Enforced Polyamory?

Lila, my sweet . . . If he loved you he would not just basically say to you "this is the way I am get used to it". You entered into a monogamous marriage with him and he feels he has changed. If you are not wanting to allow another into your marriage via liason or partner than to you it is still a monogamous marriage and if he "does what is in his nature" he is commiting adultry and intentionally hurting you - because HE HAS BEEN TOLD by you that you do not approve and want nothing to do with any non-mono relationship. If he has changed and can't control himself than he should do what is right and dissolve the mono-marriage because if he stays with you he will hurt you. This would be a sign of love: amicable parting where you both can find love again and your child doesn't suffer.

He is being selfish by expecting YOU to cope with his indiscretions and weakness. Don't let him hold your marriage over you as leverage to stay together. By saying he will still pursue "his journey", he has basically told you he is willing to abandon your feelings along it . . . THAT is not love!!!

Love & Strength to you Dear! I know this is hard for you. Just remember, that anyone who loves you should take into account your feelings and that thier love for you should not be conditionary. <3
 
... so I can understand ... a partner who feels love for another woman.
Honey, what he's feeling for her ain't love!

I am curious - did he respond to all the comments we made about being there for you and your child during this difficult, heart-wrenching pregnancy? Or has he just got tunnel vision about putting his dick somewhere it doesn't belong?
 
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I know, I've tried to tell him that I don't think it's love but he won't listen, he does have tunnel vision...but there comes a point when I think it would be better for them to get together just so he can see that she's only human like the rest of us, with faults and imperfections. Until then, she will always be mystically all-attractive in her un-attainability, just like Bardot or Monroe.

He knows it's his "duty" to be here for me, but admits he's stuck around more for our son than anything else.
 
Yes . . . But what about YOU, Lila? That is the concern. What of you and your feelings? What of your heart? <3
 
I agree, it seems like he's just trying avoid the title of "adulterer" by adding a "spiritual" dimension to the whole idea. Just recently, due to various audiobooks he's been listening to (Mastery of Love, etc) he now sees himself as "highly intuitive" (but unfortunately NOT so sensitive!) He wakes up with a "warm glow" in his heart and butterflies in his stomach (lucky him!) Therefore, his "feelings" (which he admits are totally out of his control) are now being bestowed on him by "the universe" trying to tell him that there's more to life, he believes his destiny awaits....I told him, OK your thoughts and feelings may be beyond your control, but your ACTIONS are certainly controllable!
 
Me and my feelings don't seem to be much of a concern at the moment, but I guess if I can survive all this crap - then I'm much stronger than I thought! it's the only positive I can see right now. For my own sanity I must come to a place in my heart where I can let him go and know I'll still be OK, even though I'm pretty certain he will immediately regret any affair. I know I wouldn't be able to forgive him especially given the circumstances, so much so that I've already told him, if you want "us" to be 100% over, just go ahead and do it, because I won't want you back afterwards.
 
Hi Lila, I have been thinking about you and hoping that things had improved for you and your family. I am surprised that your husband is able to wake up in the mornings feeling a warm glow given the stress your family is currently experiencing. I wonder if he is deeply in denial about what is going on in your lives?

Having said all that, I hope you are looking after yourself. There is little that you can do to force your husband to start behaving in a more ethical way toward you but I think you can look after yourself.

I wonder if you have thought of making contact with divorced women who have children and are engaged in bringing those children up with partners they are no longer with? Maybe people in that situation could also offer you insights into the place you find yourself?

Sending you hugs and thoughts of strength.

IP
 
Everything I would have said has been said already. Poly won't work unless your current relationship works, since it is all connected. Also, staying together for the kids, doesn't help the kids in most situations. I'm currently watching my parents go through a divorce that my siblings and I have all been waiting for since we were little. Kids are perceptive little creatures, and if their parents aren't happy, they know.

Your husband is wrong to insist on a new relationship when he isn't even willing to put the time in on yours. Plus, no decent poly woman is going to touch a messed up marriage with a ten foot pole, so consider what type of person you would end up with, even if you tried it. They would have to be willing to hurt you in order to date him, and thats not a good personality trait.

