In love with two women. Realising I am probably poly?

Lovetriangle

New member
Hi everyone. I'm not sure why I am here, except perhaps looking for a safe place to share...

Possibly discovered in later life that I am poly. 35 year old male, high functioning Aspie. Had social difficulties for most of my life and struggled to bond with people in general. Suffered with chronic prostatitis for nearly 20 years. Social anxiety and severe depression have played big parts in my life at times.

I've been with my partner for over 12 years and I love her to bits. We met online initially when I was 23 and she was 17, and were close friends talking openly about anything and everything via instant messaging or mobile text messages throughout every day for a few momths before we met in person to see what would happen. We ended up going straight into an exclusive relationship on the same day that we met in person as friends. We love each other deeply, and are both generally very loving, caring, considerate, compassiomate, unjudgmental, kind, helpful people.

We're best friends, partners and companions. We have no secrets. We talk about and share everything. We've been together as a team through everything. We've seen each other at our bests and worsts. We've grown together and supported each other through everything. She has also suffered with social anxiety and depression at times, though not as severe. Our lives are completely intertwined. We've essentially been living together as a married couple for most of those 12 years. We have shared finances and have had joint mortgages. When we are not working we do almost everything together, although admittedly our time for that is often limited due to the long and unsociable hours she often works. We enjoy many activities together when we can: walking, cycling, tennis, bowling, pool, gym, holidays/travel, driving, visiting the few relatives we are both close to, card games, board games, video games, films/tv, visiting zoos and other tourist attractions. We currently have a comfortable life in our ground floor maisonette style flat with our four friendly cuddly cats. We do have *some* financial issues and have partially lived off savings for over 2 years. I'm also currently out of work (again).

We are always at complete ease with each other but we can both be quite introverted at times so we aren't always engaged verbally when we are together, but are both comfortable with that. We feel safe and secure together, and would both do anything for each other. We both enjoy physical intimacy and so we cuddle and hug a lot, hold hands, and playfight, but our relationship has basically been asexual for a very long time now. I wish that this was not the case, but I am not automatically sexually aroused by her body. She is obese and while this does not bother me at all, and I actually prefer a curvy female form over a skinny one, the appearance of her body does not turn me on. There is a sort of range of female body size and shape that I find sexually arousing, and both below or above that range tends not to arouse me. When our relationship was sexual I had to use imagination and "mind over matter" to achieve or maintain erections. The problem with this was that my chronic prostatitis can also cause some erectile dysfunction where it can be difficult to achieve or maintain full erections anyway. Trying to force erections when it is not happening automatically and engaging in sexual activity like that can lead to a severe increase in my chronic prostatitis symptoms. Over time we ended up just not having sex at all as it would lead to too much pain and discomfort for me throughout the days afterwards.

And then there is this other woman. I'll come back to that...
 
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"And then there is this other woman. I'll come back to that..." :)

Thanks for the first story, we are waiting :)
 
Greetings Lovetriangle,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you have a really good relationship with your wife, even if it is not sexual at this time. You said that the two of you share and talk about everything, and are completely honest with each other, so I am assuming that you've told her you are in love with a second woman. How does your wife feel about that? Okay I hope ... and would you be okay with it if she fell in love with a second man? I don't mean to hassle you, I am just curious. It does sound like you are probably poly, hopefully we can be helpful to you in that regard on this forum. I look forward to your future posts.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

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And so, the other woman. We have known each other for about a year and a half, and over the past 6 months slowly went from being acquaintences to really close friends. She works at the animal shelter where I have been volunteering for 2 years.

I also love her to bits, and although she has some similarities to my partner, she is also quite different in many ways. She is also my best friend (besides my partner) and is the first close friend I've been able to make as an adult, besides my partner. I do feel very lucky and happy to have two best friends who I love and accept and who love and accept me, and enjoy the closeness shared with both of them. Like my partner, we are usually in regular contact through text messages or phone calls every day. We see each other regularly, whether at the animal shelter where I often enjoy helping her with stuff, or spending time at her house where I also often enjoy helping her with stuff or doing various work she needs doing in the house or garden which she insists paying me for even though I don't want anything because I enjoy the work, enjoy helping, and enjoy our times together.

