New to a non monotonous relationship...

Newbie33

New member
Whoops...monogamous. Not monotonous. Lol ugh what a mess I am this morning...I am in a monogamous relationship with a man but I am bisexual so we will occasionally bring in a female partner to have fun with us in the bedroom. Last night was only the second partner we've shared. The first occasion I experienced a brief moment of jealousy during the act where i felt like he was focusing more on her. But the feeling passed and after the experience I had no bad feelings about it. This time there were no feelings of jealousy until the end of the experience and they're still lingering today. Feelings of not being exciting enough just being me. I really do enjoy the excitement and extra energy of another person, but I am struggling with insecurities and jealousy. I was hoping to get some feedback from people on this site of how to deal with those emotions.
 
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I'm sorry you struggle.

To me if you are sharing sex with other people, this is not a monogamous relationship. It's an Open relationship

You said you are bisexual. You did not say you are into group sex.

I wonder why you are doing threesomes with your BF? Esp when witnessing group sex causes you jealous upset?

Rather than simply dating other same sex people outside the marriage?

Some people do not enjoy watching or doing group sex because it leads to feeling ugh. So to solve the ugh feelings, they stop participating in that and just don't do it. It's not a requirement for Open Relationships.

Galagirl

PS thanks for the correction. I changed it to "open relationship."
 
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We arent married. Hes my boyfriend. And the actual act is enjoyable. I enjoy watching him pleasure another woman. I am not capable emotionally of an open relationship where he has another partner outside of our relationship. I don't wish to cease having mutual experiences with another person. I only wish to evolve and better understand how to let go of some of my insecurities and jealousy to get full enjoyment from it. I would possibly even want to have a poly relationship. The idea appeals to me...
 
I don't wish to cease having mutual experiences with another person. I only wish to evolve and better understand how to let go of some of my insecurities and jealousy to get full enjoyment from it.
I like that you're taking responsibility for your own feelings. There's no one answer, no quick fix. You basically have to embark on a journey of self-discovery and self-improvement. Do a tag search on the forum, I'm sure you'll get plenty of advice, and also you'll find a collection of links somewhere that one of our members shares from time to time (edit: here are the links http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=400574&postcount=20).

The one thing you could do today is talk to your partner very honestly about where you stand, and perhaps ask for some time/activity to reconnect today. It's a good habit to develop, to be open with your partner about what's happening.
A second good habit to develop is journaling. Writing stuff down can help with introspection a lot.
I would possibly even want to have a poly relationship. The idea appeals to me...
I assume for you "poly" here means a closed triad. If you read up on polyamory, you will find out that a) this is not how we use the term, and b) a close triad is not impossible, but not common and not easy.
https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/
 
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I appreciate the feedback and links! Sorry for using the incorrect terminology...like my name states I'm a newbie to all of this. I'll learn I promise...lol
 
I see after reading the link about closed triad relationships where that Would be a hard one to maintain. Especially since I don't know as I will ever be comfortable being open about my sexuality with how conservative my family is...but for now all we really want is someone who wants to add us to their usual life. They would be allowed to do whatever they want. See othrr people, fit us into their life when it works for them. As frequently or infrequently as they'd like. And if they meet someone and choose to end the activities with us that's perfectly alright. If someone chooses to do that, if they enjoy seeing us on occasion for fun...is there anything wrong with that?
 
for now all we really want is someone who wants to add us to their usual life. They would be allowed to do whatever they want. See othrr people, fit us into their life when it works for them. As frequently or infrequently as they'd like. And if they meet someone and choose to end the activities with us that's perfectly alright. If someone chooses to do that, if they enjoy seeing us on occasion for fun...is there anything wrong with that?

No, nothing wrong with that if they choose to do that and you are all on the same page.

You sound like you want a sex play partner more than anything else. At the same time, not everyone is up for that. That cuts down your potentials right there.

Then they have to be compatible with BOTH of you rather than just one or the other. That cuts the pool down too.

You don't want to be "out" -- if they do, then that might cause concerns. That cuts down the pool again.

What if it starts out seeing both of you for sex play, and they like one of you better and break up with the other one. Are you prepared for that?

Or if it becomes "more serious" with one and they want a romantic relationship with them but not the other. Then what?

And if they meet someone and choose to end the activities with us that's perfectly alright.

This seems to assume "original configuration." Where they leave, and you and partner remain coupled like it was originally. What if it ends another way? They are coupled and you are out? You are coupled with the new person and your previous partner is out? Or everyone ends up single?

Those are situations that could provoke jealousy.

Be sure you are thinking this all the way out and you go in with eyes wide open.

Galagirl
 
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I think there are (a lot of?) people willing to play with a couple a few times and stay safely within the confines of 'it's just fun'. No problem with that, if that's what they want to. I think as long as it's playing once in a while, mostly you won't run into big problems.