Also, I am so sorry to hear about your baby. That is so sad, and I admire you for being so patient and openminded in the face of all this. Most people wouldn't even have bothered to check this out, or to even think about it. You should not have to try a relationship model that isn't comfortable for you, especially under these conditions. Good luck, I hope things work out so that you can be happy and comfortable.
 
Well, for starters, if he doesn’t have the time, money, or whatever to have a date night with you, he is gonna have a hard time justifying the time and effort he would have to put into wooing her.

Establishing a relationship with someone requires date nights. If she is considerate of your feelings and respectful of the fact that you are his wife, getting more date nights than you will really bother her. If she is not considerate of your feelings then she is not the right person for polyamory.

I am speaking from personal experience. He really needs to think about how he is going to be able to make time to build a relationship with her, and continue building the one he has already made a loving commitment to. No date nights in 4 years, that is the big red flag here. He has either got to make it a priority or not take on more.

My husband had gotten lazy about date nights, even getting him to sit and watch a movie with me was not possible. When we found our third, she absolutely insisted that he make every effort to spend time with me. I also wanted her to have a fulfilling relationship with him, my happiness depended on it. The relationship for all of us could not survive without it.
 
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I agree, it seems like he's just trying avoid the title of "adulterer" by adding a "spiritual" dimension to the whole idea. Just recently, due to various audiobooks he's been listening to (Mastery of Love, etc) he now sees himself as "highly intuitive" (but unfortunately NOT so sensitive!) He wakes up with a "warm glow" in his heart and butterflies in his stomach (lucky him!) Therefore, his "feelings" (which he admits are totally out of his control) are now being bestowed on him by "the universe" trying to tell him that there's more to life, he believes his destiny awaits....I told him, OK your thoughts and feelings may be beyond your control, but your ACTIONS are certainly controllable!

I am getting really angry right now, so forgive me if I come across as a bit offensive.

But honestly: what kind of bullshit is that?! He has got the nerves to tell you about 'this great master plan' the wise universe got install for him when you are in such a place? Where is the love he should offer you? If he listened to 'The Mastery of Love', why does he miss the point that there IS one love in his life already he could use all this new-found wisdom for? How can he even think of being an 'highly intuitive being' when he can't see the hurt he will cause for his spouse? Are you suffering that quietly that he doesn't have the chance to see how much it would hurt you? That he is able to lie next to you and awake with 'warm glows' and 'butterflies' while your own stomach is clenching with hurt and fear because of your situation, his behavior and the unborn?

Sorry, that was a rant, but I couldn't let those points go by unnoticed. He needs a rough wake up call. Do you really want to stay in such a relationship? I am wondering why you want to go through all those hardships … I know, feelings can be persistent, by please, think it over. This doesn't sound like anything positive is able to come out of it now or in the long run.

Again, virtual hugs to you, stay strong.
 
Same Same

Hi Lila,

I am in a similar situation...my husband wants me to consider a poly relationship. The difference is that he has been having an affair with the other women and since I found out it hasn't stopped.

He seems to have latched on to Poly as a label for how he feels and wants me to comply so he can move his gf in. All this has devastated me and just fills me with overwhelming sadness, I just don't know who I am anymore. I just keep functioning because of our sons, but even they catch me crying and I can't tell them what is going on because it would destroy them.

All I can say to you is stay strong to your values and don't loose yourself in trying to consider if you could handle this kind of relationship.
 
I just keep functioning because of our sons, but even they catch me crying and I can't tell them what is going on because it would destroy them.
How old are they? It wouldn't destroy them for you to tell them you and their father are working things out and it's making you sad. They don't have to know details but why keep everything bottled up?
 
I agree, it seems like he's just trying avoid the title of "adulterer" by adding a "spiritual" dimension to the whole idea. Just recently, due to various audiobooks he's been listening to (Mastery of Love, etc) he now sees himself as "highly intuitive" (but unfortunately NOT so sensitive!) He wakes up with a "warm glow" in his heart and butterflies in his stomach (lucky him!) Therefore, his "feelings" (which he admits are totally out of his control) are now being bestowed on him by "the universe" trying to tell him that there's more to life, he believes his destiny awaits....I told him, OK your thoughts and feelings may be beyond your control, but your ACTIONS are certainly controllable!

