How to handle snide remarks from meta?

Hi All,

Well I need your advice again. Things have been going well for my SO and I. I have learned to recognize when his wife/my metamour's behaviour gets to be too much for me, that I just stay away and ask him to come to my place, which he happily does.
If you read my previous posts, I think you'll see I've definitely improved, becoming more mature in how I handle my own jealousy and insecurities where she's concerned. I don't spend as much time there and things have been good.

This past weekend, I had been feeling quite ill and rather than cancel our regular plans of getting together, we went ahead and spent the weekend together, at his house.

He rarely gets the opportunity to 'take care of me' so he seemed quite happy to make me some soup, cover me with a blanket on the couch...all very loving things to help me feel better. And all the while, in the back ground, his wife would be saying comments like" wow, you don't move that fast when I'm sick" (which is a lie, he busts his ass for her daily, showing his love for her in very physical ways, ever. single. day.) then respond to his comment with " I know hon, I'm just teasing..." this went on all weekend. I didn't engage or comment or even react. But I was steaming inside.
He treats her like a queen, seriously, he really does.
And I was thinking about it this evening, when I was home, and wonder if she's jealous? Why else would she say those things? To make him feel guilty?
I'm not sure how to handle when she does this, which is quite often, she says a snide remark and then follow up with 'just kidding' or 'just teasing' and laugh.

I'd appreciate your input

Thanks
 
Maybe it was uncomfortable for her to see her husband waiting on someone else in her home.

I think sometimes "secondary" partners can confuse someone taking care of their responsibilities with "busting their ass FOR their partner". I've heard someone complain because a spouse asked that they spend more time together as a couple and not co-parents. Secondary saw his time with his kids as time with his wife so didn't want him to spend more time away from her.
 
Why couldn't he have come to your place to care for you while you were sick?
 
Why couldn't he have come to your place to care for you while you were sick?
This.

Also, some couples just have a dynamics of weird "teasing" comments which make all my alarm bells ring, but it does work for them. Whether it is their way to keep contact or manage jealousy, maybe it's the best way there is for them.

If you think these have a hidden purpose, you COULD speak up/ask to help her be more direct and less manipulative. I can imagine something like this: 'I noticed you making these 'jokes' a few times now. They make me feel like ___(I intrude). Is something wrong? Would you prefer that I leave? If not, would you mind stopping those comments around me? '
 
Why did you invade her home while sick?

I would not be happy about that in my home. I am asthmatic as are my children. Plus I am going thought other health issues.

He could have taken care of you at your home.
 
Hi stillfiguringthingsout,

I do not know why your meta makes those snide remarks. Maybe she wants your SO to feel guilty. Maybe she wants *you* to feel guilty. I take it you do not want to give up spending weekends at his house. She is going to make those remarks while you are over there, so you might as well figure out how to handle them. Perhaps you can work on snazzy ripostes, such as, "Wow, you must be sick out of your mind all the time, to not notice how he busts his ass for you." Then if she complains about your comment, just say, "Haha, can't you take a joke." But maybe you don't want to play her game? or stoop to her level? in which case you could say, "That is apparently funny to you, but I find it rather offensive. I have just as much right to his attentions as you do." Or maybe you would find that too confrontational? in which you could say something somewhat in-between, such as, "Wow, I would never talk to my husband that way."

About your only other option would be to say nothing, and yet somehow figure out how to not be upset about her comments. Perhaps the thing to do is to talk to your SO when your meta is not around, and tell him, "Honey, I get very upset when she makes comments like that. Could you talk to her about it and ask her not to do that anymore?" or you could ask her directly. When she makes a snide remark around you, just say, "Please don't tease like that around me." Or like I said you could just say nothing, and try not to be bothered so much by her comments. Think to yourself, "Well, I am in her house and maybe this is her way of marking her territory." Or think to yourself, "Well, she is probably just jealous, that is her problem to worry about." Like, don't think so much that her behavior is something you need to fix. Let that be between her and her husband. You could even agree with her, something like, "I know! I love the way he pampers me!" Diffuse the situation.

