husband and best friend want to have sex

It seems like you may be confused? I'm not sure what the point is of coming to polyamory.com, (polyamory being multiple simultaneous relationships that are loving, usually sexual, and often committed) and saying that letting your husband sleep with someone else is a bad idea. We're all about letting ourselves and our partners develop emotional and physical relationships with other people, that's kind of the entire purpose of this board.
 
Although i do not participate in the lifestyle discussed here, i am all for doing what makes you happy.I find it strange to see that this situation,being the issue of whether or not to agree to lend your husband to your best friend, requires so much discussion?I think that there is only ONE simple question to be answered here.This is how i see it ....Are you prepared to lend your most valuable treasure to anyone else, when there is even the slightest chance that they might not give it back ?????????I find it strange that your dearest friend would ask this of you , let alone your husband.I wouldnt care about how HELPFUL it might be for her damaged soul.She can go out and find her own husband when she is prepared to do that herself.Until then she can find her own FWB .No amount of planning and discussing what to do when they end up more connected after having a sexual relationship will make an ounce of difference when it has already happened.Even legal documents drawn up to protect us from misery, are not worth the paper they are written on when things go wrong!!!!I love my friends dearly too ,but i have learnt not to even lend them my books , let alone my husband!!!DONT lend things that you are not prepared to lose .......

Yahbutt,..Environmentally friendly polys, reduce, reuse, and recycle.

There is risk in everything. You could cling to your mate and only spend time with each other. Then one day, he nails your best friend when they meet by chance at a bus stop.

However, I think you have wise words in a different way. Anything requiring this much discussion, and needing every single wrinkle ironed out, is not necessarily because people have some phobia that needs to be dealt with. It's usually because a gut-instinct is SCREAMING at them, that something is going to go wrong, but nobody wants to be the bad guy, that just says no.

There really is a fine line between addressing hang-ups, and listening to instinct. Someone once told me that a worry feels like butterflies in your stomach, and instinct feels like a slow burn. It's been pretty accurate.

Older thread, and I am sure they figured it out. Any updates ?
 
all for your comments

AnnabelMore ...i found this site by accident ..searching..one thing leads to another ,you know how it works. I am totally happy with what choices people make regarding their sex lives ,and i do understand what the polyamory life style means.I just find it odd that someone who chooses to live in a lifesyle that is about sharing their partner with others, is seriously undecided about doing just that?I simply recommend that if it feels bad ,dont do it.Like i said , dont share what you fear losing!!!Being the fact that its her best friend is too close to home , and makes me think about when you get yourself a nice new ....lets say, dress ....and your best friend says....i love it can i borrow it ?....Most the time we say ,"Of course ", but in our heads we think ,F**K NO, get your own !!Sometimes sharing is not always easy ! To SourGirl.....I agree..go with your gut.If youre not prepared to gamble and lose ,then dont play the game... Not trying to upset you girls , just adding my perspective on this issue.
 
Situation Update

Things seem to be going well.

First, my friend's situation:
He did briefly attempt to continue the abuse by filing a restraining order against her, claiming that she deliberately lured him into communicating with her and then called the cops, and that this is a form of harassment. The court actually granted the restraining order. Literally 5 minutes after it was granted, he called her but she didn't answer. I suspect his genius idea was to "trick" her into talking to him so he could call the cops with his new restraining order. But since she hadn't even been notified yet, it wouldn't have mattered, never mind the fact that it was him calling her. When she reported his phone call to the police, he claimed it was a pocket dial... Obviously bullshit, but no way to prove it. There have been no encounters since then.
She has another friend who's been staying with her and helping her a lot.

Second, the situation between my husband and my friend:
The got together once and fooled around (no intercourse) and there were no negative consequences. He's gone over as a friend a few times since, but he hasn't been in the mood for more than hanging out.
 
Glad to hear that things are going well.Happy that your husband and best friend are just that.....Life is complicated enough without having more emotional problems to deal with ...good luck to you all...
 
