Stepping Out

have had massive wind & hail storms here last night and this morning. and Z just spent his entire memorial day weekend plus leveling and grass-seeding his yard. ugh.
i can hear the hail hitting the roof and porch this morning as i type....last night it was golf-ball sized, this morning probably more like quarter-sized....and hey, it's june. ah well. that's life in the bible-belt-buckle.

after long and somewhat progressive/productive talks a couple of weeks ago, J has mostly gone radio silent again. he was happy that we were spending more time together, but when he realized that i "could share," he's again withdrawn. mono and low self-esteem are in his genes. (that's not a summarizing statement of who he is, but of the situation as it stands.)

and i feel myself glad that Z is taking time to himself during his week-long vacation from work. recently i find (again) that i make a lot of personal and daily decisions based upon what i think he needs, wants, and likes - OVERriding my own. it's my subconscious trying to play Wifey out of boredom, stagnation, habit... but i've had a couple dreams in the past few weeks that tell me it wants to do otherwise - very subtle and sensual dreams about a classically "tall, dark & handsome" man whom i don't know well (not a fictional character), who has equally subtly expressed interest some time back.

i seem to fall in lust, get close, the love & caring comes on, then eventually i'm TOO close, and the desire disappears while the caring & tenderness often intensifies. and then i find i'm trying to spoon-feed the once-object of my desire like an infant. it's like the nurturing mother-instinct takes over and the wolf fades to the background. i don't know if it's from a desire not to hurt or be hurt....but it sucks. i need to learn to maintain a healthy, encouraging, and mutually self-sufficient distance.

and now an old interest pops up....Shade.

M has been more or less my type. beautiful big man, beautiful voice. and wicked-funky bassist. (yup, i luv the ones who can hold down the bottom end in their sleep.) we had a whirlwind emotional fling a few years back while i was seeing J that Phariseeically (yes, my own term) pounded the edges of the definition of physical sex on all sides while remaining "innocent" (yeah right) because we practically did everything *except* fuck.

Shade was in love with me then. i was in love with J, and while adoring Shade and the attention and validation he showered me with (he cooks, hosts, loves, drinks, makes music, works, and does the father-thing all with great gusto and lust for life), *needed* J and his introverted, vid-game-geeking, clinically depressed, negativistic, cynical, sweet ass so much that i could and would not leave him, for myself or another man. so, understandably, Shade and i both got tired of playing that game and running that spiral-in/pull-back gauntlet several nights a week, and he finally made the outright move to cut it off. wisely.

since then, massive change in both our lives, and now we have reconnected purely as friends.

i realize in seeing him last week that simply the thought of being IN love (or even NRE) nearly disgusts me at this point. all the time i spend trying to caretake for men anyway...i can't imagine thinking about someone else all damn day or baking his favorite oatmeal cookies every time i think i'm going to see him.

i went and re-read the "solo poly" section of Tristan Taormino's "Opening Up" last night before bed...it's so settling and reassuring to reorient myself that way. i am one who can lose myself in a partner's needs, directions, desires - become nearly totally saturated and assimilated...and seriously lose myself in the process, waking up some morning in the future feeling totally flatlined and disoriented from my own life.
Z LOVES the way i often dote on and take care of him, as i fall into the habit of doing, but he's only vaguely aware of the fact that it's often more the habit than the desire of "playing wife". and i feed off his grateful response, which can be beautiful if intention is pure, but can be very "trapping" and habit-reinforcing otherwise. ugh.

my want and inclinations to practice poly have as much to do with figuring out (and loving) myself and all that's going on in the deep, dark, entangled inside of a human as it does loving the beauty of other humana in my circles....
 
WHAT am i DOING....?!

i'm not sure i'm even in the right place. i can be easily tossed about by heavy emotional storms....there's been a lot happen since i've been here a couple weeks ago.

quick recap for my own sake: for two years now i've been more or less coupled with Z, a man who has since become my closest friend, with whom i'm not and never have been in love, but whom i love very much. the progression of our relationship from "just friends" to "sexual friends" happened quickly and coincided with the end of my last relationship with a longtime friend of his, J.

Z and i have had our extreme ups and downs, but for the most part we are pretty level in our relationship at this point. i can't see us not staying at this level of friendship - admittedly, i'm afraid of such a rift occurring between us - because ours is the first male/female friendship i've ever really had where i can talk to him about absolutely anything, and even though voices may get raised and we may not come to a total understanding on whatever subject, he has caused me to believe in the deepest part of me that he won't abandon me as a friend. we may go back to being "just" friends; we may anger each other or not talk for a few days; but even when these things happen, we miss each other's presence. i appreciate him for his acceptance of the parts of me i don't want just anybody to know about; the parts i'm not proud of; the immature and childish parts.
to say: we're solid as friends.

i was in love with J, my ex, for a long time. even as we were breaking up two years ago, i may still have been in love with him. but i knew i couldn't really even attempt living a freer lifestyle while with him, so - break both our hearts though it did - i left. the fact that i hooked up with a mutual friend in the meantime was the match that lit the house on fire, causing The Fallout.

since then, J and i have been able to talk some and level quite a bit. but we both still love each other and sometimes it seems avoidance is the best tactic, esp at points when, say, we're hanging out at his house and playing video games, and time comes for me to leave, but i'd really rather stay the night with him, and just snuggle up to him and hold him tight all night like we used to. he can be lonely and depressed...and so can i. we were good medicine for each other's abandonment issues to be sure.

i love one of these men - Z - as my closest and best friend. we're often great with each other in bed, too. and we love snuggling each other. he's mono - book open and closed - but he's agreed to basically let me do whatever my heart leads me to do, because he knows i need this time in life to do just that, as long as i am blatantly honest with him about everything i do, whether before or after. i trust him completely; he is a rock for me, and we sharpen each other "as iron sharpens iron."

i love the other one - J - because i fell in love with him at a point when he was really low, and i found the goodness and softness of his heart before i realized i was physically attracted to him. in him i feel that "home" that stems from an intuitive recognition of the similarities in how we grew up, our "programming," all i see in him of my father, and how safe and cared for he makes me feel. he felt like "home" from day one....i just had to grow up and leave home to do other things, too.

problem is...the latter pretty much hates the former at this point because of how things went down, and the former has long since stopped trying to communicate or repair their friendship at this point because of the latter's constant refusal to reciprocate. there is nothing i can say or do to change this right now.

i've spent the past two years splitting my heart and soul between a) trying to put some of my focus on figuring out and digging into things i truly want; b) trying to be good to Z; and c) trying to repair any semblance of friendship/relationship with J.

initially there was a lot of pain, confusion, and general hell. two years later, i've gained strength, direction, clarity, courage, and sense of self. now i am happy...for the most part.

but i find i can't let J go in the deep parts of me, nor do i find the desire in me to latch onto and couple up with Z like i once did J.

these men are mono.

i DO get jealous, but i do love them both. i don't want to be owned. and as a result, even though i'm human and have my own programming to deal with, i'm willing to reciprocate. at least to try.

i am finding that my own poly identification is more on the emotional side than the sexual. i don't need more sex in my life. once in a while - maybe once a month - i awake with a real appetite for it. otherwise, it's a part of my life that i enjoy because i can please someone i love SO much with it.

(that's part of the reason Z decided to basically open our relationship FOR me, i think: he is very happy with what is between us, and after both of us solemnly mulling over one of my crazy, toeing-the-line, pressure-release-valve nights with friends several weeks ago, he sat me down and told me, "you do absolutely anything you truly want to do in the moment, because i don't ever want to take that away from you - i love the freedom of the creature you are. just be very honest with me about all you do, because as long as we are sleeping together, it all involves me." he knew that if i did not have this freedom, i would have to leave.)

