brand new to this and hurting

Rachelina

New member
Hello. I am researching polyamory at the request of my husband. He has fallen in love with a much younger woman (he is 44, I am 37, she is 24). We agree that we are still in love and want to stay together regardless of what happens with her, but he has asked me to be open to letting him have this relationship, and I am struggling so hard with it. My heart is broken and I've become badly depressed; am barely eating or sleeping and have lost interest in everything I used to love. This was a complete shock; I had thought our marriage was great, though now I see that he had unmet needs he was not expressing. So we are going to work on the problems in our marriage, but I still feel rejected and less-loved, because he is very much in love with her and can't let go of that.

They have been on several dates and spent one night together, with my permission, which to me was like cutting off a limb - probably the hardest thing I've ever done. There has been no sex so far, only kissing and cuddling, but to me this is just as painful. I've met her twice now - once shortly before they had the night together, which I insisted on because I didn't think I could tolerate it otherwise. Then last weekend she came over for a more extended time and I got to spend several hours alone with her. We both came to like each other very much and want to be friends. She reassured me that she had no intention of displacing me. But the times when she and my husband were alone together were absolute torture; I felt like I was going mad from jealousy and pain.

I guess my question is, is there any hope that I could come to accept this situation? My husband believes this could be good for me, that she could become a good friend to me and all of our lives would be enriched. There's also the chance that she and I could become involved as well - she is bi, and I have had crushes on girls in the past, though no actual experience. My feelings are unbelievably confused. Part of me sees this as a potentially wonderful adventure, and it is also something that I would like to do as a gift of love for my husband. But most of me is in unspeakable pain. Have you seen situations like this where the initially hurt/reluctant partner was able to grow and eventually thrive in a poly situation? What can I do to deal with the pain and open my heart to this kind of love?

I should add that my husband has said that I'm free to see other people, but I have absolutely no interest in this. The only other person I could imagine getting involved with is her, but I wonder if this is merely obsession - I have this intense need to know her, to know just who it is he fell in love with, to have the same experience even. Probably this is not healthy.

All this is complicated by the fact that she has just moved a great distance away. But she may move back to this area in a year or so, and will definitely be back for holidays and vacations, and will want to see my husband then. I feel like the distance will actually make it harder - instead of this getting resolved one way or the other, there will be this passionate email correspondence and this will remain a future potentiality for a very long time, which I don't know if I can deal with.

I'm corresponding with her also, so that we can get to know each other better. She does know that this is extremely painful for me but is so much in love with my husband that it may be impossible for her to let go of him.

I hope this was halfway coherent; I'm so unhinged with pain and confusion that I fear it might not be. Thank you in advance for any advice or insight you can provide.
 
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I guess my question is, is there any hope that I could come to accept this situation?

My personal feeling is that people can learn to accept whatever they want to. Do you want to?

You could probably search around the forum for similar stories...it rings a familiar tune. The results seem to vary.

At the moment however, it sounds like this has all been dropped on you rather suddenly. It also seems to be ten times harder to introduce poly to a reluctant partner when there's already another partner waiting in the wings so to speak. At least her moving away for a while might give you time to process the feelings you're having.

I'm sure others will jump in with better specifics, and perhaps similar experiences. But my suggestion would be to take some time to learn more about poly, and take things very very slowly. My suggestion to your husband would also be to slow way way down, let go of the fantasies, and be patient. You're probably in for a long road ahead. No need to rush it.

And Welcome to the Forum.
 
Hello rachelina, what a pretty name. I like that.

There are a few questions I have. Its sounds like the age difference is a concern for you. Does this woman have any goals to marry, have babies, career etc.? Because these would be reasons for this not to work out for the long haul or for her to want these things with your husband. This kind of woman is called a cowgirl. One that lassos a man away from a tribe to have him for herself.

Is she poly? Does she have other loves? She may find someone in her new town to fill her needs there eventually when their NRE wears off. Is your husband ready for that?

It kinda bugged that you say your husband says you should do research. Where is he? How come he's not doing it with you? And who says he knows everything there is to know about poly? Or is this how you interpetted what he said?

It sounds like you and them are doing everything you can do at the moment. They sound deep in NRE (new relationship energy). That sucks for you, but, it does die down eventually. Unfortunately with LDRs (Long distant relationships) this takes longer. With me and Mono it took about 8 months of crazy NRE and then it was a simmer for a long time. Still simmering after almost 2 years.

