embracingAFOG
New member
I'm in a 4 month V (FMF) with my male partner and his wife who have been together for over a decade. We are all 4-month-old poly newbies.
I have previously felt that my partner has had a lot of compassion and empathy for his wife and very little towards me, but I don't know if there is any way to tell if I'm imagining it or if it is the reality. For me, I've tried to make sense of it and I feel that he understands her and her intentions from their many years together whereas, being in a very new relationship with me, has not had the opportunity to learn mine. When I have fed this back to him previously, he does not appear to consider his potential bias to be an option and will immediately disagree that it's a possibility.
My partner and his wife have chosen to keep poly a secret from family and friends for now.
About a month ago, on my third meeting with his wife, we decided to do dinner and an escape room that included one of their friends. No long before the dinner, my partner thought we should say that we met ABC club (not real name) and I agreed to this - why not?
During this night, I felt isolated as no one asked me any questions (not even 'How are you?') though I joined in on their conversations as much as possible until it drifted into conversations about their other mutual friends that I did not know. I exchanged very few sentences with my partner and I got a fun story from his wife when I asked her a direct question though did not receive a question in return.
Overall, the escape room went ok apart from a couple of things that bothered me:
1) My partner scoff/laughed at me in front of everyone when I was wrong about something
2) When my partner's wife was struggling with a task, I suggested that we all chip in to help, but he rejected the idea immediately
I spent all of that night awake wondering why I felt so upset about the evening. I'd incorrectly concluded that my partner's lack of interaction with me was because his wife was there and he did not know how to behave, the mocking was embarrassing and shooting down my idea was him choosing to side with his wife.
Regretfully, the next day I sent him paragraphs expressing how upset I was and what I thought the problems were on Whatsapp via text. He was very upset by what I'd said and said he needed time to process what I'd said. We met that evening to discuss it.
During this emotional conversation, I'd said that I don't understand why I felt like this and that I was very confused. As my partner and his wife were moving out of the country in 3 months' time, why don't we just have a good time between him and me - that I don't need to see his wife again. I'd also expressed to him that I felt that his wife was disinterested and cold during the dinner. He had little response or questions and said he had to think about this. The next day, he broke up with me via Whatsapp but when he explained why they were based on statements that he thought I'd made but they were things that he'd interpreted from what I'd said and not what I'd meant at all.
[edit added] Since then we have gotten back together and talked extensively about what happened. I'm now of the opinion that I was upset at the situation where poly was a secret and not at anyone else.
Last week, my partner is pushing me to resolve my conflict with his wife. I did not understand why as from my POV, we were fine. I find out eventually after a long argument that he told his wife that I thought she was cold and disinterested and that I thought that she'd mocked me that night. This was something said in private with him on in an emotional conversation.
As soon as I found out that he'd said this, I said that that isn't how I currently feel, that what I'd said was misinterpreted by him and that I feel ok/neutral when I think about her now. He gave me her number and I messaged her on Whatsapp to see if she wanted a quick lunch or dinner one day.
His wife read my message and I did not hear from her again. A couple of days later, I reach out again and find that she'd blocked me. Upon asking my partner about this, he asks his wife about it, she unblocks me and says "Hello. I'd blocked you. What's up?"
We have back and forth Whatsapp messages (a terrible idea in hindsight) and failed to understand each other. I asked her to disregard what her husband said on my behalf previously and to give the most weight to what I am saying to her directly. I thought that I'd tried to be diplomatic and felt that she spoke defensively, read non-existing negative intentions and was accusing me of various things.
My last message to her read:
"Jane (not real name), our relationship is a two-way street. I was open to having a conversation with you about this but my feeling is that you are not speaking to me with respect. I am choosing not to continue the conversation today as it is hurting my relationship with you."
She messaged afterward but I have not yet responded.
My partner's feedback was that we were both not compassionate but that he sided with her that I never answered her question. I felt that he just had negative feedback for me and was defending his wife throughout including saying things like "Jane was just trying to xyz". I asked him not to speak on her behalf with me but he said that this was just his opinion.
He was also personally offended that I asked her to forget about what he'd said on my behalf as he interpreted this as me calling him a liar. I don't think that he intentionally twisted what I'd said but after his filter some of what he understood to be what I'd said is not what I'd meant at all at the time and especially now after much processing and discussion with him.