_________________________________

a few months ago, when Z and i decided basically to change our "working title", i started hanging out more with J. we talked some about what was between myself and Z, both because he asked and because i felt he needed to know the truth.

in the past few years, i've gone from being a tell-you-as-little-as-i-can-get-away-with girl to a tell-you-way-too-much-unless-you-stop-me, because i was hiding things, lying, omitting, bending the truth. and it hurt people i loved, as well as myself. NOW, you get all you can take hearing from me until you shut me up or draw the line.

well, apparently J wanted to know, but he wanted to hear what he wanted to hear, too. for a while, we were talking daily, and hanging out once a week. then it slacked off...once it was apparent that i wasn't going to simply swing back into the ways of the old relationship we'd had, that if there was going to be anything between us, it was going to be a very different thing and require a lot of bending, working out, talking out, etc. eventually i didn't hear from him much.

it's not what he wants.

after it being weeks, maybe a month, since we exchanged more than a one-line text, i texted him today. got no reply. called him this evening, and he more or less flamed on me. told me without a doubt that he loves me and hates making me cry, but he can't stand the fact that i'm with Z, and probably couldn't stand it if i was with anyone else. that he loves me, misses me, misses having a friend who will really listen and sympathize, misses the way he could talk to me; the way we'd hold each other....

he felt like i got his hopes up. when i felt like i was telling him the truth about what was going on.

blah blah blah, i'm making myself cry again.

about once, sometimes twice a month, my missing him - that longing and wondering if our relationship had truly run its whole course - swells up in me and overwhelms me. and i'll make some contact with him, usually enough to feel okay and tell myself that we're okay as friends and we truly do care about each other, and then it'll die down enough and i'll get busy enough with life and Z and things i enjoy that i don't think too much about it....and then it'll swell up in me again.

lately i've found a little more of that fatherly/home sense in Z...but i feel like i'm trying to substitute. ugh.

so much for working polyamory. LOL pretty lame, huh? =/ feel like i'm going about things all wrong.

trying to make the best of it by throwing myself into creation mode with all this raw fodder...
 
sad. :(

Z and i had to call it off for real this week.

i pushed him away, and he accepted that. it was time. too much emotional rollercoaster for both of us, and i finally wore his patience thin.

he is my best friend. i miss him so much right now. all i can do is cry. i wish he would change his mind and just show up, but i know that wouldn't fix anything.
it would be like a drug: fix the immediate problem by taking another hit to make the withdrawals subside, but you're really adding to the ultimate problem by feeding it.

my therapist says we are finally getting down to the real work of it in going over my parents divorce and my early life. he says i have huge abandonment issues. i had only barely thought about this. i've always been told - and mostly believed - that i have commitment issues.

i've never thought of myself as wounded - only as one who wounded others. a voice in my head says that if i accept that idea, i'm only feeling sorry for myself, and that's no good.

i feel like i have been abandoned...but first by myself.

i told him i really wanted to come by his place after work and hug him, but i knew i would just cry all over him, although i didn't want to change his mind, and he was right; separation is best for both of us - so if he didn't want to meet up, that was okay, i understood.

his last text to me today was, "i don't think meeting one more time this evening would be a good idea for me. i'm sorry. please know that i do love you very, very much, and that's not going to change no matter what happens. don't worry about losing me forever or me turning against you, it just can't happen. this will work out in time and i'll be here for you no matter what, i promise."

i hold onto this right now like a sacred text, like a last letter from a loved one. i know, i'm being melodramatic. i still feel like someone has died, and i ache clear through to my bones.

maybe i really don't belong here, among all of you who can successfully love more than one person without clinging like this. right now i'm just posting to get it out of me.

going to sleep.

peace

BMB
 
back again

i read over my past posts the other day and saw where most of it seems to be so much anxious, whining running back & forth from one person's wishes to another's, with little to no clarity on my own part as to my own feelings and wishes.

have been going back to therapy and doing very well. it came to me recently that this phase of my life has been/is very much about teaching myself that i don't need someone else as a guide; that i can trust my own desires and intuition; my own common sense and experiential wisdom is plenty good enough to make my own decisions; and i can make them and blaze my own trails where needed.

i see where i've often stopped short of standing by decisions i've made and taking steps i've wanted to because of fear of hurting or alienating a loved one.
i see also where i've faked feelings and moved like a zombie through behaviors that i didn't really feel - out of feelings of shame, fear, and guilt.

i've spent enough time alone, both recently and in earlier years, that i have zero problem with it. at this point in my life, i'm more comfortable rolling solo than i am with another person for very long. i sleep alone easily. life is not difficult this way.

i'm just wrapping up reading Heinlein's "Stranger in a Strange Land." great book; recommended reading for anybody, not just potential polys. at one point in the reading, this billboard appeared center stage in my mind:

DROP THE GUILT.

so been trying that for a while. guilt seems to be the gateway to the other two (shame & fear). have been mostly successful at noticing when it arises, and then basically chucking it in the trash - choosing consciously to feel otherwise. it's been a godsend.

________________________

one man wants you for himself, and he steps up on his little soapbox when you speak how you feel. he speaks from his own narrowminded view of mainstream "morality." when i try to tell him everything, it's too much. when i tell him as little as he absolutely needs to know, it's too little and you've been withholding or lying. "if you love me, i don't see HOW you can love HIM."

really? then that's YOUR problem.

another says that it's great with him to be friends and have sex, but he draws the line at my sharing physical intimacy with another man, whether or not there is actual penetration. if that comes into the picture, he's got to leave and find another.

okay. then go your way, with my best wishes and love in my heart.

_________________________

i've been taking what are babysteps for me. i've felt myself, my heart & spirit, opening up to possibilities unthought-of before. but even people who love you and want to share parts of their lives with you can still put too much pressure on you - whether or not they realize it - still to conform to their own ways, their wants. if you are an emotional sponge and a pleaser, like me, this can cause you to put pressure on YOURSELF, which is the LAST thing i've needed lately.

had to stop trying to please anybody else but myself for a while. sure it's selfish - in the healthiest way. it's been really good for me.

________________________

good to come back and catch up on some of you.

BMB
 
update. been a while.

so J and i went out last tuesday, had a few beers, and talked some. the conversation didn't get too heavy, but we're going riding motorcycles this afternoon, and i feel like it could and SHOULD get to that heavy place.

Z was really cool with me going out with J. i'd told him just previously that we'd seen a little much of each other/i hadn't been getting the solo time i needed, so by the time i'd gone out with J, we hadn't seen each other for a day or two, and it was another two before we saw each other again, but he (Z) responded to my date with J and my time alone with little more than a slight distance between us, plus he never failed to text me and just check in upon occasion, sending "good night" or "just reaching out to touch base " texts at least once a day. this kind of thing makes me feel very good about me, him, and the state of our relationship as friends + lovers.

it was just this past tuesday that J and i saw each other, and the energy was good. it'd been a couple of months since we'd seen each other, so there were feelings between us similar to NRE all over again. we laughed and goofed and talked about friends and life, but never really went into depth on the rest of our daily lives.

the last hangout session before this one didn't end well at all because neither of us wanted to talk about what was really going on in the rest of our lives because we knew it'd spoil the evening. J would get pissed that my mind and position hadn't changed from "i love you and miss you in my life, but i'm polyamorous" (explanation/description/s go/es here) "and i would love to see more of you, but there are a couple of other people i'm very close to and i won't sacrifice my other relationships or my autonomy for an exclusive one with you or anyone else."

friday (yesterday) J asked if we could hang out some this weekend. i said yes, that'd be great, and suggested the motorcycle ride if the weather cooperated. he said great.

i also had an interview friday morning for a job i'd REALLY like to have, so my nerves were a little shot to begin with, but then i got a text from Z (we'd been in touch via text all morning thus far) asking if we could talk some that evening. well, that just shot my nerves up even further, because our history is pretty replete with "i need to talk later" texts, which have in the past signaled some volcanic upheaval (and hard conversation makes me really emotional anyway!), and we're both worrywarts. so all day i worried about it, though i was pretty sure he needed a check-in talk about how i felt about J and where my intentions were.

