Redpepper's journey

Holding the knowledge of love's existence very tenderly, and giving love in return, whenever I can.

This week has been filled with returns of old loves. Not on purpose. It's just happening. Its been a blessing to receive their apologies and explanations and get a chance to express myself. I'm overwhelmed, feel the closure, feel the grief subside in many ways and my heart is opened with their love. Much more is to come, I think. I wish for some pacing, though. It's a lot to take in.
 
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You have such a way with words. I'm glad you're getting some closure.
 
I just realized something that has made me feel a fool. Leo had always said he and his wife were not poly. They have an "open relationship." We talked a lot about poly, and what it means to me, and others, and he never committed to the term. I think it kind of irritated him, really. I don't know what the hell we had together, as open relationships are usually about sex, and we didn't have that, But the mindset seemed to be very different, or at least different for them. And this is where I should've realized a bit more what was going on. What I could've done differently I don't know. Just a random thought in the long process to get my head above the water.

Life has been ticking along and I have been consumed with burlesque, Lazik eye surgery, spring, many happy family moments, a hot night with my Derby girl and PN's birthday. Ahh, it's all good. :D

The new man in my life is interesting and attentive. Ahh, NRE. I am enjoying his attention in great mouthfuls. He has loved me for some time, he says. A good 18 months. I have seen it on his face as plain as day and have chosen, until now, to ignore it. It soothes me to know I am loved and it makes me feel worthy of loving again.

He is kind, caring, listens to every word I say, follows me with his eyes around the room and is dedicated to seeing what the heck will happen. I am skeptical. I feel as if I am using him. I have told him this, and feel like I can write it down, as a result. I am not able to trust that the moment I allow myself to love him, even just as a friend, that I will be slapped on the wrist for doing so and someone will say, "No! Don't touch. He's mine! Get your hands off!" and convince him I am bad in some way that makes him want to leave. Such is my repetitive history. I am concerned that my attraction to him is simply because I am hurt and he is rescuing me from that. He knows I feel this way and doesn't seem to be concerned himself or changing course.

He talks of the importance of freedom and the importance of not being glued to any one person, but there is a strong woman in his life who is my friend and I don't want to lose that. She is very forthcoming with her triggers about us hanging out and expresses them immediately. I am grateful for that. I have been able to walk with her through her jealousy and the threat she thinks I am by texting and talking with her. She has had others to help also, but I am grateful that she has chosen to include me in her struggle. It is making our relationship of trust stronger, as a result. I think. I hope. That is my intent, anyway. I intend to keep my integrity where others have not with her.

Yesterday I finally got to say to this man what I have been holding in, about my fears, and where I am coming from in regards to where this is going. I am not ready or willing to be even remotely considering another deep relationship of connection and bonding with someone. I don't trust that I will not be hurt at the end. I have had too many experiences of being told that I am no longer welcome in people's lives. I just can't do it right now. I am working on that. Besides, I have enough in my life.

I am seeing an ex-boyfriend today. (BF by my definition, not his. I was just his fuck toy.) The last time I saw him by chance at an event I was participating in, he was apologetic, thanked me for all the learning he did because of me and asked if we could be friends. (Greeeeat, what did I get out of that?). Today I will see him as a friend. Wish me luck. My heart is heavy, but I am determined to not allow myself to think of the past and what I felt like then. I am determined to move forward with dignity and grace so that we can both move on. I don't want him to hold on to his pain, either.

I find it really interesting that over and over again I am such a great catch for people who are starting out in poly because I have experience. My new friend commented on this. He said that he was really pleased that it turns out I am so self aware and know how poly theory works in practice. I imagine it makes him feel comfortable that I can look after myself and know what it is that he is trying to achieve, that I am willing to negotiate and set boundaries with ease.