I suggest you AND your husband and this woman do some reading on here. Your story is not different than many people here going through similar stuff. You may find some solace in knowing you are not alone and some comfort in knowing how others have and are managing.
 
Sorry I find the quoting thing really hard to use so I've bolded my responses it's going to look weird but please bear with me.
I guess my question is, is there any hope that I could come to accept this situation?

Yes of course there is hope :) I for one am living proof and there are others. There is a link at the bottom of this post to my blog. Check out the post on jealousy and you will see that I was exactly where you are not that long ago. It has taken me a couple of years to get to the place I am today but the process would have been a lot smoother if I had done what your husband has suggested for you: researched and involved myself on online forums.

There is a lot of reading on my blog that will help and one of the reasons I started it was so that I wouldn't have to keep repeating myself. You are not alone in your experience it happens quite often and there are lots of people who have dealt with it and come out the other end stronger, better for it and with amazing relationships.

Have you seen situations like this where the initially hurt/reluctant partner was able to grow and eventually thrive in a poly situation?

I am living it

What can I do to deal with the pain and open my heart to this kind of love?

Firstly try to relax a bit and just breathe. Then read as much as you can and take baby steps to tackle each issue as it comes up. Remember that it's a process and will not all be better overnight.

The only other person I could imagine getting involved with is her, but I wonder if this is merely obsession - I have this intense need to know her, to know just who it is he fell in love with, to have the same experience even. Probably this is not healthy.

Depends, I think it's great that you have met and enjoy each other but I do agree with Redpepper about her age. I'd say enjoy her where possible but maintain a healthy protection around your heart it is obviously feeling very vulnerable at the moment and more than a little battered.

All this is complicated by the fact that she has just moved a great distance away. But she may move back to this area in a year or so, and will definitely be back for holidays and vacations, and will want to see my husband then. I feel like the distance will actually make it harder - instead of this getting resolved one way or the other, there will be this passionate email correspondence and this will remain a future potentiality for a very long time, which I don't know if I can deal with.

You have got more than enough to deal with right here and now don't let your mind wander into future possibilities that you have no control over and that may never happen.

I think you have the right sort of attitude to make this work.

Smiles and Hugs
 
Thank you both for your thoughtful replies. My husband has read and appreciates them also.

There are a few questions I have. Its sounds like the age difference is a concern for you. Does this woman have any goals to marry, have babies, career etc.? Because these would be reasons for this not to work out for the long haul or for her to want these things with your husband. This kind of woman is called a cowgirl. One that lassos a man away from a tribe to have him for herself.

Is she poly? Does she have other loves? She may find someone in her new town to fill her needs there eventually when their NRE wears off. Is your husband ready for that?

It kinda bugged that you say your husband says you should do research. Where is he? How come he's not doing it with you? And who says he knows everything there is to know about poly? Or is this how you interpetted what he said?

She doesn't have these goals right now; she is still so young that she's just exploring life. I don't think she is a "cowgirl" at all. She doesn't want him for herself. She has personal reasons for wanting to be the secondary person in a poly relationship, and was interested in polyamory even before she met my husband. She doesn't have other loves now; this one is all-consuming. My husband is perfectly ready for her to find love in her new town and downgrade their relationship to a close friendship; it would certainly simplify our lives. But his feelings for her are such that as long as she is interested in him, it will be extremely difficult for him to detach from her.

Actually we were researching polyamory together and found this site together; I just meant it was his idea that we do that. He doesn't think he knows everything about poly but he does know exactly what he wants and so doesn't have much to sort out or ask for advice on, whereas I am the one that is hurt and confused and needs help. So that's why it's me posting, but he's very interested in the replies I get. I'll try and convince him to join and post his side of things.

It's true that we are in for a long road ahead and there is no need to settle everything now. I'm just having a hard time living with this pain, of knowing that part of his heart is with her. I do want to accept this, it's just very very difficult. It's going to be hard living with this uncertainty for months and months to come.

Thank you again for your support. I'm looking forward to reading this site and learning all I can.
 
Oh, thank you so much, Sage! We posted at the same time so I hadn't seen your reply when I wrote that last post. Your thoughts are very helpful and I will check out your blog right now.
 
I know its hard to understand, but speaking as a poly woman in a functional long term poly relationship, your husband has not separated his heart, he has expanded it. That expansion means more love for you too. He gets to see how much you love him by sacrificing your comfort for his in the initial out set. If he is anything like me, he is loving you far beyond what he thought possible as he is feeling added love for someone elsewhere.