turns out that was correct. we sat down on his couch last evening and i told him everything i felt: i love him (Z) very much, he is my best friend, and our relationship has been a continuing catalyst for growth in my life that i've needed very much, and i can't think of anything i want to change about us. also, that i still loved J very much, and i know i can be sentimental and nostalgic about him and our past relationship (Schrodinger's Cat is right: i have nurtured these feelings and sentiments whether i realized it or not); i know there is an unwillingness in my heart to let go of the possibility that he may wake up and really HEAR what i am saying, combined with what i am trying to show him and the life i am trying to live, and see the possibility that simultaneous intimate relationships with more than one person might work, and well - and that even if that's not the case for him, it may well be the case for ME. i haven't let go of the hope that he might someday be able to see me for who i am and realize that the similar feelings that i have for him and others are not a bad thing, but could possibly a very good thing.

i told Z straight up that i KNEW it was not a possibility at this time (and so not to think that i was asking or pushing in that direction), but if it were a possibility, i could and would be happy having a very similar relationship with J as i do with him. we talked about the details involving that, and i was right - for him, it is not a possibility at this time, and mostly because of J's refusal to be friends with Z at this point, although he conceded that it might be a possibility in the future - there is simply no way to know, it's hypothetical at best right now.

he also told me straight up that he thought i needed to lay ALL this out for J just as i had for him, without wavering. no letting up when the air got thick and things felt scary and tough. i know he's right; my gut says the same thing. i wonder now if it needs to happen this afternoon when i see J...or should i put it all in a letter, so that i can say EXACTLY what i feel and think, without the feedback loop of J's nonverbal responses to what i'm saying constantly influencing what comes out of my mouth and how it comes out?

but Z heard me, heard all this; he listened well and was gentle - things he knows i need. he was wonderful. i cried anyway, just because that's how i am. for clarification, he repeated back to me in his own words what he thought he'd heard.

i'm telling you...this guy is awesome. i am seriously grateful for his continued directness, and that he wants to be such a close friend to me.

then we had dinner and crashed out for the night.

i'm working this morning, but this afternoon J and i get together this afternoon. we'll see how things go. i think i'm about to start the letter.

Z has a gig tonight. i'm there. i love to go see/hear him play and support him and the rest of the guys in the band.

____________

also: i was reading this post on Solopoly.com:
http://solopoly.net/2012/08/20/singl...orous-why-yes/

and what resonated with me was this:

"I would cling too strongly to my relationship, rather than develop a strong core of independent emotional awareness and resilience."

this underlined for me what i already kind of knew: i get blown about by all this because what i have so far FAILED to establish is that STRONG core. i've been journalling a lot about that lately and some interesting things have come to light...things for me to work on, ways to build that.

happy saturday, all.
 
curveball

after yet another cycle (breakup, back together, things go great, the same things are suddenly terrible and we're too close, i want out, breakup), Z asks me very gently if i know anything about Borderline Personality Disorder. (he said he'd never heard of it himself until he stumbled across it doing some of his own online research on poly.)

i read everything i can get my hands on about it for the next few days, and *BINGO*. it fits too well. most of it, except for the rage part. i'm very, very seldom to never filled with anger or rage - but i think that what happens is, what MIGHT have been anger gets subverted by feelings of helplessness and deep shame, and it comes out as gut-wrenching sorrow and despair.

and suicide: i've never tried to kill myself. there've been a handful times over the past few years (and a fewer times further back than that) that i've had suicidal thoughts. but i couldn't go through with it. and i never told him.

panic and anxiety; depression; huge mood swings in short times; frantic attempts to thwart (perceived) abandonment; compulsive behaviors; lack of identity; frequent changes in core values, friendships, careers, sexual identity; dissociation/depersonalization, and more...

"GET AWAY FROM ME - DON'T LEAVE ME!!"

so i guess i'm here to apologize for the messes i often was all over the page/screen....i don't think i ever really belonged here. i've been clinging hard to two men for three years now...not being the brutally honest, caring, responsible individuals that i see most others on this forum being.

have an appointment to get evaluated/tested for BPD. maybe i can start getting my shit straight instead of wallowing in place and dragging others with me.

peace.

BMB
 
I don't have BPD. I was, however, pretty much a mess.

Since I've posted here, I've spent considerable time on my own, which is what it took for me to get my head clear and clean up some of my emotional mess. I learned to recognize again when i was leaning on Z and others to provide answers or direction in my life. I was essentially putting the responsibility for my stability and happiness in others' hands, and then getting strung out and resentful when I was not stable, happy, or content. Learning to own my shit again, I guess is the essence of it.

My day gig is going well and I'm back into my music, writing and performing on a more regular basis again. I didn't realize how much not having that outlet was affecting me negatively.

My mind has been one of my worst enemies for a lot of my life. I've thought too much, thought things so far out, and found myself living in my head so much, instead of being present. Recently it's been easier to recognize this and bring myself back to what's actually happening here and now, instead of living out the cinema in my head.

Z and I are close still. Probably closer than ever since I haven't been acting quite like such a child. J and I are closer than we have been, and just friends. We keep in touch, talk a little more often, and when the opportunity has arisen for things to get dramatic...they haven't. Cliche or not, I have been closer to myself than I have in a long while, and it's...really nice. Things have been great in comparison to six months ago.

All for now.
 
clarity....

I suppose I’m thoroughly Libra. It can take me a long time to gather my thoughts, get clear, and put them into words.
Things have been good. Autumn is my favorite season (again, Libra) – I love the way the chill creeps in, the days get shorter, the leaves turn shades of gold & fire and crackle as the wind blows through them and blows them across pavements and about your boots.

I feel calm and pretty clear most of the time.

Z and I took a week’s vacation to the mountains in the southwest in mid-October (coinciding with my bday), and we had a few wonderful days of relaxation and unwinding in a gorgeous environment. We rented a little house in the middle of nowhere – but close enough to a local grocer and several wineries/breweries that we got out and had some tasty fun. And the whole trip went great. Very easy; very tender and warm.
In the past, most of our vacations came out otherwise – with us needing to spend a week or so away from each other in the aftermath. It was great to have this one go well. Also, he kind of fell in love with a place that I fell in love with as a youngster – he sees the beauty in it like I do, feels its spell and draw. That made me smile.

A switch flipped for us sometime in the past few months. I worked to shut down my obsessive, circling thoughts, and he made a compromise that helped me believe that it’s possible to be with my best friend and still have other loves and romances and excitements in my life. He basically said, “I know you still love J, and he still loves you. So do what you feel. If you’re not threatened by [what could happen], I don’t want to be threatened by it either. You give [me] so much love that you deserve to have the love you want in your life.” I was moved to tears. What a beautiful and understanding man. I felt very close to him after that, and very grateful.

One of the things I love most about Z and our relationship: I feel that we can both view it as both a sheltering and comforting entity, a refuge and a nest, and as an instrument in facing and conquering our fears and deepening our empathy and compassion. When we started out together, the phrase “as iron sharpens iron” (Biblical quote ending with “so one man sharpens another”) would pop up very appropriately between us at times – because that’s what we seemed to do for each other. We were catalysts for change and self-improvement within each other. We’ve become very comfortable together – a blessing – but I find that my need for change and creation and “moving to the next thing” spurs him to do the same at times, and his tendencies toward boldness and clarity and simplicity whittle away at my indecisive and timid cloud in similar ways.

Since then, I’ve been out with J a few times, snuggled on the couch with him a couple of times, and stayed the night at his place once. We snuggled in his bed in pajamas. I wasn’t sure how far beyond that the line was, for Z and myself, and I wasn’t willing to risk Z feeling betrayed. Maybe there wasn’t a line…we left it vague…but I gauged it according to what I’d be comfortable enough with if our roles were reversed.

