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Old 09-20-2010, 04:50 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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TeJeKo, this forum isnt really for sex advice per se. But most of us here really like sex, or we wouldnt be poly, b/c sexy feelings are involved with exploring multiple partners!

I know youre in therapy and it's apparent you have low self esteem and bad feelings about your body in general. How it looks, how it works. I am sure that's affecting your ability to orgasm with your current and past partners.

The advice here has been mechanical. Touch here, touch there, clit, gspot, vibrators, etc. This article addresses the mechanics as well as the emotional component, which seems to be your main issue.


I am sure, if you continue with therapy, your self-love and life in general will finally improve over time. Your sexual response and abilities will come along with that.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63)
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's bf since April 2013
BigGuy (poly, M, married, 43, dating me since late summer 2018)
Ravi (poly, M, married, 37, dating me since late summer 2018)
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Old 09-20-2010, 05:06 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Posts: 2,872

Our ex could not orgasm. Never has except on her own. She has sex because sex is fun. She likes getting laid. Period.

When and if she finds someone who she can become comfortably intimate with to have an orgasm with, she may find "just sex" is no longer worth it. Until then, the intimate act is the fun part.

Another thing popped into my head reading this. From yuor other posts about your distaste for vagina. I think you may need to look at your core distaste to really get comfortable in achieving orgasm through intercourse. Thats just a thought since orgasm has a lot to do with comfort (situation, self etc)...

Best of luck


Last edited by Ariakas; 09-20-2010 at 05:40 PM.
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Old 09-20-2010, 10:52 PM
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openmarriagelove openmarriagelove is offline
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I really think that no matter what I say you're going to have a bitter reply to it, as all of your replies here sound harsh and unappreciative of people reaching out to offer you advice, thoughts, suggestions. I see you are in therapy. Hopefully you can work out your issues there. Good luck. xoxo
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Old 09-21-2010, 12:14 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by openmarriagelove View Post
I really think that no matter what I say you're going to have a bitter reply to it, as all of your replies here sound harsh and unappreciative of people reaching out to offer you advice, thoughts, suggestions. I see you are in therapy. Hopefully you can work out your issues there. Good luck. xoxo
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Old 09-21-2010, 12:28 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Hi there, TeJoko!

I've only ever had orgasms during intercourse with one man, my husband. Even though, it's because my clitoris rubs against him, and I only reach orgasms with specific conditions, hardly all the time.

I don't think you're defective at all, I was talking with a friend today and she was talking about how she's never had an orgasm during intercourse, either.

You know how there is foreplay, and for guys intercourse is often the "main course"? Well that friend of mine kind of feels the other way. Intercourse for her is the "foreplay" or more the "middleplay", as her boyfriend typically gets her off once before it and once after (in various ways).
Sometimes she masturbates while he's inside. I've tried and don't like it. It "disturbs" my signals to have something inside while I'm using my hand. But if I rub my whole body against his, I get some clitoral stimulation this way.

It seems you're not interested in that, though. But from what I know, vaginal orgasm is a type of clitoral orgasm too, just with stimulating the clitoris from the inside, which rarely works by itself. And those women who can come during intercourse, how much foreplay did they get? Do they have to come once before? Do they have to get very close in other ways first?

You say "sex" but then you seem to be talking about intercourse only. That's hardly all there is about sex. Do you dislike all the rest?

For me, sex is about intimacy and sharing. Masturbation, when done on its own, doesn't provide that. Orgasms aren't essential, and I've had times before when I had sex and neither partner had an orgasm. There was still a point though, to me sex isn't about the orgasm or we'd just masturbate.

I definitely think any guy who pressures you or leads you to believe you're defective is doing it wrong. I was just reading an article the other day about how we're led to believe women should be able to come from intercourse, and women are led to believe something is wrong with them if they can't. It said that at least half the women couldn't and that meant the norm is not being able to, not the other way around.

I'll try to find the article again as I remember I found it very informative, and it seems to apply to your case.

