What's in it for a unicorn?

Thanks for your input, Pollyshari!

I can see a triad working when A, B and C relate in following ways; A is friends with B, B is friends with C, A is friends with C. In my ABC-friendship triad, usually when any two people get together, talk at some point turns into gossiping about the absent friend, making gentle fun of them and then wondering why they are not there and if we could maybe call or drive by their place. Or we can always have a conference call, if they are REALLY busy.

I could see the power balance in a triad going three-ways (at least):

1) married people (or the original couple) first. The couple has known each other longer and is used to backing each other up.

2) gender solidarity. In most triads, they are two people who share a gender identification and the acculturation that comes with it.

3) the more connected couple first. Usually it's somewhat hard to talk, have sex or spend time together with both of your two partners equally. The one whom you feel more connected to might change over time and from situation to situation, though. Say A and C are sports fans and B detests sweating, even if by watching others do it. B might have to think up something to do during Super Bowl season.

All of these 3 possible power pairings are likely to be at work at the same time, and if they are well-balanced, I don't see why the situation should be necessarily exploitative/secondary for the unicorn.
 
Wow, an interesting thread.

I guess no bona fide unicorns have joined in yet? My reasons to go couple-hunting:

1) I already have a primary I'm not sexual with.
2) I'm not interested in having biological children, but would be very supportive if the couple did. I would cherish a co-mother/auntie position.
3) Bisexuality is a strong factor.
4) I love the energy couples have. It would bring me deep joy and contentment to see to people I love love each other.
5) I have a very high need of physical and emotional space.

I know that point 1) already disqualifies me from true unicornism, and I'd never agree on a polyfi triad. But that might just be general need of space - I'm not the least bit more interested in bigamy than I am in monogamy.

This may be off topic, but I've seen a few of your posts and they are really interesting. My wife and I are becoming more and more interested in a triad with a, well...unicorn (?)...but how does that happen? I mean, this time it was an 11th hour save after a trainwrack that was mostly my own fault. But, if my wife and I really wanted to meet a...unicorn (?)...and bring her into our marriage...how would we do that?
 
This may be off topic, but I've seen a few of your posts and they are really interesting. My wife and I are becoming more and more interested in a triad with a, well...unicorn (?)...but how does that happen? I mean, this time it was an 11th hour save after a trainwrack that was mostly my own fault. But, if my wife and I really wanted to meet a...unicorn (?)...and bring her into our marriage...how would we do that?
There are many threads on these questions if you do a tag search for "unicorn" "unicorns."

From what I know having been here for two years is that many people who have had a successful experience with unicorns just found them by chance, rather than by searching... it seems to me that people have a good friend who turns into something more and then they share their lives together. The relationships that don't seem to work out are the ones where a triad is the only dynamic that is acceptable and when it is forced it implodes on those involved... mostly it seems that husband/male falls more in love with one of the females than the other and that female runs out, or becomes un-in-love with the other female.

I personally don't feel a triad needs to stay a triad. There is nothing wrong with a vee, but people seem to set themselves up and don't talk about what to do if love isn't as strong for one or more of the three. Planning ahead and being a little more open to change would mean that everyone might be more able to adjust and change as time goes on...

Of course often jealousy comes up for the one that is not being "loved" as much, but if they are able to become open to other love and some good boundaries are set when the vee formation begins, then I would think that there could be a great relationship dynamic out of it all. After all, a good metamour relationship is sometimes as good as a partnership. The only difference sometimes is sex, and the lack of interest in investing in a metamour as a partner "that" way. My men are the best of friends and spend more time with each other than most friends do. They are excellent metamours. We have even had threesomes together... but that is not a triad, we have a vee... the love is there, just not the partnership in "that" way as it is in a triad.
 
I think the first mistake you can do on an unicorn hunt is to treat people as 'prospective unicorns' instead of people. I think there are other women out there looking for love, and to be given a set of rules and limitations you have to meet BEFOREHAND in order to be lovable is the best way to arouse disinterest in the unicorn you want to court.

From what I've read in your 'Chinese Gangs' thread, you might have just stumbled upon an unicorn survivor of your particular train wreck. As you see, a pure accident. Very unlikely. Human chemistry is. Or you can totally disregard all and any advice you receive and just go on OkCupid, which is what I did, and the results so far have not been disastrous. Again, a pure accident.

I think many unicorn hunters would sleep better if they would consider at least three things before embarking on their hunt;
1) Your unicorn might be in a primary relationship already, and not interested in moving in with you.
2) Your unicorn might have a busy social life of her own and not be interested in forsaking all her other connections to be with you.
3) As redpepper pointed out, you might have a lovely vee situation developing, which will surely go all to hell if you force it to become a triad.

