Redpepper's journey

RP,

I mostly wanted you to know how much you're writing/talking things out through your turmoil and successes has been appreciated and that, along with many others, your have our best thoughts and wishes for health and happiness.

LR's response in post #1766 in describing herself being like Mono: WOW!! Truly, thank you LR , it was really helpful to read, as it turns out I've been feeling very much the same way and trying to come to terms with all that!!

It must be hard to find Mono may only be mono to himself. Perhaps he fell in love with you and found you so attractive initially because you were never going to be full time? I'm not saying he's a bad guy; it seems like he was being honest to himself, even if not consciously, so it makes sense that you didn't realize that. Plus hot sex and connection are hot, right?

There have been times I've been very perplexed in your reactions (ala NYCindie) in reading the frustrations of your feelings with Mono no longer being mono, but now, with the latest postings, it's more clear why and how you felt as you did in reaction to Mono and others.

Yes, four years of NRE is amazing and disappointing to move past. (I wonder if it was so long-lasting because it wasn't a monogamous relationship?) And now that has changed. It's painful and hard and sucks!

So I would like to commend you for kind of going back to basics. Basics being that to be a good partner, "worthy" of another partner, we first have to love ourselves, be full enough of our own self-love and self-confidence in order to be a good, loving supportive partner to someone else.

After reading the last few pages of your blog there seems to be a good reason why monogamy may be so attractive for foreseeable future.

Start with ONE good, solid, strong relationship. If/when that one relationship is on very solid ground, then a couple can perhaps open up? Maybe that's the starting point you're looking for? Perhaps not...

I know I haven't posted much, but have been following and am very appreciative and supportive, even if I don't always get it or relate.

Through it all, wish you the best, health and happiness.
 
RP,

Mostly wanted you to know how much you're writing/talking things out through your turmoil and successes has been appreciated and that with many others your have our best thoughts and wishes for health and happiness.

LR's response in post #1766 in describing herself being like Mono: WOW!! (Truly thank you LR , it was really helpful to read as it turns out I've been feeling very much the same way and trying to come to terms with all that!!) It must be hard to find Mono may be only Mono to himself:/ Perhaps he fell in love with you and found you so attractive initially because you were never going to be full time. Not saying he's a bad guy; seems like he was being honest to himself even if not consciously so it makes sense that you didn't realize that. Plus hot sex & connection is hot, right?

There have been times I've been very perplexed in your reactions (ala NYCindie) in reading the frustrations of your feelings with Mono no longer being Mono but now with the latest postings it's more clear why and how you felt as you did in reaction to Mono and others.

Yes, Four years of NRE is amazing and disappointing to move past. (I wonder if so long lasting because it wasn't a monogamous relationship?) And now that that changed, its painful and hard and sucks!

So I would like to commend you for kind of going back to basics. Basics being that to be a good partner "worthy" of another partner we first have to love our self. Be full enough of our own self love and self confidence in order to be a good, loving supportive partner to someone else.

After reading the last few pages of your blog there seems to be a good reason why monogamy may be so attractive for foreseeable future.

Start with ONE GOOD, solid, strong relationship. If/when that one relationship is on very solid ground then a couple can perhaps open up? Maybe that's the starting point you're looking for?

Perhaps not... Know I haven't posted much but have been following and am very appreciative and supportive even if I don't always get it/relate.

Through it all wish you the best, health & happiness.
Thanks for this. Thanks to anyone who loves and cares for me enough to voice their opinions and thoughts about my life. Even if I don't always respond, I do read and take everything in. It's an honour to be written to here. I don't feel worthy, but it's appreciated and I am humbled by the honour of support, and words of wisdom.

I know sometimes I am confusing and inconsistent, but it's all me figuring it out and attempting not to lose what little left I have of the life I built around myself. It's confusing, frustrating and sometimes pisses people off that I can't just snap my brain into poly glee and be okay with everything going on around me, that I can't seem to pull myself together enough to trust others, support others, be at the right place at the right time, know all that goes on, even if I am not being told stuff, and do the right thing by everyone concerned.

A really good and long conversation last night shined some light on all that. I am grateful for the opinion and apologetic that I have hurt others in my attempts to do what I need to for my own life.

Yes, Delphinius, Mono has said over and over again that he fell in love with me partly because I wasn't available full time. I didn't realize it, fully. I thought perhaps after years it would change and he would eventually want to be with me and I with him. It hasn't changed, and in fact, he has become more sure that he does not want me as a full-time partner. He doesn't want to be available to me in that way.

