What are the benefits to being in a poly relationship?

I'd commented that I'd post if poly has been worth it for me once I knew better how things would go with J, and I'm quite sure I know now that she's not interested. The emotions are still raw and fresh, I feel stupid for believing in false hopes and seeing signs that weren't there, and I hate having to bottle my emotions up at work through the day. I've thought to myself "wasn't this supposed to be over when I got married" about the emotional rollercoaster.

So in the end, I think I have my answer about whether all the pain and regret I'm feeling right now was worth it, and will be worth it if I go through it again.


Yes.
 
Wow! Way to keep things in perspective and really progressive! <<hugs>> :)

I've never once in my life regretted the emotions that came with falling for someone, I'm not about to start now. It might not have turned out well in the end, but I had a happy summer believing it could. I'll take that for what it's worth.
 
Well yesterday was our one year anniversary of being Poly. We had a hugh blow out and it dam near ended in divorce. Is being poly worth it? I believe it is but I will say its not easy or the "magic pill".

Like everything in my life, its a never ending learning process.



Maca
 
Well yesterday was our one year anniversary of being Poly. We had a hugh blow out and it dam near ended in divorce. Is being poly worth it? I believe it is but I will say its not easy or the "magic pill".

Like everything in my life, its a never ending learning process.



Maca

Was the blow out a year ago or yesterday? I'm assuming it was a year ago, am I right?
 
Well, I'll throw my opinion in.

Anybody who's been following my threads over in the "New to Poly" forum knows it's been a journey for me.

Long story short, I don't think I'm wired for poly. I think I'm wired for mono. But I love seeing my wife be honest and open with herself. She's kept this buried deep down for years, saying she felt happy enough. Now that she's out of the poly closet, we've had a lot of fun and connection and, I think, have really learned to respect each other in a new light. I don't want her to go back.

That said, I just had a really painful breakup with a girlfriend because I'm married. She's mono, and she knew I was married, but she couldn't deal with that. I treated my relationship with her as more-or-less mono (I tried not to remind her I was married) and I found that what I had with her is the kind of relationship I want.

So it's a bit of a tricky place. I love my wife, I love seeing her be herself, and I'm not in any hurry to leave, but at the same time, I do feel a little like I'm missing something. I could probably satiate that sensation somewhat with another poly relationship, but I don't know if I'll ever feel completely fulfilled. My wife and I accept this about each other, and if the day comes where we need to deal with that, we'll deal with that then.
 
is poly worth it

Hopelessly adorable. :)

Most of our "hell's" had nothing to do with polyamory and everything to do with getting real with ourselves.

;)

I keep praying to find my poly situation so far no such lucky each time i think its possible something happens to mess things up but i keep being positive and learning is it worth it to me yes i think so in the long run i am hopeful that some day i can attend a poly meeting and be like hey you guys and say yep it was a struggle but in the long run we are happy and it was worth it will it happen yepppers i am positive that someday some way it will for me too just takes time and lots and lots of patience and the right kind of people to fall in place for me


kym the hopeless dreamer
 
We are all so wired to think that we have to go through absolutely knee deep shit (sorry) in order to have some sort of personal growth or to gain that elusive self knowledge! Maybe, just maybe, we don't, and if we were more happy more of the time, instead of riding the heroin high then crashing in a ditch somewhere, curled up in the fetal position, the journey would be MORE pleasurable for everyone!

Just sayin.... ;)

Apologies in advance for the random thought....and graphic analogies! Feeling a bit full of it today....
P2
 
good graphic analogy.

I personally agree with you PP.

Seriously feel like if there was more "just live your life" and less "this is how it's SUPPOSED to be",

we could avoid a LOT of stupid pain and misery.
 
hmmm...I know I have answered this, and at some point this new opinions may change, but my current opinion is this...

I look at this question like "was it worth it to be straight"...

well..since I am not anything else, yes it has been worth it to be straight...and the same is true for poly. :)
 
Ari-this is true in terms of "I am therefore accepting that I am is all I could do".