EDIT: a few links

How to help a female partner reach orgasms (meant for male partners, but interesting either way)
How to reach orgasms (from the same website, targeted to women)
Answer to someone asking a similar question to yours
Other answer to similar question
And another one
Myths about female orgasms

In conclusion, I think your question "how can I achieve orgasm through intercourse with no other stimulation whatsoever?" is as likely to find a satisfactory answer as "How can I relive an itch on my nose by scratching my chin?". It just doesn't work that way for most people.
Me: 32F, straight
Seamus: My husband, 33M, straight
Fox: My boyfriend, 30M, homoflexible
Dragon: Fox's husband (and my ex), 30M, pansexual

Last edited by Tonberry; 09-21-2010 at 12:39 AM.
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Old 11-08-2010, 08:59 PM
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Narapela Narapela is offline
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Dear TeJoKo,

I understand absolutely your feelings and frustrations. The fact is that only arround a third of women can reach orgasm through penetration alone with no 'exterior' (vulva) stimulation whatsoever. Less than 20% can rely on vaginal penetration alone to reach orgasm every time.
There is nothing wrong with you - perhaps there is something wrong with the lovers you choose or feel attracted to for whatever reason, or perhaps you anticipate that your sexual 'performance' will be regarded as a measure of your love for your partner.
By the way, stimulating your vulva and external clitoris (or anything else) by your own hand while making love (or before making love, as part of private or partnered pleasure/ foreplay) is not masturbation - it is part of true love-making. The ultimate goal of love-making should not be orgasm for either partner.
(For the sake of information - masturbation used to be a taught art in many cultures as a necessary skil for self-loving)
To me orgasm and the effort to reach it is the ultimate vulnerability. I have also 'fucked' a great many men (and women) mostly without love being present in a real way and in 99% of times with no orgasm (I am damn good at faking it for the sake of ending it). No, I have never had a vaginal only orgasm.
The idea of the vaginal-only orgasm is perpetuated by commercial porn. While I am sex-positive, I hope that the truly sex-positive will eventually make true sex as performed by true amateurs (very few) the preferred porn by the informed for the uninformed.
I also believe that real and patient masturbation and experimentation without guilt, catalysed by an essential need to love oneself, may feed one's ability to respond to / be vulnerable to the physical love of another - if the fears are spoken.
Also know, that in my (embarassingly vast) experience of pleasuring others I have found that women who cannot reach orgasm by penetration alone (like me), often reach much stronger orgasms and are most likely to be multi-orgasmic, perhaps with some greater effort.
This may be a fleeting statement - but it is my experiential view.

As usual, I am babbling, and it probably became contradictory and confusing..
Please feel free to contact me.
I have to admit that I have not read most of the replies to your original quote and do not know whether I am repeating or conflicting anything mentioned by members earlier.

Tender regards,
"Confusing monogamy with morality has done more to destroy the conscience of the human race than any other error." George Bernard Shaw
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Old 11-09-2010, 03:01 AM
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Krazykitty Krazykitty is offline
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I thought the whole "vaginal orgasm" thing was a Freud nitpick to make chicks feel bad about themselves (no offense intended, sigmund). I can't recall an orgasm I've had without mucho, mucho clit banging involved. I always think of my clit as a tiny, tiny penis, you know the occasional guy whose penis head cannot be touched? That's like my clit. Touching the head of the little thing kills me!!! but mooshing the "foreskin" around the clit area is soooo great! Maybe taking a little time to get to know your clitty (and think of it as a mini penis, that helped me with the anatomy soo much!) will help with the pain/sensitivity issues you seem to have. The "foreskin" play is so nice during straight intercourse (can't have my legs up in the air is a problem though, foreskin can't be tight!) and works most of the time! Since we're ALL so very sexually different and diverse, I've tried to not feel bad about it either!! Good luck.
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Old 11-28-2010, 02:17 PM
Athena Athena is offline
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I had a long spell (fourteen years) that I was on medication that prevented any sexual satisfaction, even from masturbation, and it really quenched my interest in truly romantic rather than platonic relationships. I didn't see a point in having some one be stuck with a sex drive and a partner who didn't see much point in being sexy.
That being said, I do currently have a very loving and satisfying relationship with my husband, and we have a 7 month old child. Sometimes, thanks to some med changes, I do have a powerful sexual experience (not necessarily inclusive of orgasm, but with a great deal of pleasure), and since it is actually all due to meds that all existed these past fourteen years I say what a waste that no one paid attention to my sexual complaints and never did anything for them!
However, it seems you have actually no problem with having orgasm (can get it with a pocket rocket - so no physical defect). You are able to be excited by people who are new, but not those you are emotionally intimate with. I would suggest stop trying to force physical intimacy. Enjoy emotionally intimate friendships, and keep working in therapy on why you can't be physically joyful in your emotional relationships, and why sex seems like such a mechanical thing in general to you.
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Old 11-28-2010, 04:35 PM
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just3 just3 is offline
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Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post
To comment on the *words are not sex* comment. Words are not sex but sex starts in the mind. The most important sex organ IS the mind

