Letting partners read your blog

fuchka

Active member
I know that this gets discussed on here from time to time.

Recently JaneQ linked me to her post where she shared how she and her partners worked through this question.

A while ago, when I was thinking of this topic, I remember Mya/rory mentioning how they decided to manage their blog sharing so that they could still write about the difficult stuff in their relationship without causing confusion/hurt to the other person who may be reading.

I like the idea of sharing my blog with my partners... well... at least some of them? Haha. That leads me to:

My concerns (and the flipside of these (etc (&c)))

- I use my blog sometimes to untangle my - often wild - emotions. The space to do this is very important to me. (On the other hand, it's often the writing itself, rather than the blogging per se, that helps. There are times when I write about relationship-triggered things, but do not post to this forum. If having a partner read my blog makes me censor some things, it's perhaps not so bad. (But, I don't want to change how I blog. (Maybe I can continue to blog as normal as long as any partners reading take what I write with the requisite Grain of Salt?)))

- I'm not sure which partners I would be comfortable allowing to read my blog on here. At the very least, my two most long-term, serious partners who I've been with for 7+ and 4+ years. But I write about a bunch of other people too. What if they want to read? I'm not necessarily down for that. (It might be okay if I just share this with the people I feel comfortable with. This is not necessarily an issue that requires symmetry. (But. It feels lopsided. And in some ways an invasion of privacy too? Some partners get to read how I feel about other partners, but not vice versa. (Then again, when I share with people in person, in regular conversation, I do exactly this. I make a call, in each case, of what I feel comfortable sharing with that person.)))

- What about secrets? Sometimes I blog about the far interior of my relationships, and the challenges I have with a particular person, or possibly the challenges they are having with themselves. I have thus far been fairly free and easy about discussing other people's bizniz. If there are people that I know reading my blog, I perhaps would need to be more conscious about this. (Really, it's probably a good thing that I stop doing this anyway. I have enough of my own story to tell. This is a public forum, and I should ideally only be revealing myself. (But, other people's stories are often intertwined with my own. I can try to stay focused on my own stuff, but I'm not sure I'll be able to do that. (I could possibly find ways of managing this. Telling people when not to read (not ideal)... hmm.)))

- What about breakups? If things get ugly? I don't want to have dramas following me here. (The people who I trust enough to read this, I trust enough to respect my space. Surely. (Still, I am nervous about opening this up. This is important to me as a safe space. (Vulnerability, with the right people, is often worth it.))))

- I am shy! (Get over it, duckie.)

Those are the main points.

Both my longer-term partners (mentioned above) have said that they would like to read my blog, should I be okay with this.

They 100% respect this as my space, and wouldn't want me to have to change the way I write, or change the way I use this forum, simply so they can get to read my journal.

I don't feel any pressure. But I think I would like to share with them if I can! I'd like to hear their thoughts. I'd be interested to read their posts, if they would join here too.

In the past, I'd floated the idea to them about possibly blogging together on here. Not sure how feasible that is really; it seemed like a good idea once, but I think we wouldn't have the time to do this now.

Anyway, I wanted to post this as a discussion thread - and not on my blog - (a) to hear other people's experiences/perspectives on this, and (b) to potentially share this link with my partners who wish to read my blog, for their input!

Thanks for reading. I appreciate any comments.
 
My blog ON HERE is really just a way for "friends" I made here to access whats up with my poly world. But I don't keep it up well.
My personal blog is at wordpress. I keep up with it-but its my life. Not just poly issues.
It is open to my partners and the world. I don't actively promote it, but I don't hide it. I know my parents and siblings have accessed it at times. I have friends who are followers. Maca follows it. Gg does not.
Maca and i made a deal regarding him following it. If it bugs him-stop following it. But no bitching. It is my place to bitch (or express joy or whatever). In exchange, no bitching from me on fb or other places friends and family of his will read.
Which allows me outside perspective when i struggle, without the pressure on him from his friends reading my temper tantrums.
 
I would not be comfortable at all if any of my partners read my blog (or other posts).
My husband knows I participate in a 'forum about poly' but has never expressed interest in reading here.

For me, my blog on this forum, and other threads I post on, would lose all of its purpose if I knew (while writing) that people I know would be reading it.
It really is a safe space to share my poly related issues without worrying about what will hurt or upset or bewilder who.
 
my partners can see all my online stuff
 
DH had no interest in it. I probably would not have cared if he had read it because it would have been redundant to hear it from me first and then read it again.

