nycsinger2000
New member
Hello
I'm gay and I have been in 3 long term monogamous relationships pretty much back to back and have not had a lot of single time to explore sexual openness. My most recent boyfriend and I have been having problems for a few years. Communication, on his part has not been very good. He hid things from me and lied to cover things up. He's 13 years younger than me and far more sexually open and experienced than I have ever been. I was overbearing for a long time, wanting to know more information about his social life than he wanted to share. I had always suspected that he wanted to be with other people, which also made me fear that he would cheat.
We started talking about breaking up after nearly 5 years because he reveled to me that he wanted the option to sleep with other people and have sexual experiences that we as a couple, have never had. He is bisexual and also wants to be able to have sexual experiences with women. We decided to live separately and continue seeing each other but not in the confines of a committed or monogamous relationship. I realized that I too, need to explore my sexuality and that my views on sex and love have always been very rigid. I believe that this is more anxiety based than anything else. I have generalized anxiety disorder and although I love sex, the thought of being extremely sexually open has always caused me anxiety. I have always worried that any partner I've had would cheat.
Once we started seeing each other again we decided that since we were dating, we should pursue this as if we were in an open relationship. We are still so in love and want to make this work. He has recently become friends with a large group of people who believe in sexual openness and this has convinced him that non monogamy is definitely the answer for him.
I can see the benefits. To be honest, every relationship I’ve been in has ended because one of us wanted to sleep with someone else and in most cases it was me. So, I’ve been willing to give this a try. We established some rules, but he said no to most of the things I asked for (no intercourse or at least no receiving anal sex). He seems very eager to go out and find someone to go all the way with. I asked him if he could agree to a period of time where we only hook up without intercourse, and he refused.
I want to be able to do this. I love him and I do think that this lifestyle could be right for me if I could become comfortable with it. Since we started this (2 weeks ago) our sex life together has been amazing. His communication has been amazing. He tells me everything and anything I ask for, even if it’s embarrassing or difficult for him. I want details because being someone with anxiety, the things you make up in your mind are usually far worse than what really happened. I have had two hookups. I was pleasantly surprised that I enjoyed both and did not feel the need to become emotionally attached to the people involved. He wants to hear about my experiences and seems to have very little jealousy, which in a way bothers me. I feel unloved because he not only seems to be happy that I’m exploring other people he wants to “Rout for me”.
He has had one hookup and told me the day after. I asked him for details and he told me everything. It was a little difficult for me but not as bad as I thought it would be. I even met the other guy and although he’s very good looking, I was not overly concerned. Neither of us has had intercourse with someone else yet, but he seems very intent on making it happen soon. The thought of him going that far with someone is very hard for me. He doesn’t understand it. I feel like once we’ve both gone that far, I’ll get used to it.
The bigger issue is that he doesn’t want to “Label” our relationship. He said he feels like a relationship should be something without ownership and calling each other partner or boyfriend feels like I own him. I feel like establishing that we are a couple is paramount, if we are going to be in an open relationship. We went to a party the other night and people asked how we knew each other. Answering the question was awkward. I let him answer and he said “we dated for 4 years”. A mutual friend asked if he wanted to together and he said we should all get together and said “we are no longer boyfriends but getting along very well”. I feel insignificant and like he’s keeping me around as a backup plan. I keep expressing my feelings and crying and it turns into 6 hour conversations. I will admit that, we have learned a few things as a result of these grueling talks. He told me about a situation last week where he had made a sex date with someone online and it made me very anxious the entire day knowing that it was going to happen. The date fell through and we have now learned that it’s much easier on me if he doesn’t tell me he’s planning to have sex until after he’s already done it. Last night, we went out and he did not refer to me as his boyfriend. I wanted to show him that I could be comfortable so I felt like I couldn’t approach him with physical affection or spend too much time around him without him taking the lead. We talked that through this morning and I realized that I have to be myself and be affectionate with him whenever I want. However, he met a girl and there was a lot of sexual energy between them. Noting happened and he even told me he had no interest in sleeping with her, but I was uncomfortable watching them talk. I felt like I wasn’t involved and It was probably my fault because I didn’t just go over to them and get in on the conversation.
I’m very confused. I want to learn to be comfortable with this. After nearly 5 years together, I don’t know how to think of him as someone I’m “Just dating”. I don’t know how to be in a relationship with no label. He says he will eventually want to officially get back together but isn’t ready.
I think I’m going to tell him we need to take a break until either, I’m more comfortable or he’s ready to re-commit to the relationship as a non-monogamous relationship. Being open is new and foreign to me as it is, but I feel like it’s very important to make it clear to others that we are ultimately committed to one another. If he refuses to call me his boyfriend, I’m not sure how to feel secure. Please help with any advice or experiences that will open my mind and allow me to continue to be with the person I love, so deeply.