AnnabelMore ...i found this site by accident ..searching..one thing leads to another ,you know how it works. I am totally happy with what choices people make regarding their sex lives ,and i do understand what the polyamory life style means.I just find it odd that someone who chooses to live in a lifesyle that is about sharing their partner with others, is seriously undecided about doing just that?I simply recommend that if it feels bad ,dont do it.Like i said , dont share what you fear losing!!!Being the fact that its her best friend is too close to home , and makes me think about when you get yourself a nice new ....lets say, dress ....and your best friend says....i love it can i borrow it ?....Most the time we say ,"Of course ", but in our heads we think ,F**K NO, get your own !!Sometimes sharing is not always easy ! To SourGirl.....I agree..go with your gut.If youre not prepared to gamble and lose ,then dont play the game... Not trying to upset you girls , just adding my perspective on this issue.


I read your posts, and i can tell you are mono and dont truly understand poly. First of all poly is not about sex, its about love. And one of the things you understand when you are poly is you can only be responsible for yourself. Saying i wont share him cuz i might not get him back is a mono mindset of i own my partner. None of us owns our partners. I have lots more i could say on this, but......
 
To Polyq4....Here is how i see it ...this may take a while . S.cat said that they would like to pursue a sexual, non romantic relationship.She also said that things began before they discussed it with her and that it "got off to a bad start ".She was also says that it was "still a concern"that her friend was not capable of being fully open and honest.She had reservations, not about sharing but attachment. Obviously she is worried where this will all lead. Phy said... some are able to separate sex and feelings, but she could not .She said never assume some kind of guarantee and that she wouldn't feel ok with it personally. Nycindie added..that she wouldn't worry and she says she is independent solo poly.( that sounds like single ?) S.cat then added "she could develop feelings for him " which would ruin our friendship. After the fisting workshop it was weird for her and her friend afterwards..She later says her husband is not in it for love , just sexual variety(how he sees himself).He has no desire for anything but fucking.She also states many things that are of concern,"sounds warning bells ",doesn't feel like she "can trust her ", this "could damage my trust in him ", she doesn't believe that they're "above those risks " . Then there is "seen far too many horror stories ", "dont want to get caught in any kind of turmoil "and can imagine it bringing up some difficult emotions ". Nycinde then said.. that she thought it was "not a good idea for any of you ".Km34 adds "could cause lasting change in the dynamic between all three of you " and that she'd "rather miss out ...than deal with the potential loss of a good friendship ". S.cat returned with "just normal jealousy that i can deal with ...but i dont think it is ". "Never had such a..reaction " about her physical symptoms . She tells us that they "both refused to admit that it was at least a remote possibility "that feelings could develop. Later on she said that she would never walk out on her friends ( in need ) . Here i would like to add a question ...How can you truly help a friend in need when you are involved in the problem ? What i mean is .. if they went ahead with this no feelings arrangement and the friend develops feelings , then gets hurt when the husband doesn't return those feelings , how can you be both her friend giving her support, and the wife of the man who is hurting her at the same time ????? Isn't there a conflict of interest here ? Its hard to "support her broken heart "when shes had it broken by you own husband . Dinged heart.. explains that sex is sex , love is love and that a poly is more realistic about the possibility of more ! To clear up some issues , S.cat tells us that her husband is not poly, that she is, and i understand her girlfriend is not poly. She says that they make a big deal out of "distinguishing between polyamory and just fucking around ". Her husband just wants" casual sex now and then" . " Annabel says ..polyamory is having relationships that are loving , usually sexual and often "committed "! Its "all about letting our partners develop "emotional and physical relationships with other people "! ???????????? SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO why is it that S.cat who says she is poly is concerned about her husband and girlfriend developing an emotional relationship ?????????It could be her girlfriend that she may fear losing , not her husband , it doesn't matter which .I wouldn't lend my girlfriend to my husband if i though it could ruin our friendship , even if i was poly . It is plain to see that she did not feel that creating problems between the three of them was worth the risk ...Good idea. Protect the relationships that you value!!" Don't put all your eggs in the one basket "', you could lose them all if something goes wrong !! You dont have to be of a certain sexual orientation ,or living a particular lifestyle to understand this. I could have made lots more comments myself up to here, but its late and im tired. Im simply pointing out to you the key points that stand out to me throughout this thread. Now .....To Polyq4, yes i am mono, straight , aged 44, married 20 years , been together longer than that , 2 kids . I don't own anyone , and no one owns me ! You say that poly is not about sex , its about love , and that if you're poly , you can only be responsible for yourself ( as in you cant control others ??) If this is poly ....then anyone who calls them self such should have no issue with any connection that develop between other people ( including those they are in a relationship with ) because this is surely part of the LOVE part of a poly relationship...its not about sex you said. Also , if you don't own the other person, how is it that your partner needs your ok to have a relationship with anyone, including your best friend??Of course he is asking to make sure that you are ok with it, and that you are involved with the planning of it . But if you are truly poly, then you should think "go with my blessings ", "i trust you " and "i know that its just sex for you, that's fine with me"( the sex only part ), and " if she develops a connection with you that's fine with me too " ( that would be the love , connection part of poly) .I think Annabel explained this well ..."its about letting our partners develop emotional and physical relationships with other people " . I cant see how S.cat could have an issue here, not when it comes to poly thinking .And that's looking at it as two separate issues , as the wife , then as the friend . However she had concerns all the way about them forming an attachment that could ruin the happy relationships they had before.She new that mixing those relationships up could hurt everyone.This seems to be an exception to the poly way of thinking .I see it as an example of a situation where gut instinct and common sense far outways any poly beliefs .I am very pleased to hear that all is well in the end...Its all fun and games til it ends in tears ..take caution ..( not intended as an insult here ) What we think is harmless could prove to be a nightmare , regardless of everyones best intentions . :)
 