He said he has decided not to date women that are not poly anymore, as a result. He doesn't want to teach them about what he is looking for. He wants them to know, as I do. The thing is, and what I explained to him, is that it sometimes means I get used in that process, just as I did with many old boyfriends, over and over again. Shit gets hard and they fuck off because they either can't handle it or don't see it working for them anymore, where they swore up and down that poly makes so much sense to them.

More skepticism. See, I have a long way to go before I open up to anyone's outpouring of love.

:( Sad. I must get over this.

Sorry about this choppy post. I am having to leave before editing. This one is simple a regurgitation of many thoughts I needed to get out.
 
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RP,
Just go there to meet him knowing who you are today, and don't let yourself get wrapped up in who you were back then. Think about all the beauty and joy you have in your life right now. Remember that you are strong!

My old boss had a favorite phrase: "Don't let the bastards get you down." Don't know why I love it so much but it's helpful when I feel like the world has conspired against me.
 
"Don't let the bastards get you down."
Isn't that from a Rhianna song also? You don't strike me as the type to listen to Rhianna.:p I didn't know it was from anything else, actually. I have sung that often in the last few months. It's a great phrase.

It went okay. There was nothing there for me. Nothing but a faint love of what we had. A small smile of appreciation for some of the moments I remember us having and a whole lot of being really done.

He was very repetitive and we talked about many of the same things as when I saw him by accident last week. Then I got an email that repeated it again. Four times now? I think four times he has said how great his life is. What does that mean? His life is great? Or is there something that I am supposed to get from that, a hidden message of some sort? I dunno. :confused:

Apart from that, he told me he got his tests done and is clean and details that I didn't really want to hear about him and his girlfriend. I was confused and a bit put off by all that. I didn't really want to know. I tried to change the conversation to something different, but he went back to the same stuff.

I understand that he doesn't have many people to talk to that understand and that sometimes that kind of thing feels good to release to someone that gets it. I understand that he was trying to let me know how well he was doing and how much has changed in terms of being free to pursue others. I also understood that he was feeling close to me because of our past and what we had together. But that is over. We aren't even friends at this point. It was just too much by the end of our conversation.

In the email, he asked to meet me again for a beer. I dunno. I don't see why, exactly. What do we have to meet for? There is nothing else going to happen between us. I felt like it was likely he would say the same things again, and as far as I could see, there was not much else to base a friendship on, so why? Sigh... I have to think about it.

I just don't have the energy, desire, capacity within me to be used as a vessel for someone else's information about their sex life, especially someone I HAD a sex life with. I don't know if its jealousy. Maybe? I was the one that lost that and he had it with another woman, not six months later. He has a FANTASTIC sex life with his wife now too. Whoopie! I'm SO glad that YOU got something from my misery and hurt. Sigh. :) It's all too much, sometimes. I will give it time.
 
Isn't that from a Rhianna song also... :D You don't stirke me as the type to listen to Rhianna.:p I didn't know it was from anything else actually. I have sung that often in the last few months. Its a great phrase.

It went okay. There was nothing there for me. Nothing but a faint love of what we had. A small smile of appreciation for some of the moments I remember us having and a whole lot of being really done.

He was very repetitive and we talked about much of the same things as when I saw him by accident last week. Then I got an email that repeated it again... four times now? I think four times he has said how great his life is? What does that mean? His life is great? Or is there something that I am suppose to get from that? A hidden message of some sort? I dunno :confused:

Apart from that he told me he got his tests done and is clean and details that I didn't really want to hear about him and his girlfriend. I was confused and a bit put off by all that. I didn't really want to know. I tried to change the conversation to something different but he went back to the same stuff.

I understand that he doesn't have many people to talk to that understand and that sometimes that kind of thing feels good to release to someone that gets it. I understand that he was trying to let me know how well he was doing and how much has changed in terms of being free to pursue others. I also understood that he was feeling close to me because of our past and what we had together.... but that is over. We aren't even friends at this point and it was just too much by the end of our conversation.