I would feel totally put off by having to act as a sexual resource to the other person in the couple just to make sure they don't get overly jealous of my connection with their partner. In love all things are not equal; you might be the best of friends, even FWBs, with the other partner but really IN LOVE in the ooshy-mooshy way with the other partner.
 
Lots of good stuff to think about in this thread. Thanks to BlackUnicorn and GroundedSpirit for their explorations into the up side of unicornity.

So, let's say, just for argument's sake, that there's a newly formed triad consisting of a long-term, historically mono married couple and a bi woman. Let's say that, at least at the moment, they all feel an equally strong emotional bond with each other. And let's say that all three of them sincerely want to make this work as a long-term relationship. What advice would you experienced poly folks have for -- well, for any of them, but particularly for the married couple? What adjustments in their own relationship should they expect to have to make? What can they do to make this an easier transition for the single woman? What are all those things that relationships like this fall apart because the married couple doesn't do?

This isn't a theoretical question, in case that wasn't obvious. I'm the guy in the married couple. We never thought we'd be doing this, we weren't out looking for a polyamorous relationship and never even considered one, but then we met this woman who we both find that we want to be around all the time, and she seems to want that too. We're all kind of terrified, and we have no idea what the hell we've gotten ourselves into here, but we've decided to take some time to explore whether it could work. So the floor is open: what should we, the long-term married ones, do to improve the chances?
 
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I second PolyNewbie's question. Hades36 and I find ourselves with the possibility of a triad with a single woman as well, but all three of us are having some nervous feelings about what all of this means and how to make it all work. It's complicated by the fact that I found out about the woman when it came out that Hades had been messing around with her behind my back. We've pretty much resolved that, but it does add some extra emotions/issues for me.

Any advice/experiences from more experienced folks would be greatly appreciated!
 
My strongest piece of advice (and I'm not in a triad, I'm in a V) is to allow for each "couple" (him and 1st her, him and 2nd her, 1 & 2 hers) to spend time together without the other party.

My next piece of advice is to spend time together (not in bed) as a group of 3.
 
I thank all for the open and candid discussions that are going on in this thread. I was told just 5 days ago that my wife of 14 years is bi-sexual. I truly don't know what I am in for yet and appreciate all of the advice that everyone has to offer. I believe we have the relationship that can survive.

I can tell you that when the conversation happened with my for me it was an enlightening experience. It really changed the dynamics of our marriage overnight in a very positive way and she and I for the first time in years feel like newlyweds again--so much to explore!

I hold the utopian view that we can find that unicorn...we have so much to offer! In my heart I see her desire to experience the love from another woman and it makes me glow. I will for one keep hope alive as I am a man of seeing the glass as half full. I hope beyond all hope that there is a woman out there that can love us!
 
I hold the utopian view that we can find that unicorn...we have so much to offer!
Well this idea is probably not the best place to come from from what I have seen. A monogamous mindset doesn't work in poly. It seems to work better to come at it from an independent person point of view. You are your own person, your partner is their own person, your other partner is their own person.

What couples seem to miss is that this is THREE people. Not a couple and their unicorn... sure that is the beginning sexy NRE stage, but for the long haul, if you truly want the long haul... its okay if you don't, then I would suggest breaking your thoughts down into you, her and her... you and her, her and you and her and her.... not couple and her. YOU as an individual have a lot to offer, and aren't you fortunate that you are with someone that is wonderful and also has a lot to offer....
I was told just 5 days ago that my wife of 14 years is bi-sexual.
Secondly, this is VERY NEW, give it some time and just enjoy your partners excitement...just because your wife is bi doesn't mean that you will end up in a triad... it isn't the most common dynamic. She may very well want her own lover one day without you. In fact, that is most likely to happen along the line. Even after a triad unicorn thing happens.... the two of them might want to be together and you aren't invited any more... or you and the new woman might want to be together and she isn't invited any more, or the two women might not want each other any move... making a vee.

I suggest you do some tag searching on here for "unicorns," "secondary" and "triads"....and "vees" (have I not mentioned this on this thread already!:confused:)It sounds like you are new to poly and have some educating to do.... glad you are having a good time with your partner, but before adding another, I suggest you make sure you know what to expect and what to look out for. That way no one gets hurt.
 
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Well this idea is probably not the best place to come from from what I have seen. A monogamous mindset doesn't work in poly. It seems to work better to come at it from an independent person point of view. You are your own person, your partner is their own person, your other partner is their own person.

