I Am Clingy

asmile

New member
Hello! I am in my first relationship, kind of, not even sure if I can call it that. He was the one who said he was interested in poly. I had never imagined myself in a poly relationship, but I never had anything against them, and was interested in giving it a try.
As this is my first experience in a relationship of any kind, navigating everything has been tricky for me. I most certainly have been quite clingy, and very very available, due to many factors, mainly my craving for attention and wanting to finally not be lonely after years of being quite anti-social. I feel like I grabbed on really tightly, and am unsure how to processed. We are very open with each other. I know that there are other women he is interested in and says he feels a more "light my fire" type of attraction to them, but many of those people are quite unavailable to him for many reasons. He is my closest friend, we both enjoy being intimate together, and I do not want to lose what we have. But as of right now, for him it is more casual and fun, and it has deeper meaning to me. It is a bit confusing for me trying to sort out what the best course of action is right now. Should I just step back? If so, how far? Has anyone recognized their clinginess, and been able to turn it off? Just any advice would be appreciated.
 
my advice is to change your expectations or step back from the relationship. It is far easier for you to lower your expectations for the relationship rather than to expect him to somehow create deeper feelings for the relationship. That is something that he will need to do on his own or not at all. If it hurt you too much then I would suggest you remove yourself from the relationship.
 
May I ask your age?
 
You're not clingy, telling yourself that is self-defeating. At 21, you're not fully formed yet! I can almost guarantee that whatever relationship you're in now will NOT be the relationship you'll be in 5 years from now if that helps you relax a little. You have a whole lifetime ahead of you for seducing and being seduced.

Sound like you might have what they call an "anxious" attachment style. As do I. The way to be less "clingy" is cultivate your own garden: form friendships, have hobbies and interests, have lots going on in your life outside your relationships. Be warned we "anxiously attached" tend to get involved with "love avoidants," who bring out the worst in us.

I'm assuming he's aware you would like something less casual with him, and he's just not on board. If you're not getting what you want from this relationship, you're choices are 1) lower your expectations, and enjoy a casual relationship. Date others. Don't try to fake it, though, if that's not what you want. You don't want to be hurting and pining and hoping for him to come around to love when that might never happen. 2) Walk away, tend to your own well-being, and seek someone who is as into you as you are into them.
 
... At 21, you're not fully formed yet! I can almost guarantee that whatever relationship you're in now will NOT be the relationship you'll be in 5 years from now if that helps you relax a little. You have a whole lifetime ahead of you for seducing and being seduced...


While I agree that "you have a while lifetime ahead of you for seducing and being seduced" it is possible that someone might be in a relationship with the same person 5 years down the road (even at 21). The truth is that most potential relationships don't seem to weather the early stages...or, even if they do, they may not weather the fading of NRE down the road. (Which is why we have "dating" and "engagement" - so we can try things!:p)

Now, even if someone is in a relationship with the same person the relationship itself will be different - because people (and therefore the relationships that they are in) change and grow and evolve over time.

For the record, I am still with my first boyfriend ever (now my husband) - which comes as quite a surprise since I had never (until then) imagined myself "partnered" at all :eek:. We met when I was 18, married when I was 22...and that was 17 years ago. On the other hand, we were never, strictly speaking, monogamous (by agreement, although our boundaries have flexed and changed over time - evolving to where we are now)

The problem, as I see it, is not that you are young or clingy - but that the two of you are not in the same "place" in terms of what you want. Which isn't to say it can't work at all (MrS had to wait 6 mos for me to "catch on" to the fact that we were even dating) - but you can't force feelings, and you have to be able to accept that he may never be in a place to want a deeper relationship with you. Which is sad, but not catastrophic if you are able to allow yourself to be open to other opportunities at the same time.

Just my two (or twenty-two) cents.

JaneQ
 
Posted with miss asmile's permission:

Not to be a creeper, but...

asmile said:
He was the one who said he was interested in poly...

Speaking :)

To add some context, I'm pretty sure the OP was from a night where she had a breakdown while spending the weekend alone, having realized she was being emotionally quite clingy. I comforted her best I could from afar and commended her for being self-aware about it. I have been working on fixing my clinginess myself, and setting boundaries has been a big step for me. I am her "first" in most ways, and so I am being patient and sympathetic as I can be to her learning. She is a wonderful, dependable friend who I am happy to have in my life, but emotionally, we are on different levels. Watching her slowly mature from her clingy, lonely, insecure self has been rewarding for me. I just hope I am not being a bad person by not loving her "the way she is". Then again, poly is about loving someone's personal growth right?

As she is emotionally still figuring herself out and such, finding a balance between giving and taking has been a challenge. I know if our friendship/relationship weren't open, I wouldn't be able to keep it going like this, which is why I am especially glad to be able to find this kind of support. I like not having to give up on a relationship just because it is not the greatest or because she is not "the one". As I've said, I find watching her mature internally is quite rewarding to me. That we are the younger side of the poly spectrum helps me see with bigger perspective what kinds of things I may look forward to and how much I needn't panic.