In the email he asked to meet me again for a beer. I dunno.... I don't see why exactly. Really? What do we have to meet for? There is nothing else going to happen between us, I felt like it was likely he would say the same things again and as far as I could see there was not much else to base a friendship on, so why? Sigh.... I have to think about it.

I just don't have the energy, desire, capacity within me to be used as a vessel of someone else's information about their sex life. Especially someone I HAD a sex life with. I don't know if its jealousy? Maybe... I was the one that lost that and he had it with another woman not six months later... he has a FANTASTIC sex life with his wife now too.... whoooopy! SO glad that YOU got something from my misery and hurt. Sigh. :) Its all too much sometimes. I will give it time.

Haha you took the words outta my mouth about the Rihanna reference Red...

About the ex, boy, does he sound familiar. I remember mine giving me unnecessary details about his current sex life, in a way that was designed to make me feel inadequate. It didn't even sink in til days later, and at that point all I could do was laugh.

If he offered himself to me tomorrow I'd happily grin and say, "No thanks. I don't miss it, if that's what you're asking."

:D
 
If he offered himself to me tomorrow I'd happily grin and say, "No thanks. I don't miss it, if that's what you're asking."
:D
that's too funny! I never thought that might be what he is wondering! I guess it might be that or that he feels like he has his prowess back and wants me to know it. Ha! :D interesting.
 
I just don't have the energy, desire, capacity within me to be used as a vessel of someone else's information about their sex life. Especially someone I HAD a sex life with. I don't know if its jealousy? Maybe... I was the one that lost that and he had it with another woman not six months later... he has a FANTASTIC sex life with his wife now too.... whoooopy! SO glad that YOU got something from my misery and hurt. Sigh. :) Its all too much sometimes. I will give it time.

I wonder if you're feeling what you're feeling because there wasn't any closure for you when that relationship came to an abrupt halt. It seems that he's found that closure and isn't aware or doesn't have the empathy that you're still working on finding that closure. It probably doesn't help that the wounds from Leo are so fresh. I imagine that if you had crossed paths either 6 months ago or 6 months from now his stories wouldn't sting quite so much.
 
Isn't that from a Rhianna song also? :D You don't strike me as the type to listen to Rhianna.:p I didn't know it was from anything else, actually. I have sung that often in the last few months. It's a great phrase.
Hahaha, no, you're right, I don't listen to Rhianna. I'm not even sure if I know who she is. When I see that name, I think of "Rhiannon," the old Stevie Nicks song. I must be an old fart.

It was the early '90s when I had that boss who used that phrase. He said it was a translation of an old Gaelic saying-- and he knew it in Gaelic, too!

He was very repetitive and we talked about much of the same things as when I saw him by accident last week. Then I got an email that repeated it again... four times now? I think four times he has said how great his life is?
Yeah, right. Goodie for him, but who asked? Geez.

Apart from that he told me he got his tests done and is clean.

In the email, he asked to meet me again for a beer. I dunno. I don't see why exactly.

Sigh... I have to think about it.
Why in hell would he tell you about his tests??!! It sounds like he believes he's now ready to hook up with you again and is just assuming you'd want to, or are always available. And he's living in the past. What a yutz. He reminds me of a time when I got together with an old boyfriend many years later and he kept telling me things I didn't want to know, as if our past gave him permission to intrude on my personal space. It was very icky. And I realized what a bore the guy was and how much I had changed-- no compatibility between us anymore. Thank goodness!

Why are you even thinking about getting together with him again? You try too hard to not have people dislike you, I think. In this case, I wouldn't worry about sparing his feelings. It's been over and done with for such a long time. I'd answer him like, "Oh, no thanks. I'm not really interested," in as bored a tone as possible, to let him know the thought is about a million miles from what you'd even remotely consider.
 
