I had a walk with my new friend's girlfriend yesterday. She wanted to meet with me all last week.
I knew that there was lots to talk about. I couldn't focus on much though, as I had a show coming up and I thought I would be unable to be fully present and therefore disrespectful, so I put her off. Turns out that she had a hard time with that, as I texted her bf all week every day and that was kind of like spending time with him that could have been spent talking to her about some of her triggers and concerns.
I think she understands now that I wanted to be sure that I was able to spend a good chunk of time talking and concentrating on her, whereas I met him on work time briefly, and talked to him about casual stuff through text. Well, limited stuff anyway. There is only so much you can say in a sentence or two.
It seems that this "friendship" had gone into partnership, in her head and in his heart. He was coming across as us "dating" now and she was having a hard time seeing it any other way. Mono and I have been joking that he is my mock bf and she my mock metamour.
Really, I might as well be dating him, the amount of work we have all put in.
What can I say? I'm a relationship geek. I like this stuff. Besides, she asked if I could be a pretend girlfriend so she could work on this stuff.
We managed to come to some boundary agreements by the end of the conversation, that I intend to remember. I asked that she remind me if I forget and that I will do the same. I don't want to fall into that whole thing where someone forgets and the other gets bent out of shape about it and assumes that there is something else going on. Its better to check assumptions than let them fester into something bigger than they really are. It could take time to get on track with these boundaries.
So, we agreed that, regardless of what is going on between me and him, I am still friends with her, and that just because she is not on my radar right now doesn't mean that I don't care about her or don't want to be her friend. Things ebb and flow. Right now, he is the one that can offer me the things in a friendship that I need. (I talked about this in an earlier thread, I believe.)
Later, it might be that she does, or that she finds others to be friends with, and I am left waiting to hang out. Life and friendships are just like that. It doesn't mean that I think less of her, just there are other things going on right now. She wants to build our friendship, and this is certainly doing just that, just maybe not in the way she was thinking it would.
We agreed that if she doesn't know what is going on, and is concerned that I might be being dishonest, that she ask about it. If she thinks he is, she will ask him. There will be no more purposeful or assumed deception going on. (She is going to ask him if he will agree to this boundary, too.)
We agreed that he needs to be supported and that we can come together to do that. This is all new to him. (Friendship? This is where the lines got blurry.) His past has left him in a position of being confused about what is okay to talk about and what isn't, what is okay to feel and what isn't. He seems to live in fear of being in trouble.
I suggested that she thank him for telling him what his plans are, or what he has done with me, and leave it alone, rather than cause more fear by bringing up her own assumptions and fears. (This is where checking in will help, I hope.)
Lastly, when there is an issue that is bigger than just a quick check-in, we will meet up to talk about it. If it can be covered in an email or a text, then we will do so, but if it's a larger issue, then I need to know a bit of detail, as that is where I have fear. I have a hard time not knowing a bit of detail before meeting someone to "talk." Also, we will arrange to hang out and just have a good time, too. After all, does it have to be all about process?!
So, it's day one on this, and I haven't talked to him at all. I told him that I needed a break as I needed space. I feel very untrusting of this situation and not ready for it. I told her yesterday that I am still struggling with the loss of Leo and that getting wrapped up in a couple's issues and drama is a bit much for me right now, especially over a friendship.
I don't know what the hell I am doing in this or how I got here. I don't feel at all like I want to be the guiding force behind their relationship dynamic, and I could easily become that. I have more experience in relationships, and I fear that I will either fuck up, and it will be all my fault, or that they will break up, and it will be all my fault, or that it will be quite obvious that I don't really want to hang out with them, because I am overwhelmed and not ready for more work on relationships, and it will be all my fault.
Basically, I am not over believing that everything is always all my fault. I am not over believing that with Leo and his wife. I don't think I want to get into anything with anyone, even acquaintances and people I come across, let alone people who are my friends and are becoming potentially more than that. Sigh... I took the day off to decide what to do and I still don't know.
In the last few days, I have been yelled at by people a couple of times over stuff that they either assumed was true about me, and didn't bother to check out, or blew up because I was trying to be helpful in some way. I wonder sometimes why I don't blow up more over this stuff. I do nothing but sit like a deer in the headlights and avoid in these situations.
I used to stand up for myself. Now I see no point in trying. People decide what they want to decide, regardless of what I do and say and how I am. They decide on a scale between a goddess on a pedestal to a babbling idiot that doesn't know what she is talking about. I can't think of how to budge them into realizing that I am struggling just as much with my humanity as they are, and that just like them, I change and grow and understand things differently all the time.
What makes them think that they can speak to me in the way they do? Do I have a sticker on my head that says "Its okay, yell at me. I don't deserve respectful conversation and questioning"?
I have given up on the title of dominant woman these days. I'm done with the whole BDSM thing for now. I have found it has not helped my image in the community I am in, and I don't want the title of Mistress I have bestowed on myself. For me, that is all going underground, where it is safe and cozy. I feel as if I have been places in a position of being like other doms that bark out orders to everyone, just because they can, and it's expected.
There are so many fucked-up doms out there. I don't want to be associated with them. I wonder if I would be treated more gently if I kept my D/s life to myself more. I have spent a lifetime doing my best to put myself out there, and making myself vulnerable as someone who is confident and secure in who I am, and now I seem to be taking all that back.
The funny thing is that my new friend's gf told me she noticed her bf was quick to respond when I asked him to do something she perceived was for me. He was quick to please me and he did.
She was pleased because she saw the sub in him, or sub potential. My nature will shine through, regardless of what I do. I know that. But I am hoping that it will be softened and become more approachable in terms of negotiating space if I stop calling myself "Mistress." I don't need to claim that description. I can live it without the D/s and BDSM community. I can live poly without them too.
Fuck 'em all. *shrug*
I'm not letting the bastards get me down.