I fear losing Z by being true to my own wants and needs sometimes, and that is often a big obstacle – my fears can keep me from acting. This is one of my personal huge obstacles in life. I don’t want to someday regret things I did NOT do that I really wanted to. He’s shown me that we can communicate about everything without my having to fear judgment from him. Old habits are hard to break, though.

It would make things so easy to simply want, love, and be with one person for a long time. Sometimes, when things get muddy and/or difficult, I wish that’s what I wanted, what fed me. Later, when the fog lifts and I’ve pushed through some of my own mental or emotional mess, I wouldn’t wish away the difficulties or the pains for anything. Crossing to the other side and coming out of it all victorious, after having faced down and dealt with your demons, feels wonderful. I feel my own strength, feel it growing.

It's good.
 
i started this blog back when because i was curious as to whether i was "polyamorous" or not, and also because i was a mess: fresh out of a breakup from hell, finding myself smack in the middle of another relationship that i was neither ready for nor desirous of being in, grieving and yet unable to grieve for all my trying to keep it together in public and act like i knew what i was doing and was fine. i had gone off the deep end and was trying to hide it.

had no idea what i wanted, except that it wasn't what i'd had previously and it wasn't what i had at that point, either.

had spent most of my life into adulthood looking for someone on whose head & shoulders to place the burdensome laurel and robe of the authority (responsibility for my desires, dreams, aspirations, decisions, direction, determination, etc) i should have been taking for myself, and sporadically finding man after man after man who (mostly unwittingly and unawares) took on those articles and the roles they represented. i would spend most of my energy and time caught up in the cycle of idolizing, pleasing, nurturing, self-sacrificing, caretaking, becoming unsatisfied with, resenting, repressing, exploding, offending, displeasing, freaking out, crawling, grovelling, making my way "back into the fold", apologizing, making amends, pleasing, idolizing, self-sacrificing...you get the drift.

recently i discovered that i'd held the unconscious belief that if i was "good", if i took care of a man/men, if i did what i saw the equally frustrated female role models in my life do, i'd somehow (magically?) eventually be rewarded with what i wanted and needed in life: approval, achievement, validation, love, fulfillment of my desires, etc. whack thing is: it obviously never worked for those female figures in my life, either. guess i thought i'd somehow succeed if i worked harder, harder, harder; held out longer, outsmarted circumstance and fate....

mess, mess, mess.

a month or so ago, i bottomed out again. found myself looking to Z with all my frustrations. realized i was basically always looking to him (before this, i was looking to other men/another man - there's always been a man) for permission to do what i felt i wanted to do; to follow my natural curiosity, to follow a lead or desire, etc. bottom line was that i was looking for him to grant me permission to do things that a child would be afraid she'd get in trouble for.

i realized i'd given this guy the keys to my will. i'd handed my authority over to another person. i'd been doing it all my life. no wonder i stayed mostly unsatisfied. no wonder i only ever got tiny tastes of things that tickled my fancy, and usually with plenty of deceit and track-covering. no wonder i didn't know what i wanted - i was afraid to go explore and find out.

always waiting for permission. and i was passive-aggressive about it, too. i was usually more afraid than not to even mention things i wanted or feelings i believed were taboo or "wrong". i somehow expected whomever my current authority figure was to more or less read my mind, do the work to decipher my hints, and to present me with the keys to get out of my own prison of fear and belief and let me go, give me their blessing to go about my way, preferably with the assurance that they would be only steps behind me if i stumbled, lost my way, found myself overcome with fear, made any big mistakes, etc.

oh, christ. daddy. where the hell did i get all this bullshit? who installed this OS and why am i only becoming aware of it? and what's it gonna take to comb through it and find what's worth keeping and chuck what isn't? how much discomfort and fear and anxiety am i going to have to go through to root out bullshit beliefs that are holding me back and helping maintain periods of my own misery (and my lovers'), and how much more to identify/design new habits to create new beliefs that will keep my keys in my own hands and responsibility for myself on my own shoulders?

plenty, i'm sure. all of which will be absolutely and completely worth it.

so i start spending more time on my own. start doing things that, although stepping outside the lines makes me uncomfortable, also satisfy my curiosities and leave me walking a little taller afterward. i start speaking my most honest thoughts and feelings - with tact, but without regard for controlling the outcome, letting the chips fall where they will.

i do more research and come across a few very helpful books on female authority and desire (specifically these, both of which i highly recommend for anyone who's curious or having the same issues):

**Women and Desire: Beyond Wanting to be Wanted (Young-Eisendrath)

**Female Authority: Empowering Women Through Psychotherapy (Young-Eisendrath & Wiedemann)

i read and read and read. i identify. i self-examine...a lot of self-examination. i write and write and write.

i spend time alone and with people other than Z and J. i spend time alone and sober when i feel like i'll jump out of my skin with anxiety if i spend another minute alone or without a drink. i make myself put my finger on exactly what's making me shake with anxiety. i wait, and wait, and occupy my hands and mind with various crafts and writing (lyrics, poetry, journalling), again putting my fingers on and giving names to each emotion i'm feeling and each physical sensation as it arises. i'm asleep relatively early and up long before the sun, and getting back into my early-morning routine of rising and readying slowly for work, listening to easy music and puttering about some, injects a good amount of feeling in-control of myself and my day, my time, back into me and my stream of consciousness. i have hot tea in the evenings and occupy myself again with some craft until i've steadied mind and heart and hands and breath enough to let all wander naturally to doing what they want to do, until i feel no compulsion to rein them in for the supposed sake of another's feelings, of a relationship, of my own self-worth reflected in another's eyes. i get steadier and i come back under my own wing, and i go have a beer and read and write and converse a little after work, and i come home to my own home - not empty now, but filled with my own presence and evidence thereof - later in the evening, with less and less anxiety now as i ready myself for bed and unwind. put myself to bed, missing the presence of Z's warmth for a bit before i fall asleep; maybe overwhelmed with loneliness for a moment or two before the edge is taken off by drowsiness and sleep. i sleep hard, or maybe i'm racked with dreams and fitful waking, but i wake in the morning, manually remove my mind from whatever it's in the habit of chewing forcefully upon, and set it about readying for my day. i keep myself occupied, but i let emotions come and pass and i deal with it as they do. i name them. i take a break from my day if they get overwhelming, go off by myself, and deal with them alone when i must.

with all this work, i've begun feeling again that i'm in control of me, of my life, of my choices, and that i need no one else's permission. for anything (that doesn't directly involve them, of course).

things are a LOT better lately, over the past few weeks. i FEEL better. i'm clearer on what i want and what i don't, and the lines and gulfs in between. i see that i'm clearer on what those close to me want and don't also, and the lines and gulfs in between.

i do think that Libras can be/come sponges, "soaking up" a lot (to too much) of those around whom they spend a lot of time. a Libra woman may be more so. and of course, it may have jack to do with the astrology too, but i'll put my stock where i like. ;)

eventually we are saturated, and in order to stay healthy, we have to dry out, whatever that takes and however it's best done on an individual level.

at this point i can feel empathy with those i'm close to, and when they are sad or despondent, i can sympathize, but i don't get too far down into it and wallow in sadness with them...or not for more than a minute. i don't try to commit sympathetic emotional suicide at this point; i make sure my own footing is secure and my grip is strong and my mind is clear, and i try to help by sweeping away the irrelevant and the piteous and by reaching in and offering a lifeline, to be taken only if someone truly wants to pull themselves out of the muck and mire. yes, i have an ear to listen when someone needs to talk it all out, but i keep check on myself and try not to absorb or get absorbed.

i'm probably over-cautious, hyper-vigilant, at times right now. but i also feel it pays to be. i don't beat up on myself when i slide backward into conditioned thought and compulsive response or action, but i notice it. i name it. i remind myself that, at all times, i'm the one who holds the keys - and the ONLY one. everything i do is by choice, and if i've slidden back into circumstances or action or thought that cause me to feel helpless and victimized in any way, it's because i've made the choice/s that got me there. all i have to do is stop, realize, choose my next step and my next direction, and go.

freedom is one choice and one beginning step away at all times.

there: a lot about me and what i've been doing.

and, of course...i regularly come back here and read, gaining insight and vicarious experience through the blessing that is online blogging and sharing. ;)

peace, err'body. happy holidays too!
 
