I was trying make is that even if you're committed to one thing, it doesn't mean you're exclusive to that thing. You can put it at the top of your priority list without it being the only thing on your list. So you can be married and make your marriage your top [relationship] priority while allowing other relationships to develop in their own right.

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Where does the term "BEST FRIEND " come into play? I agree that it dosent mean you cant have ANY other friends but there is the almighty "BEST FRIEND"
There are 3 people I consider "best friends," one of whom is my husband. But that's not even the point. Most people have a best friend and then other friends. And good friends never tell you who your other friends are allowed to be. And it's normal to drift away from one best friend as lives and interests diverge, and we go closer to a different friend

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Again I agree but why do we pick a major? And once we have picked a major we gear our learning towards that field.Even after finishing school the direction we gravitate towards for further learning is influenced by a commitment to a direction of learning.
I'm really bad at picking majors! I'm on my 2nd bachelors and 3rd major :P Right now I'm settling on double honours Chemistry / Physics because I like them both. One of my best friends is in pharmacy, she absolutely hates school but she loves being a pharmacist. She does as little studying as she can get away with, but she loves learning and reading anything that isn't for school.

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
It only carries that association to exclusivity if that is what YOU believe it means to you. Every person is different and has a right to decide for themselves what the commitment of marriage meansto them.
Personally, I completely agree with you. I guess I should clarify that I meant how society perceives commitment.

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Where you live is it not allowed to write your own vows? I dont know all the laws in the different parts of the world, but if it is legal then why would you say " I DO" when you do not believe in that? If it is the law then back to my first post that I made on this thread. Why get married? I can understand if it was for financial or security purposes but if you ( by law) have to agree to something that you dont believe in why do that??
You're completely right of course, we could have written our own vows. We did write one set of them. But there were like 4 separate sections for "vow-like statements", and we didn't entirely understand how it was all going down. So we wrote our own "I promise to ____" vows, but not our own "I do" vows.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
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from getting into a box yourself.
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Old 03-07-2010, 06:13 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I read it to Maca. He's terrible about grabbing my computer when we're on the couch so he can write his thoughts in MY log in!

Ah the joys of marriage.

Anyway-I still personally agree greatly with your previous post in regards to "why" do we stipulate that marriage be a commitment to only one person when generally we understand that it's possible to be committed without exclusivity.

I do greatly appreciate your kind hearted ability to reply to Maca without getting irritated. He's really struggling right now, to find himself within this new life he finds himself surrounded by.

It's hard enough that his wife said, "I love you, but I figured out what's wrong with me, I'm poly. I can't be anything else. I AM still in love with you, but I'm also in love with him and I have been for years."
But then to boot, in finding out about polyamory-I shared that information with my closest friends, and several of them responded with "OMG THAT is what's wrong with me!"

Of course when I say "wrong" I'm not saying polyamory is wrong, but that we knew for years we were different, and we FELT wrong, but didn't know what it was. Now we know. So Maca isn't just dealing with me, but a whole group of people surrounding him who've all SUDDENLY come out as Polyamorous!

The patience of people on here talking to/with him is a HUGE help for him.
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Old 03-07-2010, 06:43 AM
katharinerose katharinerose is offline
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Originally Posted by maca View Post
The thing is, other than the financial benifits and the security of the kids, What does being married matter? I will care and love for LR anyways. Im commited to her and will remain so. So honestly, what besides mortal worldly benefits ,does a piece of paper and a cerimony mean?

Sorry if I sound cynical. Im struggeling with this concept right now and .......Just Dazed and Confused Life of Maca
I wanted to throw my perspective as someone who fights daily to be viewed as married to my love. That piece of paper and that ceremony matters hugely. Actually, we have/had two of each. A social/spiritual marriage, a legal marriage, and a domestic partnership. Before we were married the first time, we talked with our officiant, a former priest and friend of the family, and he said that in a marriage isn't something created by just two people. It is created by two people and all those who help to support and sustain that marriage. Opposite-sex couples who get married automatically have huge support for their unions not only from the government, but from the community. What we, and other families who don't fall in the "one man, one woman, forsaking all others" camp, were doing was much harder because that automatic support just isn't there.

Being able to have a ceremony, knowing that we were supported by our family and friends, and knowing that not only we but they would help us keep our commitment to one another, was huge. Even if, as was true at the time, we didn't get any recognition from the state and in the eyes of the law we were strangers (and still are, according to the Feds).

And when we got that paper from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts that said that they recognized that we were spouses, that was huge, too, for the security that it brought, and for the formal acknowledgement that, there at least, our relationship and our shared life was equally as important and worth supporting as that of our straight friends and family.

As in all things, YMMV, and not everyone needs that kind of public support/acknowledgement, but when your family looks so very different from the norm, having it can be extremely powerful.
So in search of love and laughter, I'll be travelling 'cross this land,
Never sure of where I'm going, for I haven't any plan.
And in time when you are ready, come and join me, take my hand
And together we'll share life out on the loose.

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commitment, legal issues, marriage, marriage vs. polyamory, primary, questions, responsibility

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