Considering open relationship..and very anxious Please help!!

nycsinger2000

New member
Hello

I'm gay and I have been in 3 long term monogamous relationships pretty much back to back and have not had a lot of single time to explore sexual openness. My most recent boyfriend and I have been having problems for a few years. Communication, on his part has not been very good. He hid things from me and lied to cover things up. He's 13 years younger than me and far more sexually open and experienced than I have ever been. I was overbearing for a long time, wanting to know more information about his social life than he wanted to share. I had always suspected that he wanted to be with other people, which also made me fear that he would cheat.

We started talking about breaking up after nearly 5 years because he reveled to me that he wanted the option to sleep with other people and have sexual experiences that we as a couple, have never had. He is bisexual and also wants to be able to have sexual experiences with women. We decided to live separately and continue seeing each other but not in the confines of a committed or monogamous relationship. I realized that I too, need to explore my sexuality and that my views on sex and love have always been very rigid. I believe that this is more anxiety based than anything else. I have generalized anxiety disorder and although I love sex, the thought of being extremely sexually open has always caused me anxiety. I have always worried that any partner I've had would cheat.
Once we started seeing each other again we decided that since we were dating, we should pursue this as if we were in an open relationship. We are still so in love and want to make this work. He has recently become friends with a large group of people who believe in sexual openness and this has convinced him that non monogamy is definitely the answer for him.
I can see the benefits. To be honest, every relationship I’ve been in has ended because one of us wanted to sleep with someone else and in most cases it was me. So, I’ve been willing to give this a try. We established some rules, but he said no to most of the things I asked for (no intercourse or at least no receiving anal sex). He seems very eager to go out and find someone to go all the way with. I asked him if he could agree to a period of time where we only hook up without intercourse, and he refused.
I want to be able to do this. I love him and I do think that this lifestyle could be right for me if I could become comfortable with it. Since we started this (2 weeks ago) our sex life together has been amazing. His communication has been amazing. He tells me everything and anything I ask for, even if it’s embarrassing or difficult for him. I want details because being someone with anxiety, the things you make up in your mind are usually far worse than what really happened. I have had two hookups. I was pleasantly surprised that I enjoyed both and did not feel the need to become emotionally attached to the people involved. He wants to hear about my experiences and seems to have very little jealousy, which in a way bothers me. I feel unloved because he not only seems to be happy that I’m exploring other people he wants to “Rout for me”.
He has had one hookup and told me the day after. I asked him for details and he told me everything. It was a little difficult for me but not as bad as I thought it would be. I even met the other guy and although he’s very good looking, I was not overly concerned. Neither of us has had intercourse with someone else yet, but he seems very intent on making it happen soon. The thought of him going that far with someone is very hard for me. He doesn’t understand it. I feel like once we’ve both gone that far, I’ll get used to it.
The bigger issue is that he doesn’t want to “Label” our relationship. He said he feels like a relationship should be something without ownership and calling each other partner or boyfriend feels like I own him. I feel like establishing that we are a couple is paramount, if we are going to be in an open relationship. We went to a party the other night and people asked how we knew each other. Answering the question was awkward. I let him answer and he said “we dated for 4 years”. A mutual friend asked if he wanted to together and he said we should all get together and said “we are no longer boyfriends but getting along very well”. I feel insignificant and like he’s keeping me around as a backup plan. I keep expressing my feelings and crying and it turns into 6 hour conversations. I will admit that, we have learned a few things as a result of these grueling talks. He told me about a situation last week where he had made a sex date with someone online and it made me very anxious the entire day knowing that it was going to happen. The date fell through and we have now learned that it’s much easier on me if he doesn’t tell me he’s planning to have sex until after he’s already done it. Last night, we went out and he did not refer to me as his boyfriend. I wanted to show him that I could be comfortable so I felt like I couldn’t approach him with physical affection or spend too much time around him without him taking the lead. We talked that through this morning and I realized that I have to be myself and be affectionate with him whenever I want. However, he met a girl and there was a lot of sexual energy between them. Noting happened and he even told me he had no interest in sleeping with her, but I was uncomfortable watching them talk. I felt like I wasn’t involved and It was probably my fault because I didn’t just go over to them and get in on the conversation.

I’m very confused. I want to learn to be comfortable with this. After nearly 5 years together, I don’t know how to think of him as someone I’m “Just dating”. I don’t know how to be in a relationship with no label. He says he will eventually want to officially get back together but isn’t ready.
I think I’m going to tell him we need to take a break until either, I’m more comfortable or he’s ready to re-commit to the relationship as a non-monogamous relationship. Being open is new and foreign to me as it is, but I feel like it’s very important to make it clear to others that we are ultimately committed to one another. If he refuses to call me his boyfriend, I’m not sure how to feel secure. Please help with any advice or experiences that will open my mind and allow me to continue to be with the person I love, so deeply.
 