She is 24, so just over a decade younger than me. She is much more extroverted than me or my partner and is very open. She talks a lot, but doesn't dominate conversations. She smiles and laughs a lot, and makes other people smile and laugh. She is quite eccentric, loves her animals so much, finds joy in little things, and has a childlike innocence about her. I admire her a lot. She is funny, interesting, smart, and a joy to be around, despite all of her own struggles that she faces.

She has the condition hypermobility. Her joints can cause her a lot of pain. Her right shoulder is in the completely wrong position making use of her right arm very limited and painful. She is also starting to have the same problem with her knee and hip. She can't be operated on. She has to exercise a lot to keep her strength up, to compensate for her joints, but this in turn is hard because her energy levels can be low and she burns out if she pushes too hard for too long. Her coordination isn't great so can also be quite accident prone, often injuring herself. Despite all of this, she is strong and a fighter. She doesn't let her condition stop her, even though it limits what she can do, and she still manages to keep smiling and keep laughing, even if it does get too much sometimes and she shuts down (usually when burnt out or when the pain levels become unbearable). She takes quite a cocktail of medication every day to manage the pains from her condition. Other than working at the animal shelter 4 days a week, she also has a cleaning job which takes a few hours each week.

She has a 5 year old son, and the father has no involvement. Her son also has hypermobility, and has had some learning and behavioural difficulties. She is a good mum but has to have some help both because of working and because of her condition. They live in a rented 3 bedroom house with her mum, splitting the rent costs. Her mum has borderline personality disorder and relatively strong OCD. Her mum can suffer with depression, have suicidal tendencies, and sometimes self-harms. She does become stressed easily, which is not helped by the combination of her condition, the pains, her mum, her son, and work. She can suffer with depression herself at times. She was bullied pretty severely in her teens, and had suffered with depression and self-harmed at that time, and although she doesn't drink alcohol now she did drink heavily at that time. She has a boyfriend and has been in that relationship for a year and half, but it does seem the relationship can be strained due to a lack of time together, and possibly other issues.

We usually have a great chemistry when we are together. We talk a lot, have so much banter, and so many laughs. We bounce off each other so easily, and I've never experienced that as an adult with someone to such a degree. We just have so much fun together. And although there have been issues along the way due to my social difficulties, we have now also become so close emotionally and physically, have a great bond and a really good level of comfort with each other. I do give her a lot of support and affection, and I'm there for her if she wants to talk or needs help, if I can. Much like my partner, I'd do "anything" for her, because that is just the way I am with the people and the animals that I love. Also like my partner, I just want to hold her and look after her and make her happy and smile. We do hug and cuddle and mess around a lot, but there is a line I won't cross even though I am very attracted to her physically, and find myself extremely sexually aroused by my thoughts of her, her appearance, and being close.
 
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And so here we are... Yes, my partner is aware of everything.

I had always just assumed I was mono, but perhaps this was simply because I'd never experienced the love I have for my partner for anyone else. Especially considering my disability and how this has always limited my relationships with people. Loving this other woman doesn't make me love my partner any less. Wanting to be close to this other woman also doesn't make me want to be close to my partner any less.

But I don't think I can be more than friends with this other woman, no matter how much I might want that. Although my love can be given to more than one person without anyone missing out, my time cannot. While opening our relationship would not cause me to lose anything myself, it does not feel fair on either of these women. And without opening the relationship I wouldn't let myself cheat on my partner, and I won't let my friend cheat on her boyfriend. I love them both too much to do that.

Anyways, with the idea of opening the relationship... If things remained how they are, except with me crossing the line of friendship with this other woman, then while my partner would not lose anything either, the other woman would still only be able to have my time when my partner is not available which doesn't seem fair on her. Likewise, if I were to split my time more evenly between them then my partner would suddenly lose a lot of my time that she has always had, and I don't want to take anything away from her.

With the idea of being with just one woman, I would have to choose my partner. I would have to take the unconditional love, commitment, support, compassion, understanding, history, safety, security, and the life we have over the love, fun, and possible sexual relationship with the other woman. And so I guess that is how things must remain. I just want all 3 of us to be happy with each of our lives. That is most important. And I'm just happy to have this other person I love in my life, even if it may only ever be as a friend. That is better than not having her at all...
 