Even though the matter is resolved, I'm going to comment on that... I guess I'm just feeling the need to defend my "polyness" while still having maintained the reservations that I did.

She new that mixing those relationships up could hurt everyone.This seems to be an exception to the poly way of thinking .

There's no poly creed that says "you should embrace every situation that involves multiple romantic relationships, or else you're not truly poly." That's like saying you should encourage all women to abort every unplanned pregnancy, or else you're not truly pro-choice. Polyamory means you can choose to have multiple romantic relationships, not that a polyship is the best choice in every situation. A bad idea is a bad idea, poly or not.

if you are truly poly, then you should think "go with my blessings ", "i trust you " and "i know that its just sex for you, that's fine with me"( the sex only part ), and " if she develops a connection with you that's fine with me too " ( that would be the love , connection part of poly)

This logic assumes that my husband is also polyamorous, which he is not. It would not be the "love, connection part of poly" because he is not polyamorous. I don't know how many different ways I can say this. Analogy? I like studying bugs. My husband likes squishing bugs. I would never encourage my friend to bring my husband on a bug collecting expedition, because he would squish all the bugs. Does that mean I'm not truly a bug enthusiast? I guess you could argue that I shouldn't have married a bug squisher if I'm a bug lover, but I consider it the price of admission.

Me being polyamorous doesn't make my husband polyamorous, and so his relationships don't fall under the "polyamory guidelines." Period. It's not that he isn't allowed to develop feelings for someone else, it's that he does not want to. The only reason it's not "fine with me too" if my best friend develops feelings for my husband is that he is not interested in returning them. I would say "not capable" but reading about Mono in RP's blog, I'm starting to suspect anyone is capable of having romantic feelings for more than one person... However, my husband currently does not have enough time for his family due to his job, so he sure as shit doesn't have enough time for his family and a girlfriend.