I wonder if you're feeling what you're feeling because there wasn't any closure for you when that relationship came to an abrupt halt. It seems that he's found that closure and isn't aware or doesn't have the empathy that you're still working on finding that closure. It probably doesn't help that the wounds from Leo are so fresh. I imagine that if you had crossed paths either 6 months ago or 6 months from now his stories wouldn't sting quite so much.
I think it's mostly because I realized he didn't really love me as I loved him. To him, it was all about sex. I was just a friend of his. He had a good time, and so did I, but really, when push came to shove, I was just a good lay to him. I gave a lot and we had some pretty crazy times.

I realized when I saw him that I think I invested more in what we had than he did. I think he wants to see if he can have the sex back. It won't be happening. My heart has pushed him into friend space that doesn't include sex. It's tentative, because I won't be having sex with him, and I expect that he will lose interest if there is no sex involved in any kind of new friendship we build. If that happens, I will be likely be hurt again. I'm so fucking predictable. At least I know how these cycles go for me. :rolleyes:
 
Hahaha, no, you're right, I don't listen to Rhianna. I'm not even sure if I know who she is - when I see that name, I think of "Rhiannon" - the old Stevie Nicks song. I must be an old fart.
Ahhhh, but you're a lovable old fart. :D Great song! So is the Rhianna one.

Rhianna-Cheers (drink to that)
Stevie Nicks- Rhiannon

Yeah, very different. Hahaha
Why in hell would he tell you about his tests??!! It sounds like he believes he's now ready to hook up with you again and is just assuming you'd want to or are always available. And he's living in the past. What a yutz. He reminds me of a time when I got together with an old boyfriend many years later and he kept telling me things I didn't want to know as if our past gave him permission to intrude on my personal space. It was very icky. And I realized what a bore the guy was and how much I had changed - no compatibility between us anymore. Thank goodness!
Yes, this is what I think is going on with him. Sigh... *head shake*

Why are you even thinking about getting together with him again? You try too hard to not have people dislike you, I think. In this case, I wouldn't worry about sparing his feelings. It's been over and done with for such a long time. I'd answer him like, "Oh, no thanks, I'm not really interested" in as bored a tone as possible to let him know the thought is about a million miles from what you'd even remotely consider.
Yes, yes, I do. I learned that from my mother. She was always positive that people would turn around their dislike for her, and sometimes they did. I do the same thing, but really, sometimes there is too much water under the bridge.

I don't think its about dislike so much, as a lack of interest in sorting shit out on my part. I know I don't hate anyone. I am just not interested in them after a time, or ever. My dad used to say hate is a very strong word and should be used very carefully. It sends out a message (energy, is how I see it) that is very destructive.

I can't think of anything I hate, really. There are reasons for everything, if I just dig deeply enough, or empathize enough. It doesn't make stuff right, or good, according to my values, but it means I can let hate go fast enough to not let it sink in.

Maybe I shouldn't spare his feelings. I am curious what would happen if I told him what I think is going on. If we ever do go for a beer, I will be expressing what I see happening and will be letting him know that I don't wish to talk about his past, the women after me, or the sex life he has now. I don't want to hear any more, and if he continues to talk about it, I won't go out to meet him again. He is an interesting man and we have had some great conversations, apart from the ones I am confused about. Maybe we can meet and it isn't as I suspect.

Am I being naive again? Probably. :eek:
 
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This was an intense week in terms of stuff going on, but I am managing to hold my head above water, so far.

I had a chance to be a human book last week at the local University library. I did the same event 18 months ago and came back to do it again. My title was something along the lines of not judging a book by its cover as I am a kinky, pansexual, polyamorous burlesquer. As usual, the poly part was the most interesting to people. I got the chance to tell people about the Calendar site I host for poly events (in my sig), talked to people about what poly means to me, counsel people, tell them specifics about poly and even a little stuff about burlesque. Very fun and tiring day.

Friday, Mono and I had some friends over for some cider we made from the plums on our tree out front. Derby came along. PN came downstairs and so did my new friend. All four of us got on well. It was a nice night. It was a major deal for me, as Mono isn't big on anyone coming into his space.