But I meant it more in terms of has agreeing to LIVE A POLYAMOROUS LIFE been worth it.

I am polyamorous by nature-but trying to take THIS relationship to a polyamorous life has been a nightmare. I'm sure starting a relationship from a polyamorous stand would be easier and less traumatic than taking a "monogomous marriage" to the stage of a "cheating marriage" then to a "polyamorous family".

Does that make more sense?
 
Totally worth it!

Before Polyamory, I was jealous, possessive and controlling. I felt that I had to cling to people in my life to keep from losing them. I was so affraid of loss that I often dated men who were damaged or weak or much less likely to leave me.

After Polyamory, I've learned to love not only my partners, but my friends and family without control. I let my partners live their lives in a way that gives them total freedom and they do the same for me. I've learned to trust the deep connections I make with others and that they can't be destroyed because the one I love loves someone else. I've learned that love isn't in a limited supply and that there is more than enough for all of us who seek it.

I now see jealousy as a red flag that indicates that there's something I need to take care of in myself and I've learned to stop projecting my fears or my needs onto others. I am now responsible for fulfilling my own needs. When I feel jealousy and anxiety, I learn. When I stumble and fall, I learn. When I feel joy and love, I learn.

So, how can I ever say that Polyamory isn't worth it? It has made me the person I am today and I love that person. Best wishes to all of you out there. :D
 
If I go by the meaning LovingRadiance set forth, ....I`m not sure I`ll be able to answer that, until the last kid leaves the house, and sets off for their own course in the world. lol

If my children ever got chased by 'the villagers with all their pitchforks' due to my poly choices, I would most definetly say it wasn`t worth it. :(

Question is,..how much fear-mongering is that in reality ? I`m not so sure anymore, that it is as big a threat as I once believed it was.

So,...I guess I still can`t answer this question.
 
Does that make more sense?

YEs.

As a currently married man without kids, I can't say I have had any problems. Everyone close to me already knew I was open, poly is just an extension of that. It does take some explaining but I don't suffer from backlash.

Moving forward, here are my potential BIG bumps.

1 - having kids etc. I think I can understand potential backlash. That will be a tough balance to work with.

2 - Beyond that, the "living with" stage at this point is not on the books. So I can't think that far ahead and into fantasy.

3 - Coming out to family, well I did that with my cousin it went decently. Beyond my cousin I am really the blacksheep in my family. So I am only concerned with my mom. Who is the most accepting person on the planet. She would take this information and simply love whoever I love, as long as they make me happy.

So for me the answer is still the same, poly has been worth it. Ask me again in 5 years when Pengrah and I have a kid together ;) :)

Ari
 
Superjast-
very sensible answer.
If that happened in our life-it would certainly change my answer as well.
Fortunately, since we're OUT to everyone, and that has not only not occurred, but in fact there's been little to no negative reaction at all;
I'm not overly concerned.
:)
 
Ari-you always make me smile!

When you two have a kid I'll be much too busy congratulating you on your beautiful little one!

;)
 
I
Question is,..how much fear-mongering is that in reality ? I`m not so sure anymore, that it is as big a threat as I once believed it was.

So,...I guess I still can`t answer this question.

I believe there is a lot of fear mongering. Its a power in the hiddeness of the act in some ways. Of course I don't live this by experience but most people I have told shrug it off and say big deal.

But I don't have the risk of kids, or family that matters. I feel for you in any future decision making sweety...<<hugs>>
 
Yes,..Fear mongering alone, can stop people.

When you have kids, many times you feel, that even a 0.5 % chance of being found out, is to high a stake.

For me, I love the community I live in. So many positives. It would be a tough call, to come out in such a conservative place. For now, the benefits of staying quiet, outweigh anything else.

Though I am starting to wonder about being more open around family and vanilla friends. It all ties into each other, so it can be hard to negotiate.

Time has a way of taking care of these things. :)

Sorry for going off topic LR.
 
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