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You said that the two of you share and talk about everything, and are completely honest with each other, so I am assuming that you've told her you are in love with a second woman. How does your wife feel about that? Okay I hope ... and would you be okay with it if she fell in love with a second man?

Please feel free to ask me anything.

Yes she is well informed and is an amazing supportive partner. The development of my friendship with this other woman has not been an easy one, to say the very least. I won't go into unecessary details now, but I'll just say it did involve me relapsing into anxiety and depression severely, and my partner has been there every step of the way, despite how difficult the experiences and circumstances have been for both of us.

I know she just wants me to be happy and loves me so much that she would sacrifice herself for me. And I feel the same for her. Still, my love that developed for this other woman has not been easy for her, and she had experienced some jealousy. But as long as me and the other woman are only friends, it doesn't bother her any more and she is glad I'm happy again now that I've moved past the anxiety and depression, and have a really close friend besides her.

As for how I'd feel if she loved another man besides me? I think I'd be OK with it. I also just want her to be happy because I love her so much. As long as I am also happy, it doesn't bother me sharing her with other people. To be honest, it probably would bother me a lot less than it would bother her because of the different way I seem to experience emotions as an Aspie. As long as I am happy with my life, and she is happy, then it is all good to me.
 
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Your explanations make sense to me, and I can see why you need to continue living a monogamous life for the time being. Polyamory.com may still be useful to you, in that you can learn more about poly here, and chat with poly people. In the meantime, you have two wonderful women in your life, and that is a blessing. I hope you'll keep us posted on any new developments in your situation.

Can I ask, how did you find Polyamory.com? Did you already know of the word polyamory, or did you stumble upon it somewhere? Anyway, welcome to our forum.
 
Lovetriangle, welcome.

Would you like to pick out nicknames for your friends? Our Guidelines suggest it as it makes your story easier to follow, and it's easier for us to reference them if they have names instead of "partner," or "friend."

It sounds like it's been a lot of work for you to establish a friendship with this other woman. But the work has been worth it.

You write that your Partner doesn't sexually attract you because she's a bit out of the range of body size that arouses you. I assume Friend has the correct body size, since she turns you on?

So, if you weren't with Partner I guess you'd want to enter into sex with Friend beyond "messing around a lot." I assume your Partner knows you "mess around a lot" with friend, and neither of you see that as cheating?

Just as your relationship with Partner is basically asexual, and always has been "greysexual" pretty much, for one reason or another, and yet, you love her very much and enjoy cuddling, so the relationship with friend isn't fully sexual (personally I call messing around to arousal "sexual behavior" as do many people, but whatever), but you still enjoying touching her, being with her, talking, laughing, helping her, etc., etc. You say you love being with her and "would do anything" for either woman.

I can only say what I am reading, but it kind of sounds like you're the hinge in a poly V already.

If we use poly terms, Friend is your secondary. She's very important to you, a very very close friend whom you find attractive and sexy.

You wouldn't need to split your time equally with both women to be in a poly relationship with each. Lots of people with Primary, or nesting partners, spend more time with them, and less with other partner(s).

Would it make you uncomfortable to explore whether you really are already practicing poly?

One extra question. You're not sexually attracted to Partner. Is she attracted to you? Does she have a libido, or does she repress it for your sake? I'm asking because if you're attracted to Friend, but not to her, this could cause her discomfort (envy, etc.). Maybe you're already discussed this.
 
Your explanations make sense to me, and I can see why you need to continue living a monogamous life for the time being. Polyamory.com may still be useful to you, in that you can learn more about poly here, and chat with poly people. In the meantime, you have two wonderful women in your life, and that is a blessing. I hope you'll keep us posted on any new developments in your situation.

Can I ask, how did you find Polyamory.com? Did you already know of the word polyamory, or did you stumble upon it somewhere? Anyway, welcome to our forum.

Thank you. :) I've been familiar with the terminology for a very long time. I first started to consider if I am poly when me and this other woman became close friends 6 months' ago, but it was just one of the endless possibilities my mind was obsessively considering as I tried to make sense of everything.