For some people intimacy leads to attachment pretty much immediately, so you all should have an idea how you want to handle emerging feelings. If you think love is ok with your new person, you're on the right board. If you want to avoid that, you might get better advice from swingers. Not that we have a problem with it, many people here are doing casual sex, it's just that often people identifying with polyAMORY are there for the feelings and intimacy. There's no sharp division though.

Anyway, you came asking about jealousy - do you want to be more specific? Like, what behavior were you jealous about? Do you know what the underlying fear is?
 
My issue is that I have always been insecure. Feeling Not as pretty as other girls. Feeling like I'm too fat, my boobs are too small, my stomach isn't perfectly flat...even though I've been told frequently I'm very attractive, I have to force myself to try to really believe that...I compare too much. So obviously I notice if the other woman's boobs are bigger or her waist is smaller...etc. Then there's the feeling that he gets so excited about someone else...I'm not that exciting anymore. Which obviously someone new will be more exciting. Just like she is for me. Or like another man would be. She was the one he was engaging with when he got off. So then jealous thoughts creep in...but didn't I also get off from interacting with her? So why shouldn't he be allowed to? I'm also a massive overthinker. I over think eeeeeverything...I know he loves me. And I love him. And I think it's so exciting experiencing someone new. So i don't want to quit having these experiences. I just want to know what I can do to put the hurt feelings aside and quit thinking myself into a state of feeling upset
 
Hello Newbie33,

It sounds like you do want to continue having threesomes, you just want to stop feeling jealous/insecure during those threesomes, so that you can relax and enjoy what's going on. The main thing to do, when you're feeling jealous, is to figure out what's causing the jealous feeling, where it is coming from. First of all, are you being treated badly? Sometimes jealousy is a warning light that you are being treated badly, in which case you should address that. If you're not being treated badly, then the jealousy has some other source and you need to figure out what that is. Is it your conditioning? something in your past? fear that you're going to lose something or someone (i.e. your partner)? Do you have a need that isn't being met? Once you determine the cause of your jealousy, you can then go to work on that cause.

If you want to bring in someone as a regular casual sex partner, that is perfectly okay. Just make sure everyone is on the same page, and knows what can be expected. Does that make sense?

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I replied to the previous, but for some reason it still is not posting... I am not treated badly at all. He does not exclude me and he is very affectionate after. Lots of cuddling and kisses. It all stems from my own insecurities about my appearance. No matter how many times I am told I am beautiful I have a hard time letting myself believe that that is accurate.
 
Ah, that explains some things. Keep digging, is there something that stops you from believing compliments about your beauty? It seems there is a deeper insecurity at play here. Something from your past perhaps?

As for your reply that is not yet posting, sometimes that happens when you're a newcomer because your posts have to be moderated before they can show. They have to do that because of all the spammers, unfortunately. All of your posts should still appear eventually though.
 
Not overly sure but I was the heaviest of my friends as a child. I wasn't the one the boys chased typically. Little comments were made here and there from peers and even one by a teacher once about my size. I wasnt fat. I Just wasnt a zero like my friends. Literally. My best girl friends wore a zero... And ever since then I've been very unhappy with my appearance. Always nitpicking. I'm better about it now than i used to be but I still always compare myself to other women. And I know this is selfish but i find myself "swiping left" in life on women I find attractive if I feel they are more attractive than myself because I know I'm going to feel ugly if we all get together to play...
 
That's rough. When you can't see yourself as beautiful. That sucks that people made comments here and there when you were young. Those comments really stick to us, they can have a permanent effect. When you see yourself as not attractive, you can think, "Hmmm. Here comes that old script from back in my childhood. Interesting." Not that you'd beat yourself up about it, just that you'd become aware of the fact that an old script was once again dictating your perceptions of things. A therapist might be able to help you compose a new script to replace the old one. I don't know if seeing a therapist might be a possibility for you? Regardless, we will try to help you here on this forum.
 
No matter how many times I am told I am beautiful I have a hard time letting myself believe that that is accurate.

Well, what do you need to give yourself permission to believe that you are attractive and make peace with yourself?

I'm better about it now than i used to be but I still always compare myself to other women. And I know this is selfish but i find myself "swiping left" in life on women I find attractive if I feel they are more attractive than myself because I know I'm going to feel ugly if we all get together to play...

That's like circle thinking to me.

You shut it down before it happens because you don't want to feel ugly. But the reason you shut it down to begin with is because you already feel too ugly for it to even have a chance. So it's not like "feeling ugly" got avoided.

What ends up happening is you basically called yourself ugly twice. And are doing self limiting behaviors or behaviors that enforce the idea "I am too ugly to play with these people."

Is that it? :confused:

Have you considered counseling for healing the body image stuff? If you wish to stop overthinking, nitpicking, break out of the circle/rut thing etc? If this has been going on since your school days maybe it's time to address is with some help?

Galagirl
 
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I actually have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. Someone I use to see when I was struggling having to live with my emotionally abusive ex husband. I will definitely talk to her about wanting to overcome my body image issues.
 
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