I'm glad that I have become more clear as I write. Perhaps it's because the more time goes on, the more I figure little bits out for myself, the more solid I become in my own life, just for me and about me, the more the clouds in my head lift and light shines through. I don't think I am there yet, but I have progressed.

I don't know if my NRE with Mono lasted so long because of other relationships I had. I suspect that it did, in that I was reminded over and over again how important it is to me that I had one that was my rock and place to come home to. Mono has been my steadfast true heart home in all of this. I love and loved many others and they were also my heart home, including PN, but not in the same way.

I tried to manoeuvre myself into a position within my tribe that made me more comfortable, that reflected where I am at more and in doing so, at a moment when other things became evident (I thought that it was a good time to make changes amongst change already occurring, really I didn't think I could do it any other way), I created huge shifts, to the point where our tribe seems to be something entirely different. Am I even part of it at all? I don't know at this point, but I stick around anyway. Or maybe I just see it as that? I am not sure yet.

One good solid relationship. Yes. That is what I am attempting. I am attempting that with Mono right now. It might be the most foolish thing I have ever done, but I have to give it its due course and see where it takes us. I have to at least ask for that. If that doesn't work, if he really isn't interested, then I will attempt that with someone else. If someone else will have me in the state I am in. Right now, I know that in the midst of my pushing people away and pulling them closer at the same time, I am loved. It's the most vulnerable position to be in, when I know that I am not making anyone's life easier in my distress and lack of clarity.

I am wary that this journey will not be what I thought it would be, though. If that is the case, I will remain poly and date many people again, this time with a different attitude, one that reflects that I am looking for what I have with Mono. I can't deny that it's likely that there will be few that match up, if any. Perhaps I will never find it at all. I could very well end up alone and face the biggest fear of my life. Maybe that is my destiny and has been all along. To be alone. Other women do it, so can I.
 
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more than you know

One good solid relationship. Yes. That is what I am attempting. I am attempting that with Mono right now. It might be the most foolish thing I have ever done but I have to give it its due course and see where it takes us. I have to at least ask for that. If that doesn't work, if he really isn't interested, then I will attempt that with someone else. If someone else will have me in the state I am in. Right now, I know that in the midst of my pushing people away and pulling them closer at the same time, I am loved. Its the most vulnerable position to be in when I know that I am not making anyone's life easier in my distress and lack of clarity.

I am weary that this journey will not be what I thought it would be though and if that is the case then I will remain poly and date many people again. This time with a different attitude. One that reflects that I am looking for what I have with Mono. I can't deny that its likely that there will be few that match up, if any. Perhaps I will never find it at all. I could very well end up alone and face the biggest fear of my life. Maybe that is my destiny and has been all along. To be alone. Other women do it, so can I.

I would imagine, RP, that you're similar to me, that in talking out loud or writing, in the case of your blog, helps you to think things though and get things in perspective. It's great that you created this blog to help you work things out and store previous thoughts & challenges. It really doesn't matter if anyone else gets it or is upset by it. They are your thoughts and it's your blog.

I wish you the best of having that one solid relationship with Mono, maybe even if he's still practicing poly. He's on his journey, as we are, and no one really knows where it will all lead.

My situation isn't yet ideal, sometimes very day-to-day and my new 'life' has made me slow down and REALLY enjoy the good & special moments (or hours, if we're lucky;)).

I also get not wanting to be alone. When I told my ex-BFF (stupid hypocritical bitch ditching me supposedly in judgment, but actually out of jealousy--ooh sorry, I digress), she said she was afraid I'd lose both men in my life, and for the first time EVER I could envision being alone and being comfortable with it. I don't want to be. I enjoy coming home and talking about the day. But when she said that, I had this strong feeling that I'll never be really alone. I have my kids, two more now (six total) from the new relationship. I have my extended family. Fewer friends currently, but may have more later.

And I like feeling sexy. Before I was married it seemed like guys liked that too, so I'm optimistic about finding someone else if/when wanted.

It turns out the silence is OK!

Music, supermoons, sunrises, the beautiful mountains, the lakes and the oceans... Those big pictures that remind us we're small and special. You'll find beauty and it will help fill you.

