</3 Triad relationship breaking...

TroubledWater

New member
New to the forum....greetings and all that!

I found this site and thought some people here might be able to grant some advice on a poly relationship that's become problematic. Im normally not the type to seek advice...I feel in control of my life most of the time. But I don't see a way around, over, or through this problem, and I thought an outside perspective might help.

I've been with two wonderful, beautiful women for a little over a year now. One of them I was with for a number of years prior to the formation of the triangle. The other was an old friend I'd had feelings for over the years, and who, after all these years, I finally fell in love with. The last year has been idyllic. Everything I could ever have wanted, much of which I never realized previously that I had wanted, I have experienced. I feel love so profound for my girls that it tears me apart at times simply trying to express something that words or actions never could.

When it began, it was my long-time partner who encouraged me to pursue it. I told her everything...how I felt, when we first kissed...and every step along the way, she spoke to me as excitedly as if we were high school girl friends gossiping. With her holding my hand, I entered into a romantic, and then a sexual relationship with my new girl. The two of them were shy about each other for about the first six weeks, and then we had our first night together as a triad. After that we were all very close. We took trips together, we shared a bed when my new girl was with us, we would stay up as late as college kids just talking.

Our new girl had a kid, and after a tough divorce, she was down on her luck financially. Our house had room, so we took her and her daughter in. We have a three bedroom -- one bedroom is ours, one was an office, and one was basically storage. We both got laptops and hardly ever used the office anymore, so we just cleared out the storage room and the office and made a bedroom for each of them. My first girl was overjoyed. She loved our girlfriend's daughter and was pleased to get them out of their one bedroom rat trap across town and into a nicer place. We got the little girl into her new school, got them set up in town.

Then something changed. I still have no idea what, and can't even imagine. But one day my long-time partner comes home and seems very distant. She goes up to our bedroom and I don't hear from her for a while. I go up and find her crying. Attempting to comfort her leads to a four hour, very emotional conversation in which she essentially breaks up with us. All she can tell us are vague, break-up things...I'm not happy, we seem to want different things, I don't want to be here anymore...nothing really specific. Nothing about WHY she isn't happy, or WHAT she wants that's so different. She goes so far as to say she doesn't love me anymore, though she's since recanted (and restated, back and forth). She's still with me (not so much US anymore), and things will start to seem better, but then they will fall apart again. We will get along well, all three of us will go out somewhere, hold hands, smile, have fun, and then two days later I'm crying in my new girl's arms again because my other has once again gotten stressed and spent an hour explaining that she doesn't want to be here anymore. It's such a roller coaster and I have no idea what will happen.

But one thing has started to become clear: She regrets the formation of our new relationship with our new girl. She has questioned it, though she hasn't said that outright, but it is becoming more obvious to me all the time. She wishes she hadn't let me fall in love with this girl, wishes she hadn't invited her into our home, wishes she hadn't gotten involved with her herself. So now it seems clear what is going to happen, and I have no idea what to do.

I'm going to end up having to choose.

I don't think either of them will say "you must choose between us." But my first girl, the one with whom I have shared my life for eight years, is going to leave. Despite my eternal optimism, I feel this deep down. She will leave us...leave me. Though I may be able to stop it by forsaking my new love. It's not certain, of course; she could still leave. And any problems we had before would still exist...and she would have to deal with me pining for my other love, which would bother her, and could drive her away again. There are also things I want that such a decision would render impossible. With this new girl I've started to discover myself sexually, and have found that I have very strong desires -- needs even -- that my old love simply will not fulfill. I think I make a great case for my new love, but there's one thing that spoils the ease of the decision: I love this girl, with whom I have shared so many years, so much it hurts. I am attached to her on the deepest level. She is part of me. I could no more live without her than without a vital organ. I love her so deeply. Life without her seems cold and bleak. With my new girl I would be happy, sexually satisfied, and I would get the pleasure of exploration and adventure both sexually and romantically that I've never had the opportunity to experience. And I would get them as long as I want. Other things I want, like children, well...I could still have those things with her. But she's still new, and we have our problems, too. It's not perfect. And I would miss my first girl forever, I know that. It also feels like if I chose her, and her more exciting nature, her more sexual nature, her more adventurous spirit, that I would be choosing THAT over the powerful feelings I have for the first girl. In a base sense, it feels like choosing SEX over LOVE. This is not true, really, because the new girl (representing sex) I am also in love with. But as I said, it's still only a year old and I have no where near the depth of feeling for her that I do for my other love.