Anyway those are just some random ideas, hopefully one or more of them would work for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you Tinwen, I appreciate your input. I really like how you worded exactly how I was feeling, as yes, they do have a weird teasing dynamic. I'm working to not interfere in their 'thing' but I like the words you chose because yes, when she does that it does make me feel like I am intruding - I just couldn't put my finger on how I was feeling.
Much appreciated!
 
Why did you invade her home while sick?

I would not be happy about that in my home. I am asthmatic as are my children. Plus I am going thought other health issues.

He could have taken care of you at your home.

Invade is quite a strong word, and as I am a fairly compassionate human being, if what I had was contagious then I certainly would have insisted we be in my home.
What I was looking for was help with how to deal with her comments, and I received that from other members.

Thanks
 
Maybe it was uncomfortable for her to see her husband waiting on someone else in her home.

I think sometimes "secondary" partners can confuse someone taking care of their responsibilities with "busting their ass FOR their partner". I've heard someone complain because a spouse asked that they spend more time together as a couple and not co-parents. Secondary saw his time with his kids as time with his wife so didn't want him to spend more time away from her.


yes, I'm beginning to think that it may have been uncomfortable for her despite her reassurances otherwise. Thank you for reminding me that I'm not the only one who might be dealing with jealousy etc.
 
Contagious or not, I wouldn't choose to spend a weekend sick on my metamour's couch. I'd be in my own bed, on my own couch, using my own bathroom. If my partner could come over for an hour or 3 and make me soup and be comforting in other ways, great. If he couldn't get away from wife and kids, so be it.

Speaking as a person who has a nesting partner, if her bf came over here when he was sick and parked himself on my couch all weekend, I wouldn't like it at all. Maybe if he was in the guest room with the door shut, it would be OK. I'd be fine with her going in the guest room and tending to him, bringing him fluids, meds, soup, conversation, even give him a BJ or whatever if that cheered him up.

She and I don't have "jealousy" issues, and we are direct communicators, as poly people should be, so there wouldn't be any snide passive aggressive remarks. It sounds like you need to be more sensitive to your meta's territoriality in her own home. You don't need to criticize her dynamic with her husband. You change your behavior and there won't be a problem with triggering her resentment.

If my metamour was right in the middle of my living room? No, I wouldn't like that. Besides, if he, or any guest, was here, ill, they might need some sleep? And it would be quieter in the guest room. Why did you and bf choose to put you on the couch in the middle of the action?

Personally, I don't like Kevin's ideas one bit. They seem to just perpetuate or escalate the territoriality and passive aggressive bs.
 
Contagious or not, I wouldn't choose to spend a weekend sick on my metamour's couch. I'd be in my own bed, on my own couch, using my own bathroom. If my partner could come over for an hour or 3 and make me soup and be comforting in other ways, great. If he couldn't get away from wife and kids, so be it.

Speaking as a person who has a nesting partner, if her bf came over here when he was sick and parked himself on my couch all weekend, I wouldn't like it at all. Maybe if he was in the guest room with the door shut, it would be OK. I'd be fine with her going in the guest room and tending to him, bringing him fluids, meds, soup, conversation, even give him a BJ or whatever if that cheered him up.

She and I don't have "jealousy" issues, and we are direct communicators, as poly people should be, so there wouldn't be any snide passive aggressive remarks. It sounds like you need to be more sensitive to your meta's territoriality in her own home. You don't need to criticize her dynamic with her husband. You change your behavior and there won't be a problem with triggering her resentment.

If my metamour was right in the middle of my living room? No, I wouldn't like that. Besides, if he, or any guest, was here, ill, they might need some sleep? And it would be quieter in the guest room. Why did you and bf choose to put you on the couch in the middle of the action?

Personally, I don't like Kevin's ideas one bit. They seem to just perpetuate or escalate the territoriality and passive aggressive bs.

