A point to sex without orgasm?

TeJoKo

New member
I am wondering what the point is to sex if you can't orgasm?
My boyfriend says the closeness, but we can have that closeness just cuddling before sleep. The touching and caressing? He can do that while we watch tv... He just tried to show me, by kissing me and squeezing my boob, and it made me feel like a piece of meat.

I feel defective because I am incapable of vaginal orgasm. I feel like what is the point? I don't want to get pregnant, and can't have vaginal orgasm, why put a penis in there at all when I can just wait until everyone's gone to work and get out my pocket rocket? And if I have to masturbate to to feel even the slightest bit orgasmic, why shouldn't he?

I read the 'Ejaculation' post on here, and tried it. No luck. It was uncomfortable and a bit painful. It feels like a full bladder, which is painful to me. And it left my vagina sore for two days from a finger being in there. Not like I want to basically pee everywhere anyway, I just want to have a vaginal orgasm. I just want to not be defective. ... My mom suggests that maybe they're doing it wrong... But I doubt 50 guys have ALL always done it wrong. My boyfriend can give other women orgasms, just not me.

I anticipate you all hating me before long due to my negativity, but whatever. I need somewhere to vent, and this is the only place I have available.
 
Why not combine regular sex with the vibrator?

Lots of people have to get creative to make it fulfilling for everyone involved, and that's ok. There's no way that you HAVE to have sex.
 
Why not combine regular sex with the vibrator?

Lots of people have to get creative to make it fulfilling for everyone involved, and that's ok. There's no way that you HAVE to have sex.
Sex with the vibrator doesn't get me off either. IF I can even get and keep it in the right spot, its hard enough to stay in the right angle. I have to be still and so does he, and guys don't like dead weight in bed, right? (Any in/out movement will prevent me from getting off) And generally it causes too much stimulation and it makes my clit hurt.

I don't want to have to rely on toys to enjoy sex. I WANT to have a vaginal orgasm, I want to not be defective. If I am going to use my toy, why have sex at all? Why have sex at all anyway?
 
Not having a vaginal orgasm is not uncommon - if I accurately recall the multiple surveys (scientific and otherwise) that I've read on the subject. So, I would assert that not being able to experience, in fact, does not make you defective. If that were the case - a large swath of the femail population would be as well.

I don't recall the specifics. But, in my own experience, it's only about 1/2 of the women I've been with are regularly able to have vaginal orgasms without alternative stimulation. For each it's different. For some, maybe a 1/3 of those who don't, I'm regularly successful with manual stimulation while having intercourse. But, it's not nearly an always thing. With many of the others, it's a real crapshoot. But, I have been fairly successful of getting them to orgasm prior to or immediately after vaginal intercourse.

Because I can typically engage in vaginal intercourse for extended periods of time, it's never been an issue of not having enough time for her to get there. I suppose it still could be the motion itself - but, when given, I take direction very well. Because of finding it frequently the case that many women don't easily orgasm vaginally without aid, i've never felt it to be anything but fairly normal outcome based on the structure of women's anatomy.

But, to your point of why have sex if you don't orgasm. I believe that there is something special about having vaginal intercourse. But, I view it as one of a number of exciting intimate activities I love to engage in. It matters not to me exactly where my member happens to be when climax occurs. But, I would guess that's a common sentiment for a guy :cool: For some women, it seems that there's an over-investment (emotionally) in being able to climax via penis insertion alone. Not being a woman, I'm not sure I understand it.
 
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Not having a vaginal orgasm is not uncommon - if I accurately recall the multiple surveys (scientific and otherwise) that I've read on the subject. So, I would assert that not being able to experience, in fact, does not make you defective. If that were the case - a large swath of the femail population would be as well.

I don't recall the specifics. But, in my own experience, it's only about 1/2 of the women I've been with are regularly able to have vaginal orgasms without alternative stimulation. For each it's different. For some, maybe a 1/3 of those who don't, I'm regularly successful with manual stimulation while having intercourse. But, it's not nearly an always thing. With many of the others, it's a real crapshoot. But, I have been fairly successful of getting them to orgasm prior to or immediately after vaginal intercourse.