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Big change.

After nearly four years of on & off (mostly on) with Z and continually thinking/feeling like I wanted to have some kind of intimate/sexual relationship with both him *and* J, I realized (I think Z and I both did) that "something had to change in order for something to change". So I gave a month's notice at my job and decided to move out of state temporarily.

It was not all relationship stuff that prompted the move. With my job, relationship/s, social life (friends), extracurricular activities, and just too much thinking/fretting/worrying/going in circles about most of the above, I had zero time and motivation to focus my art and creativity, which is a necessary, core part of my life (and gods know I've got plenty of stuff to untangle and express at this point).

I know I'm an idealist and pretty much a die-hard romantic. Aside from knowing that I would be happy being intimate with both Z and J, there was plenty of other stuff that I wasn't so clear about. I figured removing myself from the situation altogether - getting far enough away that I couldn't pick it up and "try again", mess with it, get involved, or be somehow coaxed back into it - would give me & them both time and space to see just what was there and what wasn't. We'll see what comes out in the wash.

In the meantime (I've been here 3 days now, on the outskirts of a small city settled in the high-desert mountains), I've already made MASSIVE progress on my guitar-playing, written and tracked two songs, and dropped just about all my anxiety and racing thoughts altogether.

It was a very selfish decision, and I do miss a few people and some very sweet things, but I do NOT miss all the tension, headache, heartache, pressure, and indecision I experienced on the daily.

That's the ketchup, for now.

Oh yeah - I'm not a die-hard follower of or subscriber to astrology, but I do get a great kick out of it when my weekly horoscope lines up with what's going on in my life and/or how I feel, and the one I got right as I was leaving home was Right. On. The. Money. ;)

Blessings to all you guys.
Big love and tenderness to G, J, and my family back home.
 
addendum.

oh yeah - guess I could explain a little better:

Z was NOT into me being sexually intimate with J. he's said this on several occasions. but me, still wanting to be with Z in ways AND wanting similar time with J, I kept pushing a little here and there. it's like I don't know how NOT to - I want relationships with them both, and I want to be MORE than "just" friends.

two or three times over the past couple of years, Z would say something to me that MEANT, TO ME, "you can go be intimate with other people, including J, and I will not withdraw from you."

well, to his mind, what he SAID/MEANT was, "you can go do what you want to do with whomever, but I reserve the option to withdraw and opt out of OUR sexual/intimate relationship," and that's exactly what he would do. NOT what I heard.

exact details and words escape me right now because I've been OVER AND OVER them all with myself in my head SO MANY TIMES (so not healthy). but that's the gist of it.

I love Z, and I love sharing many things/times with him, but our relationship doesn't meet all my needs. I finally narrowed it down, I think, to a lack of romantic attraction to him (don't ask me to define that right now; I'll do that later). He's handsome, intelligent, well-read, well-spoken, an awesome cook, a great helper, a natural leader, can be very sweet, can be compassionate; we've had some of the most TENDER times together. there have been several times - sometimes lasting a day, sometimes two weeks - when I've had to re-examine what I just said about feeling a lack of romantic attraction; times when I thought, OMG...I could marry this man. often they were times of deep and honest revealing of myself to him, my feelings/emotions/thoughts/desires, *including* regarding J, and his nonjudgmental listening and acceptance.

turns out I was reading things wrongly. yeah, he was def sending a few mixed signals here & there, but hey - I've done that too, knowingly and unknowingly.

Really - I know Life Happens, and I don't want to sacrifice "today's yummy" for tomorrow's uncertainty (have to credit either sparklepop or galagirl for that fun phrasing :) ), but I'm feeling a little more all the time like it's a damn good time to stay out of intimate physical relationships (read: sex) altogether for a few months. I don't think I like sex without connection, without forming a bond, and I don't want any bonds to get formed in my little world right now.

So...time to dry out. Very content to do so.
 
One More Thing.

Dr. Helen Fisher's book "Why Him? Why Her?" was a good read recently.
Gave me insights into why I'm drawn to some of the people/types that I am and why/how some of my relationships (have) work(ed) the way they did. Also some insights into my own personality, some of my deep needs in relationships, and stuff like that.
 
Need 2 talk.

Feeling the need to talk, write, get some stuff out.

There's one human in the world, *sometimes* two, whom I can talk to about this kind of stuff at this point in my life. I just don't come from a place/culture/family/background/etc where it's okay for this stuff to exist and be happening, much less for ME to be thinking about it, having feelings concerning it, or be participating in any way.

So...I'm writing here. To you guys. Anyone here who will read and maybe respond...I'd ask for a little feedback. Questions, criticism, encouragement, analysis...anything. Please & thanks in advance.

I'm about 3 states away from home. It's been a week since I moved. The changeup from EVERYTHING has been really good to me so far. I'm a pretty creative type who needs lots of space and solitude for thinking, piddling, working on my projects. I process a lot by myself. I don't really have a difficult time making friends, and I went out last night to hear a slick little jazz trio and made some very jolly acquaintances whom I'll probably see there again in the upcoming weeks. Maybe some professional connections. As usually happens, I caught a good word and a sound byte or two that told me I was in the right place at the right time, doing pretty much what I need to be doing. I looked pretty good, felt good, and I have more composure and self-assurance and -containment than I did when I moved to a brand new place a couple of times in my twenties. (Thank the gods for 30...the only way I'd go back to my 20's is if I could go with all the knowledge/experience I have now.) Anyway, I enjoy going out by myself to somewhere I can observe, mingle, and meet a few people now. But I reserve enough of who I am until I know someone pretty well now. I don't just throw it all out there up front; I'm not particularly gregarious like that (unless onstage at times, and then it's for performance).

Anyway...I had fun last night. This place has potential for me, and I like that idea. I could get a couple of gigs here and stay; I have some ideas that could work.

Life Happens. I'll be here a few months minimum, and who knows which way the compass' needle will point at that time. I'm not particularly worried about it.

But staying was never my intent.

I chose this place for a set time specifically because it's always spoken to my soul; it's always been a place of deep resonance and restoration for me. I came here to retreat, rest, recharge, sort some things out for myself, drop some baggage, spend a LOT of my time working on a couple of skills in particular that I've decided to try and master for my own use (it'll take years, but busting my ass on them for 6-8 hrs a day goes a long way toward paving that foundation), and just generally get away. Leave everything at home, at home, and see what does or doesn't grow without my constant influence, presence, etc. See what comes out in the wash. See what remains and what doesn't; what fades and what, if anything, gets stronger. I'm talking about relationships, personal and professional.

There are some I'm absolutely sure of; they will remain, and time and distance can't chip away at their fabric one bit. They are mostly platonic, and a few are very intimate (tho not sexual) as well.

But I'm finding that I don't really want to let everything I left at home alone without my influence; without my...reassurance? Nudging?

For the past few years I've spent so much of my time with Z, mentally/emotionally circling about my relationship with Z, my feelings for Z, his for me, mentally listing the pros & cons of possibly committing to a long-term relationship with him, *pushing*/*nudging* myself toward that emotionally and psychologically...enough of my time was taken up with this that it's been work. There's been as much stress, tension, confusion, and difficulty inside me regarding him and our relationship as there have been good times, doubt-free times, assurance of our connection, downright fun - all the things that HAVE to be there in order to even WANT a relationship with someone.