Wow, just wow. Thank you for the judgement, I'm happy that you have such a great relationship with your meta. I am working on mine which is why I was asking for advice on how to handle her remarks which made me feel very uncomfortable. I am incredibly sensitive to her feelings and do not routinely criticize their relationship.
It's not like a was vomiting all over the place and interfering in her weekend, in fact she didn't even have to see me if she didn't want to..it was one night of feeling off and my SO took that opportunity to take care of me. Should he have ignored how I was feeling? Sent me home? Maybe, maybe not. He did not feel that I was being inappropriate in any way by staying and it's his home as well. I trust that if it would have been an issue with his wife that he would have told me and I would have went home.
I thought Kevin gave me very constructive adbice that might just work because my meta loves to be a bully until she is called on her behaviour. That is what she understands. That is what I am trying to deal with.
Usually I look forward to hearing your advice but this time you were way way off...you're response was all about you and nothing about giving me constructive criticism or useful advice.
My meta wants kitchen poly until it actually means she might have to do some work...well poly families sometimes need to take care of each other, and its messy and inconvenient.
I have spent many many weekends caring for her when she's been sick. And I sure as hell don't add to her stress by making snide remarks.

Thanks for for your input.
 
OP, your attitude towards your meta reeks of resentment, though you deny it.

You are only hearing (reading) what you want to. It was a BAD IDEA to spend the weekend at their house. If you don't want to hear snide remarks, don't put yourself in a position to hear them.

If your meta is truly a bully, you do not HAVE to participate in kitchen table poly. None of this is beyond your control.
 
Wow, just wow. Thank you for the judgement, I'm happy that you have such a great relationship with your meta.

That sounds very sarcastic. I'm wondering if you're comfortable with using sarcasm to express feelings? It seems that your meta is. So I guess it's a thing between all three of you. :confused:

I am much more direct. I find that works better for me, and leaves less hurt feelings. We get to the heart of the problem without throwing sarcasm bombs at each other. Generally I try to be tactful, but not to the point of not saying what I mean. And this board does sometimes resort to "tough love" in discussions.

I am working on mine, which is why I was asking for advice on how to handle her remarks, which made me feel very uncomfortable. I am incredibly sensitive to her feelings and do not routinely criticize their relationship.

You seem to be trying and working on it. You said you are spending less time at your bf's place, which also belongs to his wife, just recently. But in this case you chose to lie on their couch while ill. Why?

I don't think "handling her remarks" is quite the way to go. I think an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. You may not agree. Why?


It's not like I was vomiting all over the place and interfering in her weekend, in fact she didn't even have to see me if she didn't want to.

How could she not see you if you were on her couch? Do you mean she legit invited you into her home? Were you there for a KTP day and then were suddenly taken ill, and didn't feel up to driving home?

Do they not have an out of the way guest room? Or maybe she'd have been upset even if you were hidden in a room with a closed door. She'd have been cranky just to see her husband making you soup and otherwise tending to you, no matter what? I am not sure why you said, she didn't need to see you. She saw her hubs making soup and covering you up, etc. Was she "spying" on you two?

Can't you see she isn't OK with your status in her home and with her husband?

It was one night of feeling off and my SO took that opportunity to take care of me. Should he have ignored how I was feeling? Sent me home? Maybe, maybe not.

Yeah, maybe. (I thought it was "all weekend," not just "one night.") You don't have to frame it as, he should have "sent you home." You could have offered to head home when you started feeling ill. Or not come at all if you were sick in the first place.

He did not feel that I was being inappropriate in any way by staying, and it's his home as well. I trust that if it would have been an issue with his wife, that he would have told me, and I would have went home.

It was an issue. She was upset, sarcastic, mean. You're asking for help in dealing with an upset woman who doesn't know how to establish and enforce boundaries around metas with her husband. If your bf was clueless about his wife's feelings about all this (because they have this "teasing" PA way of dealing with uncomfortable issues), you could be the sensitive one and not be there too often (as you say you're now doing), and definitely not be there when sick and incapacitated. It seems to me, you can't trust your bf to read his wife's signals of emotional upset.

I thought Kevin gave me very constructive advice that might just work because my meta loves to be a bully until she is called on her behaviour. That is what she understands. That is what I am trying to deal with.

OK. I hear that you liked Kevin's ideas. However, I don't think Kevin's ideas are actual communication. All the things he suggested are more passive aggressive ideas that I fear would just amp up the tensions.:eek: If a meta was making those kind of remarks in my hearing, I'd say something like, "I'm hearing you're uncomfortable with me being here and with [my boyfriend] taking care of me. I'm gonna head home. No worries!" And if she (falsely) said, "Oh, no, no! I'm perfectly OK," I'd just know she was being false and leave anyway.