Because I can typically engage in vaginal intercourse for extended periods of time, it's never been an issue of not having enough time for her to get there. I suppose it still could be the motion itself - but, when given, I take direction very well. Because of finding it frequently the case that many women don't easily orgasm vaginally without aid, i've never felt it to be anything but fairly normal outcome based on the structure of women's anatomy.

But, to your point of why have sex if you don't orgasm. I believe that there is something special about having vaginal intercourse. But, I view it as one of a number of exciting intimate activities I love to engage in. It matters not to me exactly where my member happens to be when climax occurs. But, I would guess that's a common sentiment for a guy :cool: For some women, it seems that there's an over-investment (emotionally) in being able to climax via penis insertion alone. Not being a woman, I'm not sure I understand it.

Half could orgasm regularly? Of the women I've talked to, three of them, al three have, but none regularly. I CANNOT AT ALL, NEVER HAVE, NEVER GET CLOSE. SEX NEVER FEELS ORGASMIC TO ME.

None of these replies here apply to me. They all make me feel MORE defective. At least all these other women are capable.
 
Perhaps it was not clear, but a good portion of them couldn't orgasm vaginally at all.

Even those who could, required manual stimulation while having intercourse that's only 1/3 of that 1/2.

I'm sure my experience isn't representative (as any one person's experience is hard to extrapolate as representative), but still that's a good many women running around not having vaginal orgasms.

I would hesitate to believe that there are that many defective women running around. In other words, it seems to be well within the normal range of women's responsiveness to penile insertion alone. That may not make you feel better about it. But, it's not an operational defect even if still disappointing. This, in essence, was my point.
 
Perhaps it was not clear, but a good portion of them couldn't orgasm vaginally at all.

Even those who could, required manual stimulation while having intercourse that's only 1/3 of that 1/2.

I'm sure my experience isn't representative (as any one person's experience is hard to extrapolate as representative), but still that's a good many women running around not having vaginal orgasms.

I would hesitate to believe that there are that many defective women running around. In other words, it seems to be well within the normal range of women's responsiveness to penile insertion alone. That may not make you feel better about it. But, it's not an operational defect even if still disappointing. This, in essence, was my point.

Manual stimulation would make it clitoral, not vaginal, yes?
hands on my clit is also irritating.
If I am not defective, then other women have special abilities? Our bodies clearly do not work the same, so it is one or the other...
 
If I am not defective, then other women have special abilities? Our bodies clearly do not work the same, so it is one or the other...

Yes different women's bodies work differently, one way of being isn't better or worse than another. Some women are multi orgasmic and others are not, some have vaginal orgasms some don't, some like oral some don't. It's not a comparison thing, you know what works for you for you to get off the heck with what works for other women. If you don't want to have vaginal sex because you don't get anything from it then don't.
 
Exactly. There is quite a bit of confusion about clitoral versus vaginal orgasm... some researchers contend that there's really no such thing as vaginal intercourse. They argue that so-called vaginal orgasms are in fact the result of clitoral stimulus. But...

From psych wiki:
"Recent discoveries about the size of the clitoris - it extends inside the body, around the vagina - complicate or may invalidate attempts to distinguish clitoral vs. vaginal orgasms. Recent anatomical research shows that there are nerves connecting intravaginal tissues and the clitoris. This, with the anatomical evidence that the internal part of the clitoris is a much larger organ than previously thought, could explain credible reports of orgasms in women who have undergone clitorectomy as part of female circumcision. The link between the clitoris and the vagina is evidence that the clitoris is the 'seat' of the female orgasm and is far more wide-spread than the visible part most people associate with it. But it is possible that some women have more extensive clitoral tissues and nerves than others, and so that some women can achieve orgasm only by direct stimulation of the external part of the clitoris."

So, it may be moot as we learn more about female anatomy.
 
The short answer is because it feels good.

If it doesn't feel good - don't do it.

I don't *orgasm* from anal intercourse. But I do it a lot because it feels good.

There's no reproduction, no orgasm, just good feelings.