One more thing to share here. My first girl has said repeatedly that she wants to move out, but does not want to leave me. She seems to feel that being separated, and having some independence, will make her feel better. I could live with this, though I feel like I'd be rather unhappy with it. The problem is we cannot afford to set her up elsewhere. We share a house together, and we do well, but she works part time (sorta...she's "full time" at 32.5 hours) and does not pull in a large income. She couldn't hope to support herself. Maybe with a little more income, I could afford to help her, but it would break my heart to work hard so that I can make myself more depressed.

So, there's my very long-winded story. I greatly thank those of you who stuck with it, and implore you for some sort of advice, sentiment, even a little pat on the back for some kind of encouragement. Can I salvage this somehow? Must I choose? Should I let my long-time love choose for me? Has anyone ever left someone after that long, still so deeply in love with them? If so, how do you live with it? I can't breath just thinking about being without her. Would I be a complete monster to send her away after so much time? Would I be a complete monster to send away my lover and her daughter, who is quickly becoming a daughter to me, too? Would my first lover be a complete monster for WANTING that, if indeed she does?

Thanks....
 
But one day my long-time partner comes home and seems very distant. She goes up to our bedroom and I don't hear from her for a while. I go up and find her crying.

This is the big red flag for me. Issues this big don't just appear overnight. It is more likely that things have been unbearable for a while and she hit her breaking point. There were probably a million signs that were ignored or overlooked. Adding another adult and a child is a lot of stress. You two need to seriously sit down and talk, when she is calm, and find out what the real problem is. It would be good to hear her side of the story.
 
I recognize, of course, that this was a red flag. And we have spoken on the topic many times at great length (with a few days of downtime in between once in a while, as it is very emotionally taxing). She does say that she has been unhappy for a long time, which is hard to believe, given how happy she used to seem. I know her very well, and when she's lying, I know it. When she was smiling and laughing and dancing on the table for us, this wasn't an act. Maybe she was trying to push the pain aside, but like I say, I know her...she's just not THAT good at it.

I understand that the addition of the extra people is a huge stress. It has been for me, too. But I love our girl and her daughter, and so does she. And it was, like so much of this, her idea in the first place! She was the one who was crying in my arms saying we should help them, give them a better place to live. There's nothing wrong with regretting a decision, but then, they haven't been that stressful. It's not like her daughter is just running around breaking things and drawing on the walls. She's an energetic kid, but a good girl. Their presence itself might be what causes the tension, but I just don't know. And if we talk about it and she doesn't TELL me that, all I can do is guess at it.

She speaks in such abstract and vague terms. She always has. It's never as simple as "the stress of adding these two people to our household has pushed me to the breaking point." It's always "I want to go somewhere else...I don't feel right here, I was things elsewhere" without a WHY she doesn't feel right, or WHAT she wants, or WHERE she wants to go. And it changes, too...today she wants to move out, tomorrow she wants all of us to move to a new place together...next week, who knows?
 
It's never as simple as "the stress of adding these two people to our household has pushed me to the breaking point."

Of course it's not. She has probably been dropping vauge hints all a long that there are issues and no one has picked up on them, so in her mind she is being ignored. It is easy to forget that small sarcastic remarks, curt replies, etc don't always get picked up by the other person's radar, nor do they carry the same weight to a person without the same emotional turmoil behind it.

It could be that the ladies are not compatible living together, she is feeling neglected, she just needs more alone time, it could be anything. Only she can tell you, but it will take work on both your parts to get to the heart of the problem. When you are talking and she is trying to tell you something, repeat back to her what you heard her say. There may very well be a gap in the translation that neither of you recognize.
 
That actually sounds like decent advice. Thanksgiving is in two days. We'll be going to spend it with my family as usual, while our girl and her daughter will be with their family. We will have several days together, most of which will be spent out of the presence of the other two. I think it might be good to take advantage of those days to get some quality "alone time" with her. Would dramatic, romantic gestures be too much? Take her to the city where we met, eat at our old favorite restaurant, things like that?
 
Would dramatic, romantic gestures be too much? Take her to the city where we met, eat at our old favorite restaurant, things like that?

Probably a good idea, but you know your wife does she like those things. If anything, it would show her that you are thinking about her.

No cell phone when out with your wife! Nothing more annoying than being on a date and have your partner start ignoring you to exchange texts someone else. Arrange specific times of day to talk/text with your other girl.
 