And it all stems from the fact that I currently also want to be with other people. Namely, my ex - J.

And WHY do I want to be with him, or anyone else?

A few reasons, I think:

1 - I know well and trust them both
2 - I find in myself for J the romantic attraction that I don't have (or have much of) for/with Z
3 - I enjoy some variety, and the differences in my connections/relationships with each of them cover a LOT of the spectrum of my own needs and wants in relationships.

The third is to say that, if both J and Z were cool with having a V-type-thing (independently of each other or together), I wouldn't see myself going or looking anywhere else any time soon.

Alas, that's just an "if", and a BIG one.
Upon last polling, Z was not, and J was pretty much "okay, but I don't want to hear much about it; only what I need to know."

*sigh*

So here I be. :) And it's okay. I think I tend to get (or sound) a little dramatic sometimes. Sometimes my little world feels HUGE and full, and sometimes it feels like it's about to end.

Since I've been here, it's been pretty even-keel. I have some down moments and I miss a few people; the couple times I've come home later at night to an empty house and bed I've felt some really lonely pangs; but I have a lot of strong, sure, and even up moments. I know I'm in the right spot right now, doing the best thing/s for me.

So - back to things I don't want to leave alone, even when I thought I should/would. ;)

It was such a sore spot with Z for me to talk to J much, via text or anything else. Both J and I wanted to have a deeper relationship than we'd had since Z and I got together, but it was a dealbreaker for Z, so I chose to keep it to the minimum with J that I felt I could. Even then, I pushed Z to stretch that boundary. (I think I should not have. I feel badly for doing it now.)

Since I've been here, J and I have texted just a little nearly every day, sending little happinesses and a word of love and care here and there. Little reminders. We have a made-up word between the two of us that serves as an icon for the essence of our feelings for each other; it's also a pet name with a tinge of possessiveness in it; we use that from time to time, sometimes texting only that. It feels very good to send and receive that on my phone from time to time.

Z and I have texted most days too, throughout the day. I can feel some withdrawal and change of tone on his part, and while it's okay and I respect it, I'm also a little awkward with it. Though he's not mean or harsh, he's gotten some of his old edge back, the edge I feel/hear on him when we've backed off our closeness & intimacy for a while in days past, days or weeks. It's not an impenetrable edge, but it makes me feel shut out (that's part of its purpose; it's part of his own routine of self-containment and -assurance), and in times past I've been afraid of it and have tried to get under or around it, whether or not that's really where I wanted to be. I just didn't want to feel shut out by him, or so far from his center. It's been somewhat selfish of me; not wanting to deal with him needing the space to deal with his own feelings (which was usually a reaction to me pushing him away to do the same, or moving closer emotionally or physically to J).

Before I left home, we both exchanged sentiments of feelings of "I'll never give up on the best of us". We agreed that for all intents and purposes, we were not together, and he told me that he doesn't and can't do LD. I concurred, as I wanted to let go, and wanted space and (self-)permission to reach out, make connections, stretch, hit it off with someone, get crazy, do whatever I felt.

But now I'm not even sure if I meant it, or what I meant by "I don't do LD either." It's only been a week, like I said. I know I'll give it time and allow myself to meet people, and who knows. I may meet someone/s I want to spend more time around, enough to feel warmth or create sparks.

But right now I feel like maybe I have chosen my solitude *in part* to incubate and examine, WITHOUT GUILT, what has existed in me for a long time - my feelings and desire for J.

I've said for a long time that I didn't want to be married. The longer I live, the less I think I should use such a blanket statement, and the less I think i meant it that way whenever I said (or thought) it. For a few years now I've thought more along the lines of: I don't want a traditional, strictly-monogamous, no-room-for-possibility, tandem ox-yoke of a marriage. But no one really wants that, do they??

I wish I could walk more lightly through this world of people and connections and relationships. Plenty that I feel/take SO SERIOUSLY really isn't so life-and-death. I just treat it like it is sometimes...often because someone else is taking it so seriously!

There is something about the way that J and I connect and relate...that keeps me coming back, looking in that direction, hanging on. Even when I don't realize that's what I'm doing.
 
Need 2 Talk II

I say with chagrin that I'm not sure I would've held on and tried to make my connection with Z into the relationship we've more or less had for four years now had he not fought for it himself like he did or initiated some of those reunions. His good and beautiful qualities kept me coming back to him when we lived so close to each other. He's an amazing and passionate(!!) man with a beautiful and complex and often dirty mind; a skillful, sensitive, and caring lover; a sympathetic heart with a clear-cutting mind; he can have a funny, witty, but very cutting tongue (a talent that I want to escape being the target of in my oversensitivity at times); his recognition and appreciation of beauty and sensuality have left me openmouthed and openhearted time and again. And so it went... Trying again. Trying again.

For all the big plusses in our relationship, I still wanted other people in different ways. I think now it was because of a lower level of attraction (I keep distinguishing it as "romantic" attraction, because I've had plenty of SEXUAL attraction to the man, without the feelings of romance) to Z than I've experienced in other relationships. Both occasionally and long-term. Don't get me wrong, the man is handsome. We've had a slew of people we didn't know walk up to us out of the blue and feel the need to tell us how good we look together, for each other. We know and compliment each other very well and know how to dress it up and turn heads walking into a room together.

We actually work very well together. Talk about a badass team....We often have that shit in spades. Which can be a kind of co-conspiratorial attraction and turn-on in itself.

With all that I know of this man that I like, WHAT needed changing or fixing in order to make this "try again" different or successful??

Now I see that feelings of romance and attraction are non-negotiables for me. I have to have some of that, and if i don't get it with/in my partner (or primary), I'll seek it elsewhere.

And feel guilty about it the whole time, if I'm with someone who doesn't share my thoughts/feelings on the subject.

**Romance: for me, the physical, chemical, emotional, and maybe mental attraction that basically make me want to have this person's children.

I GOTTA have at least SOME of that. Even if I don't plan on reproducing (which is the plan). That's gotta be in my life.

And, sorry. I feel it with J. It's been there in spades with him since very soon after we met. Don't ask me why; I could rattle you off a few things, but it's just there.

Sometimes when I'd initiate a discussion on the idea of me spending intimate time or having sex with J (usually it was him, although there have been a couple of others, mostly tangents), Z would say something like, "oh, are you back to being poly this week?" with an intent to cut a little. Christ. Words & tones like that are like a slap in the face to me.

I know, he's a self-described simple man who likes to keep things simple. What the hell have I been doing, thinking I'm going to change this? And when I can't handle the tension half the time as it's been, why am i thinking I can handle the tension and upheaval that would surely come if things were to all go like I've been thinking I wanted them to? Short of a death in the "family", it's not like either of the guys are just going to drop the animosity and lack of respect for each other that's formed in the past few years.

In my professional opinion, J DOES need to drop the grudge. It's so over. So many of our friends and myself as well have informed him of that. And he KNOWS it. But even if that happens...it still doesn't come close to them being cool with sharing a partner.

Me?

I had this arrow of feeling and thought while out walking this afternoon: with enough time on my own, I'll get to the point where I'm fine being solo and rolling just as I please. I'll be fine with stating the way/s I've chosen to live (whatever they may be at the time) regarding sex, partners, friends, labels, marriage, living situations, whatever, and then standing and backing up those statements, or walking away. Going to take some alone time to get there, though.

At this point, I've been too long in a relationship (and enmeshed) with someone who I think has some fundamentally different needs, wants, and boundaries than mine when it comes to relationships, sex, commitment, etc. And I tend to soak partners up like a water into a sponge: mentally, emotionally, physically, everything. I weave myself into their fabric, change myself (really: read Dr. Fisher's "Why Him? Why Her?" i'm a classic Negotiator, and Explorer secondarily), mold myself to fit them and their needs. (It's in my DNA to nurture.) I don't even know I'm doing it until I've done it. I recognize it as such earlier now than I used to.

