SuddenlyStoneElf
New member
Hi everyone,
I have been pondering one of the general messages I've been getting from this forum: "it's not OK to have an unequal relationship as everyone matters equally".
Briefly put I have a problem logically seeing how this can be true, under the assumption that poly "rules" are supposed to be decided and agreed upon by / with *everyone involved*.
This means, if a mono couple opens up to poly where 1 partner now has 2, and this couple decides off the bat that to maintain the happiness of *both* elements of the couple, they will put each other first... this arrangement has to be discussed with any newcomer.
And if any of the three are no longer happy with the arrangement, for example in the case of the newcomer not having enough time with their partner, it has to be rediscussed with everyone involved.
Yet it seems as soon as this is rediscussed, any changes are now ironclad and supersede the previous agreement, which I am supposing was made most likely to ward against NRE weirdness.
My problem comes in where the 2nd element of the previous "couple" realizes they made a mistake renegotiating.
Now they are pretty much screwed and have to accept the new arrangement. Basically this has removed, in some capacity, their ability to say "Honey I made a mistake here, I care about you, please come back so we can work on us some more". By then, the other partner is involved with someone else and that "someone" would get the short end of the stick. I admit that sucks for them, too.
Logically speaking (only, for now--emotions are another deal), I would *never* accept to renegotiate an agreement to give another partner more space because if a mistake is made, one of the 3 people ends up very freaking unhappy!
I may care for the happiness of my partner, but if mine is also to be equally as important and I foresee a situation like the above, I would be really freaking crazy to put my couple at risk by accepting that my partner should have an "equal" partnership to ours with another person.
Because then it stops being equal to me+my partner (See below)! It stops taking into account the nature of our relationship--just because someone else comes along? How is that even sane?
Why does it *have* to be OK for my partner to redefine my life as they redefine theirs?? It should be their choice, sure--but somewhere they have to realize they're impacting their previous partner. And somehow they should not have to care about this? Talk about being selfish.
Life is decided by the order of events just as much as the people we meet--if I had met X before Y, I would have had different experiences that would have shaped me like such, but I didn't, I met Y first. This happens to everyone. Why is it discounted as unimportant in poly?
I feel it cheapens what a relationship is, on both sides--both the old and the new partner get a bad deal.
I feel it would be disrespectful to me AND to my husband to think "Sure honey, your brand-new shiny 3-month-old relationship is equal / the same as the 3/5/7+ years of hard work we've put on our relationship, and it's OK of you to see her as much as the partner you lived through all this with."
Heck no, it's not OK. Heck no, they are not the same.
They are not the same people. There has not been the same amount of experience on either end. They have not overcome an "equal" amount of trials, they haven't gotten to know each other as well, they haven't gotten to share the burdens AND the happinesses of being together.
And as such the idea that they would magically "require" equal splitting is preposterous.
Maybe I'm being too sharp here but it only makes sense to split equally once the new relationship has had time to mature. And given how the old one still exists, fudge, both need proportional amounts of time to stay healthy.
Maybe your proportions won't depend on time, but on depth--at least that's what I would hope for mine. Maybe you get to decide. But ARRRRRRRGH, I wish I could stop reading about "equality" so much.
Equality does not allow for difference, and difference is freaking precious, no? Isn't that one of the foundations of poly?
I feel this whole ideal of "equality" is just another way of making poly "shinier" than anything else. It's the wrong word and it gives a wrong impression!
Comments!? (If I have made you mad, please state that instead of insulting me or being passive-aggressive, thanks!!!!!
I have been pondering one of the general messages I've been getting from this forum: "it's not OK to have an unequal relationship as everyone matters equally".
Briefly put I have a problem logically seeing how this can be true, under the assumption that poly "rules" are supposed to be decided and agreed upon by / with *everyone involved*.
This means, if a mono couple opens up to poly where 1 partner now has 2, and this couple decides off the bat that to maintain the happiness of *both* elements of the couple, they will put each other first... this arrangement has to be discussed with any newcomer.
And if any of the three are no longer happy with the arrangement, for example in the case of the newcomer not having enough time with their partner, it has to be rediscussed with everyone involved.
Yet it seems as soon as this is rediscussed, any changes are now ironclad and supersede the previous agreement, which I am supposing was made most likely to ward against NRE weirdness.
My problem comes in where the 2nd element of the previous "couple" realizes they made a mistake renegotiating.
Now they are pretty much screwed and have to accept the new arrangement. Basically this has removed, in some capacity, their ability to say "Honey I made a mistake here, I care about you, please come back so we can work on us some more". By then, the other partner is involved with someone else and that "someone" would get the short end of the stick. I admit that sucks for them, too.
Logically speaking (only, for now--emotions are another deal), I would *never* accept to renegotiate an agreement to give another partner more space because if a mistake is made, one of the 3 people ends up very freaking unhappy!
I may care for the happiness of my partner, but if mine is also to be equally as important and I foresee a situation like the above, I would be really freaking crazy to put my couple at risk by accepting that my partner should have an "equal" partnership to ours with another person.
Because then it stops being equal to me+my partner (See below)! It stops taking into account the nature of our relationship--just because someone else comes along? How is that even sane?
Why does it *have* to be OK for my partner to redefine my life as they redefine theirs?? It should be their choice, sure--but somewhere they have to realize they're impacting their previous partner. And somehow they should not have to care about this? Talk about being selfish.
Life is decided by the order of events just as much as the people we meet--if I had met X before Y, I would have had different experiences that would have shaped me like such, but I didn't, I met Y first. This happens to everyone. Why is it discounted as unimportant in poly?
I feel it cheapens what a relationship is, on both sides--both the old and the new partner get a bad deal.
I feel it would be disrespectful to me AND to my husband to think "Sure honey, your brand-new shiny 3-month-old relationship is equal / the same as the 3/5/7+ years of hard work we've put on our relationship, and it's OK of you to see her as much as the partner you lived through all this with."
Heck no, it's not OK. Heck no, they are not the same.
They are not the same people. There has not been the same amount of experience on either end. They have not overcome an "equal" amount of trials, they haven't gotten to know each other as well, they haven't gotten to share the burdens AND the happinesses of being together.
And as such the idea that they would magically "require" equal splitting is preposterous.
Maybe I'm being too sharp here but it only makes sense to split equally once the new relationship has had time to mature. And given how the old one still exists, fudge, both need proportional amounts of time to stay healthy.
Maybe your proportions won't depend on time, but on depth--at least that's what I would hope for mine. Maybe you get to decide. But ARRRRRRRGH, I wish I could stop reading about "equality" so much.
Equality does not allow for difference, and difference is freaking precious, no? Isn't that one of the foundations of poly?
I feel this whole ideal of "equality" is just another way of making poly "shinier" than anything else. It's the wrong word and it gives a wrong impression!
Comments!? (If I have made you mad, please state that instead of insulting me or being passive-aggressive, thanks!!!!!