Pregnant and new to poly! Help!!!

HotMamma111

New member
Though I've been fascinated and read about new relationship types and poly relationships, I'm pretty new to living it. My partner (of one year) and myself are exploring our first poly relationship together, and have been taking baby steps over the last six months. We've been taking care to check in around dates, communicated expectations and agreements, and both want each other to be fully happy and free to grow, love, and continue a shared path.

The extent of our poly experiences extended to going on chill dates, and playing with others at parties, often with each other present. We haven't yet delved into having intimate partners or serious boyfriends or girlfriends.

Things have recently changed however, as I'm now expecting his child and am 10 weeks pregnant. We have not dialogued a real conversation around expectations during this current journey, but for myself, am already feeling sensitive, raw and really unable to fathom exploring poly in any deep way. My body is changing, and am wanting to delve deeper into deepening our connection and bond between each other.

With my reluctant blessing, he's been on a second date (to my knowledge) with a woman, after I've already expressed my sentiments around being pregnant and wanting more connection. It's harder for me, as I'm not feeling like the sexiest creature to continue romping (while dealing with extra weight, nausea and general unease), so feelings of jealousy have started to come into play.

Before he left, he finally expressed how happy he is to be with me, and started expressing some deep feelings of gratitude for our connection. But he has now yet to come home, and may possibly be out all night on his first overnight date.

I'm beginning to regret all of this, as I'm feeling like a break to just connect with eachother is what I'm needing, while I'm feeling he's scared of losing his freedom. While I love him, this is also extremely painful for me to process.

Does anyone have some guidance they can share in navigating these waters?

Much love and blessings.
 
Show him what you just wrote.

I hear you saying you want more connection with him. This is of course healthy and good, since you two are pregnant, and it sounds like a planned pregnancy. The focus right now should be on your health, rest, comfort etc., as you grow the child you are both responsible for!

Going out on an overnight for a first date is highly unusual! Not knowing when he will be home sounds terrible.

Many polyamorists take a break from being actively poly for at least a year after the baby comes, if not two years... or 10!

It's sad, but almost every week here, we hear from a pregnant or newly delivered mom, whose male partner is all of a sudden poly and dating, supporting her and caring for the baby less than she needs and deserves. Even though you two started opening your marriage and swinging, threesomes, whatever, a new helpless human being is going to be coming out of your vagina! You're nauseated, bloated, exhausted in your first trimester. He needs to be getting you food, rubbing your feet and acting like the father to be he is.

You could read some books together. More Than Two, and Opening Up, are good ones. This sounds messy and yucky as it stands right now.

Good luck!
 
Thanks for your message

Thanks for your message!

We've just had a conversation after he came home at 3:30am, and communicated with him my feelings. After a lengthy dialogue, he's said that he loves me and wants to have the baby, but cannot be monog until the last trimester.

For me, maybe it's a fantasy, but being pregnant on this journey together with full blissful devotion and to each other for this (short in the grand scheme of things) period is for me a time to feel his full support, love and full on devotion to the mother of his child. Maybe the hormones are creeping in and wacky, and perhaps I'm feeling additionally super emotional, but I can't fathom us navigating the waters of learning to swim in an open relationship while being 5 months pregnant and large, and keeping my confidence and groundedness while he's out with others.

A quick note: He hasn't divulged to his date or any of his other faraway crushes about us being pregnant.

I don't know if I want to be with someone who isn't on that page with me, of being able to set aside a few months of play with others, to fully support and love the one he's chosen to create life with.

Am I being too selfish here? Do I need to assess where my jealousy or fears are kicking in? He asked me what I'm afraid of losing by blessing his freedom while I'm pregnant.

Maybe my fears of becoming like my mother, who had a baby with someone who she had to leave, and raise me on her own.
:(
 
Maybe you are recreating this scenario, of being a betrayed pregnant mother, destined to be single.