Its too bad you're not in the Vancouver area - I know someone who does amazing workshops - oh - if you're near one of the Taboo Sex Shows - catch Jennifer's workshops - they're only 30 mins - but fairly informative.

Good luck.

Jane
 
I just joined, but I can't help to read your post and feel like I should help. My day job is a sex educator and so perhaps my credentials will help you believe the previous answer a little more. Only 23-27% of American women actually have an orgasm from sex. Many friends lie because like you they think it's not normal if they're not having an orgasm from sex. And by sex I mean the most common referred to action of penis in vagina. Sex to everyone is different and to some means no penetration at all, but from reading I think to you it means penetration.

Without understanding your body you're going to continue to be frustrated that you feel like you're not being normal in your sex practices. However if you had any idea how common it is for women to be frustrated like you because they are not having an orgasm with their partner inside of them you'd feel much more normal.

I would really recommend getting more comfortable with understanding how orgasm and your vagina works before working on it with your partner as a personal understanding helps in connecting with your partner much more. He's not very far off base asking for intimacy without orgasm. This is very common and can be acheived if you take the equation of sex and make it simpler. To some poeple sex starts from the minute they get up with a sexy note they leave for their partner before they leave for work, or a sexy text they send, or the fact that they went out of their way to grab something special for dinner because they knew their partner had a rough day. When you confine labeling "sex" to just when penetration occurs in the bedroom you restrict your mind and body to all kinds of experiences of intimacy and sensation and absolute wonderfulness that is waiting for you if you're willing to experience it. I'd strongly suggest reading I Love Female Orgasm and try reconnecting with yourself.

Good luck :) xo
 
A 2005 twin study found that one in three women reported never or seldom achieving orgasm during intercourse, and only one in ten always orgasmed. This variation in ability to orgasm, generally thought to be psychosocial, was found to be 34% to 45% genetic. The study, examining 4000 women, was published in Biology letters, a Royal Society journal.
 
I think the point of sex in a relationship is to feel that bond and to make eachother feel good. Now in your situation, it's a bit complicated, but I think he still just wants to feel that sexual closeness, and also he wants to orgasm.

my best advice is oral. Give him head, he gets off, your vaj isn't hurt. He may also be able to make u feel good, even if not cum, with some good tongue work. Or let him use the toy on you, tell him where you like it. It'll at least help him feel a part of your pleasure..
 
Sex is an energy exchange...orgasm is a massive dump of energy but not necessary for me. It's like holding in a secret and then finally just blurting it out; the pressure subsides for a while until you need to tell another secret;)

I could exchange energy all day!
 
My point in posting all of this, is that whoever or whatever put the notion in your head that you are defective is plain wrong.

More backgorund... "The "two-orgasm theory" (the belief that in females there is a vaginal orgasm and a clitoral orgasm), has been criticized by feminists such as Ellen Ross and Rayna Rapp as a "transparently male perception of the female body". The concept of purely vaginal orgasm was first postulated by Sigmund Freud. In 1905, Freud argued that clitoral orgasm was an adolescent phenomenon, and upon reaching puberty the proper response of mature women changes to vaginal orgasms. While Freud provided no evidence for this basic assumption, the consequences of the theory were greatly elaborated, partly because many women felt inadequate when they could not achieve orgasm via vaginal intercourse that involved little or no clitoral stimulation. Freud's claims about this and many other biological subjects, were later largely proven false or based on supposition."

Got to love Freud, still warping minds nearly a 100 years later. (I was trained in psycho-dynamic theory - the modern incarnation of Freud's psychoanalysis so that was not a completely random comment).

And, more recently... "In 1966, Masters and Johnson published pivotal research about the phases of sexual stimulation. Their work included women and men, and unlike Alfred Kinsey earlier (in 1948 and 1953), tried to determine the physiological stages before and after orgasm. One of the results was the promotion of the idea that vaginal and clitoral orgasms follow the same stages of physical response. Masters and Johnson also argued that clitoral stimulation is the primary source of orgasms."

Same source psych wiki.

Clitoral orgasms are the bomb (or so I've been told). Enjoy them. Why worry abou the rest?
 