I'm glad you are reading around and checking out the links. There are many of us who have been here a long time who know what has been discussed. There are some really great threads that go into great detail and then there are great threads that just point out that we are all in the same boat and can rely on each others journeys to feel comfort in our own.

*hugs* to you, its a hard journey to start but you will find, I think, that your depth of knowledge about yourself and your relationship with your husband will be incredible. The connections that can be built are beyond what you might think is possible. I'm excited for you. :)
 
Hi Rachelina, (yes lovely name!)

I'll toss out a couple comments relative to questions you asked. Maybe they'll be of some help...

............., but he has asked me to be open to letting him have this relationship, and I am struggling so hard with it. My heart is broken and I've become badly depressed; am barely eating or sleeping and have lost interest in everything I used to love.

Good start - at least you and he are approaching it intelligently.
I can totally understand the shock/depression etc. It's hard when the models we built turn out to false or structurally weak. We thought we were in some safe zone. Remember Santa and the Tooth Fairy. Major depressing events. Keep perspective, this is really not much different. After the shock passes it will get easier - especially where you are adding a learning component to it ! Way to go !


So we are going to work on the problems in our marriage, but I still feel rejected and less-loved, because he is very much in love with her and can't let go of that.

Working on issues that may have lain below the surface is how relationships get stronger. It may not be big things either - maybe just lack of deep conversation. That's pretty common in relationships - coasting along, not wanting to rock the boat, avoid the tricky topics (which sometimes aren't as tricky as we thought :) )


I guess my question is, is there any hope that I could come to accept this situation? My husband believes this could be good for me, that she could become a good friend to me and all of our lives would be enriched.

Absolutely there is hope ! it's happened to most of the people here and most have come out the other side better in some way. That said, it's not for everyone either. But I suggest approaching it like you would any other serious endeavor like a skill, profession etc. Be totally open, assume nothing, study, think & absorb. Then see if it makes sense.


Have you seen situations like this where the initially hurt/reluctant partner was able to grow and eventually thrive in a poly situation? What can I do to deal with the pain and open my heart to this kind of love?

Yes - seen it numerous times !
What can you do ? Reread above. The pain is real but temporary. If you believe in being open, being a loving person in general, building solid, genuine relationships with people then you may slip quite naturally into it. But like slipping into a cold mountain stream - the first touch is still a shock. Spend some time and it feels wonderful. :)

Now.............

That all being said........

There's a certain fascination with mid/older guys with younger girls. Always been that way - always will be. No point in going into all the reasoning for it here.
No matter how this particular relationship pans out long term - EVERYONE is going to come away with a bit of a different outlook on life & love. That alone will be worth it in my opinion. It's up to you (all) whether this knew outlook is a positive addition or not. If it was me, that would be my goal.

Destination unknown, journey fascinating & exciting.

Good luck - keep us posted :)

GS
 
your husband has not separated his heart, he has expanded it. That expansion means more love for you too. He gets to see how much you love him by sacrificing your comfort for his in the initial out set. If he is anything like me, he is loving you far beyond what he thought possible as he is feeling added love for someone elsewhere.

My husband read this and said that this is exactly what he feels. It's still hard for me to comprehend, but I do want to challenge my heart to love in this new way. Thank you for your comments and hugs. No, it's not annoying that you're excited for me! My feelings are like a rollercoaster but there are times when I'm starting to feel excited about it too.

But like slipping into a cold mountain stream - the first touch is still a shock. Spend some time and it feels wonderful. :)

What a beautiful analogy this is. Thank you for all your comments, Grounded Spirit. Everything you said was insightful and helpful.

EVERYONE is going to come away with a bit of a different outlook on life & love. That alone will be worth it in my opinion.
Destination unknown, journey fascinating & exciting.

That is what I am hoping. Thank you again!
 
Poly tends to bring up all kinds issues, both in yourself and in your realtionship. The beauty of it is that although it is terribly uncomfortable at first working on things as they come up tend to make you and your relationship stronger.

You said in your original post that before your husband brought poly up to you that you thought you had a great marriage. It seems to me that you do have a great marriage. He came to you and talked about what's going on for him. He could have gone behiend your back and cheated on you but it seems to me that he loves you and that he really wants to stay married to you. I also see a lot of respect from him and his girlfriend in that they are moving slowly to allow you time to adjust and to feel what you need to feel.

