Boundaries/Rules

AllRightyThen

New member
How are you doing the rules or boundaries to make sure your SO is not cheating or hiding anything in another relationship? I understand everything is about TRUST however it come across as impossible to believe. Phone calls, texting, messaging, dating sites, e-mails and meet ups are quite a few things to keep in check. Are you freely leaving your cellphones/laptops out in the open/unlocked and accessible for your SO to see? Or is privacy still in play? I am mono and she is undecided for poly or open. She had my ok to go on a dinner date with someone she met online and to return home afterwards. No sex or anything. It was just to be a first date. Went to work and came home. Asked how it went? It was okay she says. Nothing else. Later in the evening I found a disc in the laptop. It showed a graphic video of her and the guy having sex in our own place for well over two hours. WTF? Confronted her about it and her reasoning for recording the encounter was to make sure she be safe? Odd. I asked where they went to dinner? They didn’t go eat and they went straight for sex in our bedroom as soon as I left our place for work. No protection either even though she is on iud. The rules and boundaries really went out the window here. How do you all do it?
 
We start by not opening up a relationship with someone who is that untrustworthy. I’m sorry that happened to you. The answer isn’t to keep tabs on her, the answer is to leave this relationship and focus on finding a relationship with someone you can trust, someone who values your body and their own enough to make good decisions about protection, and who has good enough communication skills that they wouldn’t feel the need to lie about a desire for sex with someone else.

You had no inklings that she had a propensity towards lying/cheating on agreements?
 
Your girlfriend is painting cheating with a "poly" brush.

It is always better to be able to trust your partner, and respect their privacy. However, sometimes we snoop because we know in our gut we are being lied to. Why would she just leave this disc in the computer? It's crazy.

Sorry this happened to you. You deserve better. This is not ethical poly by any means.
 
How are you doing the rules or boundaries to make sure your SO is not cheating or hiding anything in another relationship?

I have no rules or boundries placed upon me other that respect my partners sexual health. And both partners request that I do not have sex with others in their beds.

I understand everything is about TRUST however it come across as impossible to believe. Phone calls, texting, messaging, dating sites, e-mails and meet ups are quite a few things to keep in check. Are you freely leaving your cellphones/laptops out in the open/unlocked and accessible for your SO to see? Or is privacy still in play?

No my partners BOTH deserve privacy. How would you feel if your partner shared every bit of information your relationship with their other partner.

That said... I would not be in a relationship with someone who has no respect for my sexual health or my home.
 
Your girlfriend is painting cheating with a "poly" brush.

It is always better to be able to trust your partner, and respect their privacy. However, sometimes we snoop because we know in our gut we are being lied to. Why would she just leave this disc in the computer? It's crazy.

Sorry this happened to you. You deserve better. This is not ethical poly by any means.

Turns out that she did not film it. She was downloading it off her e-mail from the guy she did it with to the DVD disc. She forgot about it.
 
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How are you doing the rules or boundaries to make sure your SO is not cheating or hiding anything in another relationship?

I have no rules or boundries placed upon me other that respect my partners sexual health. And both partners request that I do not have sex with others in their beds.

I understand everything is about TRUST however it come across as impossible to believe. Phone calls, texting, messaging, dating sites, e-mails and meet ups are quite a few things to keep in check. Are you freely leaving your cellphones/laptops out in the open/unlocked and accessible for your SO to see? Or is privacy still in play?

No my partners BOTH deserve privacy. How would you feel if your partner shared every bit of information your relationship with their other partner.

That said... I would not be in a relationship with someone who has no respect for my sexual health or my home.

I do not do anything of those things for restrictions. She has access to my phone and computer however I don’t to hers. Only rule I had for that 1st date was a meetup dinner to get a “feel” of the guy. We did not get that far for establishing that boundary or rule. I was not expecting such a big jump into it. Nothing about having sex and doing it at our place.
 