Why did you two decide to open your marriage, and then immediately become pregnant? Didn't you realize pregnancy would dampen your desire to explore your sexuality, and ability to love more than one adult, and be sexually desired by them? Didn't you know of your tendency to judge your own sexual desirablity based on your weight and size?

By the way, are you not aware some men find large sized and/or pregnant women extremely sexy? ;) It's true! The generous curves and lushness is seen as very hot by many men. Or women, if you are bi.

Sounds like a lame promise your partner made, to continue dating and fucking others until your third trimester. He will only become more involved with his other(s) in the next few months, making it even harder to give them up when the birth is imminent. :(

But what to do now? You and he made an agreement to explore poly while pregnant. Now you are having second thoughts. It seems it is crucial to renegotiate, but his offer to keep catting around until you are 7 months pregnant, and then focus on you, seems unsatisfactory to you. Perhaps you both need couples counseling with a poly-friendly therapist.

He has "new relationship energy" for his new partner and for polyamory in general. You have NRE for your fetus, plus you have body image issues. Big conflict there. I hope you can get him to listen to your fears of abandonment at this time when your body and emotions are going through huge changes. You do not feel secure.
 
Hello HotMamma. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

So it's not that your boyfriend has started a connection he doesn't want to back out of, but that he simply wants to carry on playing about until later in your pregnancy? This makes absolutely no sense to me. He's essentially saying that *yes*, he agrees that it would be better to be mono once the baby is about to be born? It sounds like he understands the strength of your emotions on this. If he was saying "No, I really need to be poly from now on" this would actually be a more logical argument to me. His current argument tells me that he's either putting frivolity above what you need as the mother of his child, or he's buying time and possibly hoping you'll change your mind. I'd ask him what he thinks it will achieve to carry on with poly for a few more months. I don't mean ask with judgement - I mean as with an open heart to get a clear picture of how he envisions his future.

Taking responsibility
I'd also ensure that you guys talk about the possible impacts if he does decide to continue with poly until later in your pregnancy. We are all free to do as we please, but we are not free from the consequences of our actions. I've made decisions in the past that my girlfriend hasn't been comfortable with it, and I was foolish to think I wouldn't have to pick up the pieces. The same for her in return. So, if you are willing to compromise on this for the next few months, bf has to be willing to step up and deal if you start to feel unhappy, if your relationship suffers, if resentment breeds, and so on. If he can deal with that and still wants to be poly for a few months, so be it.

Stability
You could also consider different ways to introduce stability in your poly lives. A free-for-all of coming home whenever your bf feels like is only going to cause anxiety. When a child is in the picture? This surely isn't ok. Dependability and structure is important for children. In my main relationship, we give an approximate time that we'll be coming home as a common courtesy. Overnights weren't on the cards for us for the first few years of poly.

Agreements
I'd also work on agreements. Whatever you decide to do over the coming months, what happens after that if you stay together? What happens if not? How will parenting be shared in either situation? If still together, how many nights per week will the two of you go out if you're both (or one of you is) dating other people? Will overnights be ok? You could agree to do basic loving parenting things like each taking the baby for one night a week to give the other free time. That free time could be spent with friends, at the gym, relaxing at home, going on a date, or whatever else.

Bonding
Bonding and togetherness could still be achieved whilst poly. If you two focus on your relationship, have dates together, bf gets involved with the pregnancy, you continue to have independent hobbies and interests, and you work on developing even better intimacy with each other, poly might not be so much of a problem on an emotional level.

I do have to say though that if I had gotten my partner pregnant (assuming I was of a different gender ~grins~) and she requested that we take a break from poly, I'd absolutely be willing if I had no ongoing important other relationship. That would be my priority. That's just me.
 
For me, maybe it's a fantasy, but being pregnant on this journey together with full blissful devotion and to each other for this (short in the grand scheme of things) period is for me a time to feel his full support, love and full on devotion to the mother of his child. Maybe the hormones are creeping in and wacky, and perhaps I'm feeling additionally super emotional, but I can't fathom us navigating the waters of learning to swim in an open relationship while being 5 months pregnant and large, and keeping my confidence and groundedness while he's out with others.