My blog was a way of discussing my feelings surrounding decisions I made, progress check-ins, random thoughts, concerns, how I have embraced our new normal, and the final decisions regarding our future. All things that have been discussed over the past six months either in private or during counselling. If he ever wants to read it, I will give him the link. :)

Ry
 
I don't blog but if I did I wouldn't share it with my partners. I also wouldn't read theirs. I kind of feel that a blog is a safe haven to work through things and express how you feel. If my partner had access I might feel more inhibited which would kind of defeat the purpose of the blog.

I'm actually pretty private about conflicts. I tend to work it out myself then I might talk about it after the fact. I don't like asking for advice or getting unsolicited advice. I'm not someone that needs a lot of support.
 
FJ let me know he had read my blog not too long ago. Which is why I haven't updated it in a while. We are traveling a really rocky road right now, and as I really dig deep some of the stuff I'd write would cut him to the core, and I'm not sure we would survive that. I have my personal journal for that right now :/
 
Open letter

Thanks everyone for your input.

I've come up with the following letter which I'm going to send to the two longer-term partners (mentioned in the original post). I will also link them to this thread in case they want to read other perspectives and/or comment here.

Both of you have at some point expressed interest in reading my blog. Here's what I propose:

I'm going to keep blogging here in the way I need to and want to write. I don't desire or intend to change the way I write, just because you are possibly reading.

I don't think I need to know whether you're reading or not. But I will tell you if this changes.

If at any time I find it bothers me to know you might be reading my blog, I will ask you not to read anymore and I know you will respect that.

It's your responsibility to stay safe and stop reading if you need to. Obviously these are my internal workings, and (unless clearly stated otherwise) they are not messages for you personally. Please trust that when I want to talk with you about something, I will do so directly with you.

I'd like to hear your thoughts, so feel free to comment on my blog or otherwise. If something bothers you, please bring it up with me. I'd love if you felt like participating more generally on this forum too (but understand you may not have the inclination or the time!)

The way I write about other people in my blog can be quite intimate. I'm unsure about how appropriate it is to let partners read what I write about other partners. Do you think we can figure this out together?

I want to be open to sharing my writing with you. Let me know your thoughts on this.

Much love

The small satisfaction of a shuttlecock skimming over the net :)
 
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So I hate to break it to you all, but uhm... yeah... like, this forum is actually public. That means anyone who stumbles upon it has your implicit permission to read anything you write, because, you know, you wrote it on a public forum on the internet and stuff...

If you want to write things that are truly private, and control who has access, then setup a blog on Blogger and make it invite-only. Otherwise, you don't really get a vote in who is "allowed" to read it... You do not own your partners, and you don't get to tell them what they're allowed to read on the internet. If you put something on the internet that you'd rather they didn't read, that's really your problem and you need to think twice about what you write in public.

Just because you don't give the URL for the forum and your username here, doesn't mean your circle won't come across it. You're in a polyamorous situation. Each and every one of us found this forum while we were seeking information and discussion about polyamory. Is it such a stretch to imagine your partners might have the same desire? Once they find it, it's not terribly hard for people to recognize themselves in a blog, especially as you describe more and more people and situations.

For example, if you put something on a public forum, you no longer get to call it "a secret." It's like when people say something on the radio "just between you and me." The difference is they're being tongue-in-cheek and they have no illusions that it's not being broadcast across the world.

Furthermore, if you're blogging about other people and revealing details about their lives, they have every right to read those things. If they ask you not to post about them, it would be very rude of you to continue doing so. Thus, if you're posting things you believe they'd rather not have disclosed even anonymously, and you're worried that they might read it, then that's probably an indication that you should shut your mouth and keep their secrets to yourself.

All that being said, of course you have the right to request that your partners respect your space. But you need to realize that's a request on your behalf, not an obligation you can impose upon them.
 
So I hate to break it to you...

Woah, dude.

I understand where you're coming from. I'm not sure you understand where I am... but that's okay.

Yup, this is a public forum. And it's in a way ridiculous to be even having this discussion, right?

But it actually is not ridiculous. This is a real dynamic/negotiation for at least some people who blog on here. To keep this still safe as a (yes, public) space for someone to write in

if you're posting things you believe they'd rather not have disclosed even anonymously, and you're worried that they might read it, then that's probably an indication that you should shut your mouth and keep their secrets to yourself.