I understand different areas of the country, and Canada, are more comfortable with passive aggressiveness. My ex h (we split 10 years ago) was from Pennsylvania where people never say what they really feel. I've heard this is also common in the Pacific Northwest and the South. I'm from the New York City area. We are accused of being rude, but it's more like, we just say what we mean and mean what we say, as a general cultural rule. And Kevin is a recovering ex-Mormon, who are known for their "niceness." Aka hiding their true feelings.

Usually I look forward to hearing your advice but this time you were way way off...you're response was all about you and nothing about giving me constructive criticism or useful advice...

My meta wants kitchen poly until it actually means she might have to do some work... Well, poly families sometimes need to take care of each other, and its messy and inconvenient.

And families fight, and sometimes see less of each other (if possible, say if they are adults) if they don't get along. Your meta isn't even your blood family. She's a chosen "friend." That isn't maybe so friendly.

I have spent many many weekends caring for her when she's been sick. And I sure as hell don't add to her stress by making snide remarks.

Then it seems she's less comfortable with KTP than you. She's not a giver. She has more jealousy issues, she wants to be the Queen Bee, and she doesn't like having a meta in her house unless it's directly serving her needs. So, rather than being there when she's upset and being sarcastic, you could go over to her house even less often. Maybe your bf is immune to her sarcasm, so he lets it wash off his back. You don't have to choose to be around it.

Maybe you're angry your bf "treats her like a queen," and you sort of liked it when he was putting your needs ahead of hers for once. So you're willing to be in her face and take her remarks, as long as you have a "clever riposte" to throw back at her?

Personally I'd find it very insulting and avoid it if at all possible. I wouldn't wait for my bf to tell me to leave. I'd just leave. Metas don't have to be bffs. Could scale back to just politeness in passing.
 
That sounds very sarcastic. I'm wondering if you're comfortable with using sarcasm to express feelings? It seems that your meta is. So I guess it's a thing between all three of you. :confused:

I am much more direct. I find that works better for me, and leaves less hurt feelings. We get to the heart of the problem without throwing sarcasm bombs at each other. Generally I try to be tactful, but not to the point of not saying what I mean. And this board does sometimes resort to "tough love" in discussions.



You seem to be trying and working on it. You said you are spending less time at your bf's place, which also belongs to his wife, just recently. But in this case you chose to lie on their couch while ill. Why?

I don't think "handling her remarks" is quite the way to go. I think an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. You may not agree. Why?




How could she not see you if you were on her couch? Do you mean she legit invited you into her home? Were you there for a KTP day and then were suddenly taken ill, and didn't feel up to driving home?

Do they not have an out of the way guest room? Or maybe she'd have been upset even if you were hidden in a room with a closed door. She'd have been cranky just to see her husband making you soup and otherwise tending to you, no matter what? I am not sure why you said, she didn't need to see you. She saw her hubs making soup and covering you up, etc. Was she "spying" on you two?

Can't you see she isn't OK with your status in her home and with her husband?



Yeah, maybe. (I thought it was "all weekend," not just "one night.") You don't have to frame it as, he should have "sent you home." You could have offered to head home when you started feeling ill. Or not come at all if you were sick in the first place.



It was an issue. She was upset, sarcastic, mean. You're asking for help in dealing with an upset woman who doesn't know how to establish and enforce boundaries around metas with her husband. If your bf was clueless about his wife's feelings about all this (because they have this "teasing" PA way of dealing with uncomfortable issues), you could be the sensitive one and not be there too often (as you say you're now doing), and definitely not be there when sick and incapacitated. It seems to me, you can't trust your bf to read his wife's signals of emotional upset.



OK. I hear that you liked Kevin's ideas. However, I don't think Kevin's ideas are actual communication. All the things he suggested are more passive aggressive ideas that I fear would just amp up the tensions.:eek: If a meta was making those kind of remarks in my hearing, I'd say something like, "I'm hearing you're uncomfortable with me being here and with [my boyfriend] taking care of me. I'm gonna head home. No worries!" And if she (falsely) said, "Oh, no, no! I'm perfectly OK," I'd just know she was being false and leave anyway.