I don't know if I want to be with someone who isn't on that page with me, of being able to set aside a few months of play with others, to fully support and love the one he's chosen to create life with.

It's disturbing that you feel like his loving others means he isn't giving you his "full support." The whole concept of poly is that love doesn't diminish if you love more than one. But love seems to be a zero sum game for you. I'm wondering if this IS the right choice for you (being with a poly man), unfortunately you both are choosing to figure this out about yourselves AFTER getting pregnant. So, kinda late for either of you to back out now (unless you chose to terminate, which is a valid option, of course). But once the baby is born, you're both with each other, for better or worse.

It's also worrisome that you and he haven't determined your needs and wants with each other, prior to opening up. My partner and I had a messy start....mostly because he and his former partner did NOT set up any standards or boundaries before he fell for me, and I for him. It's super important that you two sit down and figure this out ASAP.

Is it possible to sit down and figure out what your needs and expectations are? Closing up is not an option if he doesn't agree to it; and you hoping he'll just "know" what you need and give it to you isn't a healthy choice for you and the baby. What if he ends up neglecting you?
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I could be wrong, but this does not sound like a planned pregnancy. Was it? If it was unplanned, that could be adding a layer of stress to all this.

With my reluctant blessing...

I'm beginning to regret all of this,

Could stop giving that if it leads to regrets for you later.

If it is not a joyous yes, could say NO. Not this "reluctant blessing" stuff. It does not serve you well to not be emotionally honest. It does not help him or the shared relationship either.

I'm feeling he's scared of losing his freedom.

Ask to be sure. Do not assume or guess. ASK.

Ask what his vision for fatherhood during pregnancy/after birth is. Could have had these conversations well before, but that opportunity was missed. So have them now. Catch that stuff up. It is important.

Include future children by you, or by others. Is the plan genetic monogamy where only you and he have children together? Or does being "Open" include "open to have children with other partners?"

Could have the serious conversations you need to be having.

We've just had a conversation after he came home at 3:30am, and communicated with him my feelings. After a lengthy dialogue, he's said that he loves me and wants to have the baby, but cannot be monog until the last trimester.

Would he be willing for "no new partners, just the ones already dating?" If he is just not willing, then he's just not willing. Trust that he can be a balanced hinge. Agree on what happens if it turns out he is NOT being a balanced hinge. Then... let him own that part of the job.

Focus on what you need -- which is more connection with him. Flesh out what that looks like. Because that is the main thing right? If he doesn't date anyone else but spends all his time bowling -- you'd still be unhappy he isn't spending time with you. So focus on what you want, rather than what you do not want.

For me, maybe it's a fantasy, but being pregnant on this journey together with full blissful devotion and to each other for this (short in the grand scheme of things) period is for me a time to feel his full support, love and full on devotion to the mother of his child.

So you two did not calibrate your expectations of pregnancy before getting pregnant? Could do it now then, and talk about how to bring it closer to what you would like in a doable way for him.

I can't fathom us navigating the waters of learning to swim in an open relationship while being 5 months pregnant and large, and keeping my confidence and groundedness while he's out with others.

Well, don't think that far ahead. It's too late now to be "not pregnant" and you both sound like you want to keep it.

So focus on what you need TODAY for confidence and groundedness. Deal with 5 mos out then -- what you want then might be same or might be different.

You sound overwhelmed as it is. I find that narrowing the focus to "one thing at a time here" helps me sort things out when I am overwhelmed.

A quick note: He hasn't divulged to his date or any of his other faraway crushes about us being pregnant.

Why not? Does he not want his dating partners to be aware so that if he has to bail suddenly on a date to attend to pregnancy health issues they don't think he's being a flake?


We've been taking care to check in around dates, communicated expectations and agreements, and both want each other to be fully happy and free to grow, love, and continue a shared path.

