LittleSingingBat
New member
Salutations, all.
I am posting now because I could use comfort, advice, or even just a sounding board from poly people in general, or maybe even from someone who has been in a similar position.
The situation:
Me + Him (Wolf) + Her (Lioness)
We are a poly triangle (we all have relationships with each other, to different varying degrees.)
We have all been in poly relationships before, again to varying degrees.
Lioness and I dated (for about three years, in another poly triangle) before she married Wolf. (At the time, we actually talked about becoming a quad with Wolf and the other man we were with at the time.)
We have all known each other for about ten years.
Wolf and Lioness have been married for almost 4 years. They have three children, an almost 3 year old and a set of nearly 1 year old twins. We began seeing each other (as a triangle) a few months before the twins were born, and, shortly after their birth, realized we worked exceptionally well as a family unit.
When we realized the depth of our bond, we gathered research on poly / poly families with kids, took our time, and had serious discussions about how we envisioned the relationship/family developing. At the time, we all agreed that we would try for a "forever" family (the same kind of forever implied by a marriage, for example), and that, when the timing was right, I would have our last (my first) child, completing our family.
Our relationship ideal was that we would all be considered equal friends, lovers, and partners in the relationship, and that we would treat all of the children as our own, whether ours by genetics or choice.
After about seven months of dating, we moved in together. Even before we lived together and increasingly so in the time since, I have taken on the responsibilities of an alloparent. I watch the kids, feed them, change diapers, help teach and play games with them, and so on-- just like Wolf and Lioness do, with some tasks falling more often to one person or another. For example, Wolf tends to be the one that bathes the kids, Lioness and I tend to be the ones that feed them, and Wolf and Lioness have been the ones to get up with the new babies the most in the night.
We are coming up on the anniversary of our triangle forming, and so I recently initiated a check-in conversation about our status--
-- Currently I am viewed as "girlfriend" in the relationship, and I asked if / when I might be considered "spouse" to either or both of them.
-- I was hoping to be considered as a "mother" to (all) the children in the relationship and wanted to know if / when this was still a possibility.
After having asked this, Lioness told us (much to my and Wolf's surprise) that she'd had some concerns too, and that she wasn't sure she was interested in Baby 4 anymore. She listed many different reasons, some of which are genuine causes for concern, and some of which felt... forced. I took a few days to think on it and then very carefully but clearly asked Lioness if perhaps the reason she is hesitating in all three departments (me as spouse, me as "mom," me as physical mother) might be because she wants to be the sole wife and mother in the relationship.
**It is important to note that all of our communication has been very mature, civil, and considerate. We are careful to use direct communication and to express our thoughts and needs with consideration for the others. I have absolutely no complaints there and I'm actually very proud of us for doing so well. (The poly research we did at the beginning of this relationship is really showing!)
It is also important to note that I told her that I will understand and respect her needs/happiness if she finds that she *does* want to be the only wife and mother in the relationship. That is a valid, legitimate desire, both in and outside of the scope of polyamory. (We know a V relationship that works that way, for instance.)
That said, I was also very clear that I need to know if that is the case because that is NOT the relationship I desire.
Lioness's response has been that she does not know, and that she needs to think about it. I respect this entirely. It's a big decision! However, waiting each day to find out whether or not my relationship and the future I was working so hard to build is going to come up incompatible is agonizing. I do not know how much longer I can hold out, being patient and supportive as I wait.
How long do you think I should give her to think on this topic? How long do I need to just "suck it up," before I should expect an answer? Or maybe you have some tactics for making the wait more bearable? I am open to suggestion!
This is especially important as, currently, Lioness has asked that I not withdraw or "take a break" from the relationship-- which means that I am still participating in alloparent duties. So, not only am I tormented each day by the fact that this might be my last with Wolf and Lioness and the children that I have grown to love, but I am still caring for the children that I may lose in almost all of my free time.
Does anyone have any advice for me?
Feel free to ask any questions you might have too-- I'll answer to the best of my ability.