You care, RP. It's probably why people have always been drawn to you. Be strong and be kind to yourself; you're more amazing than you currently believe. You haven't done anything so horrible to not make you deserving of every happiness, kindness and enjoyment this life has to offer you.

I've lost some wonderful people who were waaaay too young to leave this world. It's made me bolder, and a little more selfish. I don't want to hurt anyone getting or experiencing more things in this life. However, I'm also (mostly) done with feeling guilty for pursuing what I want, as long as I'm living up to my obligations and responsibilities.

Wishing you more of those lovely peaceful moments when you feel life is good, when there's some harmony & balance. Of course they're all fleeting. This is the 21st century after all; everything today is fleeting!

My two cents,
Delph
 
I'll always love ya beautiful. Just a fact. I've gone back and read a great deal about what you've been going through, and know what it is to feel as you do.

Trust. It's all about that one simple word. It exists or it doesn't. My ideal poly relationship is ti always have that one person I can come home to, who will love me, support me and look after me when I'm in need of such a thing.

Trust. You have it or you don't. If you don't, well then you really don't have anything at all.

Just my opinion, but you know my story.

Be well, Be loved, Clay
 
I'll always love ya beautiful. Just a fact. I've gone back and read a great deal about what you've been going through, and know what it is to feel as you do.

Trust. It's all about that one simple word. It exists or it doesn't. My ideal poly relationship is ti always have that one person I can come home to, who will love me, support me and look after me when I'm in need of such a thing.

Trust. You have it or you don't. If you don't, well then you really don't have anything at all.

Just my opinion, but you know my story.

Be well, Be loved, Clay
A very good point Freetime. Agreed. :)

Good chatting with you the other week, btw. Looking forward to seeing you soon!

I am doing okay and life is moving along in various directions, some of which I feel I can't post about publicly, or don't feel I am ready to post about in any detail.

Apparently the woman Mono was seeing is no longer. They agreed to end any hope of being more than coffee buddies. At least for now. Something about her not being up for it, me not being up for it. Who knows? I suspect it just wasn't worth it. Mono says he still cares for her but that really it was never about her and more about the idea of having someone else in his life; trying that out.

I had a great weekend away with Mono that included some very emotional times together and some more processing of information and confirmation of what I want and where I am, as a result. There were more questions I put to Mono about what he will do as a result of information he gave me and his situation. Nothing has been set in terms of a path to follow for him and therefore for me and us.

It's all still very much up in the air. I continue to work on myself most of all. I am in need of the work. My "me" relationship is in need of the work and I have tons of time while nothing else is resolved or being processed with any speed. One thing is for sure though, I am happier and feeling much more on top of my game. That's something. :)
 
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I've been thinking about needs and wants. I feel I shouldn't need people, but simply want to be with them. This has been my work of late: how to manage to fulfill my own needs first, to see if its possible, or if I can, then looking at what I want to do after that.

I'm enjoying the separateness in this process. Surprisingly, it's lifted my belief that I had obligations to others, which led me to be in the thick of a lot of other people's stuff. It felt like cabin fever. Now I feel as if I can be around, yet can chose to walk out the door to do my own thing when it's best for me.
 
What I really need to focus on is putting my eggs in one basket. I feel as if I am doing that with Mono still. I am struggling to focus on myself, rather than him. If I can focus on me then it works to focus on us, rather than just him.

Life at home is really great right now. PN and I are getting on really well and enjoying our routines and time together. He and I are such a great team. We do so well together. We have some great plans for home renovations. I feel as if we can sustain what we have, all of us, together, for quite some time.

I was inspired this morning when I read about a couple who stayed in their house raising their kids for years, all while having their own relationships outside of that. The kids grew and moved on and the two parents are fast friends and talk and spend time together every day. They made it work for the long haul. I intend to do that too. It makes me happy to know that PN and I are on the same page.

Pulling away, yet staying in touch with Derby and Brad and their families has proved both difficult and not, at the same time. It will take time to unfold a new reality, I think. I have lots of feelings of regret, feelings of sadness and compersion for them. I am happy that they have each other and that things are ticking along, but it still makes me sad that I was unable to sustain the dynamic I had with them within that.

I have no regrets, but I wish I were a bigger person with more capabilities. I feel as if I failed them and myself, and everyone around us, but realize that I learned a lot about my capacity to take on many relationships at once and that I needed to learn that. I think it's possible they have moved on and aren't hurt as much by my actions by now. That, at least, makes me feel somewhat happy.