Keep doing this now. But you could be more honest -- don't be doing that "reluctant blessing" thing. Be up front with him about how you feel, want, need, are willing to be flexible on. Expect same from him. Then expect both to sort things out and colloborate/compromise where necessary.

Pregnancy is not every year of a person's life. It is exceptional circumstances for both as parenthood has begun. Flesh out and articulate your commitments to the child you've created.Then you know what to expect of each other as parents.

I urge you to have more of the important conversations you both need to be having. If you need help having those, consider a counselor to aid you.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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Hi HotMamma111,

I can't speak as an expert, for I have never had any kids, but it seems to me that polyamory is super hard to do when one or more babies is in the equation. Your pregnancy has already got you feeling the need for a lot more of your partner's attention. After the baby is born, that child is going to need more attention than any two people can spare. So where will your partner find time to do polyamory then -- without neglecting the baby and you? Until that child is at least no longer a toddler, and is going to school, I just don't see it. And if you guys get pregnant again in the meantime, then there's really no time for extra stuff like poly. Just my opinion.

Of course, humans are notorious problem solvers, and people do find ways to make poly work with babies and toddlers at home. But it's no easy feat, and it would be unfair for him to stick you with all the parenting duties while he goes out and has his fun. Some kind of a fair solution must be reached.

I don't suppose a compromise would be possible? Maybe he could cut down on his dating a certain amount? He's surely gonna have to cut down once the child is born anyway, isn't he?

I suspect that most of the poly-ness you guys agreed to will have to wait until five (ten?) years from now when the baby/ies have/has grown enough to have a little independence.

Right now there are just two of you: a man and a pregnant woman. Later this year there will be three of you: a man, a woman, and a baby. I hope your partner is thinking about the magnitude of that change.

If you are willing, keep us posted on how things are going.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
What is more important to him - fucking around or fatherhood?

I am beginning to think that all these guys who suddenly want to find additional partners, or who won't back off from poly, during their partner's pregnancy -- are absolutely terrified of being fathers. And likely very ignorant of the drastic changes the pregnant woman is going through that needs their support.
 
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Please consider/prepare for the possibility of Post Birth Depression, it is a common occurrence in mothers.
 
Thanks for all of the insights and clarity

I thank all of you for taking the time to give your perspective and feedback on this entire matter. The last 24 hours have, needless to say, been some of the hardest that I've had to deal with and insight from this community has been welcomed, received and appreciated.

As we were new to opening up, we were taking the time to be gracious and understanding of one another through attending sexy events together and slowly pushing boundaries. But us getting pregnant (with all of its ups and downs, emotions and hormonal rollercoasters), has shifted the tone suddenly. It was about a year sooner than we had planned to think about having children, but yet we both were feeling that each other was the one to embark on the journey with.

While I know that poly and the bathtub metaphor (love isn't like a bathtub...) is the perspective where I should be coming from, I had been hoping for an easing into period which was gradual and allowed time for adjusting. I'm pretty sure that most people starting on the poly path go through a period of adjustment, one that can last anywhere from a few months to a few years. His now inability to even compromise, and my need for a sense of stability and additional support, love (and more physical connection) seem now to be in gridlock.

After a sleepless night, he expressed to me today, that in anger he said some things which weren't coming from love but also expressed that his emotions were also valid. He also stated that he would also rather be with others right up to my birthing day, and that it didn't mean he wouldn't be there for me. This is a change to the agreement that we both initially made together (in being focused on just us 3-4 months prior to birthing the baby) without having done any research or reading into poly pregnancy.

Where I now stand is communicating to him that while I do honour our sovereignty as free beings, being pregnant and monogamish in the final months leading to the birth and for a few months following is what feels right and in alignment to me. This sadly, is something I can't change, and one I'm fearing will be one that he doesn't want to make....Which could lead to us having to decide if we want to bring this baby here...I'm feeling pretty heartbroken that this is where it is headed. While I acknowledge that his fierce need for freedom and now sudden lack of compromise may also be stemming not in part from wanting to love others but fear of missing out on the greater pleasures of poly before being consumed with a new being, I can't help but feel his insensitivity is selfish.

