Long distance love

rolypoly

New member
I searched the forum and haven't found a topic solely on this, so I'm starting one. (Hopefully I've searched thoroughly enough).

I just got off the phone with Nerdist and we talked a little bit more about what we would like with each other if I do indeed move away. In my heart, I'm feeling most like I want to move back to where I lived before. It worked for me there.

I've seen a few people mention that they're in long-distance poly relationships and I'd love to hear about how they work for you. Neither Nerdist nor I have been in a long distance relationship, so we don't really know how to go about it.

It's a 10-ish hour trip and there's a very good rideshare board from there to here. It's feasible to spend some time together throughout the year. We also talked about agreeing upon how often to phone/email each other. I know I'd feel more connected if I knew that we had time reserved for talking with each other and catching up.

What other agreements do people have that make LDRs more smooth? How do you handle them? What benefits do you get from your relationship if regular physical intimacy isn't possible?
 
I searched the forum and haven't found a topic solely on this, so I'm starting one. (Hopefully I've searched thoroughly enough).

I just got off the phone with Nerdist and we talked a little bit more about what we would like with each other if I do indeed move away. In my heart, I'm feeling most like I want to move back to where I lived before. It worked for me there.

I've seen a few people mention that they're in long-distance poly relationships and I'd love to hear about how they work for you. Neither Nerdist nor I have been in a long distance relationship, so we don't really know how to go about it.

It's a 10-ish hour trip and there's a very good rideshare board from there to here. It's feasible to spend some time together throughout the year. We also talked about agreeing upon how often to phone/email each other. I know I'd feel more connected if I knew that we had time reserved for talking with each other and catching up.

What other agreements do people have that make LDRs more smooth? How do you handle them? What benefits do you get from your relationship if regular physical intimacy isn't possible?

It seems my life has been a series of LDRs or logistically nightmarish love affairs. But when my husband and I were dating, a lot of that time (months during the 3 years before we married) was spent as an LDR. He lived in Ireland and I was here in the states. Anyway that was before internet and email, cell phones and texting. We set aside a specific time (Sundays at 9pm his time which was 4pm here) to talk and catch up. We usually talked for at least an hour, sometimes 2. Then of course we wrote to eachother almost daily. He would send postcards too. We met up every few months- NY, Boston and Dublin. Until I decided about 1 year into it ...ok, enough is enough, and I moved to Belfast for 5 or 6 months, and then I moved back again for work/school. He followed me back to the states after about 4 months and we married two months later. It is doable...although time always seemed to drag in between meetings. We dated other people for about a year but then we became monogamously exclusive...that was really hard during LDR! You always miss eachother when apart but with all the technology available now, it shouldn't be nearly as hard on the relationship. Best of luck.;)
 
That's great, thanks for sharing MG. Feeling encouraged. :)
 
I don't have any personal experience with this (yet), but I see it as more viable for a poly-relationship than a mono-relationship. That is, you're not "limiting" yourselves to this one long-distance relationship, and you're both free to pursue other relationships that fill the need for physical closeness on a daily basis.
 
Cajun and I had an LDR before I finally moved to Minnesota. I was in Chicago area and that is about 7-8 hour drive. We emailed each other...well I should say we sent short stories to each other as that is how we used to write emails, lots and lots of information, talking about everything, etc. We'd talk on the phone once in a while but email always seemed easier.

For getting together we switched off between him driving all the way, my driving all the way, and then us meeting somewhere half way (The Dells was a regular choice) We did this every two-three weekends, that way it wasn't too long before seeing each other.

It will take communication (duh) and scheduling, especially as there are more people involved than just the two of you, but it is possible and done all the time. The hardest part is not giving up.
 
I think in polyamory this can be a successful relationship structure. For the exact reason Ygirl said.

Having only been in two long distance relationships before, one purely monogamous, the other was up in the air, one was a failure, the other, I ended up moving out west and marrying her :). For the failure It was an age thing and the distance was about a 24 hour bus ride. In the end it just didn't work. I think even at 16 I asked if we could have an open relationship so I could fulfill any physical requirements a 16 year old boy may have had. Great conversation when you are that young.

All that said, my perspective in how I view things has changed and is always changing and being challenged. I think it has the possibility to be a smashing success depending on the people involved. :)
 
I'm currently in a LDR with my poly partner. It worked well for a while as although the distance and travel-time was a pain in the bum, it felt healthy to have that time apart and look forward to seeing each other monthly. His other girlfriend was also a LDR for him.

However, she has recently moved in with him, and although it makes it easier for him to have time and money to travel to me more often, it's made it more difficult in terms of feeling stable in the relationship - feeling like we're all in the same position almost.

I think that LDR's can work really well where there is good communication and regular contact - emails/calls/texts whatever...and if nothing else, it's always nice to look forward to seeing someone you love.
 
I don't have any personal experience with this (yet), but I see it as more viable for a poly-relationship than a mono-relationship. That is, you're not "limiting" yourselves to this one long-distance relationship, and you're both free to pursue other relationships that fill the need for physical closeness on a daily basis.

I agree YGirl, I think it's more viable because it's poly.
 
Thanks so much for everyone's feedback! I feel encouraged.