It's slowly clicking that I'm not going to change what Z wants or where his boundaries are. Just as slowly clicking that I should not have one eye on thinking I could influence him in a direction other than the ones he wants to go. I want to be a big enough person to love him just as much as I do now, as I have during the times we've been & felt the closest, the most tender, the most loved by/with each other, and to let him go his own way and not cling, hoping he'll change his mind. That, too, is real friendship.

Isn't that half of what this whole move was about? To let go? Yes. I tell myself it's okay and that if I give him room and am honest with both of us, things will go the way they're supposed to.

I wish I didn't feel like I was betraying one of them by acknowledging that I love the other. I remind myself that that's not the case, and that I made them both aware of how I felt for them a long time ago. But I always wonder if I was even clear on my feelings for either of them then: when I feel like I am in a pressure cooker, the ONLY thing I am sure of is my desire, my need, my singleminded drive to create peace in my space. Nothing else in my sensory field is really cut and dried; may not even be on the table.

Anyway...
 
Need 2 Talk MORE

I find myself reaching out naturally to J lately. There is no one here to feel guilty about it toward. There's no need to temper it.

I want to have a H2H with him about HIS OWN absolute needs (if he knows them) in a committed relationship.

He has made it known to me that his door is open, literally and figuratively, and inferred that if I chose to try it again with him, he was more than willing. My attraction to and feelings for him have caused this to creep into my mind and daydreams recently.

I slept with him about a month ago. It was shortly after I told Z I was moving for a while. We were off, and things were back-and-forth blazing and cool; slicing and tender; hard, fast, backhanded verbal swings intended to cut and then tears on both ends the next minute. It sucked. But that's how he handles things like this. He said he needed space and we could be friends, but he needed some time to himself to adjust. He said this verbally, and then his actions proved it over the next couple weeks. He was done with me sexually, he needed to get his head right for when things would change so much because of the geographical distance between us. He even told me (albeit sarcastically, I'm sure) to "go get your J on". (No, I didn't EVEN take it at face value. I know him better. Besides, it's not like I was waiting on that verbal permission.) What I think DID change my mind about NOT sleeping with J was Z's changed ways, words, and attitude for two weeks. He was showing me that he was done with us as sexual partners.

Then one evening I went out and had drinks with J. We actually loosened up and had a lot of silly fun together just drinking & talking. He got a little silly, which I don't see happen much. I stayed pretty together that night, but by the end of the night, my hormones and body were raging for him. He dropped me off at my place around midnight (I had to work in the morning and my mind still was not completely changed about keeping away from him sexually; it still felt a little like betraying Z), and gave me a short, sweet kiss; but I moved into it with all of me, and it turned into a deep, wet mouthfuck. It had been a long, long time between the two of us, and I wanted to strip naked with him and go at it slow with him all night until we slept, but I just was not. all. in. I'm glad I didn't then, but I did it several nights later - because I WAS all in and sure of it. And it wasn't a hallelujah chorus for either of us (lol) physically, but the phrase on both of our tongues after that was something about having "come full circle"; and that summed it up. It felt right, good, sweet, natural, and overdue.

Of course Z changed his mind about the sex between us a week or so after that, and while I faltered initially when he asked me if I'd been with someone else, I had to stop him a minute later to tell him, yeah, I'd been with J. And of course, he did a complete 180. Withdrawal, cold shoulder, so strange. (not really. i wasn't surprised.) So sad. I hurt so much. I left his place, went home, and cried my fucking self to sleep, then awake the next morning.

(You can't act like you're fucking done with me and then want sex with me weeks later but shut me out when I tell you I've done something I've told you I wanted and tried to discuss with you for three years now but stopped myself from doing for the sake of maintaining US, our bond, our relationship. You can't say the words "go do it" in sincerity a year ago, in sarcasm three weeks ago, and then get all twisted up and treat me like a lying whore when you show me you're done with me and then I go and do it. And you can't tell me that one night of a very sweet, peaceful, healing, overdue intimacy and connection with someone I care about, even if you don't, nulls and voids everything between you and I from beginning to end.)

Christ, that sucked. It took days, a week, of cyclical anger, shame, self- and other-flagellation (verbally), and ALL THAT NASTY SHIT (turmoil) for us both to reach understanding and a peaceful place with that. Even then, I had thought maybe it would happen again before I moved, but I couldn't handle even the thought of that kind of mess happening between me and Z again for the time being. I just laid low and cooled my jets. At some point J and I will talk about that if it needs to be talked about.

For now, THAT'S the kind of mess I don't want to engage in. I have ZERO desire to get intertwined with anybody new at this point, hands down. I'm content to be looking at it and thinking it over from a good distance.

But still - thoughts & feelings.... What to do next? Probably wait a month before I do ANYTHING. Seems smart.
 
next.

I just started a post and nixed it. Saved it elsewhere for later.

I'm not the best at making my thoughts flow verbally. Will work some on that. Blogs are always more inviting and easier to read when you can understand what the blogger is trying to communicate. ;)

Z and I split. About three weeks ago, right before I headed home for a few days of business & visits with friends. Things were very rough and sad at first. By now they have evened out a little. We obviously haven't seen each other much in nearly two months, so we've both had time to disentangle a little and figure out what some of the next steps were in our separate lives...we just weren't for sure that we were going to lead such separate lives until the decision was made those weeks ago.

Technically, I was the one who called it off. I knew he didn't want to have anything to do with being in a poly relationship with me and J, my ex. Too much animosity between them, too much old shit and dirty water under the bridge. He'd told me before he wouldn't "play second fiddle" to J. I got the point.

I still wanted a relationship with J. Still had feelings and very much wanted to act on them, sexually and otherwise. Something had to give, I had to choose, even though I HATE making choices like that. Something I want very much vs. something else I want very much for/in similar but different reasons/ways? Yeah. Not good at that.

So, that's that. I miss Z a LOT sometimes - especially any time I head out to do something fun, I really feel the absence of that guy. He'd been my closest friend and partner, in love and crime and fun and both low & high times, and everything else, for nearly four years now. Detangling and detaching is a longish process for me, and I probably never do it completely. I'm okay, but it'll be a while before it's not weird between us or hard for me. Can't speak for him but I think he's doing well, for which I'm honestly glad. I don't want to know too much or think about too much right now. I get lost in that shit and then I'm crying.

We still talk (text) every couple of days. It's okay. Sometimes it gets weird. It's pretty superficial...he assumes more than he knows about how I feel and what I'm doing (apparently that's been the case the whole time), and I refuse to talk about things as long as he's laying what I feel are minefield assumptions. We both saw what we wanted to see in/about the relationship and possibilities for it. He deals with this stuff differently than I do. He's always enjoyed debating and arguing.

I don't need to take any bait. I don't need to own anyone else's anything right now. Yup, I fucked up some in our relationship. Maybe I should never have given this one a chance, based on my initial feelings. But from that chance grew some really good stuff, IMO. Some things I loved and wanted to preserve. I've fucked some stuff up in every relationship I've ever been in. He's no different. We see it all through different lenses. We DO see what we want to see.

I can flagellate myself for the things I feel I did wrong and wallow in the sad thoughts and memories and then kick myself more for the things I think he feels I did wrong. Or I can own what I did and go on living my life. Try to always learn from my up-fuckings and keep going.

More steps in the directions I want to go in my short life.

Spent some time with J after all that, when I was home, and talked some about how we each felt for each other at this point. Know I need some time to orient and get more solid. Not jump into something or deceive him, myself, or someone else out of reaction to my sadness or loneliness when either creeps up and tries to swallow me.

I'm okay. Appreciative. Trying to meditate regularly - can't tell you how much the monkey mind has helped me get where I find myself now =/ - and keep my mind clear, focus on things and mindsets that will bring positive things to me and those in my life. Difficult to control that ol' mind.