Forget figuring out rules and boundaries, this person just put your health at risk by having unprotected sex on a first date with someone and then not telling you about it. Based on the context of your post it sounds like your partner wouldn't have told you had you not found the video, which means your partner would have had sex with you after having unprotected sex with someone else. Anyone willing to expose you to health risks like that isn't worth having a sexual relationship with. RUN.

That isn't poly, that isn't ethical non-manogamy, it's cheating, lying, and deception.
 
How are you doing the rules or boundaries to make sure your SO is not cheating or hiding anything in another relationship? I understand everything is about TRUST however it come across as impossible to believe.

I set a boundary with my partners that if they lie to me or deliberately withhold information that affects me or that falls under an agreement we've made, I will end the relationship. I have also agreed to be completely open and honest with them, though none of them have set a similar boundary of leaving me if I'm not honest. However, we also have very specific agreements about what needs to be shared. More on that below.

Phone calls, texting, messaging, dating sites, e-mails and meet ups are quite a few things to keep in check. Are you freely leaving your cellphones/laptops out in the open/unlocked and accessible for your SO to see? Or is privacy still in play?

I have severe trust issues, and grew up in a situation where I was allowed very little privacy. In my marriage to my kids' father (which ended years ago), I was allowed essentially NO privacy. The result is that if my husband even accidentally reads over my shoulder when I'm on the computer, e.g. if he comes up behind me to give me a hug, I flip out on him. It isn't because I have anything to hide; it's because whatever I'm doing on my computer or phone is none of his frigging business unless I *choose* to tell him. And if it involves someone else, I won't choose to tell him a damn thing without their consent, because otherwise I'm invading *their* privacy. At the same time, my husband knows I keep very little to myself, and trusts me to inform him of things he needs to know.

(Like you, my husband is mono. He has no issues with me being poly, because he's seen that he can trust me. And me seeing other people was *his* idea in the first place.)

I mention above that I have specific agreements with my partners about what is shared. With anyone I'm in an actual relationship with, as opposed to just going on a date with, I inform them that I tend to, without thinking, overshare with other partners. (Mostly with my husband and my boyfriend, who I consider co-anchor partners.) I let them know that I will try to be respectful of their privacy, but that if there's anything they specifically don't want shared, they're best off telling me in so many words, "Don't share this." Even with that in place, though, if I have any doubt whatsoever I still ask, "Is it okay for me to share this?" so I'm not violating their privacy.

As far as agreements about what "has to" be shared, it's pretty simple. A first date with someone new. First sexual encounter with someone new (not details, just the fact that it happened), either beforehand if it's been planned, or as soon after it happens as possible, because we consider that a sexual health thing. Anything that directly affects me, for example illness, or a trip out of town that will result in missing a regular date night. (I try to have a set schedule with each partner.) I ask my boyfriend to tell me each time he has a date, aside from prescheduled date nights with other partners, and for that matter each time he's got something happening with friends, but that's because he's my primary support when my mental health goes wonky, and I try to make sure I don't impact his time with anyone else by texting or calling during a date or gaming afternoon or whatever, unless it's an absolute emergency.

I am mono and she is undecided for poly or open. She had my ok to go on a dinner date with someone she met online and to return home afterwards. No sex or anything. It was just to be a first date. Went to work and came home. Asked how it went? It was okay she says. Nothing else. Later in the evening I found a disc in the laptop. It showed a graphic video of her and the guy having sex in our own place for well over two hours. WTF? Confronted her about it and her reasoning for recording the encounter was to make sure she be safe? Odd. I asked where they went to dinner? They didn’t go eat and they went straight for sex in our bedroom as soon as I left our place for work. No protection either even though she is on iud. The rules and boundaries really went out the window here. How do you all do it?

I don't "do it," because I don't involve myself with people who can't keep their word. If she specifically agreed to "just a date at a restaurant, then home, no sex," and then didn't even go to the restaurant and instead brought the guy home to fuck, she has broken her word, compounded by endangering her sexual health and yours. That isn't how poly is meant to work. Poly works by clear, explicit communication, honesty, and keeping agreements or renegotiating them rather than just ignoring them.
 
