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  #21  
Old 03-17-2018, 04:22 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Originally Posted by SomeDudeLearning View Post
No, the opposite, I'm told that no-one else out there is as considerate (aware, maybe even) of sexual needs or as good at doing something about them. Far, far from any physiological deficiency either. And I want tons more quantity than she did these days.
So what was her reasoning for insisting on an open relationship although she was the one with the lower sex-drive? Variety? I must admit it's rather suspicious.

Btw., the new information you reveal makes it much clearer. So this was really one-sided, not that much open out of a mutual wish.

It's not kind to fuck your mutual friends even if that makes you feel inadequate.
It's not good polyamory to go have multiple sex partners without a real consent of your spouse.

It's also pretty clear why you couldn't find sex partners if what you really wanted is monogamy and only looked for women to "keep score". That kind of mindset is not attractive at all. Also, I've found it impossible to date when I did not really want to.
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  #22  
Old 03-17-2018, 09:09 PM
SomeDudeLearning SomeDudeLearning is offline
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Originally Posted by Tinwen View Post
So what was her reasoning for insisting on an open relationship although she was the one with the lower sex-drive? Variety? I must admit it's rather suspicious.

Btw., the new information you reveal makes it much clearer. So this was really one-sided, not that much open out of a mutual wish.

It's not kind to fuck your mutual friends even if that makes you feel inadequate.
It's not good polyamory to go have multiple sex partners without a real consent of your spouse.

It's also pretty clear why you couldn't find sex partners if what you really wanted is monogamy and only looked for women to "keep score". That kind of mindset is not attractive at all. Also, I've found it impossible to date when I did not really want to.
The reasoning was new and different and exciting I guess. And silver-platter grade easy access to good times just for showing up.
And I wanted something more than an even score, I just didn't want to be forever stuck on the bench. After a while it feels like the penalty box. I wanted to experience at least a little of what I was witnessing, and this hit right at 35 after six years with kids.
I get the unattractive thing. On so many levels, that's part of why I could not use sales techniques to promote myself. You've got to be proud of the product, and presenting myself as physical instead of a nerd is really foreign and maybe a bit offensive to myself.
Being offensive, can't call it a life goal or feel proud of seeking it.
And having long ago logically recognised all those feelings does not make it any different. The draw is still there, even though it offends me to have that be part of myself.
I really wanted to hang out with women who wanted nothing but a mutually enjoyable experience, whatever that happened to be. I was open to suggestions and sex is more like the grand prize, just getting to play the game is fun in itself.
While I'd be satisfied with monogamy in a relationship I wanted to keep going, I'd certainly not get into anything like that now. I didn't want it then either, but the only poly like thing manifesting in my environment hasn't been my personal experience except testing my abilities for compersion.
Bleh. I gave way more than I should have due to trying to keep things together with kids, then being stubborn, and the whole time my greed at wanting all the fun looking experiences dangling just out of reach but in plain sight kept me wanting to try to get the situation where I'd have company and maybe even fun too while my lady was out.
Right now for me monogamy would be silly as poly. If any women actually want to hang out and get to know each other, great. If not, it's not like I'll be devastated by the change in circumstances or anything like that.

Last edited by SomeDudeLearning; 03-18-2018 at 05:02 AM.
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  #23  
Old 03-18-2018, 12:10 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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It sounds like you're leaning towards celibacy. Would that be accurate?
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  #24  
Old 03-18-2018, 02:13 AM
SomeDudeLearning SomeDudeLearning is offline
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It sounds like you're leaning towards celibacy. Would that be accurate?
It's not that I lean that way... Statistically for me since puberty, /reality/ leans that way.
So realistically, outside long term relationships, I can't expect a lot of "play" opportunities. Random chance hasn't stricken often and I'm already quite aware of the difficulties in whistling up any state other than celibacy.
One of the reasons I specified unable to dance is that observation said a lot of people get touch that way. Quite a bit of it potentially. Clothes or not, it's still touch, and would help fill the physical interface void.
I feel I'm just being realistic. Unreasonably optimistic would be thinking that somehow /this/ specific period of being single for some reason would be different.
Quick edit: for some of us, celibacy is not a choice like monks make for themselves. It's just part of life that tends to be unavoidable.