I'm reaching out to the strong women in my life to support me, and am praying that everything leads to a path of love and highest best for all. Much love.
 
It sounds selfish to me too. This is a time of rapid change and emotional neediness (not in a bad way, during pregnancy and early motherhood I believe all women should feel thoroughly cared for so they can focus on nurturing their child) for you that you can't escape. Why does he get to escape it just cod he can?
I too am skeptical of men who can't manage to give twelve months of their attention to their child and mother without running around pursuing other interests. I feel this way about those heavily invested in hobbies too if it means they're not willing to stay with you when you need them instead.
Not being honest about your situation with those he's dating seems like a red flag to me too.
 
Honestly, I think the conversation could be about "taking responsibility and making decisions" at this point. Not "emotions."

You guys find yourselves pregnant a year before you planned to even think about it.

I think you ask for very little. Preparation for pregnancy, birth, early infancy care and nursing the baby took me more than 3-4 months to get a grip on. But that is me, and you are you.

Bottom line? At this time he is not willing to support you in pregnancy in the way YOU need. He is changing prior agreements. He says he will still "be there" but it doesn't sound like he clarifies what that means in terms of behavior he will be doing. The only behavior he does define clearly is "keep dating other people till the birth." What are the other intentions? What are the intentions after the birth?

Do you find him trustworthy and reliable? Like you have confidence he will keep new agreements? Or are you getting a flaky vibe like he will make new ones and then when you get to THAT point in time, he will change them all up again? I think you would know this best. You are there.

I try to assume positive intent, but I have to agree that he sounds selfish the more you write about it all. Do you want to coparent with a selfish person? I think you could do some soul searching.

I think you are pretty much right on this...

Being pregnant and monogamish in the final months leading to the birth and for a few months following is what feels right and in alignment to me. This sadly, is something I can't change, and one I'm fearing will be one that he doesn't want to make....Which could lead to us having to decide if we want to bring this baby here.

I think you could consider whether or not bringing pregnancy to term at this time is the thing.

No matter what you decide... I hope you are able to find support locally as you navigate your next decisions.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
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.....he would also rather be with others right up to my birthing day, and that it didn't mean he wouldn't be there for me.

As you decide how to proceed, keep in mind that insistence on this complete and utter bullshit that defies your needs, requests and the realities of pregnancy, birth and parenthood is giving you a window onto the life ahead, should you stay with this person. Raising a child is one of the greatest threats to a partnership - any cracks will be torn wide open by the day-in-day-out presence of a child. If he is insisting on having things his way now, you can only imagine what life will be like once a baby is part of the picture.

The one thing I rue about poly's growing familiarity is that it seems to be developing into the current excuse for some men to skip out on the family life that they have created. "Sorry, babe, I'm wired for poly!" Good grief.
 
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I totally agree with HappyFallenAngel here. He's showing you who is, and it doesn't look like a rosy picture for the future. Being poly isn't an excuse to be a selfish prig. Actually, the more selfish someone is, the less likely (IMHO) poly is to actually work.

And, him not telling his partners is a big, waving red flag. Also, incredibly unfair to his partners. Having a child is a huge, life-changing event that will inevitably impact his availability and responsibilities for a long time to come (and if it doesn't, he's a shitty dad and partner, period). They have a right to know what they're signing up for, just as you have a right to expect the father of your child and your partner to be those things. Once again, it all comes down to his selfishness. He's not telling his partners about your pregnancy--do you believe that there is any reason that is for his partner's benefit that he would not be telling them? I can't think of any reason that isn't pretty exclusively all about him.

At this point, he isn't being a good person, period. Poly or mono isn't even the point. Do you have any reasonable expectations, and reasons to back up those expectations, that this behavior will not continue?