I haven't said anything within our local community and have backed away from most things by now. I don't keep in touch with many people and am starting to make new friends. At some point I intend to reach out to people I know and tell them what is going on for me. But for now, I am still processing and finding my feet. I still host a local get-together and will host the women's group. I think, come the fall.

I left the telling of what's been going on to others and trust that if someone wants to talk to me about it and find out details I can't and won't give here, they will. True friends and people who love and care for me reveal themselves in time. I am confident that all that needs to be revealed will.

I don't in any way believe that I am made out to be a good guy in all this. I don't expect that people will be kind and gentle with me all the time. I don't expect that assumptions won't be made based on someone's fabrication in their mind of who they think I am either. It's so easy to take a story and twist it to tarnish a person's name and character publicly, based on little bits of info and personal takes on who I am. I have experienced this first hand over and over again in my life, and while I do take my turn at venting to others, I like to think that that stops in the public domain. Sadly, it doesn't for others, and I am sure there is, and will be, times when I will not be welcome to be with others due to rumours going around. I can only hope that those that know me will defend me, or at the very least, find out from me what is going on by asking with a loving and empathetic heart. This blog is NOT the whole story, nor will it ever be. I'm not a fool. This is public. I say as much as I can, but not all.

I have a friend at work that has been a rock to me. Well, several actually. They have helped me so much by listening to all the details I can lavish from my mind. I have sorted so much out this way and I am very grateful. I offer the same to them. I am grateful for these true friendships. Everyone needs a safe space to work on stuff and I have surprisingly found it at work. Who knew a bunch of monogamous women would be so up on poly by now that they can listen, question, support and respect that I am not like them? I love them dearly, especially my one friend. I really admire people that can step out of their reality and personal take on life long enough to love and respect someone completely different from them. I guess that is why we are all so good at looking after people with severe mental and physical disabilities. It kind of comes with the territory.
 
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This was the first Pride day I have missed in years. It just didn't seem to be in the cards, and I didn't feel like creating it to be so. LB went to his friend's house all day. Mono and I went for a ride all day. Only PN went for a while. I can't say I missed it, actually. I love Pride day usually, but for some reason the thought of crowds and socializing just didn't seem appealing. I'm sure next year I'll be back at it.

I think that this bike trip planned for next month is going to be a big thing for me. I am sitting here after a one-day ride and realizing that this feeling is going to be ten days long. Tired, happy, excited, slightly wind-burnt and content. My mind is empty from hours of letting my mind go. Wandering around my brain for so long actually got me to the end of thinking! Who knew! No over-thinking in this moment. Amazing what giving myself time does.

Mono and I made an extensive music list yesterday and tried out listening to music on the bike today. We were rocking it out on the highway to music we love and enjoying ourselves. We have a little routine around it now, where he can communicate to me while we ride. All our little systems are working out and to someone who loves systems, this makes me very happy.

Living each day at a time and in each moment. This has been a moment brought to you my RP. ;)
 
Just back from poly camp. I tried to write at one point, but lost the message. It said something along the lines of having a great time. :)

PN and Mono weren't too keen on going, but LB was, so I encouraged them to rise to the occasion of doing something as a family. They agreed and had a good time in the end. It's important to do things as a family while LB is still young, as soon enough he won't want to go anywhere with us. I am hoping I can keep the two men at it for a few more years yet, but I think I might have to change it up from poly camp or something in order to do so. Next up is another camp in August in the States.

Its early days yet, but things in life are settling. I decided to throw caution to the wind and just trust. I thought it might be helpful to express the love I feel for Mono with hugs and kisses and words that express my love, also. Sometimes I am scared, but I push through. Why not give it my all and see what happens? He really does have all of me. That is some force, it turns out. That is a lot of attention on one man. Who knows what will come of that?

It was great to spend time with Derby and Brad's family(s). I had missed their kids and spouses and so had LB. I can't speak for Mono and PN, but I think they did too. Mono is good friends with Brad and it made me happy that they connected a bit. I was glad to not think and just be this weekend. Likely I will process the weekend, as is natural for me, but for now I am happily tired and my heart is filled with sunshine. :)
 
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You are starting to sound more yourself. I am glad. I was worried about you, enough to write to the guys and ask them to please please keep a close eye on you!

I love when you write about your excursions with LB. You are right, only a few years left.

