Too much of a good thing?!

seachange1969

New member
Hi all,

Writing here about a situation that is largely historical, but which I am still confused by and not sure how to take, nor how to move forward from.

I'm 45, Bi F with several years of experience/exploration into consensual non-monogamy, experience with long term relationships. Currently married to a younger guy, 34, who has a bit less experience with long term relationships, and is new to practicing ethical non-monogamy, but feels he holds this as an ideal.

We've had our ups and downs, but we're friends from years back, so we can generally talk through most issues, and care about each others' well being.

In spring of this year, I met a gal who had posted an online ad in "women seeking women". We hit it off immediately. She had advertised seeking cuddle friend(s) but was open to things going further if it seemed right. Turns out she was fresh out of a several year marriage to a woman with whom things just weren't working out. She was open with me about experiencing a lot of loneliness and depression regarding this divorce, and that she was seeing more than one person- at least one or more identified as male. This was, she said, helping alleviate some of her distress, and helping her self esteem. She was open to exploring new/other experiences in life now. At first, she seemed very caring, supportive, and concerned about consent and communication.

I was feeling somewhat isolated myself, as my husband was preoccupied with stress and issues of his own, and not able to be there as much as I needed. He expressed being fine with me going out and socializing/dating other people, since he understood that he was "one person and he couldn't satisfy all my needs". I wanted to be of help and support to someone who seemed to need it, and he empathized with this.

So. I spent time getting to know this gal (let's call her "Z") and generally enjoying some low-key hanging out. There seemed to be a strong mutual attraction there. We did some hand holding in public, some mild making out at her place. I was feeling happy about the attention and connecting with a female romantic interest, after a long time without having explored that side of myself. Life seemed good for a time.

Except suddenly, I started getting complaints from the hubby: when did he get to meet this person, was I really going to just see someone without him knowing who it was and what their agenda was, etc. He seemed anxious and/or perhaps insecure. He was hoping, he said, that he could at least gain a friendship or civil acquaintenceship with this new person.

So, in an effort to soothe his fears and establish more of a sense of community, I arranged for us to all meet up at a restaurant near her house. We were all nervous and didn't know what to expect. Z and hubby met, and instantly hit it off. There seemed to be as much "chemistry" and flirting there as there had been with me, but she was more comfortable around him. She invited us back to her place. We explored being in a snuggle pile together. It felt amazing and super cozy. However, I was having chronic pain issues (going on since before all this happened), so I broke things off because I was hurting and needed to go home and sleep. Reluctantly, they agreed and hubby took me home.

Quickly afterwards, things went from just me chatting with Z, to each of them asking me whether they could have one another's contact info. I allowed this, but with trepidation. Intensity seemed to be gaining in momentum, and I started to feel like things were happening way too fast. I remember mentioning this discomfort at the time.

Turbulence began when the hubby, while out and about, decided to visit with her without talking to me about it first- coffee and then he went to her house and they made out. Each of them claimed that they had "started to feel weird" about my not being there at the time, and that they (not the other person) was the one to say they should stop and cool off.

I had a funny feeling, that night, and texted with him. He was honest about where he was, but didn't seem to understand why this would upset me.

We all got together and tried to talk. They maintained that "since we all fooled around together, and you didn't say anything at the time, we assumed you were okay with it." I was hurt and upset. I HAD been okay with exploration with all three of us. I had NOT said I was okay with them operating independently of me. I said my trust in my husband was breached. She told me she didn't like how I was talking to him. We talked things out, they apologized, we smoothed things over as best we could, chalking it up to a misunderstanding. She mentioned also feeling as though things were moving a bit fast. We tried to work out some basic ground rules.

I tried to make a go of it with them as a triad experience, since on the one hand it seemed like a Unicorn from Heaven had suddenly fallen into our laps. We were all giddy with the powerful feelings generated by this new situation.

But I gradually became more and more uneasy, anxious, self-critical, and jealous. I couldn't help it. And the budding potential relationship between myself and Z started to deteriorate. She kept insisting that our connection was just as important to her as her connection with the husband, but it was clear they were super into each other, and I started to feel more and more like a fifth wheel.

To make it clear, I had NOT been seeking a triad relationship. I had only contacted her as someone who had been seeking another woman. I had just intended to cultivate an ongoing friendship/othership with someone on my own time, as support and companionship for myself. Jumping into a triad situation was WAY over our (my and husband's) heads at that point in time. But I felt almost guilty for despising and fearing something so many other people spend lifetimes seeking after. They were fine with it, they were accepting of me, what was my problem?

We tried having her over, but it started to become clear that some unspoken tension was causing her to hesitate about taking anything further, even though I was doing my best to be a good sport about everything and try to be mutually inclusive. And at times things were not matching up well, like the evening I had to get some work ready for an art exhibit the next day, and they wanted to make out on the couch in the same room, while I was at my desk working. She would have welcomed my attention also, but it seemed almost indiscriminate, and I couldn't focus very well because I kept wondering what was going on- literally-behind my back. When she did stay overnight with us, she snuggled with me all night, but didn't want to get any more involved, and seemed somewhat more distant the next day.

She made an inexorable slide during this time into depression, eventually broke down, and had to go stay with friends out of town. (during the time we knew her, she also alluded to possibly having been diagnosed as Bipolar also, but of this I am not sure.) She backed out of the involvement with us by saying, she "wanted to have that feeling" of closeness she had experienced with us, in a "comitted relationship". We talked about meeting briefly and talking things over, but she backed out of it. We haven't really spoken since.