That's the practical side. The emotional side is that my husband...isn't. He grew up in a home where expressing your feelings was frowned upon, unless it was anger or pride. He's come a long way, but he still struggles with emotions. He's said time and time again that it's all he can do to keep up with one romantic relationship, that it's very difficult for him to do the work required to maintain that relationship, and that he'd rather walk over hot coals than have to deal with a third woman's emotions (the first being his daughter, the second being me).

Take the fact that he's my husband out of the picture, and therefore take poly out of the picture. Would you encourage your best friend, who's in an emotionally vulnerable state, to have sex with a guy who just wants sex, knowing that in her current state there's a chance she'll develop unrequited feelings for him, forcing him to break her heart? Now put my husband back in: You know the guy very well, and your opinion holds a lot of weight for him. You have the ability to head this off at the starting gate. Why wouldn't you use every drop of your influence to try and protect your friend?

I should re-iterate that my biggest fear was for my friend's emotional well-being. I was never afraid of losing my husband. If this was about polyship, my fears would be all about losing my husband, or losing a part of his attention, or something about me. This was never about me, so my polyness is frankly irrelevant.
 
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SC,

This is a very well-written post. I think that you convey your thoughts clearly. Poly does not mean "free-for-all, anything goes" - people are still people, bad ideas are still bad ideas, unhealthy relationships are still unhealthy relationships and what is good for the goose is NOT ALWAYS good for the gander (for a given goose and gander :D). Every situation is unique and should be analyzed on its own merits. Thank you for taking the time to express your views.

JaneQ
 
I had a "best friend" like that for many years. I considered her 'like a sister" and I was the friend that was "always there for her". All of her other friends and family admired me for being so loyal. However- I finally realized that she was wreaking havoc in my life. I had to admit that I had outgrown her and that she was so dysfunctional and self centered that she was not really contributing anything to our friendship or to me. In fact, she began to sabotage my primary relationship and that is when I had my wake-up call. I had become her rescuer. It was one sided and had been for a while. I ended the relationship. I still think of her and I miss her, but I do not regret ended the friendship. I have moved on and I have made new friends with healthier people who respect me.
 
S.cat.....Thank you for your reply . Nice to get the details from your situation. I do understand your husband is not ployamorous, just enjoys the sex and wants to help a friend.I like your bug analogy.If she likes bugs ( at least wont squish them ) i wouldn't encourage that she take him along . I said your husband wasn't poly. I got that from your post . I get that he doesn't follow poly guidelines .I can see that he doesn't want to develop feelings with your friend and that you are both worried that she may , and that he cant mirror those. I too have a husband that works long hard hours , 2 states away, and barely has time to scratch, let alone spend enough time with us.I would not recommend that you husband "spreads " himself any "thinner ". ( a problem that none of you need ) There will always be a chance that people ( anyone ) could develop feelings for someone if they spend time together , let alone have an intimate or sexual relationship.No one is completely resistant to this , some sort of bond will usually form .( even clients fall for prostitutes and this starts as a business arrangement ) . This bond usually requires some nurturing and attention in order to keep the person with the feelings content.Sometimes the other party has no interest in doing this, therefore one or both end up hurt. Your husband expressed that he has no intention of dealing with another womans emotions, he is a smart man , i think he has enough to deal with by the sound of it . I feared that he was risking exactly this by entering into this arrangement, could be his "price of admission "! Your girlfriend entering into this arrangement could have her feelings hurt , her "price of admission "! No i wouldn't suggest my girlfriend have sex with a guy who just wants sex ( knowing her state and her likelihood of developing feelings ) This puts her at risk . Now its your husband , brother or friend , someone you know and trust , who listens to you and your concerns,that's now considering taking the place of the guy ( who just wants sex ). You discuss everything at the start and do your best to organize a situation that protect him and her and you.Great.........Now .. you know she is likely to develop feelings ( in her state) and the man you have set her up with ( safe and caring ) is NOT emotionally available ( any further than he was prior ).Yes he is her friend and is trustworthy, but he's not really any different than the other guy ??Neither wants to attach emotionally with her . The SEX guy may not even be her friend , you husband or brother etc will be , but aren't they that already ? The fear of her getting hurt is still the same .Only this time she could be hurt by someone who actually does care about her. Isn't this harder to deal with later ? I think you make a much better friend than match maker and she will benefit much more from your support if things go wrong, if you are more removed from the HURT.Your husband , brother or whoever,can also better support her if they aren't the ones hurting her. She needs all her friends doesn't she ? It seems inevitable that she will be hurt unless she invests her time and energy ( including sexual ) into people that are emotionally available and can return her feelings. There are no guarantees she wont still get hurt,but at least there is the possibility of a future ?I never thought that your Polyness was relevant in this situation , your concern for your friends well-being is ! TO IDEALIST .. your post is a perfect example of how our best intentions can blow up in our face . Thanks for your input ....
 