Unfortunately, Mono said some stuff that I didn't understand. We needed to process it afterwards and that meant I stayed up all night. He said that he could have a girlfriend, or someone he would have sex with. He has seen me do it, so why shouldn't he? My jaw dropped.

We processed that for a long time after everyone left. He has always told me that if he ever says he wants other women, it would mean we were done, so I took this as we were done. He said that isn't what he meant. So then I took it as he is poly! Which would mean that I would now have to adjust my life to him being completely different from what he said he was. :eek:

As he indicated the next morning, he is not poly, nor are we over because he wants other women. He simply meant that he has realized, since experiencing all I went through with my break-up with Leo, that I really do love more than one person at a time. He really got that and empathized with me. He had not been able to until I was struggling with losing someone that I loved. I had a good long nap after that, out of sheer exhaustion. I got up later to do my show.

Last night was an honour. I did my burlesque thing with two of the most popular and well-known burlesquers in town. One of the two has invited me to do a show with her and join her in a number. I am on top of the world! Three months ago, there was nothing going on and it looked like everything was going to be shut down. I thought that the one thing that I really feel I am good at and have a talent for, that gives me so much joy was going to end. But now it's all shaping up to be quite the opposite. I am getting bookings from everywhere and have to turn some down!

I was overjoyed to have not only my three lovely and amazing partners come and see me, but also my fantastic metamour, and my new friend (who comes to all my shows, anyway) and his girlfriend. I was so pleased they all had a great time and we were all together.

It was a night of staying clear of the the new friend's girlfriend, however, as she is having a hard time accepting our new friendship, and is very insecure about what it means. I have told him that I won't be spending a lot of time with him when she is around, until it's resolved, as I don't want to be in the middle of it. He has already decided to not pass on info, in case she has a hard time. I don't feel comfortable with that, at all. I have told him that I won't lie to her if it comes up. I suggested he start making sure that he tells her stuff and just letting her lose it, as that is the only way he will build integrity.

It's looking a bit like I am back on the train of being the poly veteran to his newbie status. It harked of DADT to me. He had never heard that term. Red flag! I'm being very cautious.
 
Well, it was bound to happen. I was invited to the same party as Leo and his wife. Thankfully, I asked if they would be there and could opt out even if I agreed to go before finding out. I have another party to go to, so at least I could say I would see how it goes. It should be fun for them and I'm happy for them. Sad for me, happy for them. Is that compersion? I dunno.
 
I had a walk with my new friend's girlfriend yesterday. She wanted to meet with me all last week.

I knew that there was lots to talk about. I couldn't focus on much though, as I had a show coming up and I thought I would be unable to be fully present and therefore disrespectful, so I put her off. Turns out that she had a hard time with that, as I texted her bf all week every day and that was kind of like spending time with him that could have been spent talking to her about some of her triggers and concerns.

I think she understands now that I wanted to be sure that I was able to spend a good chunk of time talking and concentrating on her, whereas I met him on work time briefly, and talked to him about casual stuff through text. Well, limited stuff anyway. There is only so much you can say in a sentence or two.

It seems that this "friendship" had gone into partnership, in her head and in his heart. He was coming across as us "dating" now and she was having a hard time seeing it any other way. Mono and I have been joking that he is my mock bf and she my mock metamour. :p Really, I might as well be dating him, the amount of work we have all put in. :D What can I say? I'm a relationship geek. I like this stuff. Besides, she asked if I could be a pretend girlfriend so she could work on this stuff.

We managed to come to some boundary agreements by the end of the conversation, that I intend to remember. I asked that she remind me if I forget and that I will do the same. I don't want to fall into that whole thing where someone forgets and the other gets bent out of shape about it and assumes that there is something else going on. Its better to check assumptions than let them fester into something bigger than they really are. It could take time to get on track with these boundaries.

So, we agreed that, regardless of what is going on between me and him, I am still friends with her, and that just because she is not on my radar right now doesn't mean that I don't care about her or don't want to be her friend. Things ebb and flow. Right now, he is the one that can offer me the things in a friendship that I need. (I talked about this in an earlier thread, I believe.)