They didn’t go eat and they went straight for sex in our bedroom as soon as I left our place for work.

Seems a bit impatient, impulsive and lacking in compassion.

the "we video'd it to be safe" lie is a bit much though... she can't even be honest then? (I'll assume it's a lie, because it's a bit absurd sounding).
 
the "we video'd it to be safe" lie is a bit much though... she can't even be honest then? (I'll assume it's a lie, because it's a bit absurd sounding).

Agreed. That is pretty far-fetched.

If she truly had concerns for her own physical safety in that situation, she would have:

- Made sure they met in a public place as was the original plan and not met ALONE for the first time.

- If meeting alone was the preferred option, but she had concerns, she could have asked someone (you or a trusted friend) to be "around" - either in the house itself or nearby, and let that person know what was going on.

- Ensure they utilised safer sex practices.
 
Hello AllRightyThen,

In this day and age there is really no way to monitor what your SO is up to. Either you can trust them, or you decide how you'll respond if you can't trust them. This may include breaking up with them, and that's where you are right now. Your SO has completely broken her word to you. If you stay with her, you are saying something about how you are willing to be treated. It's like she barely cares if she gets caught, like she wants to get caught. Is she torn between wanting to be honest and not wanting to be honest? Maybe.

What matters is how you feel about all that has gone down. Do you want to stay with your SO? Do you feel violated? Do your SO's actions cross the line for you? How will you move forward from here?

I hope this forum is of some help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
hardest part is,... she probably did it completely with out thought for you, you were not who she was trying to hurt, she was just trying to fulfill sexual desires.

It's hard to keep that in mind... or at least it is for me :cool:
 
A video of sex on a first date.. I wonder who's being blackmailed.......
 
I’ve been a train wreck over this. I’ve checked into a hotel to take a break from her and am taking the week off from work to process my thoughts/feelings. It’s going to be a long week. Thanks to all for the advice/suggestions/sympathy. Really don’t know where to start. I bought a couple books from online and got them today. Thanks Amazon! LOL. Just taking it slow and avoid her for awhile even though she has been calling and texting me like crazy. I turned my phone off so I get some peace.
 
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I'm really, really sorry you're going through this.

This goes way beyond negotiating privacy, so if you're being tormented by thoughts of how you could have handled things better in some way or other, don't.

Take good care of yourself as much as you can right now. Do you have friends, someone who can support you through this time?
 
I'm really, really sorry you're going through this.

This goes way beyond negotiating privacy, so if you're being tormented by thoughts of how you could have handled things better in some way or other, don't.

Take good care of yourself as much as you can right now. Do you have friends, someone who can support you through this time?

Seconded. While many of us have few to no rules in our relationships, fundamentals like honesty (before and after the fact), safety, and respect (at least acknowledgement?) of partners’ reasonable needs have been horribly neglected here. I mean, they’ve kind of been heaped on a bonfire and burned on your doorstep as a beacon of irresponsibility. I can’t see how she is showing that she cares about you in any of this. Where is the love?

Take care of yourself. You seem well-meaning and wanting to trust, to find a way to fit her behavior into some kind of process you can continue in together. But I think you’ll find agreement in your books and among any friends or strangers you consult: she doesn’t seem to be trying to work with you here. If she doesn’t immediately and convincingly express a *lot* of care and commitment to working things out, I wouldn’t expect you to ever trust her going forward. If that’s even possible at this point.
 
No rule can fix anything. A liar will happily agree to any number of rules, then immediately begin to "accidentally" overstep, then weasel around them, then finally just break them. Yelling, tears, melodrama... reconnection, terms of endearment, new rules... lather, rinse, repeat.

If I distrust someone -- whether on a "gut" level or from their behaviors -- there is precisely nothing insofar as "rules" that can make up for that.

I can change expectations, decide that I actually don't care so much about what they are doing (specifically or generally)

...or I can expect they will correct their behavior (hopefully with much conversation between us, which can be a bonding experience)

...or I can say "if this continues, I am leaving" & follow through as necessary.
 
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