I had numerous discussions with the husband during this time, and we both vented a lot of feelings and reactions. He now says that period "was not a good example" of how he would intend a non-mono situaion to go, and falls back to a position of being remorseful (or maybe just guilty), apologetic, and saying he is inexperienced and makes mistakes sometimes.

I've tried my best to just let this go and focus on my marriage, since then, but I still think about that time and get confused. Also, I do miss Z and the connection I had with her, because that did seem really special. I wonder at times whether I should contact her, but it's unclear to me what I would even say to her.

I feel guilt and remorse for having screwed up, and for potentially causing unintentional harm. I feel bitter that something I tried to do as a life-affirming move for myself could backfire so horribly. I feel angry that they would be so thoughtless as to jump ahead like they did, without consideration of me. I am somewhat less trusting than I used to be. I feel the loss of what could have been.

I've never encountered something like this before, so any feedback is helpful. I hope my experience can serve some usefulness to others. Thanks.
 
I'm so new to poly myself that i feel a little silly commenting, but I really feel for you. I think this whole thing had the makings of something very special for all of you, but it seems you both jumped head in without the mutual movement of the other. I think a bit more communication and dealing with feelings of jealousy and insecurity could have helped tremendously. I think you need to call that one a learning experience and move on together to find a mutually beneficial poly relationship(s). I'm sorry you got hurt, for sure.
 
I hear(read) you seachange.

First of all your feelings are valid, and valued here. It's ok to feel jealousy, confusion, loss, anger, and sadness.

What I understand is you to write is you:
Met Z from a classified ad.
You expected to date her as an other outside of your relationship with your husband.

Can I ask a clarifying question, did you want a sort of parallel poly relationship, where other partners / lovers don't nessecarily engage with each other?

I also understand that your husband who is younger with less romantic and sexual experiences, knows about your non monogamous lifestyle.

Is he poly himself? I am uncertain on this.

What about yourself? You mention being non monogamous, but there are many different types and labels and I just am trying to understand the situation better.

I am sorry to hear you struggle with letting this go. It can be hard to move on from confusing situations like this. I have had a similar situation in the past I wasn't ready for and neither was my ex husband. But part of being ok with it is realising that it wasn't something I actually was 100% on board with. I also wasn't very secure in my new relationship with my husband and current dynamics between us so was unprepared for my bet friend (and my personal love) to love my husband. It was a lot of confusion and jealousy for me too.

The way I moved on from it was to give it time, to realise that what I wanted wasn't that situation and just because a unicorn falls form the sky, doesn't mean you have to keep it...not all people even like unicorns nonetheless want one. And comparing yourself to others situations and other peoples wants isn't going to help you be clear on your wants. You may have much relationship and sexual experience behind you, but watching someone you care for love someone else you care for, especially if you have never experienced that before, is very shocking to the system. I believe another blogger on here Mya could relate more to this currently.

However, the good news is, feelings pass and what happened here won't nessecarily happen in the future. I have since experienced similar situations without jealousy, fear and insecurity. But I had to let go of feeling in control of anyone else or their body and time, and really dig deep with why I felt what I felt and learn from it.

Are you confused because you still don't know why you felt the way you did? Or do you want "closure", or figuring out how to not have that situation happen again? What about the experience would you Change going foreword? What could you and your husband have done differently?

What things could you have spoken up about, or what boundaries could you have set that made it easier for you to honour yourself and what you wanted and needed if this happened again?
 
Would you have had the same feelings of jealousy if Z had dated a man other than your husband?

You said your husband betrayed you, but I'm not sure how. Do you think he deliberately tried to sabotage your relationship with Z? Did the two of you have some rule about getting an ok to start dating someone?

It's a shame things didn't work out. The best you can do at this point is learn from it.
 
Hi seachange1969,

Sorry to hear how things turned out with Z, I don't know of anything you or your husband did that was terribly wrong, it is a bit of a mystery to me why Z left you and Z doesn't seem to want to talk about it.

What are your agreements regarding dyad activity (just two people, alone)? Do you always need to get permission from the third person? If not always, then, under what circumstances?

How can you improve your communication with each other? Discussing things like that might help you in future poly relationships.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi seachange, welcome to the board. I hope it helped you a little to type it all out, the whole mess. Sorry you're still carrying pain from it all.

I guess I would chalk it up to your husband's inexperience with polyamory/open relationship, and your hesitant yes, since you thought you "should" be OK with a triad, since "so many others look for this their whole lives." Meanwhile Z seemed to be baiting and switching you, when you thought she was seeking a woman, but she was all too eager to make the moves on your man.

Triads are extremely difficult! You're not alone in having yours crash and burn. I am always appalled at how many folks new to poly have triads as an ideal, or think it's the only way to do poly! It's so much easier when 2 members of a couple date separately and each do their own thing.

While you know you h isn't your property and doesn't need your "permission," per se, to date whoever, it was kind of rude and thoughtless of him to ask to meet Z to just make her acquaintance, and then suddenly sort of take her over. :(

I once had a bf who struck up a close friendship with my long term gf. We had a few threesomes, which were mostly awkward (he wasn't too good at pleasing 2 women simultaneously... there's an art to it), and after a few times, my gf backed off of sex with him, or even hanging out with us as often when he visited, since she was aware he was "my" bf and she didn't want him to be distracted with her as well, every time he was here. She had prospects of her own anyway, so didn't want to make things complicated for me. And I appreciated her tact!

I hope you and your husband can learn from mistakes made on all sides. Learn, grow and move on to healthier ways to do poly, without holding on to blame, and creating better boundaries and rebuilding trust.

Have either of you had other partners since it ended with Z?
 
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