happinesswins, I honestly can't read more than the first line or two of your posts before my eyeballs give up. Could you please include paragraph breaks and try to put the punctuation where it belongs?
 
I had a "best friend" like that for many years. I considered her 'like a sister" and I was the friend that was "always there for her". All of her other friends and family admired me for being so loyal. However- I finally realized that she was wreaking havoc in my life. I had to admit that I had outgrown her and that she was so dysfunctional and self centered that she was not really contributing anything to our friendship or to me. In fact, she began to sabotage my primary relationship and that is when I had my wake-up call. I had become her rescuer. It was one sided and had been for a while. I ended the relationship. I still think of her and I miss her, but I do not regret ended the friendship. I have moved on and I have made new friends with healthier people who respect me.

It doesn't sound like your friend is anything like my friend, but I can understand how you would get that impression since this thread only focused on her negative traits that were relevant to this situation. I didn't mention anything about how she's always been there for me when I needed someone to vent to or a shoulder to cry on, or just to shoot the shit. She has never once judged me for anything, which is more than I can say for pretty much anyone I know. She's not self-centred at all. If anything, she's guilty of putting other people's needs before her own. Even though she's dirt poor, she never hesitates to share what she does have when I visit. She supported me this August when I was in turmoil about whether to do my Master's, and offered to let me stay with her if I needed to move back to Winnipeg, and even to take care of my cats while I found a place to live. Bottom line, I certainly do not feel used or taken advantage of by her.

I don't look at friendships as business transactions. It's not all about me, or what you can do for me, or whether you're doing as much for me as I'm doing for you. There's give and take. At that point in her life, she needed to take a little more because she was going through hard times. I've had rough times in my life where I've leaned on her a little more. It all comes out in the wash. Assuming it goes both ways, you don't walk out on your friends when they need you most. Now, if all they ever do is need you, that's different. You did the right thing for your situation, absolutely.

She's by no means wreaking havoc on my life. There was this one little blip where something was contemplated and decided against. That happened within a week of my initial post, way back in June... The rest has basically been discussion about her situation in general and my motivation for behaving the way I did.

Sure, she's not perfect. Who is? And how boring would that be? But really, this is the biggest conflict we've had in 14 years of friendship, and it was resolved in a week with no hard feelings from anyone. Not exactly what I consider a toxic relationship.

Someone asked me earlier why we're friends, and I had a wibbly wobbly answer. My husband asks me, why do I love him? Both remind me of something I read the other day: "If you can answer 'why' then it's not love, it's like."

I feared that he was risking exactly this by entering into this arrangement, could be his "price of admission "! Your girlfriend entering into this arrangement could have her feelings hurt , her "price of admission "!

Did you actually watch the video? "Price of admission" refers to the irritating little things you're willing to put up with in a relationship, in exchange for being with someone you love. E.g. my husband never puts his wash cloths in the hamper. I used to harp on him about it, now I just throw them in the hamper. It's faster than waiting for him to do it, and less stressful for both of us. Putting my husband's dirty wash cloths in the hamper is a "price of admission" that I pay for being with him. No one's perfect, you have to take the bad with the good. Risking your marriage or having your heart broken is hardly a "price of admission."
 