Sweet Pea has started branching out this summer, preferring friend time over family time. Today he declined going kayaking with me to go to the park with friends. It was a tiny moment of minor discomfort to him saying so. It was a bit more painful for me. I went grocery shopping instead (lame replacement).

Maybe some will judge you harshly. I, myself, am proud of your efforts. You have grown so much in understanding yourself since we first met! It is inspiring. I don't know what changes are being created in your life, but I look forward to each new chapter!
 
Lots of good stuff these days, mixed with moments of total anxiety and fear. I've chosen to investigate these moments as being a sign that I need to dive into my self stuff and swim around until I find my feet again. Today I felt profoundly lonely. I suppose that might be why I am posting. Sitting in that and wondering why. Trying to find the space in my heart that says I am not lonely, I am having me time. I am not alone. I am loved and people aren't leaving me, just doing other things. It's hard to do when sometimes there is so much silence compared to before. Its good that there is. I chose that, but I misread it sometimes.

Poly lessons: don't chose partners with the same love language. I'm realizing that "quality time" cannot be met with four partners, by me, anyway. Total fail on that one for me. It just didn't work. That and partners to friendship break-ups means you lose your heart family. I hadn't reckoned on that. Part of the learning. I have been replaced and need to find more heart family, I think. It just is what it is, I guess.

Other than that, I am excellent at monogamy. I am giving all that I have in hopes of a healthy relationship. Fingers crossed. What happens after that I don't know. I suspect there is much more to come.
 
"Monogamy?" You're focused on Mono (the person) now and PN is just roommate/family/brother status?

Where are all your guys? Mono, PN and the kid?

I felt you were overly polysaturated, but it's sad that Derby and Brad had to be hurt by those breakups.

Sometimes "me time" can stretch on a bit long and feel like loneliness, or boredom, but your peeps will be back! Take a bubble bath, get some retail therapy, jill off! Cook yourself a nice meal, watch a good movie or read some quality fiction.

Anyway, that's what I do.
 
"Monogamy?" You're focused on Mono (the person) now and PN is just roommate/family/brother status?

Where are all your guys? Mono, PN and the kid?

I felt you were overly polysaturated, but it's sad that Derby and Brad had to be hurt in the breakup.

Sometimes "me time" can stretch on a bit long and feel like loneliness, or boredom, but your peeps will be back! Take a bubble bath, get some retail therapy, jill off! Cook yourself a nice meal, watch a good movie or read some quality fiction.

Anyway, that's what I do.

Eh, a person will never be happy in a relationship if they are unhappy with their own self. Monogamy or not, redpepper will feel lonely because she IS lonely. She looks to other people to fill the empty spaces she has in her soul. She doesn't want to seek therapy for it (last I remember, but I don't read this thread religiously), but posts it all on a public message board because it feels good to know people are paying attention.

Attention, attention, attention, that's what it's all about. Redpepper doesn't want to fix the real problem because it's so rewarding all the attention she gets from the symptoms, sort of like Munchausen's syndrome by relationship proxy.
 
Either that or certain poly families/communities

have it written in their beliefs systems that understanding you are not special or unique and do not deserve any other family or community affirmed notions other than each individual is average, mediocre, nothing to write home about at best.

However, there is nothing wrong with believing you are unique, special, or that someone would desire your company over others, so long as you treat others with love, honesty, and mutual respect, because for the same reason that each individual is special and chosen over another, for the same reason one person prefers you, another person prefers to not chose to be around you.

For some reason, there are groups that seem to practice a lowest-common-denominator-type view of the self, instead of celebrating uniqueness and understanding that it is OK to desire to be important to others, and to also realize how damaging it is to attempt to make others feel less important and call that love.

Some groups that require conformity place value on or consider it necessary to break a person's spirit so that they fit into a group, when all that ultimately does is not allow more freedom, but effectively give another more control
 
"Monogamy?" You're focused on Mono (the person) now and PN is just roommate/family/brother status?

Where are all your guys? Mono, PN and the kid?

I felt you were overly polysaturated, but it's sad that Derby and Brad had to be hurt in those breakups.

Sometimes "me time" can stretch on a bit long and feel like loneliness, or boredom, but your peeps will be back! Take a bubble bath, get some retail therapy, jill off! Cook yourself a nice meal, watch a good movie or read some quality fiction.