No cell phone when out with your wife! Nothing more annoying than being on a date and have your partner start ignoring you to exchange texts someone else. Arrange specific times of day to talk/text with your other girl.


WORD!

I HATE when DH texts with his online babes when he's out with me!
 
Would dramatic, romantic gestures be too much? Take her to the city where we met, eat at our old favorite restaurant, things like that?

I can't imagine where any of these things would be too much. Most if not all women are going to appreciate you taking that much time and putting that much thought into doing something special for her.

I'm sorry that things are rough right now, but that doesn't mean it's the end. COMPLETELY OPEN and honest communication is a key so make sure you keep having those talks. However, and this part sucks, sometimes people just don't end up together. Much like you I can't imagine not having my girls around, but I also know that sometimes things happen and people change.

I wish you the best of luck.
 
Probably a good idea, but you know your wife does she like those things. If anything, it would show her that you are thinking about her.

No cell phone when out with your wife! Nothing more annoying than being on a date and have your partner start ignoring you to exchange texts someone else. Arrange specific times of day to talk/text with your other girl.

WORD!

I HATE when DH texts with his online babes when he's out with me!
YES YES YES YES...
I freaking HATE that.

All for keeping in touch-but appropriate time and place is not on a date.

In regards to your situation-I'm SO right where you are at the moment-except my husband has already moved into a motorhome at his bosses office in order to be out of here. :(

I wish you the best of luck!!
 
Did your first love recently come out to someone with an opinion she highly invests in?

The whole coming home and going upstairs to cry added to the complete 180 and not being able to express what she would like to be different or how she came to these feelings yet being able to still lose herself in the moment at times.....

It just sounds like someone very close to her got in her ear with their own judgments over the triad relationship you were all having. Someone very influential to her.
 
Can I salvage this somehow? Must I choose? Should I let my long-time love choose for me? Has anyone ever left someone after that long, still so deeply in love with them? If so, how do you live with it? I can't breath just thinking about being without her. Would I be a complete monster to send her away after so much time? Would I be a complete monster to send away my lover and her daughter, who is quickly becoming a daughter to me, too? Would my first lover be a complete monster for WANTING that, if indeed she does?
I don't know what others have written, so excuse me if there are repeats. Perhaps I will go back and read afterwards...

I had to end my relationship with my long time love when the triad between her and my now husband ended... I decided to not be with either, but eventually married my husband. She is still a large part of our life and I still love her. She is not poly and does not understand why I want to and am able to live the way I do, but she loves me and respects me and accepts the way things are, so we carry on.

In my opinion this relationship of yours went far too fast. NRE lasts a year or more for deep, loving, connected relationships and you were still in your NRE it seems when your girlfriend moved in. Not only that but you rescued her from her financial issues and created a dynamic that was possibly threatening to your first girlfriend. Even if that was not realized at the beginning, I would wonder if it was a niggling little feeling that just got bigger for her. Eventually taking over her thoughts on your arrangement.

It's still salvageable I think. Possibly with a lot of work and getting at the bottom of everyones needs and fears... this is a jealousy issue it seems, that is okay, but needs to be addressed and confronted by all of you. It's a monster in your space and needs to be kicked out the door once you've found what it wants.
 
Having read further I wouldn't change what I have written; too fast/confident in results, niggling feeling got bigger and now has become jealousy... all what I said before. I like that you are going to spend some quality time with your first love this weekend. I hope that helps... maybe you will get some talking in about boundaries so that she has quality time with you more often.

I think I would ask her what it is that she is not getting out of your arrangement and then attempt to create some boundaries between all of you so as to better address the issues she has and perhaps what comes up for the other two of you... you never know what a deep discussion will bring up.

All this is part of a more mature relationship dynamic in that you are all settling in a bit more after the NRE is wearing off. Good luck.
 
Did your first love recently come out to someone with an opinion she highly invests in?

The whole coming home and going upstairs to cry added to the complete 180 and not being able to express what she would like to be different or how she came to these feelings yet being able to still lose herself in the moment at times.....

It just sounds like someone very close to her got in her ear with their own judgments over the triad relationship you were all having. Someone very influential to her.

This is what I think too. I can't see how a triad that has gone for a while and is "great" can break up easily unless there is some "influence" brought in from somewhere. It can happen suddenly, but it is usually very obvious. The other thing to consider is one year isn't really much time to wrap your head around every triad concept.