Things did become difficult at first because of the anxiety and depression relapses the situation was causing for me, alongside the difficulties going on in her own life, and our close friendship almost ended after the first month. It took quite a while to rebuild back to where it was... But now that we have become super close and open with each other, and I have much stronger confidence in our mutual bond, the consideration in my mind of me being poly inevitably returned.

So, I then found this forum by googling "polyamory forums" as I wanted a place I could share. And here we are. :)
 
Lovetriangle, welcome.

Would you like to pick out nicknames for your friends? Our Guidelines suggest it as it makes your story easier to follow, and it's easier for us to reference them if they have names instead of "partner," or "friend."

It sounds like it's been a lot of work for you to establish a friendship with this other woman. But the work has been worth it.

You write that your Partner doesn't sexually attract you because she's a bit out of the range of body size that arouses you. I assume Friend has the correct body size, since she turns you on?

So, if you weren't with Partner I guess you'd want to enter into sex with Friend beyond "messing around a lot." I assume your Partner knows you "mess around a lot" with friend, and neither of you see that as cheating?

Just as your relationship with Partner is basically asexual, and always has been "greysexual" pretty much, for one reason or another, and yet, you love her very much and enjoy cuddling, so the relationship with friend isn't fully sexual (personally I call messing around to arousal "sexual behavior" as do many people, but whatever), but you still enjoying touching her, being with her, talking, laughing, helping her, etc., etc. You say you love being with her and "would do anything" for either woman.

I can only say what I am reading, but it kind of sounds like you're the hinge in a poly V already.

If we use poly terms, Friend is your secondary. She's very important to you, a very very close friend whom you find attractive and sexy.

You wouldn't need to split your time equally with both women to be in a poly relationship with each. Lots of people with Primary, or nesting partners, spend more time with them, and less with other partner(s).

Would it make you uncomfortable to explore whether you really are already practicing poly?

One extra question. You're not sexually attracted to Partner. Is she attracted to you? Does she have a libido, or does she repress it for your sake? I'm asking because if you're attracted to Friend, but not to her, this could cause her discomfort (envy, etc.). Maybe you're already discussed this.

Thank you for the welcome.

OK, so from here on out my partner will be known as Lizzie and my friend will be known as Rosie. :)

Yeah, I find Rosie very physically attractive. It is very easy for me to identify what sort of female forms I find arousing, because my mind naturally notices patterns in things, and it does fall within particular ranges of body size and body shape. Rosie is definitely within those ranges while Lizzie is not. I think both are pretty but if we are talking about raw sexual attraction based on nothing but physical appearance, Rosie does do that for me while Lizzie does not.

If me and Rosie were not in commited mono relationships, I do think something would probably happen between us, yes. I can't say for certain if that feeling is mutual. But if I had to bet on it...

As for the "messing around" - sorry, I don't always choose the right words. I didn't necessarily mean messing around in a sexual kind of way. I meant we are very playful together. For instance, she might hit me when I tease her. We throw things at each other. Sort of playfighting stuff I suppose. Besides that and any time we do hug/cuddle briefly, we come into a lot of physical contact incidentally through our activities together. But it never involves erogenous contact, you could say?

I'll have to come back to the rest later. :)
 
Lovetriangle, welcome.

Would you like to pick out nicknames for your friends? Our Guidelines suggest it as it makes your story easier to follow, and it's easier for us to reference them if they have names instead of "partner," or "friend."

It sounds like it's been a lot of work for you to establish a friendship with this other woman. But the work has been worth it.

You write that your Partner doesn't sexually attract you because she's a bit out of the range of body size that arouses you. I assume Friend has the correct body size, since she turns you on?

So, if you weren't with Partner I guess you'd want to enter into sex with Friend beyond "messing around a lot." I assume your Partner knows you "mess around a lot" with friend, and neither of you see that as cheating?

Just as your relationship with Partner is basically asexual, and always has been "greysexual" pretty much, for one reason or another, and yet, you love her very much and enjoy cuddling, so the relationship with friend isn't fully sexual (personally I call messing around to arousal "sexual behavior" as do many people, but whatever), but you still enjoying touching her, being with her, talking, laughing, helping her, etc., etc. You say you love being with her and "would do anything" for either woman.