I guess this is the crux of that issue. To most people (I assume) reading my blog on here, the characters would be anonymous. But for people who know me, the people will not be. Is this an issue? Would I write differently if I thought the people would be identified? Should I be using the latter standard anyway, on a public forum? (I'd say - not necessarily?)

I don't really share secrets about other people's lives (and I agree with your shut-your-mouth comment). But I was thinking about the intimate details about how I relate to a particular person or think about them.

Would I always have to think about how someone may feel, if other people they knew read about them?

Yeah, maybe I do.

But, I don't :p

That said, I would obviously stop writing about someone if they specifically asked me to.
 
Reply #1

your proposal sounds good to me. I appreciate your openness in letting me read the posts.

love

Reply #2

Wants to think some more about it, and will reply later. Not sure how he feels about potentially invading other people's privacy
 
Woah, dude.

I understand where you're coming from. I'm not sure you understand where I am... but that's okay.

So you snipped out the "all" from "I hate to break it to you." Aside from your usage of the word "letting" in the thread title, you didn't really say anything about "allowing" other people to read it, only whether or not you should "be ok with it." Some other people gave (what seemed to me as) as stronger indication that they were actively trying to prevent their people from seeing their posts.

The point I was trying to get at is that no one has the ability to "let" their partners or friends read their public posts. But you are completely correct when you say/imply that you can ask your partners to agree not to read your posts. Ironically, that would require you to show them exactly where they are, so they know what it is they're not supposed to read. Otherwise, they might unknowingly stumble upon it (since it's anonymous) and only realizes a few posts in that they're reading your blog.

It's just like the diary you keep in the bottom drawer of your bedside table. You can ask them not to read it, but at the end of the day, you have to trust that they're respect your privacy.

I definitely admit that when Gralson is reading over my shoulder, I think a little longer before typing something out. Usually I brain-dump through the keyboard, and then edit out [most of] the garbage. But when he's reading over my shoulder, I tend to censor myself at an earlier stage. It definitely interferes with my thought process, and usually I end up finishing the post I'm working on and then closing the window. He has no time or interest for browsing the forum on his own, so I don't think about that.
 
So you snipped out the "all" from "I hate to break it to you."

Oh, sorry... I actually misread that as "I hate to break it to you and all". I'm not on the general forums as much as the blog section, and it slipped my mind that your comment may not be directed at me specifically as the OP. Whoops.

Yeah, in retrospect "Letting" wasn't the best word to describe things.

I may be reiterating my initial post, but thought I'd try to put it in another way...

The simplest way for me to be able to write freely in the way I want to write, is if my partners don't read my blog.

They know that, and because of that have respected this as my own space.

In order for me to continue to feel I can write freely, while knowing that my partners may be reading my blog, is to me a specific negotiation that I (and they) know we need to have. Neither of them want me to stop me being able to blog how I want to. If, for example, they were unwilling to stop reading when I needed them to stop reading, then I would stop writing.

So, yeah... it's really very little like "letting" and more about trying to make a space the way we all want it.

Of course there are people (and possibly other lovers) who know me and who may come across this public blog. Not too stressed about that, but to be honest I hadn't turned my mind to it too much. It's certainly something to keep in mind - as you said.

In terms of the partners I mentioned, they knew I blogged here and could find the link if they wanted to. One actually ended up reading my blog a while back though he'd agreed not to, which was definitely a once-off, and interesting to work through. He's the one who is currently not sure if he wants to read it anymore.

Thanks for your input.
 
My boyfriend, nudge, recently joined this forum and spotted me so we had the discussion (right after i said ,Dont read my old posts!! ha) that he would post what we wanted to, but tell the otehr not to read it if it was inflamatory and if that person chose to do so anyone, that was on them.

I also write a poly article for a website that both my partners read, though BF has agreed not to read it if i write about the strain between his wife and i and i think it mgiht upset him (though i dont think i'd right anything inflammatory anyway)

the thing with the internet is, someone can always find out its you. if i find my thoughts/questions etc are VERY private of possible to cause hurt, i dont share them publicly.
 