I have had two hookups. I was pleasantly surprised that I enjoyed both and did not feel the need to become emotionally attached to the people involved.

If your aim is to be able to hook up with no emotional attachment, then polyamory is definitely not for you. Allowing for outside sexual encounters with no feelings works for a lot of couples, but it's not polyamory. Sounds like you and your BF need more clarity about what is fulfilling for each of you and then you can work on whether these separate preferences will fit together.
 
I'm sorry that it sounds like you're having so much difficulty with someone you love. It sounds like a lot of change is happening, and change can be very unsettling and lead to a lot of insecurity and anxiety. Your post basically bleeds anxiety.

You ask what else to do, but frankly, it sounds to me like you're on the right track. You're examining your feelings, you're talking to him about them, he's talking to you about his feelings, you're deciding what compromises need to be made. You're doing a lot to try to learn to be comfortable with the changes in your relationship. You're figuring out where your discomfort is (seeing him flirt with others, not being able to flirt with him) and figuring out ways to address that. It sounds to me like you're doing a lot of things right.

It also sounds like what you're looking for and what your boyfriend (because that sounds like what he is not willing to accept that label) is looking for may be different. He may be looking for solely sexual relationships, where you might be looking for deeper emotional connection. And that is okay. You don't both need to be looking for the same things to have a satisfying relationship. But if you're threatened by the differences in your relationship styles, it is definitely a problem. Maybe not an unworkable problem, but a problem all the same. Are you able to accept that you're not going to both practice the same style of open relationship?

And are you sure you want to keep hearing the details of his relationships that are hurting you? It's okay to not want to know the details. It's okay to recognize that that hurts you and you're just happier not knowing. Personally, I don't want to know when my husband has sex with his girlfriend. It's enough for me to know that their relationship is physical.

I agree that it sounds like your larger problem is security and recognition. It seems to make you feel unrecognized, hurt, and insignificant not to be called a boyfriend. You can have multiple boyfriends without being partners with each of them. You can have different kinds of partners. You can have two people who don't agree to the same label. For instance, my husband Guitarist calls his girlfriend Purr his girlfriend, but she doesn't call him her boyfriend. She calls him one of "her people" because she doesn't like labeling. That may not work for you if you need the feeling of security that comes with being recognized as a boyfriend, but it is something that is possible. Can you set the label aside as long as he reassures you what he means to you? If he gives you recognition in public? Or do you need the label? Only you can decide that.

It's going to take a lot of self-examination on your part, but you need to figure out what is making you feel so anxious and insecure. Is it the label, or are there deeper problems with recognition and feeling valued? And then you need to figure out a few options of things that he could do to make you feel more secure. Be careful not to confuse what you want with what you need. And then you should tell your boyfriend these things. They may be more than he can give you.

And if he can't commit to give you what you need, then you should walk away. Trying to compromise on your needs to stay with a person you love has never, ever worked in my experience. While it sounds like you're doing a lot of compromise, there is only so much compromise you can do. Be willing to recognize that you just might not be able to do nonmonogamy in the same way and that it might be healthier for you to tear the bandaid off now than to go on limping and bleeding. In your shoes, I would tell him that I'm looking forward to staying friends and that I hope he'll call me if orwhen he wants to get back together, but I simply can't do the thing I'm doing now (staying in a relationship with no recognition) because it's making me profoundly unhappy.
 
Hi nycsinger2000,

It sounds like the ... guy you've been dating four years, is leaning towards RA (Relationship Anarchy). Basically in RA there are no labels and no assigned roles. Everyone is "a friend." Every friendship is different and unique and has its own depth and level of involvement. There are no rules. Friends trust each other to not hurt each other, so rules are not needed.

I need to add that I am not a relationship anarchist myself, so, I am probably not explaining it very well. But do a search for relationship anarchy on this forum, and Google it. A lot of good information is out there.

You'll need to decide what level of involvement is best for you and "your friend," especially at this period of time when he is exploring and finding himself. Maybe you'd rather not be as close to him as you used to be? Maybe you need your relationships to have more structure (and less "anarchy"). It's something to think about.

I hope you'll keep us posted on how things are going.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I am sorry you are struggling.

I think I’m going to tell him we need to take a break until either, I’m more comfortable or he’s ready to re-commit to the relationship as a non-monogamous relationship. Being open is new and foreign to me as it is, but I feel like it’s very important to make it clear to others that we are ultimately committed to one another. If he refuses to call me his boyfriend, I’m not sure how to feel secure.

I think you are right. I think you could stop. Just be his ex. Love him like an ex. No hooking up. Because otherwise it leads to confusing feelings for you.

He is not willing to acknowledge that you hold a place in his life like "This is my BF. We are in an open relationship." To you or to others. He says calling you his BF feels too much like "ownership" to him.