As you decide how to proceed, keep in mind that insistence on this complete and utter bullshit that defies your needs, requests and the realities of pregnancy, birth and parenthood is giving you a window onto the life ahead, should you stay with this person. Raising a child is one of the greatest threats to a partnership - any cracks will be torn wide open by the day-in-day-out presence of a child. If he is insisting on having things his way now, you can only imagine what life will be like once a baby is part of the picture.

The one thing I rue about poly's growing familiarity is that it seems to developing into the current excuse for some men to skip out on the family life that they have created. "Sorry, babe, I'm wired for poly!" Good grief.
 
Wake Up Call...Thank you for helping me see truth

Well....everything everyone mentioned on this forum was honest, true and greatly appreciated.

Very long story short: After said incident from the first post, it happened again - where he stayed out very late without communicating. We had a fight and eventually realized that his "forgetfullness" of our verbal agreements for communication needed to be written down as an agreement. I was very hurt by all of this - and had to call my midwife (I'm now 5 months pregnant) for help with the anxiety, stress and crying.

I researched current agreements, and drew up a draft to get us started based on Kamala Devi's relationship agreement template. Once he read the part about No unprotected sex with other partners - that's where he sat down to tell me some lame personal story of his struggles with eczema as a child, and how the effects of it covering his body (including penis) made him very unsensitive using protection....even...holding an erection. This was his way of bringing up the fact that he wanted to have unprotected sex with this other woman...that I hadn't yet met, and whom he hadn't gotten tested with.....ALARM BELLS were mutherfucking ringing and I should have run like hell right there.

I said absolutely no way would I even entertain the conversation until I at least met her (to develop a connection), until our agreement was drafted, signed and she signed, and that they both get tested asap. We agreed he would not be intimate with her until then.

Weeks went by, and there was no movement on any fronts. He didn't sign the agreement, didn't get tested, and we didn't meet (his other gf together). After intense anxiety and stress, (and phoning my doctor for extreme stress) I communicated to him that we either focus on our relationship or breakup, as he was not putting the effort into doing poly right. He agreed to communicate with her that we would be closing the relationship for the time being, and that we would focus on building up a solid foundation for us

Upon a lengthy discussion tonight after a few weeks since that discussion, there was still not test, following my intuition got real straight and serious to ask him to disclose the truth (after finding gifts and other things for her).

After asking him multiple times whether they had had unprotected sex, he said No. Then I asked him to get straight now, and asked what she would say...as if to allude that I would ask her for the truth. He finally confessed he lied. He slept with the other woman unprotected, putting our baby at risk, and also confessed they were orally intimate after we agreed to wait until they both got tested and we had a chance to meet.

I have now kicked him out, and after his half-hearted, and lammmmme excuses, I've told him it's over, and he broke my trust way to many times.
I've communicated also with the girlfriend for the first time tonight, as he was making his way over there to stay, and expressed my concern for her as well that he hadn't been honest with her as well about everything.

Longest story short - I've learned a fucking hard lesson in listening to my intuition, not taking bullshit, only being with someone who is super fucking awesome, and kicking the muthafucka to the curb (pardon my language).

Also that women are resilient, amazing, and loving superheros, and I have so much respect for all of the mommas (and super dads) who find the self-respect to leave when they need to.
 
I am glad you are free of him and his shenanigans! I hope YOU tested ok and he didn't pass anything to you or developing baby with his careless sex practices. :mad:

Take your time to heal and continue to consider your options as pregnancy unfolds. Like whether or not to list him as father on the birth certificate. Here's one article. You can google others.

Hang in there as you continue to sort all this out.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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I am so sorry that it came to this, and that you were treated that way; but, I am very glad you've started a new chapter where you can heal yourself and prepare for the arrival of your baby with less asshattery and stress.

*hugs*
 
So sorry to hear that your (ex-)partner lied to you, and took advantage of you. I hope you and the baby are both okay (e.g. healthwise).
 
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