Later, it might be that she does, or that she finds others to be friends with, and I am left waiting to hang out. Life and friendships are just like that. It doesn't mean that I think less of her, just there are other things going on right now. She wants to build our friendship, and this is certainly doing just that, just maybe not in the way she was thinking it would.

We agreed that if she doesn't know what is going on, and is concerned that I might be being dishonest, that she ask about it. If she thinks he is, she will ask him. There will be no more purposeful or assumed deception going on. (She is going to ask him if he will agree to this boundary, too.)

We agreed that he needs to be supported and that we can come together to do that. This is all new to him. (Friendship? This is where the lines got blurry.) His past has left him in a position of being confused about what is okay to talk about and what isn't, what is okay to feel and what isn't. He seems to live in fear of being in trouble.

I suggested that she thank him for telling him what his plans are, or what he has done with me, and leave it alone, rather than cause more fear by bringing up her own assumptions and fears. (This is where checking in will help, I hope.)

Lastly, when there is an issue that is bigger than just a quick check-in, we will meet up to talk about it. If it can be covered in an email or a text, then we will do so, but if it's a larger issue, then I need to know a bit of detail, as that is where I have fear. I have a hard time not knowing a bit of detail before meeting someone to "talk." Also, we will arrange to hang out and just have a good time, too. After all, does it have to be all about process?!

So, it's day one on this, and I haven't talked to him at all. I told him that I needed a break as I needed space. I feel very untrusting of this situation and not ready for it. I told her yesterday that I am still struggling with the loss of Leo and that getting wrapped up in a couple's issues and drama is a bit much for me right now, especially over a friendship.

I don't know what the hell I am doing in this or how I got here. I don't feel at all like I want to be the guiding force behind their relationship dynamic, and I could easily become that. I have more experience in relationships, and I fear that I will either fuck up, and it will be all my fault, or that they will break up, and it will be all my fault, or that it will be quite obvious that I don't really want to hang out with them, because I am overwhelmed and not ready for more work on relationships, and it will be all my fault.

Basically, I am not over believing that everything is always all my fault. I am not over believing that with Leo and his wife. I don't think I want to get into anything with anyone, even acquaintances and people I come across, let alone people who are my friends and are becoming potentially more than that. Sigh... I took the day off to decide what to do and I still don't know.

In the last few days, I have been yelled at by people a couple of times over stuff that they either assumed was true about me, and didn't bother to check out, or blew up because I was trying to be helpful in some way. I wonder sometimes why I don't blow up more over this stuff. I do nothing but sit like a deer in the headlights and avoid in these situations.

I used to stand up for myself. Now I see no point in trying. People decide what they want to decide, regardless of what I do and say and how I am. They decide on a scale between a goddess on a pedestal to a babbling idiot that doesn't know what she is talking about. I can't think of how to budge them into realizing that I am struggling just as much with my humanity as they are, and that just like them, I change and grow and understand things differently all the time.

What makes them think that they can speak to me in the way they do? Do I have a sticker on my head that says "Its okay, yell at me. I don't deserve respectful conversation and questioning"?

I have given up on the title of dominant woman these days. I'm done with the whole BDSM thing for now. I have found it has not helped my image in the community I am in, and I don't want the title of Mistress I have bestowed on myself. For me, that is all going underground, where it is safe and cozy. I feel as if I have been places in a position of being like other doms that bark out orders to everyone, just because they can, and it's expected.

There are so many fucked-up doms out there. I don't want to be associated with them. I wonder if I would be treated more gently if I kept my D/s life to myself more. I have spent a lifetime doing my best to put myself out there, and making myself vulnerable as someone who is confident and secure in who I am, and now I seem to be taking all that back.