All he is willing to give you in public is "We used to date." Which makes you feel small when you are still actually still dating, still lovers, and pretty entwined in private life. Then you feel awkward when out in public with him -- unsure how to be with public displays of affection.

I think you could make (private life) match (public life) and then you could start to feel more secure in your situation. Make the walk match the talk. Which sounds more stable and secure a situation for you than "do one thing but say another." You seem to dislike the discrepancy. You cannot change his behaviors since he is in charge of those. But you can change your own.

You can decide you are NOT his BF. You can decide to start behaving like an ex in the way that makes YOU comfortable. If (doing hook ups with an ex) is not something you enjoy doing because it leads to weird for you? Stop.

Right now to me you sound like you want a (primary-secondary) open model and he wants a (multiple non-primary or solo) open model. Just not a match here.

While your plan seems ok to me? I also think you need more time since breaking up before trying something new with him. I would add that.

I’m going to tell him we need to take a break until...

  • X months have passed to heal from previous relationship we shared

AND

  • Not start a new relationship with him until I’m more comfortable (with solo poly model)

OR

  • Not start a new relationship with him until he’s ready to re-commit to the relationship as a non-monogamous relationship (and practice primary-secondary model)


OR
  • Just stay exes.


I think you are still raw. I see that you just jumped right into a new Open model with him without thinking it all the way out or checking to see that you both want to practice the same kind of Open model.

Def take a break from him. Heal from that. When ready?

  • You could explore hook ups without including him in your hook up list. Your other experiences seemed positive.
  • You could explore Open relationships without including him as an Open relationship partner right now. Could seek someone else that is more compatible in what kind of Open model you want to practice and how you agree to be together while practicing it.
  • Let time go by. Later down the road you can assess what new relationship you two can create. Or if it is best to stay exes.

Galagirl
 
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we have taken a break and recently got back into contact. I feel detached enough to look at the situation with more perspective. I'm so unsure of myself. I have always wanted monogamy, but I can't say that there have not been times in a relationship where I wanted to pursue something else, but I've always told myself that the person I was with was not right for me. I think he has gotten to a place of acceptance where he believes that he was born as a poly person and now would like to be in a serious relationship that is poly.

I don't really know if that changes my perspective or not. I know I am still somewhat uncomfortable with the idea of him sleeping with other people but since we are not technically together in any capacity it has gotten to be less difficult.

I'm unsure as to why the idea of being poly is so difficult for me. I've always seen myself spending my life with one man. However, I can say that after three long term relationships, none of them have worked out. He is the only one that's been so difficult to walk away from. Part of me can see having a more "Stable" boyfriend and also having him. However my sensibilities tell me that I am monogamous by nature. It's all very confusing.
 
we have taken a break and recently got back into contact. I feel detached enough to look at the situation with more perspective. I'm so unsure of myself. I have always wanted monogamy, but I can't say that there have not been times in a relationship where I wanted to pursue something else, but I've always told myself that the person I was with was not right for me. I think he has gotten to a place of acceptance where he believes that he was born as a poly person and now would like to be in a serious relationship that is poly.

I don't really know if that changes my perspective or not. I know I am still somewhat uncomfortable with the idea of him sleeping with other people but since we are not technically together in any capacity it has gotten to be less difficult.

I'm unsure as to why the idea of being poly is so difficult for me. I've always seen myself spending my life with one man. However, I can say that after three long term relationships, none of them have worked out. He is the only one that's been so difficult to walk away from. Part of me can see having a more "Stable" boyfriend and also having him. However my sensibilities tell me that I am monogamous by nature. It's all very confusing.

I could be way off base with my thoughts, but I see a little of my past self with you. I was what I guess they call a Serial Monogamist. I would totally plunge into a new monogamous relationship...at first. After awhile I would start to drift. If I met someone else I would look for an excuse to leave the one I was with.

It was Cat who brought up polyamory as a solution for the both of us. The initial leap was very confusing to me as well. It was only after forming my own relationships that I began to see the light, so to speak. We did make all the mistakes you did. Setting up rules that weren't realistic. Not handling jealousy well. I think that happens a lot.

It does sound like you are looking for a stable central relationship with some extra-curricular activity. It sounds like your ex is more into a non-hierarchical type of relationship model. That is pretty much how things are going with Cat and I. I am the one who sees myself as solo. That doesn't mean I don't lover her. I am madly in love with her, but I can't give her that right now. I spent 20 years being something I'm not. If she chooses to find a more "stable" partner, I will accept that, even if I don't particularly like it.

The real game changer for me was seeing that I could love someone else and still feel the same about her. That made me realize she could do the same.
 