I can only say what I am reading, but it kind of sounds like you're the hinge in a poly V already.

If we use poly terms, Friend is your secondary. She's very important to you, a very very close friend whom you find attractive and sexy.

You wouldn't need to split your time equally with both women to be in a poly relationship with each. Lots of people with Primary, or nesting partners, spend more time with them, and less with other partner(s).

Would it make you uncomfortable to explore whether you really are already practicing poly?

One extra question. You're not sexually attracted to Partner. Is she attracted to you? Does she have a libido, or does she repress it for your sake? I'm asking because if you're attracted to Friend, but not to her, this could cause her discomfort (envy, etc.). Maybe you're already discussed this.

In relation to splitting my time equally, I realise that this is not required but it leaves me feeling torn as I wish I could give them both everything. And since that is not possible, and Lizzie is my priority, Rosie would always miss out. And so, if she wasn't already in a relationship with someone else as is, I still could not blame her for going to someone else over me who can give her more than I can. I want her to be happy, after all.

No, it does not make me uncomfortable to explore if I am already practicing poly. Although I am familiar with the general term, I'm not so familiar with the more specific terminologies within this realm.

With regard to Lizzie's libido, there has been occasions where I have implicitely or explicitely shown willingness to engage in some kind of sexual activity, even if it was just oral sex and such, but she has not shown much interest to be honest. Without discussing this objectively, at the moment I can't say for certain if she still has a libido or not. Over the past 2 years we have both suffered with depression at different times and I do know that she has had no interest in sex when she had been affected.
 
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Here's a few random tidbits that may be indicative of the amusingly confusing situation...

- Rosie thinks the staff at her work probably think we are having an affair

- Rosie's son at home: "Does Lovetriangle live here?" / Rosie: "No, mummy lives with boyfriend, mummy doesn't live with friend" / Lovetriangle in jest: "I could move in" / Rosie: "Don't think boyfriend would like that, and don't think Lizzie would like that"

- Rosie told me her boyfriend is a bit jealous of me, and also said "that is never gonna happen because I love that boy to bits"

- Rosie telling her son that I'm not his step-dad and that her boyfriend is his step-dad

- Me and Rosie sometimes spending entire days together and more time with each other than anyone else

- Rosie's mum jokingly asking if we are joint at the hip

- When me and Rosie go somewhere together we probably look like a couple
 
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It sounds like you and Rosie are about as close as two friends can get, shy of things becoming sexual. :D Does Lizzie ever get jealous of that?
 
It sounds like you and Rosie are about as close as two friends can get, shy of things becoming sexual. :D Does Lizzie ever get jealous of that?

Yes that is true, which is why I do think under different circumstances something would have happened between me and Rosie.

There has been jealousy from Lizzie, and also from Rosie's boyfriend. I can't speak for Rosie's boyfriend but as far as Lizzie is concerned, I think this is mostly due to the fact that I seem to have more fun with Rosie than with her. I have a much deeper connection with Lizzie and we are highly compatible people, but I have much more chemistry with Rosie...

It's kind of hard, really. For most of the past 12 years, Lizzie has had me to herself. I didn't have any friends, and don't really have much family of my own around. I did have to share her with her own friends and family, which didn't cause me to be jealous of them, but was hard at the times when I felt like I wanted her around. And also it would sometimes seem like she'd have more fun with other people than she does with me.

And now for the first time she has to share me... But that said, she hasn't actually lost anything most of the time. I still spend almost all of my time with her when she's available. And nothing has necessarily changed when we are together, neither. It's just that when we're not together, I'm having a hell of a lot of fun with someone else for the first time in our relationship, and often more fun that I'd be having if I was with her.

For the first time in 12 years, there is this question of why we don't make each other that happy? It's not as if we are unhappy together or have issues, but our enjoyment together is nowhere near those levels...
 
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Sounds like things are kind of on the other foot, first it was Lizzie who had more fun with other people than she did with you, now it is you who has more fun with someone than you do with her. It must be hard for her, knowing that the shoe is on the other foot. Is there some way you can have an equal amount of fun with both women? Maybe it's that you have NRE with Rosie, and that may wear off after awhile.
 
One term you might not be familiar with is NRE, new relationship energy.