The funny thing is that my new friend's gf told me she noticed her bf was quick to respond when I asked him to do something she perceived was for me. He was quick to please me and he did. :D She was pleased because she saw the sub in him, or sub potential. My nature will shine through, regardless of what I do. I know that. But I am hoping that it will be softened and become more approachable in terms of negotiating space if I stop calling myself "Mistress." I don't need to claim that description. I can live it without the D/s and BDSM community. I can live poly without them too.

Fuck 'em all. *shrug*

I'm not letting the bastards get me down. :p
 
“Intimacy: An ongoing process where two or more caring people share, as freely as possible, an exchange of their thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, experiences and time, in an atmosphere of mutual acceptance, commitment, tenderness and trust.” (This may or may not involve sexual intimacy.)

Someone described intimacy this way in one of the groups I am in. I like it and intend to continue to strive for it. For some reason, it brought me hope today, so I am posting it. :) My heart is healing, little by little. :)
 
I had another great talk today with my new friend. I texted his gf ahead of time to let her know I was meeting him and she encouraged me to tell him she was really glad. This was a marked change from being angry about it before.

We went over a lot of what the gf and I talked about when we met up and I went over how we all needed support to make this friendship work for all of us. I don't think its going to be too big of a struggle from here on in, but if it is, I will be very forward with what is going on for me. If I find that patience and the pacing don't work, then I will have to consider not being friends with either of them, as I don't have a lot of energy to spend on the situation.

The discovery that I find it hard to trust, due to fear, and she finds it hard to let go of control, due to fear, and he finds it hard to let go of lying, due to fear, means that we can all work together to build something around that, rather than against it. We can support each other by reassurance, create something positive for all of us, and get rid of all the fear.

Once that was discussed, he seemed much more relaxed and sat closer to me and talked more in depth about himself than he has before. I got a chance to see what kind of potential there is for him to be a really loyal and supportive friend, and how I can support him. I left feeling very content and fulfilled that I am amongst friends that understand me and want what I want: more intimacy, as I talked about in my last post. :)

When we parted, he held on to me tightly for a good long time. He was shaking. We breathed together. It reminded me of one of my autism clients who requires hard and long hugs in order to ground and release his energy until he is calm. I let the moment go where it was meant to, and it ended with him holding my shoulders firmly and giving me a quick and thankful kiss. It was a loving moment of gratitude. I was left feeling humbled and blessed to have experienced such a moment.
 
...the discovery that I find it hard to trust, due to fear, she finds it hard to let go of control, due to fear and he finds it hard to let go of lying, due to fear, means that we can all work together to build something around that, rather than against it, support each other by reassurance and create something positive for all of us. Getting rid of all fear.
Ahh, darlin,' be careful of having that as a goal. Sometimes fears never go away, especially if they are rooted in our long-ago past, where we figured out our strategies for living. You could spend the rest of your days trying to get rid of fears. I've learned (and continue to learn) that it's more valuable to acknowledge and face our fears, and take action in spite of them. Have you ever read the book, Feel the Fear But Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers? You may want to check it out; it was recently revised.
 
Ahh, darlin,' be careful of having that as a goal. Sometimes fears never go away, especially if they are rooted in our long-ago past, where we figured out our strategies for living. You could spend the rest of your days trying to get rid of fears. I've learned (and continue to learn) that it's more valuable to acknowledge and face our fears, and take action in spite of them. Have you ever read the book, Feel the Fear But Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers? You may want to check it out; it was recently revised.
That book is like a bible around our house. Maybe I didn't say what I meant coherently. What we intend to do is feel the fear and do it anyway. Perhaps the fear will dissipate. I have known it to. But you're right, sometimes it never goes away.

I am keeping my head up, though. Baby, baby, baby steps. Will the other shoe drop? Will I actually find that this "friendship" is worth something more? Those NRE days of getting to know someone are so deceptive. I wonder how he will feel when he sees what I am really like, when the rose-coloured glasses come off. My heart is prepared for the worst and kind of laughing it all off. I hope that isn't mean, somehow.
 
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