Hoping the best for Z. Time to focus on the rest of what's right in front of me, all the things that that contains.

Here's to everyone having a good week. *clink*
 
some other stuff.

Z said in a text recently that he hoped honestly for "no more pretending needed between us, ever."

He thinks he's witnessed me "pretending" feelings for him, whether occasionally or this whole time.

Huh??

So now... I'm pretending that I don't want to talk to him as much as we used to, and that it's natural not to call him by the "pet" or nicknames we found for each other.

Just weirdness... =/ I hope someday we'll see this stuff eye to eye.

Don't know if I should try writing him a long letter or not. Feel like I might oughta wait a while. Don't want to drop the ball on something that needs to be done to preserve a friendship, but I don't know if he's just pissed with me in general right now and in a mindset to where it'd only be adding fuel to a fire if I tried to say more, explain further, whatever.
 
Okay, then.

I think a lot of my posts have less to do with poly in particular and more to do with me and my life, its rhythms and discoveries and dramas. So...I'm deciding that that's okay. :)

A few weeks ago, I did find a book I was looking for at a used bookstore *joy!*, "Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers. Lemme just say, great book! Usually when I get a book, I thumb through the contents and then flip through the parts of it that draw or intrigue me most. Well, the whole book is sucking me in, but initially and now, Chapter 6 is speaking to me.. . . . . . . .

Yesterday wasn't the most fun of days. I'd had a girlfriend (not sexual) here for the weekend from home, a beautiful artist with her own fucked-upness similar to mine, and we had great times - including jazz at a spanish restaurant downtown until late, then coming back to my place for red wine and olives and hummus in the livingroom floor til past 2am, talking, relating, laughing, and letting the good energy run both ways up & down our connection. Anyway, she was here most of the weekend until she left yesterday morning to go back home. Although I like and make my solitude, it was good to share and I found my little nest feeling empty later that afternoon. Seeing her car pull away down my drive brought back memories of the last familiar vehicle to do the same - Z's pickup - as I stood there wondering when or if we'd ever be that close again. Bittersweet...brought tears up from my heart to my eyes that stung a little.

Like I said in my last post, I know my hormones are kicking and my cycle is about to start. The signs were all there yesterday, including a more negative outlook, a want to hunker down and isolate in my nest with a bowl of soup and just sleep and be held, etc...all that non-energetic and mostly less than positive stuff.

I nestled myself into bed earlier than usual and just stayed up writing and reading; getting all kinds of things out and putting positive and good things in as much as I could. I reached out to a couple of supportive friends over the phone, and just hearing their voices soothed me some. I fell asleep relatively early, but I slept hard for probably 11 hours - good, deep, restful sleep - and apparently I needed it after having three long days & late nights of fun with PoetGirl. I woke up this morning feeling much more solid, refreshed, on-track, positive, and self-assured than I'd felt in days.

I made my coffee and sat down at my desk with my journal and the "Feel The Fear" book, already having made and mentally arranged my to-do list for the day. Chapter 6....it was talking to me. I reread, then I began journalling, sure of some things.

Here are some quotes/passages that stuck out to me:

"One of the reasons we react so hostilely when others don't support us is our need for approval. Whenever we get upset at the comments of loved ones, it is a clue that we are still acting like a child. Guilt is another clue. Guilt and hostility often mask our anger at ourselves and others for our not being able to break unhealthy ties with loved ones."

Okay, that's me. I needed Z's approval to move in about any direction. I needed J's before that. I look for the approval of friends, authority figures, my father, even acquaintances. I've been guilty of wanting other people to show me what/who they want me to be so that I can play that role, hopefully (subconsciously?) in exchange for their willingness to become who/what or take on the role/s that I need them to take on reciprocally.

"Your need to please shows you what you have to work on - and that is: letting go emotionally of the role of child and stepping into the role of adult. As difficult as it can be, cutting childlike relationships with others and substituting more responsible ones allow you to act much more lovingly toward other people in your life. It is a paradox: The less you need someone's approval, the more you are able to love them."

"Saying goodbye to the old (childish) relationship usually requires that we go through grief until the old door is closed and the new one is opened. We are, in effect, grieving for the end of an era. The emerging era, however, brings much more satisfaction with it."

"Usually inner strength is respected - we get back what we put out."

"The most important thing is for you to be your own best friend. Whatever you are doing - don't put yourself down. Slowly begin to discover which, for you, is the path of the heart. Which path in life will make you grow? That is the path to take."

I re-read this whole chapter and wrote out some of the feelings and realizations it was bringing up in me, things that have been keeping me stuck for longer than just the length of this or that particular relationship. For, like...decades. I'm early thirties, and so many of my decisions have been made by the small-child side of me who still fears lack of love and still values survival above all else, thinking she has to stay in control to do so. Not true anymore, kiddo. And someone needs to show you that, prove it to you. Show you good so you quit worrying about it and trying to step in and do that. Me *hand up*, I gotta be that someone.

After that and a little more reflection and resolution, I went on about my day, and it went very, very well. Got some work done (which, once I emailed the finished results to them, my co-workers wound up loving - one of the big projects is well on its way to being done as a result of our group efforts), went into town and had a beer and a good meal, met a couple of real cool people there (whom I might meet up with for music tomorrow night at a place I haven't tried yet), and grabbed toilet paper on the way out of town back to my little cabin. Made a couple of phone calls from just a ways up my mountain (for good phone reception) to connect with loved ones as the sun was setting down past the walls of the canyon I presently claim, and came indoors for the evening to light some incense and write this. Chill out before bed.

Feel like I lived wide-open today, as PoetGirl told me.

I've decided to think about staying through the summer and fall here in this enchanting little place, instead of just through early summer, per the original plan.

Felt very good. I aim to make tomorrow good as well.

Peace, friends.
 
Z and I talked several times on the phone today, not knowing necessarily where to leave it, what with closing the door on being lovers, being more distant than "close friends," and my want to explore what is still there between myself and J.

I thought it was okay leaving things "in space."

He called me later this evening, and I stepped out on the patio of the establishment I was in to call him back. Told me that he felt like it was something he could do that was good/loving for both me and J, and better for him (Z), if I not contact him outside of a personal emergency or if I "need" him.

I told him that the reciprocate applies; when and if he ever needs me, he need not hesitate - no matter the circumstance, I will come running, and all the forces of love and care behind me. He knows.

I ask him if he's doing this for me, or if he's doing this because it's what he wants.

"Both."

Okay.

Tears in my eyes, I understand, accept, and respect his decision.

A goodbye that echoes off canyon walls never before reached, and I wonder when I will ever hear from him again. My tears spill over for a few minutes. I love this man like a brother, and he's been my best friend for 4+ years. I know he is wise as well and knows what he needs most for himself, even as I have been making the decisions that I need to make for me.

I go back and make the best of the night. I sit in with the band in this new place, and people come to me afterward and tell me they've loved it. It's a good night. Most of all though, I miss my friend; my heart.

Ugh. Being human is hard. Loving is hard.

So what. We step up to the plate and do it again; further. Such is the balls-to-the-wall blessing of being human.

Amen. Selah. Source and all gods bless my heart's companion on his travels from here on out. I love him so much.
 
It seems so crazy to me that we have to turn our backs on people, that we can't be friends after sharing so much love and life together. I get pretty incredulous about it sometimes. But I guess some people just can't handle all the feelings. I never understood the all or nothing mentality.

But I guess that's the pattern we have been shown. Exploit the differences. And then be expected to start over again. Yes the human condition is a real conundrum isn't it? And these resilient hearts we have, bending and breaking to love again, anew. I look forward to it, in good time.

Sounds like you have created a new beginning for yourself. I salute your self reliance and actualization. Well done ;)
 
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