Oh, mercy.

This strikes me as yet another attempt on his part to evade responsibility. So far, he's pushed everything off 1) on you ("leash"), 2) his feelings, and 3) the Universe.

Well, who dares to question the Universe?

You might point out to him that this same Universe has just recently dealt you a pretty lousy hand, and you could really use his time and attention to help you deal with it.

He has a simple choice, one that the Universe will not help him to evade: He can pursue "his journey" with you or without you. He made a promise to journey with you and, if he breaks that promise now, it's on his head; it is his choice and his responsibility.
 
Other posters have provided a lot more useful advice than I ever could. So I'll be providing a useless perspective instead.

I have to say that your husband's timing is very convenient. It reminds me of my friend's ex-wife: She was cheating on him with an ex-bf (I'm not saying that your husband is cheating on you). Got tired of lying about her affair. So she poked some holes in a condom and got pregnant. She waited until the baby was a year old...then she proposed the idea of polyamory.

Now, in my friend's case, he emotionally disconnected from his then-wife (who, as you can probably tell, is kind of a bitch) and simply stayed for his child.

What I'm trying to say is that your husband is a dick. I know that calling him a dick isn't very constructive.

But he is a dick. A giant, flaming red dick.
 
How old are they? It wouldn't destroy them for you to tell them you and their father are working things out and it's making you sad. They don't have to know details but why keep everything bottled up?

Daisyboo, I agree with indie on this. Children see more than you think, and a little openness with them could go a long way toward relieving the anxiety they're likely feeling. Above all, they need to know it is not about them. If you don't tell them that much, they may assume too much, and they may be terribly afraid.

Again, you don't have to reveal details, just let them know that you love them, and that the trouble lies elsewhere.
 
Oh Lila, and any woman staying in situation like this, leave, really, figure a way to leave and just leave. Its so damaging to stay in a situation where there is disdain and no love. Blah, yick.
 
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Hi Daisyboo,

It's so hard when kids are involved, but there's just no way I would allow another woman to move in! NEVER! All I have going for me right now is that my husband hasn't actually started a new relationship with another woman (yet!). It's the only thing that gives me hope in such a miserable situation. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling right now, and at the same time, prepare myself for the same.

How does your husband think things will work with another woman in the house? what would the vibe be? would you be expected to fake it in front of the kids that you are one big happy family? how old are your kids?

It could help to do as I did and print out all the relevant responses from EXPERIENCED poly people and show them to him, it made my husband to realize (somewhat) that his head was in the clouds...

My thoughts are with you...keep strong (and busy!)
 
I agree he's trying to evade responsibility, that is why I won't be the one to leave. He must decide what he wants and suffer the consequences. I still believe (because he's in so much flux) that there's still hope and I will fight for him regardless. He has stuck by me through really tough times (other ones!) so I will be there for him as long as no other woman is involved.
 
Hey friends, thank you all for your concern, I know it sounds crazy of me to hang in there but I don't give in that easily! Plus there are so many other things to consider that I don't think this is the right time for me to take action.

We are planning to sell this house after the baby is born as well as re-locate, who knows what will happen in 2012? it will be a trying time for all. I know he has been totally disconnected from this pregnancy and caught up in his own world, but the harsh reality of helping me birth our child and watch helplessly as it fades from this world might be the wake up he needs...

If not then it's back to the drawing board!
 
He seems to have latched on to Poly as a label for how he feels and wants me to comply so he can move his gf in.

I can understand him asking you to accept his love for this other woman. It's an incredibly poor way to enter poly, and you would be well within your rights to say no, and he should never have cheated, just as Lila's husband shouldn't go down the road of multiple relationships without the consent of all involved (not poly in my book so I won't call it that), but it's understandable to my mind for him to at least ask.

But for him to expect there to be any way for it to work for him to cheat and then want to move the woman into your home... I can't even grasp the thinking. It would create the most toxic environment if one person were miserable or even just resentful, and how could you not be?

Maybe you could provide some helpful perspective to this guy, who is in your husband's position: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=18602
 
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