Emm - fair comment ,wasn't considering the effect the hurried writing would have on readers, too busy picking up after family .Had other priorities. S.cat - I wasn't trying to imply that my friends were any better than yours.I'm glad to hear that she's there for you when you need her too . I never meant that friendships should be like a business transaction, where everyone gets equal benefit. Not even families work that way . Much of the time its one way or the other , but you're happy to make them happy. Of course you should never walk out on a friend in need , you can't call yourself one if you do . A friend doesn't have to be perfect , they just need to be good for your soul.If they make you happy , that's all that matters. My use of "price of admission " was not the same as yours. I used it in terms of - the price you must be prepared to pay if you take a risk , or gamble so to speak. Risking your marriage or having your heart broken are never to be taken lightly , that's why I made a comment on this thread in the first place. I wouldn't use the term "price of admission " to describe picking up after my husband and kids. Its just life . We all have shit things to do along the way'. Some more shit than others. Better to pick your battles , so we all exist happily in each others company, none of us are perfect.This is not something i see as a price to pay , it just is what it is. Wish you all the very best on your adventures, good luck to you all.
 
Emm - fair comment ,wasn't considering the effect the hurried writing would have on readers, too busy picking up after family .Had other priorities.

I notice when I quote your messages, there are lots of "spaces" but they don't appear in the posts... Just so you know, this forum doesn't post your message when you hit "Enter" so that's the easiest way to put white space in your messages.

S.cat - I wasn't trying to imply that my friends were any better than yours.

I quoted idealist's message about her own friend and then put my response about my friendship directly beneath the quote. That means I was responding to her quote, and it had nothing to do with you.

My use of "price of admission " was not the same as yours. I used it in terms of - the price you must be prepared to pay if you take a risk , or gamble so to speak.
I wouldn't use the term "price of admission " to describe picking up after my husband and kids. Its just life . We all have shit things to do along the way'. Some more shit than others. Better to pick your battles , so we all exist happily in each others company, none of us are perfect.This is not something i see as a price to pay , it just is what it is.

As far as you calling it "my use of 'price of admission'"... it doesn't work that way. In this thread, I used the term first, and defined it by way of linking to the video where I got the term. You ignored my link and chose to make up your own definition, creating confusion because we were using two definitions for the same term. Communication only works if people agree to use the same definitions for terms. I did a quick search, and previous uses of "price of admission" on this forum are consistent with my own.

Perhaps for you, picking up after people isn't a big deal, so it's not one of YOUR prices of admission. When my husband helps put away dishes, he never puts anything where it goes. Ironically, I find that endearing, and rearranging them isn't a price of admission for me.

But I'm sure your husband does at least one thing that drives you nuts, but you put up with it because you love him. Scratching his balls in public? Chewing with his mouth open? Taking all the covers in bed? Using too much salt in his cooking?

You say you "pick your battles" which implies there are potential battles that you choose not to fight. By definition, choosing not to fight those battles IS paying the price of admission. That's exactly what the term means.



In an earlier post, you said you found this site by accident. I noticed that you joined on the same day you first responded to this thread, and that this is the only thread you've participated in. I'm curious, what were you searching that brought you to this thread in particular?
 
S.Cat-Thanks for your "enter" tip.
I understood your use of "price of admission ",it's a common term and i was simply using it the way i have seen it used. Sorry for any confusion.
Yes, my husband and kids do have annoying habits, but i love them all the same and it's faster to do things yourself in the end (Rather than argue .Saving my nagging for the important issues = picking my battles ). My husband doesn't put the dishes where i put them either, but i am happy that he helps me with the workload.He doesn't put the pegs on the washing the way i like them either!
How did i find your thread?........Just finished reading Sex At Dawn, by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha...They show how far from human nature monogamy really is.This book is brilliant. I would suggest everyone read it .(you may have already ) The book contains many other references and while researching some of them i ended up on this site. Your story caught my attention and here i am .
Have been reading many other books on relationships and sex and am interested in real people and their stories. I have found the discussions here interesting and have enjoyed talking to you.
 