Anyway, that's what I do.
I'm focused on me now. Being my own primary. Mono and I are together. PN and I aren't, in the romantic sense. We all live together still and have no plans for leaving our house or changing what we have at the moment. I am not identifying as mono or poly. It's way too early for that, and besides, it never served me well to "identify." I only up and change it again at some point. No boxes, no definitions, no labels. Just going through this and seeing where I end up at the moment.

Yes, it is sad that Derby and Brad got hurt, but it was harder to hold onto the relationships I had with them than it was to keep dating them and trying to steer away from the work I am doing on myself now. I am sorry if I hurt them, but really, they seem to be better off. They found each other, after all.

Derby and Brad are still in my life and I care about them greatly. But the time I have now is for me and it's important to me that I keep on this path. It's way beyond bubble baths and retail therapy. As much as it would be awesome if it would all clear up over that. :p Thanks for the tips though, all part of it. I can't afford therapy, so its important to balance self-care with self-work. I am doing fine with this process so far, for the most part. :)
Eh, a person will never be happy in a relationship if they are unhappy with their own self. Monogamy or not, Redpepper will feel lonely because she IS lonely. She looks to other people to fill the empty spaces she has in her soul. Doesn't want to seek therapy for it (last I remember, but I don't read this thread religiously),
This is correct. Although I can't afford therapy and besides, I don't think I need it as much as it might appear. Working through the emotions in segments is working well. Much like people work through jealousy, I have broken it down into sections and am looking at each piece on my own, so far. I don't know where that will lead.

If it feels right to get extra help, I will find some money. I did this fall and am still benefiting from what I learned. I don't think the benefits have been completely run through yet. I don't find this any more work than dealing with four relationships and a full-on poly life. It's actually less work because I can go at my own pace and not be sideswiped by things that come up.
but posts it all on a public message board because it feels good to know people are paying attention.

Attention, attention, attention, that's what it's all about. Redpepper doesn't want to fix the real problem because it's so rewarding all the attention she gets from the symptoms, sort of like Munchausen's syndrome by relationship proxy.
Do you say this to everyone who writes a blog here? Are you in my personal life keeping tabs of everything I do in order to know this information? Have you discussed at great length with those close to me or with me, myself, in order to know what is going on for me beyond here on this forum? You know what? Don't answer that. Don't ever write or read this blog again. I don't want your input and opinion, as it doesn't come from a place of compassion or love. Good-bye Boring Guy.
have it written in their beliefs systems that understanding you are not special or unique and do not deserve any other family or community affirmed notions other than each individual is average, mediocre, nothing to write home about at best.

However there is nothing wrong with believing your are unique, special, or that someone would desire your company over others so long as you treat others with love, honesty, and a mutual respect because for the same reason that each individual is special and chosen over another, for the same reason one person prefers you, another person prefers to not chose to be around you.

For some reason their are groups that seem to practice a lowest common denominator type view of the self, instead of celebrating uniqueness and understanding that it is OK to desire to be important to others. But to also realize how damaging it is to attempt to make others feel less important and call that love.

some groups that require conformity place value on or consider it necessary to break a person's spirit so that they fit into a group, when all that ultimately does is not allow more freedom, but effectively give another more control
Thank you for the reminder of the underlined. I'm not sure I understand what you are saying here. Could you say a bit more please? :) thanks.
 
Doesn't Canadian National Health cover behavioral therapy? We have state health coverage in Massachusetts, called MassHealth. My daughter and Pixi are both on it, and get all the therapy they need. Pixi has been going weekly for almost five years, in fact. I thought Canadian coverage would be at least as good.
 
Doesn't Canadian National Health cover behavioral therapy? We have state health coverage in Mass... I thought Canadian coverage would be at least as good.

Nope. It's not covered and is usually around $100 a session. If it were cheap or free, I would go. Cheap therapy is not much less a lot of the time. The woman I saw in the fall is poly and her fee was over $100. She is the only one in town and besides, as a poly person, one of the only ones I would make myself that vulnerable to (small community here) Ha! Surprise, I can actually be more vulnerable than what I write here.
 
It's not covered and is ususually around $100 a session.

That's about what they charge here in the LA area too. Although, it can range from anywhere between $75 - $300+/hr. Many here do sliding scales based on income. My insurance doesn't cover it either, or it didn't (new policy as of July 1 and I'm not familiar with what they cover yet).
 
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