Yes, communication and scheduling. I think scheduling is a huge part of it. (Have you seen their calendar! ;) ).

I really love the suggestion of meeting halfway. I hadn't thought of that.
 
I don't have any personal experience with this (yet), but I see it as more viable for a poly-relationship than a mono-relationship.


I definitely see a long distance relationship being more viable for a poly relationship. To take it farther and relate it to a friends situation, I don't see any hope of a mono/poly long distance relationship ever working if longevity is part of how you define success.
 
What do you mean Mono?

I think long distance relationships where both partners are poly are far more viable and rewarding than monogamous ones. A monogamous person could still form a new romantic connection, but they would replace the existing long distance one. I'm not talking "monogamous acting" people or people who choose to live monogamously, just to clarify...I'm talking wired.

Now in the case of a LDR between a mono person and a poly person..I doubt they would last long or be very healthy for either partner. I wouldn't be. The mono would probably be constantly thinking about what new love interests thier poly partner is developing, and the poly partner would be worried that thier mono partner would replace them completely with someone local.

That's how I see it anyways.
 
i'm in a ldr with both my partners, one in NY and the other is in Austraila.

Redwood in NY i see every few months at this point. We talk alot on msn now because i just moved and don't have a phone but have internet. Frosty is in aussieland and all i can say is i LOVE skype. We spend hours talking on there. All 3 of us play online games together and thats something fun we can do. internet has been very helpful. Redwood i see next month for a week :) and Frosty is coming to Canada in november...we hope.
 
I'm with YGirl. Since it's poly, there's no reason to drop the relationship. You're not limited to that one relationship, so you can make the most out of it and still live the rest of your life the way you would otherwise.

My marriage feels like an LDR a lot of the time, with my husband working out of town 10-on/4-off. Right now, he's working 10-14 hours away, and he makes the drive every other weekend. I'm not saying it's easy for him to spend that much driving, and it's hard for me to be on my own so much. He says he likes it because then he can just focus on working, get in some kind of "zone".

I guess it's quite a bit difference since he's coming home and not just visiting. I like to believe I keep a home worth coming home to :)
 
Ah I get what you mean. Yes, that makes a lot of sense. I was thinking that a mono/poly LDR would be the same as a monogamous one, but I hadn't considered what the monogamous person would feel knowing their poly partner could be out meeting someone in person.
 
My marriage feels like an LDR a lot of the time

SC, what do you both do with/for each other to nurture your relationship since it's so distant? Do you have regular nights that you talk? Do you set time aside for each other? What do you do when you miss each other?

Thanks so much for the feedback everyone. :)
 
Dragonmom, wow Australia, that's really far away! Great that you might get to see each other. Skype is wonderful, definitely.
 
Dragonmom, wow Australia, that's really far away! Great that you might get to see each other. Skype is wonderful, definitely.
yeah it is. i wasn't sure if i could/should have a relationship with Frosty as he is alot younger than i am, but we get along so well i would hate to not try just because of age.
 
My husband and I have had a ldr most of our relationship. We lived in different cities for the first year that we were dating and then over the past 7 years we have been apart more than we have been together. It has been a learning experience. If he is somewhere where he can chat we set aside webcam time that is just for us with neither of us multi-tasking chatting to anyone else. There are times that due to his job and where he is that all we have is email. We make the best we can out of it.

I find the hardest part of a ldr is the period of time right before you know that you're going to be apart again for a long period of time. I tend to be really unpleasant during that last bit of time together and I think it is a subconscious thing that I do so that it's easier for him to leave me.

I never find anything awkward about being together again though. We just pick up right where we left off. Would I prefer things were different? Absolutely! But then the grass is always greener, right? With him away I have had to develop my own sense of self and find my own interests and friends. I've also grown to appreciate my own company. I like to be able to do what I want to around the house when I want to do it. I wouldn't have that freedom with a partner around all the time.

-Derby
 
I am in two very satisfying and supportive long-term LDRs, and have been in many LDRs over the years, so I have a bit of experience. ;)

I find that poly supports long distance love relationships better than monogamy because there is generally an understanding that there is still room for local lovers/partners.

Several things I've found that create awesome LDR's are:

1. a dedication to regular verbal communication (this can be about anything, so long as you both find it a satisfying way to connect)

2. a relatively easygoing trust in your partner (communicate this *often*)

3. a vicarious joy in your partner having other people close to them to give snuggles, affection and sex when you're not able to

4. a love of travel and the budget to facilitate this on a regular basis

I'd also stress that thinking about your long distance partner as part of your life even while they're not physically present is important. I love to hear that my LDRs have been talking about me, thinking about me, keeping me present in a variety of ways during their everyday life, and I make sure they know I do the same for them.

There are also strategies for visiting LDRs that I've worked out over the years (I've actually given a workshop on this, lol). Some of these include planning a variety of alone vs social time during a visit (not leaving things to chance) and planning things to do after the visit is over to cope with "withdrawal".

LDR *does* get easier over time, if you can find the right balance of face-time/away-time. Eventually, it becomes another stable relationship and for me they actually add excitement to my life because I have loves that I only see at "special", planned times. Just remember everyone has a place and every place is unique. :)
 
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