@ SchroedingersCat: While it’s good that you have a forum to explore your feelings and It’s a bit of a puzzle to me why you’re seeking advice on a polyamory site.

You’re not polyamorous and it’s clear that you husband’s not either, nor are you down for it if he were.

By your statements you’re suspicious of his lying to you by omission and you’re suspicious of her lying to you to “tell you what you want to hear”.

In the beginning implied that you’re okay with his having your friend for a FWB as long as she doesn’t love him, yet you’re afraid of what will happen if they have sex.

How this is different from simple jealousy in a monogamous marriage?

While you’re deserving of all the respect, generosity and empathy that any human being is, and it’s good that you can talk to people on here about your feelings it may be more effective to deal with your feelings another way.

Now I expect you have may some angry things to say to me, so let fly.
 
Being poly does not mean one has to accept any and all sexual connections wanted by a partner. Not does it mean that feelings are not felt. SC was uncomfortable because of the specific circumstances of her husband's possible sexual connection with a dear friend - a friend going through a bad divorce, fleeing an abusive partner. I would have very similar concerns in her shoes. That has diddly squat to do with being poly. Also she has acknowledged that her husband is more poly sexual than polyamorous.

You don't have to accept SC's version of poly for yourself. But it is still poly.
 
@ SchroedingersCat: While it’s good that you have a forum to explore your feelings and It’s a bit of a puzzle to me why you’re seeking advice on a polyamory site.

Here's a typical example from our relationship:

Last year, we met a friend-of-a-friend who was on the rebound. After a night at the bar, and knowing we are non-monogamous, she asked me if I would mind her inviting my husband to come home with her. I encouraged it. I knew it would be exciting for my husband. It didn't even occur to me to worry that she could develop feelings for him. She was just a casual acquaintance and her heart was not really my concern.

The reason I needed advice is that this whole situation was completely unlike anything I'd experienced before. It's related to this forum because of my friend's potential to develop feelings for my husband. Anyone in a swinger forum would say "There could be feelings?! Don't do it!" People in a polyamory forum are better equipped to look at it from both sides and provide rational, non-judgmental advice.

You’re not polyamorous and it’s clear that you husband’s not either, nor are you down for it if he were.

I would be overjoyed if my husband were such an emotional person that he was capable of loving more than one person. But he himself has said he is not. In fact, every single time we have to work through a difficult spot in our marriage, he questions whether he's even strong enough for this one romantic relationship. So I work with what I've got.

By your statements you’re suspicious of his lying to you by omission and you’re suspicious of her lying to you to “tell you what you want to hear”.

Who wouldn't be? I'm afraid I don't understand the point you're trying to make, please clarify.

In the beginning implied that you’re okay with his having your friend for a FWB as long as she doesn’t love him, yet you’re afraid of what will happen if they have sex.

How this is different from simple jealousy in a monogamous marriage?

Monogamous jealousy usually stems from a fear of losing your partner. There's nothing simple about it. My fear was of my best friend getting even more heartbroken than she already was. That has nothing to do with jealousy or monogamy, and everything to do with not wanting to see loved ones get hurt, especially if you can help it.

While you’re deserving of all the respect, generosity and empathy that any human being is, and it’s good that you can talk to people on here about your feelings it may be more effective to deal with your feelings another way.

Now I expect you have may some angry things to say to me, so let fly.

You amuse me. I don't allow my emotions to be governed by strangers on the internet. However, your deliberate attempt to incite such a reaction comes dangerously close to violating this forum's guidelines regarding trolling. I understand that I may have offended you with my response to your terrible advice in another thread, and I apologized for my brash words there. However this is not a constructive way to deal with your own anger.
 
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