Dr[epor into

As one of the longer term partners mentioned in above discussion :)

-----------------

To reply to your letter: I reckon there is absolutely no hurry bubble. I love you, we beat in time together the way the wind kissed a sail (and who is the wind? and who is the sail?). When it comes down to dinner condiments, you are my salt, and while I do have an incredibly strong desire to read what you’ve written ( part of this being just wanting to indecently spread the crematorium curtains open and peer directly into the molten window of our souls, part of this being simply to hear my own story told in someone else’s voice),but anyways and disregardless, I mean, that is to say: nonetheless and notwithstanding -- I would advise caution.

You say that me & S reading what you've written won’t affect the way you write in future, but I reckon that it will. I've seen this first hand. You've already said -- could it be possible I let you read this section and not that section? And I reckon it is not possible to let people you care about read what you've written about them without censoring yourself. Especially when the element on the stovetop is still hot. Be careful, this is your space, don’t give away your freedoms too easy.

Besides which I think: Nah. By which I mean: No, I could not do that. I could not read x and z and not y. My curiosity would be incurable, insatiable, gluttonous.. I would break, I don’t think I could help myse f.I would think “what terrible secrets is she keeping from me?” And this kind of censorship kinda vaguely leads me to believe this is not the actual admittedly ambiguous very fuzzy slightly blurry sort-of thing you want anyway.

Here is my alternative: I purpose I read stuff that’s over x (6? 12) months old only. Six months, a year, that shit has a kinda distance from ourselves, it’s no longer some kinda greedy street urchin got its nose pressed up against the Christmas window of the present , six months later the drums of war don’t seem beat so close to us.

I love you m.
 
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She kinda does

Otherwise, you don't really get a vote in who is "allowed" to read it... You do not own your partners, and you don't get to tell them what they're allowed to read on the internet.

Yeah, so: we've talked about this, we are adults, and I hate to break it to you but this is totally the issue we are discussing. Fukcha is not a stupid person (just the thought of the sentence makes me giggle a little): of course I can technically read her blog any time I want (and currently she has asked me not to), but this is not the problem at hand. The question that poses itself is this: is she cool with me reading her blog anytime i want?
 
I personally have experienced pressure from being to frank on my blog and I know that some blog issues have caused issues with other Poly folks also, so IMHO, I would not want partners to read my blog. It should be a place where one feels safe, but it may necessitate writing anonymously (I don't btw), no use telling your partner your username is 'Warhammer' and have a blog on here called 'Warhammer's Poly drama' and not expect your partner/s to read it if they come across it.
 
I reckon it is not possible to let people you care about read what you've written about them without censoring yourself.

Yeah, you're probably right. However, I'm tempted to try. I dunno. We can always revert if it's not working?

I was struck by how this falls into that weird liminal space between permission and invasion. Say I had a decrepit building, for example, and it was just there for the exploring, in the middle of somewhere. It's my place, I can leave it however the fuck I want. Don't have to worry about shit lying around, the floor breaking in places.

Now if you came upon this building, knowing that it was not necessarily open for drop-in visitors, that it was not necessarily safe to explore, you would take caution. If the stairs collapsed beneath you, that would be your fault entirely - and you'd know it.

However, if I had given you permission of any kind to be there, or even perhaps knew that you, or people in general, were likely to find this place and wander around, I might feel the need to modify things a little, put up a sign or wrap danger tape around the dodgy bits.

But I'd rather write with abandon, and expect anyone fossicking around to take care of themselves.

Here is my alternative: I purpose I read stuff that’s over x (6? 12) months old only.

You say this after stating that you don't believe you can stick to any boundaries. It's all or nothing. I think this is probably something you need to figure out for yourself.

I get what you're saying, though. You mean that, if you reassured me that you wouldn't be reading anything fresh, then I wouldn't feel any pressure to change the way I write. Yeah, I mean, you could do this if you liked. Sounds like it may not work in practice though :cool:

is she cool with me reading her blog anytime i want?

Not sure. I'd like to be?

I don't want to compromise how safe this space is for me to write in. I am unsure whether this is a compromise.

I've also been thinking that this may be less about the 'issue at hand' (whether I'm cool with you reading my blog) and more about a 'reality check' about what a public blog is. Dance like no one's watching, sure, but am I really okay that people may be watching?

As long as I don't open my eyes... ? :D

I find this topic pretty interesting. Thanks for joining this thread, and forum. Hmm, gonna be even harder to resist reading now, eh? ;) Love you too.
 
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