Get to know her as a person. Find things that you have in common. It's amazing to see what someone loves about you when you see it in someone else. Also appreciate your differences. You are able to fill needs for him that she can't and vice versa just because you both are who you are. I wouldn't suggest going into this planning on getting together with her as well. You say that you like her, work on building a friendship and if romantic feeling develop follow your heart.

Take care of yourself. Do things, even little things, that you like. Also ask your husband for what you need from him. It can be really simple. One of the things my husband does for me that reminds me that I'm important to him is that when he's home he makes me a cup of coffee in the morning...really not a big deal in it's self but it shows me that he's thinking of me and what I would like. There is hope, it doesn't happen overnight but from the story so far it seems to me that you're on the right track.

-Derby
 
Hey Rachelina

Can't add a lot to what the earlier posters have said except to say that you are definitely not alone. I am in the same position as your husband, let me repeat that your acceptance and tolerance will have humbled and amazed him, as my Dory's did me. It is quite something to be loved that much.

What you might not have quite internalised is how much of a liberation poly can be, if like me you have been repressing it for years. I find I can better express my love for Dory now it is free from the implicit exclusivity, and in many ways appreciate what we DO have, now I have ways to explore the things we don't share, and probably never could.

I sincerely wish you the smoothest possible ride to an open and honest set of relationships. Please keep posting from time to time so that others that follow you can see how things unfold for you.

Rusty
 
update: our girl is coming!

Hello everyone. First of all thank you to everyone who responded to me so kindly and helpfully. And thank you to everyone who makes this forum happen - even though I don't post much since I'm such a beginner, I've been on here just about every day for the past several months and have learned so much from all of you.

A lot has changed since I posted last and I've been meaning to update. The main thing is that my husband's girlfriend (who has moved to the opposite side of the country) and I have become very close - through long emails almost daily, and sending each other letters, packages and videos (of ourselves reading stories and poems or just talking). It has been an unexpected and lovely development, and I have found myself in NRE even more than my husband is! They have had a similar correspondence too of course, and also spoken on the phone a few times, which we haven't.

Now she will be coming for a 2-week visit (which I think she'll spend maybe half of with us). She'll be here next Thursday. I'm both excited and terrified. I guess my main fear is that I will be overwhelmed by pain and jealousy, as I was when I first found out about this in the summer. From a distance it's all very well, but it's about to become much more real. They will want to have a night alone together, sex will not be off the table this time and I have no idea if I'll be able to handle that.

I'm also nervous about bonding with her: in our emails we have gotten to the point of saying "I love you" to each other, but we've only met in real life twice, and both of those times were very painful to me. I guess it's just normal uncertainty and I just need to wait and see what kind of chemistry arises naturally between us. But I also feel there's a lot of pressure to have her visit go well, since she is thinking about moving back here sometime next year, and I'm sure that how this visit goes will play a role in her decision.

So, I would welcome any words of advice or encouragement! Any red flags? (you guys are so good at noticing them!) I guess I will have more specific questions or issues to talk about, during and after her visit.
 
Hi Rachelina,

my only red flag would be worry for you about the speed with which things are happening. Reading your first post I thought I was looking at a mono in a brand new V and was going to offer my limited experience to say it can work; now it's a possible triad, which is outside my experience.
But everybody is different , like in other areas of human experience some people do best when they just jump in and start swimming.
I wish you the best of luck. Be prepared for bumps and tears along the way and also great joys. :D and you will be OK
 
Hi Rachelina

I don't think you are talking about a triad necessarily. I have had a similarly confusing time coming to grips with the relationship that as a mono I can have with my metamour. It can be close without being sexual.

Anyway I have very little time but read my last post (which isn't because I've decided to keep my blog going). That post was written when Z's OSO came to stay. It wasn't nearly as painful as I imagined it would be. We had a lovely time together and it allowed everything to really settle for me.

It will be fine.
 
Thank you! Yes, this isn't necessarily going to be a triad....we don't know yet. It seems like the definitions may be a bit blurred in our case. All I feel sure of right now is that there will be something special between me and her.

My fear is that the pain and jealousy I feel when the two of them are together will wreck things. I've already made up my mind that I will never ask my husband to break up with her (which he is willing to do, reluctantly, if I absolutely can't stand it). And that resolution started out as something I wanted to do for him, but now it's more about her. She has had a few relationships but my husband is her first real love....how could I ever take that from her? I couldn't; I love her and would sacrifice my heart to save hers. But she and he are both very much concerned for my well-being; they feel terrible about the pain I have been through already and they won't be happy if I'm not happy. So.....I want to be happy!
 
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