Trying to find a balance with her is challenging. Sometimes it has felt like she's just not getting it and that has been frustrating. She's still new to not being alone let alone having a close dedicated friendship let alone one that is open and poly in our day and age, so I am keeping that perspective in mind in that the struggle won't last forever. That said...

graviton said:
my advice is to change your expectations or step back from the relationship. It is far easier for you to lower your expectations for the relationship rather than to expect him to somehow create deeper feelings for the relationship. That is something that he will need to do on his own or not at all. If it hurt you too much then I would suggest you remove yourself from the relationship.

I especially like this advice. It gets a little overwhelming how she wants my romantic interest, or feels left out that I have romance with others but with her I feel emotionally not connected. I am hoping in time she finds a guy who can give her his all. Is that reasonable? Perhaps I am just hoping she finds self-confidence and self-reliance not to need to cling. I like her as a friend and that she wants things of me I simply won't feel is not going to change that I won't feel them, and actually makes it harder to.

JaneQSmythe said:
The problem, as I see it, is not that you are young or clingy - but that the two of you are not in the same "place" in terms of what you want. Which isn't to say it can't work at all (MrS had to wait 6 mos for me to "catch on" to the fact that we were even dating) - but you can't force feelings, and you have to be able to accept that he may never be in a place to want a deeper relationship with you. Which is sad, but not catastrophic if you are able to allow yourself to be open to other opportunities at the same time.

Just my two (or twenty-two) cents.

And this as well, too. :)
 
Wow... just wow.
You may not have intended to come across this way but your post sounds incredibly condescending, and really as if you hardly care about OP at all - or at least as if you are not interested in a relationship with her at all.
 
Wow... just wow.
You may not have intended to come across this way but your post sounds incredibly condescending, and really as if you hardly care about OP at all - or at least as if you are not interested in a relationship with her at all.

Where and in what ways do I give off that impression?
 
I don't think you came off the way Octopus said. I just think you were being direct and matter-of-fact about what you see and what is going on with you.

Look, the biggest challenge for the two of you -- and for all of us -- is to come to terms with expectations. Those expectations that are placed on us by the larger society in which we live, the smaller cultures we regularly interact within, our families, and so on, are extremely hard to shake. The ideas we form about how we can live up to those expectations become internal belief systems that limit us or deceive us into thinking we are unhappy, unsatisfied (or should feel unhappy and unsatisfied), simply because the expectations haven't been met. But most people rarely stop to question whether the expectations are realistic or even in tune with who we are as people.

There are expectations about what a relationship should look like, expectations about the direction a relationship should take, expectations about what women should want in relationships, expectations about what men should want, expectations about sex, about what is healthy communication and what should be kept to oneself, expectations about the the proper "role" of a partner, expectations about one's age and experience, blablablabla... gag!

Today I was thinking about the question that often gets asked of a person after they have been seeing someone romantically for a while. It is usually something like, "Are things getting serious?" or "Do you see it going somewhere?" Honestly, what do those questions even mean? Such questions come out of expectations and beliefs that a relationship isn't worth any effort if it isn't getting "serious" and going "somewhere." But what is "serious" supposed to look like, and just where, exactly, is this elusive "somewhere?"

Here are the questions I ask myself when in a relationship: Do I feel valued in this relationship? Do I feel heard in this relationship? Do I feel respected in this relationship? Do I feel comfortable enough to be myself with this person? Am I having fun? If I answer "YES" to all of these, but come up with a fuzzy "I'm not sure" or "Dunno" to "Are things getting serious?" or "Do you see it going somewhere?" - does that really merit getting upset or feeling disappointed when so many things are in my favor, and so many of my needs are being met, in the here and now?

Expectations are the ultimate buzzkill, because they distort reality and take us out of the present. And, if you think about it, the present moment is actually all we ever have.
 
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You're not clingy, telling yourself that is self-defeating. At 21, you're not fully formed yet!...You have a whole lifetime ahead of you for seducing and being seduced.

I hope I am at least a little bit formed :) But that being said, I do understand that that I am young, and have a lot to learn. I have already learned so much about myself and have definitely grown significantly through this. Though I can't say I am not looking forward to more seducing all around. That sounds okay with me.

Not to be a creeper, but...

Of course you are a creeper. But that is okay :)

Watching her slowly mature from her clingy, lonely, insecure self has been rewarding for me. I just hope I am not being a bad person by not loving her "the way she is". Then again, poly is about loving someone's personal growth right?