I understand different areas of the country, and Canada, are more comfortable with passive aggressiveness. My ex h (we split 10 years ago) was from Pennsylvania where people never say what they really feel. I've heard this is also common in the Pacific Northwest and the South. I'm from the New York City area. We are accused of being rude, but it's more like, we just say what we mean and mean what we say, as a general cultural rule. And Kevin is a recovering ex-Mormon, who are known for their "niceness." Aka hiding their true feelings.



And families fight, and sometimes see less of each other (if possible, say if they are adults) if they don't get along. Your meta isn't even your blood family. She's a chosen "friend." That isn't maybe so friendly.



Then it seems she's less comfortable with KTP than you. She's not a giver. She has more jealousy issues, she wants to be the Queen Bee, and she doesn't like having a meta in her house unless it's directly serving her needs. So, rather than being there when she's upset and being sarcastic, you could go over to her house even less often. Maybe your bf is immune to her sarcasm, so he lets it wash off his back. You don't have to choose to be around it.

Maybe you're angry your bf "treats her like a queen," and you sort of liked it when he was putting your needs ahead of hers for once. So you're willing to be in her face and take her remarks, as long as you have a "clever riposte" to throw back at her?

Personally I'd find it very insulting and avoid it if at all possible. I wouldn't wait for my bf to tell me to leave. I'd just leave. Metas don't have to be bffs. Could scale back to just politeness in passing.


Thank you! I totally understand what you're saying and really appreciate the advice.
 
OP, your attitude towards your meta reeks of resentment, though you deny it.

You are only hearing (reading) what you want to. It was a BAD IDEA to spend the weekend at their house. If you don't want to hear snide remarks, don't put yourself in a position to hear them.

If your meta is truly a bully, you do not HAVE to participate in kitchen table poly. None of this is beyond your control.

Hey Powerpuff,

Yes I know that I resent my meta...and I'm going to therapy to work through it because I want a lifelong relationship with my SO and he's kind of a package deal.
I guess I was just hoping that after 8 years, my Meta would not resort to behaviours that make me feel unwanted and that I was intruding, although my SO reassures me that I was not.

Lesson Learned.
 
Some people, like myself, do not like people in their space.

My husbands are the same way. Butch would go nuclear if I tucked Murf in sick on our couch and vice versa.

My husbands feel that their homes are their sanctuary. As do I. So I do not bring the other partner into their safe space. I do not care if you are contagious or not. Your boyfriend should have taken care of you at your house.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

I guess I was just hoping that after 8 years, my Meta would not resort to behaviours that make me feel unwanted and that I was intruding, although my SO reassures me that I was not.

I think in future? Have SO attend to you in your own space when ill. Then if she makes snide remarks? You just aren't there to hear it. Could focus on the parts you control (where your ears go) and not focus on what she controls (what comes out of her mouth or not.)

I'm not sure how to handle when she does this, which is quite often, she says a snide remark and then follow up with 'just kidding' or 'just teasing' and laugh.

If you ARE in earshot when she makes those remarks? Could call her on it.

You: "You just said ___. What did you mean? Are you aware it comes across like _____?

Meta:"I was just kidding/teasking/joking."

You: "To me jokes make all people feel good. That doesn't feel good to me. Could you be willing not to talk like that around me? Stop with the just teasing/kidding/joking stuff?"

You can make requests. Then probably her response takes one of these paths.

1) Meta Declines: "No. I will not stop."

You: "Ok. Thank you for considering." (Then YOU make a choice to stop hanging around where she is. Stop all efforts at kitchen poly and leave it as "very separate V." Less crap for you to listen to. It gets better for you!)

2) Meta blameshifts to change the focus off her behavior: "You are too sensitive."

You: Yes. I am sensitive. (Agree and redirect.) Are you willing to meet my request? Yes or no? (Put the channel back on to topic at hand. If she says no, see option 1. If yes, see 3.)

3) Meta agrees: Ok, I'll stop doing that around you.

You: Thank you. I appreciate it. (Gets better for you!)