Yes different women's bodies work differently, one way of being isn't better or worse than another. Some women are multi orgasmic and others are not, some have vaginal orgasms some don't, some like oral some don't. It's not a comparison thing, you know what works for you for you to get off the heck with what works for other women. If you don't want to have vaginal sex because you don't get anything from it then don't.
That just makes me feel MORE defective.

I can't believe that having multiple vaginal orgasms isn't BETTER than having no vaginal orgasms. I doubt you will find a woman out there who wishes she didn't have vaginal orgasms. But if you do, introduce us. Maybe her logic will make sense to me.
 
A 2005 twin study found that one in three women reported never or seldom achieving orgasm during intercourse, and only one in ten always orgasmed. This variation in ability to orgasm, generally thought to be psychosocial, was found to be 34% to 45% genetic. The study, examining 4000 women, was published in Biology letters, a Royal Society journal.

My mom and sister can orgasm during sex.
 
Recipe:
Girl on Top
Penis in Vagina
Hitachi Magic Wand on Clit

Guaranteed.
 
My mom and sister can orgasm during sex.

And so, your grandmother or father could be to blame. Genes are as often passed through - without the parent having the gene expressed - as they are passed on from a parent who clearly has that gene.

My point still stands. You have good company with nearly 30% of all women. And, there's sufficient scientific basis to suggest that a vaginal orgasm is indeed based in the clitoris. As such, why be concerned with clitoral stimulation during penile insertion? Why torture yourself with this [false] view of yourself as defective with ample evidence to the contrary?
 
I just joined, but I can't help to read your post and feel like I should help. My day job is a sex educator and so perhaps my credentials will help you believe the previous answer a little more. Only 23-27% of American women actually have an orgasm from sex. Many friends lie because like you they think it's not normal if they're not having an orgasm from sex. And by sex I mean the most common referred to action of penis in vagina. Sex to everyone is different and to some means no penetration at all, but from reading I think to you it means penetration.

Without understanding your body you're going to continue to be frustrated that you feel like you're not being normal in your sex practices. However if you had any idea how common it is for women to be frustrated like you because they are not having an orgasm with their partner inside of them you'd feel much more normal.

I would really recommend getting more comfortable with understanding how orgasm and your vagina works before working on it with your partner as a personal understanding helps in connecting with your partner much more. He's not very far off base asking for intimacy without orgasm. This is very common and can be acheived if you take the equation of sex and make it simpler. To some poeple sex starts from the minute they get up with a sexy note they leave for their partner before they leave for work, or a sexy text they send, or the fact that they went out of their way to grab something special for dinner because they knew their partner had a rough day. When you confine labeling "sex" to just when penetration occurs in the bedroom you restrict your mind and body to all kinds of experiences of intimacy and sensation and absolute wonderfulness that is waiting for you if you're willing to experience it. I'd strongly suggest reading I Love Female Orgasm and try reconnecting with yourself.

Good luck :) xo

I understand my body better than anyone my age could really hope to. I have had a lot of damn sex, probably more than many people twice my age (more than my mother and my sister, who both have vaginal orgasms.) I don't have female friends. I have been asking my mother, my sister, my boyfriend's girlfriend. Even my exboyfriend's girlfriend. All can do it except me. I have been told its age, but one of them is 21, so I call bullshit on that.

Sex starts when SEX starts. Words are not sex. I don't get horny from words that come from someone I've known for years... only from people I am just meeting. I can be turned on by people I've known for years, sometimes, but I usually just shave sex out of obligation with them. I HATE that about me and am going to see a psychologist for it... so all these people telling me just not to do it isn't helping what so ever. I want to understand, not just NOT do it.

Please explain how restricting sex to what sex actually is is restricting my and and body. I mean, if all those things you mentioned are sex, then I have sex with my mom, just without the physical stuff... except when she hugs me against my will. (I HATE being touched when I am upset, but she just says "I'm your mother", which to me means she should know better or care more, but whatever.)
Also under that logic I can have sex with my boyfriend without him knowing... or have sex with him while he is at work then not even touch him when he gets home. That just makes no sense to me.
 
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