Of course who knows how the OP really sees the situation, whenever anyone has a problem it's rare they can see all the mistakes they have made to contribute to it. Triads are like normal relationships but on steroids, unless you're a master at relationships or have people that are very forgiving in them most won't last too long anyhow. Most mono relationships don't last long either. "Long" is subjective though, maybe 3 months is long to some.
 
I can certainly feel for you in this situation since I am very much in a similar situation, I recently about 5 weeks ago meet a wonderful guy that aproached me in that he wanted to persue a casual relaionship, but then we started to notice that the more we meet up and hung out with each other the deeper we got attached to each other.
Since the agreement that he had with girlfriend was that he could find play mates but not become romantically involved with them we both became concerned that we might be hurting her in the process of all this.

now when it really got odd was that he decided to tell her what was going on between him and I, and he talked with her about this I think over an entire weekend.
and then contacts me asking if I wanted to try and become a second girlfriend to him and his current one. Which kind of took me aback because I did not expect things between him and I to begin going in this direction. I honestly did not know where things were going before that either, I just knew that both him and I made each other happy.

and he had a lot of things happen to us that we were not really happy about at that point in our lives. But I was open to the idea of persuing a poly relationship and tried to spend time with both him and his gf.

there were a few times that because of texting each other back in forth we had mis communications about things but I tried to make it up to her by being nice and understanding about it and also giving her gifts.
because a lot of times in relationships I do that kind of thing to try to make a person feel good.
It was something that my prvious relationships did for me and I found enjoyable and generious on their parts to treat me as such.

I just kept finding that any time I tried to speak with her that my words would get turned around and changed to what she seemed to want to hear. and I would just be completly ignored.

I believe that was due to the fact that she was and still is scared that she is being replaced by me, and that I am trying take over her life.....

but really from what I have heard him say it seems they have both had issues with each other for quite some time now and the only reason he is still involved with her because she is pregnant with a child on the way and they have an 18 month old now.

I do realize not all the blame is on her this was my first time in a "real" poly relationship and I am sure that I could have done thing a lot better but I really did try to do the best I could I tried to be fair to the both of them tried to be honest and kind to them both but.....it just seemed that I could not do anything to make this situation turn good.

and even though i tried with all my might to be as kind and understanding about the situation as I could, that is being totally ignored by the gf and she is now calling the shoots as to if the bf can use the phone or even talk to me at all.

It felt wonderful and amazing to meet this man that made genuinely happy and I will admit that there many times I was happy with all three of them....but it just did not seem to be constant one day it would be one thing and the other it would be total chaos and drama.

All I truly wish right now is that I could speak with the bf himself and just hear his take on the situation, because so far it has only been the gf telling me how he feels......and not be mean but I don't really turst her in that all she is saying is really how he feels. If I could hear from him that he really wants this to stop and to end I would be more then happy to let things just be that way. but hearing it second hand makes me have doubts.

I think the best course of action is to leave it alone let it breath and see if someone wants to come forward and talk about it later, if he really is in love with me like he claims he was then he should at least care about me enough to try and discuss how he feels.
I just saw him yesterday and in no way did he make it seem like he wanted to end things like she is claiming he does.
my apologies for ranting just fairly tired and upset from all this, it all got dumped on me literally today.
before anyone replies back to this yes I realize very much so there lots of warning signs I should have been watching out for with this situation.....and I hope I can move on from this and learn from it.
 
I agree with what others said about NRE, new relationship energy, being the culprit here. Your primary had her own dose of it, and now it's worn off and her jealousy has finally kicked in. Jealousy can be dealt with tho, it's very difficult at first, but gets better.

But I want to address this aspect which hasnt been talked about yet:


With this new girl I've started to discover myself sexually, and have found that I have very strong desires -- needs even -- that my old love simply will not fulfill. ...With my new girl I would be happy, sexually satisfied, and I would get the pleasure of exploration and adventure both sexually and romantically that I've never had the opportunity to experience.... It also feels like if I chose her, and her more exciting nature, her more sexual nature, her more adventurous spirit, that I would be choosing THAT over the powerful feelings I have for the first girl.
.

So, you're discreet about the details here, but I'd place a bet this is part of the problem. Since you and both your "girls" (can we at least have initials here to differentiate and humanize them?) have had 3way sex, your primary mustve witnessed the more adventurous (kinky?) stuff you and the new girl have done. Maybe this is a rather big part of her new insecurity as well.
 
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