Thank you so much.
I am posting now because I could use comfort, advice, or even just a sounding board from poly people in general, or maybe even from someone who has been in a similar position.
The situation:
Me + Him (Wolf) + Her (Lioness)
We are a poly triangle (we all have relationships with each other, to different varying degrees.)
We have all been in poly relationships before, again to varying degrees.
Lioness and I dated (for about three years, in another poly triangle) before she married Wolf. (At the time, we actually talked about becoming a quad with Wolf and the other man we were with at the time.)
We have all known each other for about ten years.
Wolf and Lioness have been married for almost 4 years. They have three children, an almost 3 year old and a set of nearly 1 year old twins. We began seeing each other (as a triangle) a few months before the twins were born, and, shortly after their birth, realized we worked exceptionally well as a family unit.
When we realized the depth of our bond, we gathered research on poly / poly families with kids, took our time, and had serious discussions about how we envisioned the relationship/family developing. At the time, we all agreed that we would try for a "forever" family (the same kind of forever implied by a marriage, for example), and that, when the timing was right, I would have our last (my first) child, completing our family.
Our relationship ideal was that we would all be considered equal friends, lovers, and partners in the relationship, and that we would treat all of the children as our own, whether ours by genetics or choice.
After about seven months of dating, we moved in together. Even before we lived together and increasingly so in the time since, I have taken on the responsibilities of an alloparent. I watch the kids, feed them, change diapers, help teach and play games with them, and so on-- just like Wolf and Lioness do, with some tasks falling more often to one person or another. For example, Wolf tends to be the one that bathes the kids, Lioness and I tend to be the ones that feed them, and Wolf and Lioness have been the ones to get up with the new babies the most in the night.
We are coming up on the anniversary of our triangle forming, and so I recently initiated a check-in conversation about our status--
-- Currently I am viewed as "girlfriend" in the relationship, and I asked if / when I might be considered "spouse" to either or both of them.
-- I was hoping to be considered as a "mother" to (all) the children in the relationship and wanted to know if / when this was still a possibility.
After having asked this, Lioness told us (much to my and Wolf's surprise) that she'd had some concerns too, and that she wasn't sure she was interested in Baby 4 anymore. She listed many different reasons, some of which are genuine causes for concern, and some of which felt... forced. I took a few days to think on it and then very carefully but clearly asked Lioness if perhaps the reason she is hesitating in all three departments (me as spouse, me as "mom," me as physical mother) might be because she wants to be the sole wife and mother in the relationship.
**It is important to note that all of our communication has been very mature, civil, and considerate. We are careful to use direct communication and to express our thoughts and needs with consideration for the others. I have absolutely no complaints there and I'm actually very proud of us for doing so well. (The poly research we did at the beginning of this relationship is really showing!)
It is also important to note that I told her that I will understand and respect her needs/happiness if she finds that she *does* want to be the only wife and mother in the relationship. That is a valid, legitimate desire, both in and outside of the scope of polyamory. (We know a V relationship that works that way, for instance.)
That said, I was also very clear that I need to know if that is the case because that is NOT the relationship I desire.
Lioness's response has been that she does not know, and that she needs to think about it. I respect this entirely. It's a big decision! However, waiting each day to find out whether or not my relationship and the future I was working so hard to build is going to come up incompatible is agonizing. I do not know how much longer I can hold out, being patient and supportive as I wait.
How long do you think I should give her to think on this topic? How long do I need to just "suck it up," before I should expect an answer? Or maybe you have some tactics for making the wait more bearable? I am open to suggestion!
This is especially important as, currently, Lioness has asked that I not withdraw or "take a break" from the relationship-- which means that I am still participating in alloparent duties. So, not only am I tormented each day by the fact that this might be my last with Wolf and Lioness and the children that I have grown to love, but I am still caring for the children that I may lose in almost all of my free time.
Does anyone have any advice for me?
Feel free to ask any questions you might have too-- I'll answer to the best of my ability.
Thank you so much.