I know we have talked about this together, but since we are now throwing this out to other people I figured I would comment here as well. As we talked about, I think that taking a bit of a break from the self-betterment train is a good step for a little while. I think there needs to be a balance of wanting to see improvement, while also simply appreciating the person for who they are or “the way she is”. Both are important, and one cannot over step the other. To much towards the “fixing” mindset can feel very draining and like I am not good enough, while I don’t want to just sit back and stop striving for personal growth. Got to find the balance ;)

Those expectations that are placed on us by the larger society in which we live, the smaller cultures we regularly interact within, our families, and so on, are extremely hard to shake… There are expectations about what a relationship should look like, expectations about the direction a relationship should take, expectations about what women should want in relationships, expectations about what men should want, expectations about sex, about what is healthy communication and what should be kept to oneself, expectations about the the proper "role" of a partner, expectations about one's age and experience, blablablabla... gag!

Preach it! This is a great way of putting it. Part of the reason I was initially open to the idea of poly was because of how much I believe this to be a huge problem in our society. I think the control these perceived expectations have over us is incredibly powerful, and often invisible. My rational side has been able to see and understand this, but overtime I have let that side of me slip some. I have let society’s expectations start to shape what I think that I want, when in reality, I believe I am happy with the way it is.

Expectations are the ultimate buzzkill, because they distort reality and take us out of the present. And, if you think about it, the present moment is actually all we ever have.

This is so true. We have to just appreciate what we have, and enjoy the present. You can’t change the past, nor should you live in the future. Just live in the present.
 
Posted with miss asmile's permission:

I just hope I am not being a bad person by not loving her "the way she is".

I like not having to give up on a relationship just because it is not the greatest or because she is not "the one".

It gets a little overwhelming how she wants my romantic interest, or feels left out that I have romance with others but with her I feel emotionally not connected.

I suspect there will come a time, hopefully soon, when the OP will be ready to move her focus away from Hmmm and into something more mutual, with someone who considers her right for them just as she is.

Asmile, You're young, you're exploring and learning about yourself and that's great. It sounds like you grew a lot during this friendship, but perhaps it is no longer meeting your needs in its current incarnation. If you're happy doing a friends-with-benefits thing with Hmmm, that's great, but it's ok if you're just not that person. It took me many, many years to figure out that I just don't thrive in FWB relationships, and in my (vast) experience, they sure don't work when one person truly wants something more.

Personally, I get bored of FWB's quickly. I live for that emotional, romantic attachment, and when it doesn't materialize I prefer to turn my energies elsewhere. For others, FWB's work great for them. It's all ok. You will be ok if and when you let go of Hmmm whether you decide to stay FWB's or just platonic friends, or even if you decide you don't want to see him at all for a while because you need some time to get your head and heart in alignment. Do what you need to do to be comfortable in your own skin.
 
\Look, the biggest challenge for the two of you -- and for all of us -- is to come to terms with expectations. Those expectations that are placed on us by the larger society in which we live, the smaller cultures we regularly interact within, our families, and so on, are extremely hard to shake. The ideas we form about how we can live up to those expectations become internal belief systems that limit us or deceive us into thinking we are unhappy, unsatisfied (or should feel unhappy and unsatisfied), simply because the expectations haven't been met. But most people rarely stop to question whether the expectations are realistic or even in tune with who we are as people.

[...]

Expectations are the ultimate buzzkill, because they distort reality and take us out of the present. And, if you think about it, the present moment is actually all we ever have.

Buddha said:
Desire is the root of evil, illusion is the root of evil.

Another reason I like poly is it encourages people to search for truth and wisdom, more often than not :) I agree with every point of your rant against shoulds...*shudders*

LoveBunny said:
I suspect there will come a time, hopefully soon, when the OP will be ready to move her focus away from Hmmm and into something more mutual, with someone who considers her right for them just as she is.

Who knows where it may go? I have been encouraging the possibility of her finding someone else to be more of a "primary" lover for her, but in the end, whatever floats her boat and makes her feel valued and important will make her feel valued, important, content...and floaty :)

LoveBunny said:
It's all ok. ... Do what you need to do to be comfortable in your own skin.
 
Another reason I like poly is it encourages people to search for truth and wisdom, more often than not

You don't need poly for that. Monogamists search for truth and wisdom, too. Polyamorous relationships are certainly not the only path to enlightenment. It isn't the relationship structure that encourages anything; it's the people.
 
You don't need poly for that. Monogamists search for truth and wisdom, too. Polyamorous relationships are certainly not the only path to enlightenment. It isn't the relationship structure that encourages anything; it's the people.

I suppose that is true. In my experience (perhaps this is a generational divide?), people who start a monogamous relationship with someone do it out of insecurity, feeling like they "need" someone, like they want a scripted role to fit into... It usually seems so fake and forced to me. It's not just that they chose monogamy, it's like they think it's the only thing there is, and they're terrified to consider otherwise. I guess to each their own path...

...I apologize for hijacking the thread >.>
 
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