I'm gay and I have been in 3 long term monogamous relationships pretty much back to back and have not had a lot of single time to explore sexual openness. My most recent boyfriend and I have been having problems for a few years. Communication, on his part has not been very good. He hid things from me and lied to cover things up. He's 13 years younger than me and far more sexually open and experienced than I have ever been. I was overbearing for a long time, wanting to know more information about his social life than he wanted to share. I had always suspected that he wanted to be with other people, which also made me fear that he would cheat.
We started talking about breaking up after nearly 5 years because he reveled to me that he wanted the option to sleep with other people and have sexual experiences that we as a couple, have never had. He is bisexual and also wants to be able to have sexual experiences with women. We decided to live separately and continue seeing each other but not in the confines of a committed or monogamous relationship. I realized that I too, need to explore my sexuality and that my views on sex and love have always been very rigid. I believe that this is more anxiety based than anything else. I have generalized anxiety disorder and although I love sex, the thought of being extremely sexually open has always caused me anxiety. I have always worried that any partner I've had would cheat.
Once we started seeing each other again we decided that since we were dating, we should pursue this as if we were in an open relationship. We are still so in love and want to make this work. He has recently become friends with a large group of people who believe in sexual openness and this has convinced him that non monogamy is definitely the answer for him.
I can see the benefits. To be honest, every relationship I’ve been in has ended because one of us wanted to sleep with someone else and in most cases it was me. So, I’ve been willing to give this a try. We established some rules, but he said no to most of the things I asked for (no intercourse or at least no receiving anal sex). He seems very eager to go out and find someone to go all the way with. I asked him if he could agree to a period of time where we only hook up without intercourse, and he refused.
I want to be able to do this. I love him and I do think that this lifestyle could be right for me if I could become comfortable with it. Since we started this (2 weeks ago) our sex life together has been amazing. His communication has been amazing. He tells me everything and anything I ask for, even if it’s embarrassing or difficult for him. I want details because being someone with anxiety, the things you make up in your mind are usually far worse than what really happened. I have had two hookups. I was pleasantly surprised that I enjoyed both and did not feel the need to become emotionally attached to the people involved. He wants to hear about my experiences and seems to have very little jealousy, which in a way bothers me. I feel unloved because he not only seems to be happy that I’m exploring other people he wants to “Rout for me”.
He has had one hookup and told me the day after. I asked him for details and he told me everything. It was a little difficult for me but not as bad as I thought it would be. I even met the other guy and although he’s very good looking, I was not overly concerned. Neither of us has had intercourse with someone else yet, but he seems very intent on making it happen soon. The thought of him going that far with someone is very hard for me. He doesn’t understand it. I feel like once we’ve both gone that far, I’ll get used to it.
The bigger issue is that he doesn’t want to “Label” our relationship. He said he feels like a relationship should be something without ownership and calling each other partner or boyfriend feels like I own him. I feel like establishing that we are a couple is paramount, if we are going to be in an open relationship. We went to a party the other night and people asked how we knew each other. Answering the question was awkward. I let him answer and he said “we dated for 4 years”. A mutual friend asked if he wanted to together and he said we should all get together and said “we are no longer boyfriends but getting along very well”. I feel insignificant and like he’s keeping me around as a backup plan. I keep expressing my feelings and crying and it turns into 6 hour conversations. I will admit that, we have learned a few things as a result of these grueling talks. He told me about a situation last week where he had made a sex date with someone online and it made me very anxious the entire day knowing that it was going to happen. The date fell through and we have now learned that it’s much easier on me if he doesn’t tell me he’s planning to have sex until after he’s already done it. Last night, we went out and he did not refer to me as his boyfriend. I wanted to show him that I could be comfortable so I felt like I couldn’t approach him with physical affection or spend too much time around him without him taking the lead. We talked that through this morning and I realized that I have to be myself and be affectionate with him whenever I want. However, he met a girl and there was a lot of sexual energy between them. Noting happened and he even told me he had no interest in sleeping with her, but I was uncomfortable watching them talk. I felt like I wasn’t involved and It was probably my fault because I didn’t just go over to them and get in on the conversation.
I’m very confused. I want to learn to be comfortable with this. After nearly 5 years together, I don’t know how to think of him as someone I’m “Just dating”. I don’t know how to be in a relationship with no label. He says he will eventually want to officially get back together but isn’t ready.
I think I’m going to tell him we need to take a break until either, I’m more comfortable or he’s ready to re-commit to the relationship as a non-monogamous relationship. Being open is new and foreign to me as it is, but I feel like it’s very important to make it clear to others that we are ultimately committed to one another. If he refuses to call me his boyfriend, I’m not sure how to feel secure. Please help with any advice or experiences that will open my mind and allow me to continue to be with the person I love, so deeply.