What couples seem to miss is that this is THREE people. Not a couple and their unicorn... sure that is the beginning sexy NRE stage, but for the long haul, if you truly want the long haul... its okay if you don't, then I would suggest breaking your thoughts down into you, her and her... you and her, her and you and her and her.... not couple and her. YOU as an individual have a lot to offer, and aren't you fortunate that you are with someone that is wonderful and also has a lot to offer....

Secondly, this is VERY NEW, give it some time and just enjoy your partners excitement...just because your wife is bi doesn't mean that you will end up in a triad... it isn't the most common dynamic. She may very well want her own lover one day without you. In fact, that is most likely to happen along the line. Even after a triad unicorn thing happens.... the two of them might want to be together and you aren't invited any more... or you and the new woman might want to be together and she isn't invited any more, or the two women might not want each other any move... making a vee.

I suggest you do some tag searching on here for "unicorns," "secondary" and "triads"....and "vees" (have I not mentioned this on this thread already!:confused:)It sounds like you are new to poly and have some educating to do.... glad you are having a good time with your partner, but before adding another, I suggest you make sure you know what to expect and what to look out for. That way no one gets hurt.

Ahhhh yess so much to learn and so many emotions.
 
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I was told just 5 days ago that my wife of 14 years is bi-sexual.

In my heart I see her desire to experience the love from another woman and it makes me glow.

I hope beyond all hope that there is a woman out there that can love us!

Or a man. Just sayin'. If you are opening your relationship to poly dynamics, one thing that you need to eventually come to terms with is the possibility that she will find another MAN she wants to explore her feelings with. Or that you might find another woman she is not interested in.
 
Lots of good stuff to think about in this thread. ...........
We're all kind of terrified, and we have no idea what the hell we've gotten ourselves into here, but we've decided to take some time to explore whether it could work. So the floor is open: what should we, the long-term married ones, do to improve the chances?

Hi Newbie,

Valid question(s)

A certain amount of common sense will illuminate certain obvious things.
Number one is that by dropping all labels (poly, primary, secondary, unicorn etc) you remember that this third person is exactly that - a 'person'. Human, caring, loving, unique person. In many ways we all want the same thing. To be respected. To feel valued. Maybe to be 'loved' (whatever that is). To be desired (for those qualities/reasons).
None of this is unique to poly (multiple) relationships. So it can get distorted when people try to paint the critical parts of a relationship with a different brush when the basics really havent changed but only the count. All confused.
If we focus on the fundementals we stand a much better chance of bypassing all this confusion.
Are we doing this ?

The whole dynamic of a triad, quad etc etc has often been given a different paint job, complete with all it's own labels, new rules & guidelines etc and it seems in a majority of cases it comes to over-shadow the basics and of course those now get lost. And when you lose those basics of human interaction things start to break down. But it's not because of the increased number or new labels !

So how to avoid this ?
Keep focused on the basics ! Let the group dynamic follow THAT lead ! Healthy seeds generally grow healthy plants but seldom the reverse.

I think a second thing that often complicates and poisons many poly relationships is this utopian concept of "equality". Especially in the west, there seems to be a certain indoctrination that leads people to believe that "equality" is this wonderful, desirable thing and that lacking it shows some failing. Well.......guess what. (In my opinion/experience) There IS NO 'equality' in life ! But there are things such as 'good', 'sufficient', 'healthy', 'balance'.
This seems to be an important sticking point in early stages of poly relationships. Especially when adding someone(s) to a previously existing relationship. Even if it's only a few hours old ! The 'existing' relationship is there. It has at least some history. It's established at least some patterns. It's held together by certain components.
Any addition to this, has by nature, got to start from scratch. I think we all understand this - just choose to ignore it sometimes. We don't want to wait. We want everything to just go POP and be there as if it had always existed that way.
Well.....that ain't happening......

So the most promising approach seems to consist of a few fundemental steps.
Be aware.
Be kind.
Be compassionate.
Be PATIENT.
Be realistic.
And the overworn phrase......COMMUNICATE !

It's a learning (and UNlearning) experience. Mistakes are going to be made.
Some people like to frame discussion like this in terms of "needs" but I'm not one who likes the implications of what comes with that term. So I avoid it. But there are certain things that have shown themselves to be 'healthy', 'solid', 'desirable' and yes, 'fundemental'. If we keep those things in the forefront it seems things tend to flow smoother and have higher success rates. Target those.

My thoughts only......

GS
 
Or a man. Just sayin'. If you are opening your relationship to poly dynamics, one thing that you need to eventually come to terms with is the possibility that she will find another MAN she wants to explore her feelings with. Or that you might find another woman she is not interested in.

Good point.

Our.. first rung was my wife wanting to be with other women. We didn't..and it wasn't.. poly at the time. We just enjoyed the fun sex of girl on girl...