There is really no need to compare: I have more fun with this person than that person. Lizzie has more fun with this other person than with me. We can just appreciate people for who they are, and what qualities we appreciate in them as friends.

But sometimes our newer friends/lovers seem more fun or sexually exciting just because they are new. There is so much to be discovered, it's an adventure!

And add in sex, and our hormones start buzzing. I recall there are about 5 hormones that are triggered when we meet a new potential or actual sex partner, which do different things to our bodies and our minds. Spending hours together, and wrestling, stimulate these hormones (oxytocin, dopamine, etc.).

I'd be rather cautious about triggering jealousy with each of your partners. I would highly recommend more talking between you and Lizzie, and between Rosie and her bf. It seems everyone is getting uncomfortable: Lizzie, Rosie's bf, Rosie's son is confused, and a mother is questioning what is going on. It's not "amusing" if people are getting hurt.
 
Sounds like things are kind of on the other foot, first it was Lizzie who had more fun with other people than she did with you, now it is you who has more fun with someone than you do with her. It must be hard for her, knowing that the shoe is on the other foot. Is there some way you can have an equal amount of fun with both women? Maybe it's that you have NRE with Rosie, and that may wear off after awhile.

I supppse the difficulty here is thst I can't force things to be even more fun with Lizzie. It is something that really needs to happen naturally and organically. It is possible that NRE is playing a part with Rosie, but with that said, I don't think I've ever had quite this much fun with Lizzie at any point during our relationship.

On the one hand, it is easy to think that it is just because of Rosie and her personality. She has this way of making everything fun and for whatever reason she likes sharing it with me. But on the other hand, there must also be a element of chemistry between us too because I feel like I become more fun when I'm with her. Whereas with Lizzie, we are maybe both too laid back. There just isn't so much energy passing between us, as there is wirh Rosie.
 
One term you might not be familiar with is NRE, new relationship energy.

There is really no need to compare: I have more fun with this person than that person. Lizzie has more fun with this other person than with me. We can just appreciate people for who they are, and what qualities we appreciate in them as friends.

But sometimes our newer friends/lovers seem more fun or sexually exciting just because they are new. There is so much to be discovered, it's an adventure!

And add in sex, and our hormones start buzzing. I recall there are about 5 hormones that are triggered when we meet a new potential or actual sex partner, which do different things to our bodies and our minds. Spending hours together, and wrestling, stimulate these hormones (oxytocin, dopamine, etc.).

I'd be rather cautious about triggering jealousy with each of your partners. I would highly recommend more talking between you and Lizzie, and between Rosie and her bf. It seems everyone is getting uncomfortable: Lizzie, Rosie's bf, Rosie's son is confused, and a mother is questioning what is going on. It's not "amusing" if people are getting hurt.

I've never experienced this combination of brain chemistry and sexual energy before. I find women very sexually attractive/arousing all of the time, but I've never been this close to any of them since I rarely experience strong connections with people, and so the sexual energy alone has never really made me want to be with any of them. Without that connection, I don't have the desire to act on the sexual energy.

Yeah, from my point of view there is no need to compare Lizzie and Rosie. I think they are both amazing for so many reasons and love them both for what they bring into my life.

And no, it's not amusing from the perspective of anyone getting hurt. That really is the difficulty here. I love Lizzie too much to hurt her. And I love Rosie too much to let her hurt her partner and mess up her relationship. But at the same time, I think we deserve to have each other in our lives. Neither of us have had it easy, and are lucky to have another person bringing joy into our lives.

When the friendship with Rosie almost ended after the first month of becoming close, it set my mental state right back, but it also hurt and upset her a hell of a lot, which I was not expecting at the time. I didn't know how much I meant to her, and thought that I was just another casual friend to her and nothing special. I do know now we both wouldn't want to lose each other, and I know Lizzie wants me to have Rosie in my life because of the extra joy she brings. So, that difficulty is just in carrying on without hurting anyone. It is not easy.

Just to illustrate how close I am now with Rosie and how much she and her mum trust me... Rosie's mum is probably going to get me a key cut for their house...! Admittedly that is mostly so I can get in and out securely if I'm doing work there when nobody is home. But still...
 
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