I guess I was just hoping that after 8 years, my Meta would not resort to behaviours that make me feel unwanted and that I was intruding, although my SO reassures me that I was not.

You have eyes and ears and your own experience. Your SO telling your otherwise isn't going to change your experience of Meta's behavior.

my meta loves to be a bully until she is called on her behaviour. That is what she understands. That is what I am trying to deal with.

If she likes picking fights? Don't give it to her. Be flat, be boring, make the simple request and simply accept her answer. Then move on.
Keep it WAY easier on you.

If she agrees to cut it out? Be willing to hang at their place.

If she does not? Don't go to their place even if your SO says it is ok. Because it is not ok TO YOU to be hanging out there listening to her annoying dynamic with him or her snide remarks to you.

Be basic polite if you run into her, but don't hang out more than that. You don't have to be buddies. It doesn't have to be kitchen table poly.

My meta wants kitchen poly until it actually means she might have to do some work...well poly families sometimes need to take care of each other, and its messy and inconvenient.
I have spent many many weekends caring for her when she's been sick. And I sure as hell don't add to her stress by making snide remarks.


Esp if her idea of KTP is "more people to attend to me" and she doesn't take her fair turn attending to other people. Or being around her extra adds to your stress.

Could stop trying to KTP here. And not help take care of her when she is sick any more. Do less. Consider leaving it more "separate V" instead.


Galagirl
 
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Wow, just wow. Thank you for the judgement, I'm happy that you have such a great relationship with your meta. I am working on mine which is why I was asking for advice on how to handle her remarks which made me feel very uncomfortable. I am incredibly sensitive to her feelings and do not routinely criticize their relationship.
It's not like a was vomiting all over the place and interfering in her weekend, in fact she didn't even have to see me if she didn't want to..it was one night of feeling off and my SO took that opportunity to take care of me. Should he have ignored how I was feeling? Sent me home? Maybe, maybe not. He did not feel that I was being inappropriate in any way by staying and it's his home as well. I trust that if it would have been an issue with his wife that he would have told me and I would have went home.
I thought Kevin gave me very constructive adbice that might just work because my meta loves to be a bully until she is called on her behaviour. That is what she understands. That is what I am trying to deal with.
Usually I look forward to hearing your advice but this time you were way way off...you're response was all about you and nothing about giving me constructive criticism or useful advice.
My meta wants kitchen poly until it actually means she might have to do some work...well poly families sometimes need to take care of each other, and its messy and inconvenient.
I have spent many many weekends caring for her when she's been sick. And I sure as hell don't add to her stress by making snide remarks.

Thanks for for your input.

Yeah I'm going to agree with MagdLynn and Powerpuff girl. It's you that sounds crippled with jealousy and resentment plus having a shoddy idea of boundaries. You shouldn't have been parked sick on the couch all weekend. You should have been at home with your partner looking after you there. She's allowed to not want you in her space at any time. If her husband has an issue with that, it's for the people who live there to bash out.

When I said she was uncomfortable, I didn't mean jealous, I meant pissed off that you're parked on her couch all weekend.

I think you need to work on your obvious jealousy that he wants to be her spouse and not yours and to accept the limitations of your role in his life. That might mean you don't get to go to his house sick like you would if he had a different partner or was monogamous. It might mean that you know he isn't the person who can be there for you consistently at those times. But this is what you've chose. This is who you've chosen.

Next time, stay at your home when you're unwell. Ask him if he can come over.
 
I'm not sure how to handle when she does this, which is quite often, she says a snide remark and then follow up with 'just kidding' or 'just teasing' and laugh.

I'd appreciate your input

Thanks

I'm first in agreement with others that it was really poor relationship management to spend the week end sick at her place.

On their end, they are very poor communicators, sending mixed signals.

They want to be able to say a cutting remark but deny responsibility and accountability for it. So the cutting remark is followed by "just kidding". At about 14 years old we expect people to start communicating directly and clearly.

People will virtue-signal, pretending to be cool with something but hoping it would never happen. Acquiescing to something they don't want.

I don't have much respect for the guy, bringing you over to his wife's place when you were sick. Putting both of you in that situation. Not knowing her well enough to avoid trouble, sheesh.
 
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