As time went on it all progressed into much much more. We remained open to the opportunities that being open allowed us and then being poly allowed us.

Being open minded put me in a position today that is...amazing
 
It's a learning (and UNlearning) experience. Mistakes are going to be made.
GS

That's probably the best piece of advice so far. Thanks for pointing that out. We're all brand-new to this; none of us has ever been in a relationship before that involved more than two people. So with the best will in the world, somebody is probably going to do something that makes someone else feel bad. So we need to establish a base understanding that we really all do want this to work and try to treat the mistakes as learning opportunities.

The other good piece of advice, I thought, is for us, the long-term married couple, to not look at this as an us-and-her relationship, but rather two independent one-to-one relationships in addition to the one we already have. I can see where that might take some mental discipline sometimes, but it's a very valid point and worth keeping in mind.

It's a grand adventure, that's for sure. Like I said before, neither my wife nor I was looking for this. If you'd asked us, say, a year ago whether we wanted a long-term, committed triad relationship with another woman, we'd have laughed and said no, that's not really the sort of thing we'd be interested in. We're still not interested in it as a general proposition; just with this one particular person.

Here's a sort of silly question, but it's going to come up at some point: what do I call her? As in "this is my wife, B, and my _______, T." (Not their real initials.) I mean, my wife is still going to be my wife; that's not going to stop, we made a promise about that 20-odd years ago. Partner? Girlfriend? Polyamorous secondary? (Just kidding about that last one. The whole primary/secondary thing feels wrong here.) Perhaps I should fall back on "ummer," as in "this is my, umm, errr . . ."
 
You would eventually have to ask her what she wants to be called.
 
call her what ever name comes up; sweetie, other significant other (OSO), lover, girlfriend, other wife (OW), partner... these are to name a few.
 
...............
The other good piece of advice, I thought, is for us, the long-term married couple, to not look at this as an us-and-her relationship, but rather two independent one-to-one relationships in addition to the one we already have. I can see where that might take some mental discipline sometimes, but it's a very valid point and worth keeping in mind.

You can find this detailed on other posts here a lot. Sorry I can't quickly come with a link or reference. Look at stuff Ari has posted - he's outlined it very well.....
There are actually 4 relationships in a triad.


Here's a sort of silly question, but it's going to come up at some point: what do I call her? As in "this is my wife, B, and my _______, T." (Not their real initials.) I mean, my wife is still going to be my wife; that's not going to stop, we made a promise about that 20-odd years ago. Partner? Girlfriend? Polyamorous secondary? (Just kidding about that last one. The whole primary/secondary thing feels wrong here.) Perhaps I should fall back on "ummer," as in "this is my, umm, errr . . ."

If you think this through you'll probably realize that this will vary. Vary depending on the audience and vary depending on the evolution of the relationship at first.

So although as someone mentioned, she will likely have her own preference when you are navigating in a strictly poly circle, in the 'vanilla' world what term you use will be adjusted to fit the audience. Anything from friend, relative (12th cousin), SPECIAL friend......etc

But it will likely also vary as the relationship grows and evolves. Grow from maybe friend, to FWB, to SO, to ASM (additional soul mate).......who knows ! Just hopefully it doesn't become "ex" :)


Good luck.

GS
 
I kinda like "other wife/other husband," because others are not quite sure if you are joking, you know?! They can interpret it any way they like but it adds a sense of lightness, since, well, legally (in most parts of this country and others) there can be no such thing :)

I watched that show, "Sister Wives," and I tell you I sure saw lots of potential benefits to being in a polyamorous ("unicornian"?) relationship, for sure. While I personally don't believe in the polygamy model, especially with its strictly patriarchal bias, it did really help me in thinking creatively. My 14-year old daughter loved the show too, and kept asking me if we could get a sister wife!!!

I am not bi, but aside from the sexual aspect I would LOVE to have another woman around the house, as a friend and someone to learn from and grow with. My husband is not bi, but we entertained the idea of having another man in our life, in the same way. (That didn't work out, but that's another post altogether, ha!)

As for the "UNICORN" thread topic, if either of us were bi I guess the sexual part of the relationship would just be folded in. What would be the benefit to being/having a unicorn? MORE LOVE. I can't think of anything more obvious! Maybe not simple, but it seems it would be definitely worth a try!

Also, I believe that in the pursuit of love and happiness, the main focus cannot be avoiding pain! You either let love rule your life, or fear. Mistakes in love are not necessarily a bad thing. All love is worth it, along the way, no matter how long it lasts or how it ends up. I don't regret any of the love I've had in my life, do you??
 
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