He can talk to me, turn me on like no tomorrow and without EVER touching me, bring me to the brink of orgasm. 10 seconds of touching and that's it - I explode all over the place.

People on here talk about clitoral stimulation a lot because orgasm through vaginal stimulation is not common.

I don't orgasm from G-spots - even though its "common" I don't squirt, even though its "common" And I have NEVER had an orgasm through vaginal penetration on its own. Clitoral stimulation is always necessary.

My suggestion to you would be to spend some time with yourself. Touch your body in different ways, figure out what DOES feel good instead of focussing on what doesn't.

Have fun with it And don't put so much pressure on yourself to orgasm. Sex feels good. All of it - not just the orgasm part.

I agree with this. It does start in the mind. Lots of days I get turned on more than anything with the words. Relaxing and letting go helps with orgasms at all. If im tense its not gonna happen. Sometimes S will give me a nice long back rub first. And during the backrub theres teasing thrown in. I am also one of those who do not squirt or have g spot Os. I have to have the clitoral stimulation. Sometimes it takes longer than others. Sometimes its quick. S and my bf focus on me first. Which I believe is the sweetest thing. Mainly because they know that they are going to cum no matter what lol. And well it takes me a min. But its a guarantee that I will orgasm first. But like I said only clitoral will do it. I have never had a multiple. (maybe soon heehee) but thats because Im super sensitive afterwards and could never relax a second time. I love that Im cherished by both S and bf. Not everyones bodies work the same when it comes to having the big O. It took me years to relax enough to have one. And that was giving them to myself. I had a very rough past where sex was taken and for me to relax to enjoy the act took me a long time. There are many times that I dont orgasm still. But thats my choice. Days I just want to pleasure S. He might pout for a minute about the fact I just want to pleasure him, but honestly, it pleases me to make him cum. I dont have to have one everytime.
Anyways, just had to give my encouragement that it can happen. But its not going to be the same for you as it is your mom and sis. Hell I dont even wanna know how my siblings O !eek. Everyones different and its finding what pleases you and makes you feel good, and being able to relax and trust in the fact someone else is taking care of you. Dont stress yourself out trying to figure out why your not. Thats going to make it harder for you to achieve that elusive orgasm.
She is C He is S
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Old 11-28-2010, 05:53 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Hello and welcome.

There ARE medical conditions which cause sex to be painful no matter what position, no matter what is used. I would suggest a physical check up with your gyno doc to rule out any physical problems.

For the last six years of her life sex was painful for my Mom. My parents stopped having sex because of this. My dad talked to the doctor the other day to find out if her cancer could have been the cause of this. The doc said it was a distinct possibility.

My mom was a very private person so wouldn't bring this up with her doctor therefore it was never looked after. If she had brought it up when sex first became painful she might be alive today.

Yes, you need to get the psychological aspect looked after but please get the physical looked after as well. Maybe the cover on your clit is missing or doesn't quite cover the clit which would cause painful stimulation. Please, get yourself checked out. I would hate to have someone else miss a big problem because they couldn't talk to their doctor about sexual problems.

As for what's the purpose or point of sex. For me it's the added level of intimacy, the mental/emotional connection. There is absolutely no way I have an orgasm every single time I have sex, not even 1 in 10 times! There are times when I get very little out of sex at all but I do it because it's not all about me. His needs need to be met as well. If either of my boyfriends want sex & we have the time I'll oblige simply because they oblige me when I need it and they don't. I love them both & for me doing something simply because it's something they want right then and there is part of who I am. It doesn't always work this way but when we have the time and the need, why not? There are many more ways to have sex than simply insertion.
There are as many ways to do polyamory as there are people practicing it!
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