Thank you

This is very helpful. In any situation I've been in I tried to avoid people who I've had "Chemistry" with or immediately let them know that I was in a relationship. There have been occasions where that person still tried to purse something and it became tempting for me. I will say that They were people who were completely different than my partner at the time. It didn't make me feel less in love with my partner but made me feel guilty and wrong for having theses feelings at all. I do wonder, looking back on it if I could have remained happy in the relationship if I could have had something completely different with someone else at the same time.

I've always been afraid that someone would cheat on me, even with people who probably never would have. It makes me wonder if that's because in reality I knew that I often had a suppressed desire to have other relationships or different relationships as well. My monogamous mind has always told me that If I wanted something "different" I didn't want what I had in the first place. It makes me question weather or not I would be happy with more than one partner and it's just too foreign for me to truly consider. I' very confused and if this could be right for me I don't want to lose him. I certainly know that the stigma of it concerns me. How would I explain it to family and friends, people who would immediately judge me for it or try to convince me that it is not an option for me?
 
Hi nycsinger,

What about the idea that you might be mostly inclined to be monogamous, but a little bit inclined to be polyamorous? Would that make things less confusing?

When explaining it to family and friends, I would suggest doing so as simple and straightforward as possible. People who are condemning or judgmental are just going to be that way, you can't stop them. If someone starts to act like that, I think the thing to do is politely walk away.

That probably doesn't help much, sorry ...
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
It is definitely less confusing. I guess I've always seen things as black and white and I never thought there could be an in between. However, If I'm mostly inclined to be monogamous and a little inclined to be Poly how will I know which relationship structure works for me?
 
I think that would mean either relationship structure could work for you. The poly structure just might take more effort than the mono structure.
 
224

That's interesting and could be true. I'm so confused. One minute I go back to form and tell myself I need monogamy and the next I open my mind more, talk to people more and read more and start to wonder if this is somethign that would make me happy.

My ex feels like he now has a pretty solid Idea of what he wants and Isn;t very good at hearing maybe. I don;t know how to approach him with the idea that this might actually work for me. I also know that he will be uncomfortable with the notion that I could eventually meet someone who wants monogamy and be compelled to go for that once again.

Any Ideas?

And thank you so much for your kindness and being so open minded
 
No prob ... I think that if you choose a poly life with your ex, you should commit to the poly and to him. In other words, you won't jump ship at the first monogamous opportunity.

There's an interesting book you might like, it is called, "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. It puts an interesting spin on prevailing beliefs about monogamy.
 
I would say you find out which suits you probably the same way one finds out anything about what one likes in a relatioship. Experimentation. Whether something works or not you have learned something and can either see if your current relationship can accomodate what you want or you carry the knowledge to your next relationship. Just be sure you are giving new things a fair try and effort.

Leetah
 
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Thank you. That's very good advice and now that I'm a bit disconnected from our past monogamous relationship, I'm considering it. I don't know if I'd want to jump right back in, but I feel like just sort of dating, starting over in a way with this new knowledge and pursing other relationships at the same time may be an easier way to start.

My ex believes he's poly but had also never been In a poly relationship either so I don't think either of us knows what to expect or if it will work for us. The problem is he likes to think in definite terms and unfortunately I've been so back and fourth with this that he's tired of my confusion. I'm afraid that if I tell him I'm not really sure what I want and would like to test drive it without making a firm commitment he may not want to go for it. I don't want to tell him I can definitely do this and end up wanting monogamy later. I want to be honest with him and tell him I may end up needing to look for a monogamous partner at some point or end up also falling for someone who decides they want monogamy, and feeling like that's a better option for me.
 
It is definitely less confusing. I guess I've always seen things as black and white and I never thought there could be an in between. However, If I'm mostly inclined to be monogamous and a little inclined to be Poly how will I know which relationship structure works for me?

You just have to let things happen naturally, IMO. I don't understand why people feel the need to think up a relationship path, then seek someone who will follow through with it. If someone told me five years ago that I would be dating a girl with two married boyfriends, and hanging out on the porch with one of them, I would have laughed.
 
I agree except that we already broke up at this point. He is hesitant to try it again because I have been so confused and one minute think I can and the next minute think I can't. Patience isn't his best virtue. He jumps right into the deep end and I slowly put one foot in a time, taking it back several times if the waters too cold to go right in. I don't want to promise him something I'm not sure I can keep and he doesn't like not having definite answers.
 
That's a shame he doesn't have more patience. I think it's a lot to ask you to commit to both him AND poly qt the same time.
 
I agree, considering that I've held on to monogamy for so long, it is a lot to ask. I am going to try and appeal to him and explain that i need a lot of patience. I think he gets afraid and because he faces fear with it consequence he doesn't know how to approach fears slowly and cautiously. He's afraid he'll let himself believe I can do it, get his hopes up, only to have me tell him it's not for me.
 
That is certainly a risk he will have to face, but all relationships come with a risk that things won't work out. Good luck to you.
 
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