I'm interested to learn if you have ever felt like this and any advice would be great.
I have previously felt that my partner has had a lot of compassion and empathy for his wife and very little towards me, but I don't know if there is any way to tell if I'm imagining it or if it is the reality. For me, I've tried to make sense of it and I feel that he understands her and her intentions from their many years together whereas, being in a very new relationship with me, has not had the opportunity to learn mine. When I have fed this back to him previously, he does not appear to consider his potential bias to be an option and will immediately disagree that it's a possibility.
My partner and his wife have chosen to keep poly a secret from family and friends for now.
About a month ago, on my third meeting with his wife, we decided to do dinner and an escape room that included one of their friends. No long before the dinner, my partner thought we should say that we met ABC club (not real name) and I agreed to this - why not?
During this night, I felt isolated as no one asked me any questions (not even 'How are you?') though I joined in on their conversations as much as possible until it drifted into conversations about their other mutual friends that I did not know. I exchanged very few sentences with my partner and I got a fun story from his wife when I asked her a direct question though did not receive a question in return.
Overall, the escape room went ok apart from a couple of things that bothered me:
1) My partner scoff/laughed at me in front of everyone when I was wrong about something
2) When my partner's wife was struggling with a task, I suggested that we all chip in to help, but he rejected the idea immediately
I spent all of that night awake wondering why I felt so upset about the evening. I'd incorrectly concluded that my partner's lack of interaction with me was because his wife was there and he did not know how to behave, the mocking was embarrassing and shooting down my idea was him choosing to side with his wife.
Regretfully, the next day I sent him paragraphs expressing how upset I was and what I thought the problems were on Whatsapp via text. He was very upset by what I'd said and said he needed time to process what I'd said. We met that evening to discuss it.
During this emotional conversation, I'd said that I don't understand why I felt like this and that I was very confused. As my partner and his wife were moving out of the country in 3 months' time, why don't we just have a good time between him and me - that I don't need to see his wife again. I'd also expressed to him that I felt that his wife was disinterested and cold during the dinner. He had little response or questions and said he had to think about this. The next day, he broke up with me via Whatsapp but when he explained why they were based on statements that he thought I'd made but they were things that he'd interpreted from what I'd said and not what I'd meant at all.
[edit added] Since then we have gotten back together and talked extensively about what happened. I'm now of the opinion that I was upset at the situation where poly was a secret and not at anyone else.
Last week, my partner is pushing me to resolve my conflict with his wife. I did not understand why as from my POV, we were fine. I find out eventually after a long argument that he told his wife that I thought she was cold and disinterested and that I thought that she'd mocked me that night. This was something said in private with him on in an emotional conversation.
As soon as I found out that he'd said this, I said that that isn't how I currently feel, that what I'd said was misinterpreted by him and that I feel ok/neutral when I think about her now. He gave me her number and I messaged her on Whatsapp to see if she wanted a quick lunch or dinner one day.
His wife read my message and I did not hear from her again. A couple of days later, I reach out again and find that she'd blocked me. Upon asking my partner about this, he asks his wife about it, she unblocks me and says "Hello. I'd blocked you. What's up?"
We have back and forth Whatsapp messages (a terrible idea in hindsight) and failed to understand each other. I asked her to disregard what her husband said on my behalf previously and to give the most weight to what I am saying to her directly. I thought that I'd tried to be diplomatic and felt that she spoke defensively, read non-existing negative intentions and was accusing me of various things.
My last message to her read:
"Jane (not real name), our relationship is a two-way street. I was open to having a conversation with you about this but my feeling is that you are not speaking to me with respect. I am choosing not to continue the conversation today as it is hurting my relationship with you."
She messaged afterward but I have not yet responded.
My partner's feedback was that we were both not compassionate but that he sided with her that I never answered her question. I felt that he just had negative feedback for me and was defending his wife throughout including saying things like "Jane was just trying to xyz". I asked him not to speak on her behalf with me but he said that this was just his opinion.
He was also personally offended that I asked her to forget about what he'd said on my behalf as he interpreted this as me calling him a liar. I don't think that he intentionally twisted what I'd said but after his filter some of what he understood to be what I'd said is not what I'd meant at all at the time and especially now after much processing and discussion with him.
I'm interested to learn if you have ever felt like this and any advice would be great.
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