Last edited by SomeDudeLearning; 03-18-2018 at 01:12 PM.
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  #25  
Old 03-18-2018, 02:03 PM
dragonette dragonette is offline
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I feel some of your pain...I, too, have mostly introvert hobbies and have trouble making new connections. Am currently single, after ending a poly relationship that was hurting my self-esteem, and don't expect to meet anyone new for a while.

My only advice is, keep trying new hobbies, even if they are solo hobbies. Mine right now is cooking, which for me is a solo hobby because a) I get stressed out cooking for friends, b) my place is too small for good hostessing of parties, and c) many of my friends have a lot of dietary restrictions that make cooking for them extra stressful. But it keeps me busy and mentally and emotionally engaged, so I don't feel lonely or bored. And the feeling of mastery I get when something works out gives me a big emotional boost. I've also been working out more, trying new things and new workout locations.

I also probably have what psychologists would call dysthemia, or low-level, long-lasting depression. It disappears when I'm in NRE (which can come not only from a new romantic relationship, but also an exciting new job or new friend that I am excited about spending time with). It sucks to feel like my mood is out of my control in that way, but it mostly seems to be.

That said, there are a lot of things you can do for depression that don't involve seeing a doctor. Getting aerobic exercise, if you don't already. Getting out into nature when the weather warms up. Keeping a gratitude journal on a daily basis. Doing written exercises to address the tendency to put yourself down. (David Burns has several great books you can use.) I personally have found most therapy to be at best slightly helpful, but these techniques do help somewhat when I manage to do them consistently. SSRIs have been a mixed bag for me, but they're worth a try if you haven't tried them.

You don't post your age but I gather that you, like me, are past the age where there are lots of single people floating around looking for a relationship. Even poly people can be "polysaturated" and not looking. So it might be a while before you meet someone. But I believe that the more you do to try to figure out what makes you happy that is within your control, the better prepared you will be to be happy with someone else, when that person comes along.
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  #26  
Old 03-18-2018, 04:57 PM
SomeDudeLearning SomeDudeLearning is offline
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Originally Posted by dragonette View Post
I feel some of your pain...I, too, have mostly introvert hobbies and have trouble making new connections. Am currently single, after ending a poly relationship that was hurting my self-esteem, and don't expect to meet anyone new for a while.

My only advice is, keep trying new hobbies, even if they are solo hobbies. Mine right now is cooking, which for me is a solo hobby because a) I get stressed out cooking for friends, b) my place is too small for good hostessing of parties, and c) many of my friends have a lot of dietary restrictions that make cooking for them extra stressful. But it keeps me busy and mentally and emotionally engaged, so I don't feel lonely or bored. And the feeling of mastery I get when something works out gives me a big emotional boost. I've also been working out more, trying new things and new workout locations.

I also probably have what psychologists would call dysthemia, or low-level, long-lasting depression. It disappears when I'm in NRE (which can come not only from a new romantic relationship, but also an exciting new job or new friend that I am excited about spending time with). It sucks to feel like my mood is out of my control in that way, but it mostly seems to be.

That said, there are a lot of things you can do for depression that don't involve seeing a doctor. Getting aerobic exercise, if you don't already. Getting out into nature when the weather warms up. Keeping a gratitude journal on a daily basis. Doing written exercises to address the tendency to put yourself down. (David Burns has several great books you can use.) I personally have found most therapy to be at best slightly helpful, but these techniques do help somewhat when I manage to do them consistently. SSRIs have been a mixed bag for me, but they're worth a try if you haven't tried them.

You don't post your age but I gather that you, like me, are past the age where there are lots of single people floating around looking for a relationship. Even poly people can be "polysaturated" and not looking. So it might be a while before you meet someone. But I believe that the more you do to try to figure out what makes you happy that is within your control, the better prepared you will be to be happy with someone else, when that person comes along.
If this forum was like Facebook I'd hit the silly heart emoticon for that post.
With my stress over "finding a solution" for a seemingly insolvable problem out of the way, I'll have enough brainpower after mourning to go back to my primary hobby of smartphone operating system building and manipulation... It's got it's little victories like the food cooking, does ROM cooking.
I can catch up on cooking food for me as well, it's the only good way to get decent quality and quantity. Perhaps I'll do household improvements as its to better things in my environment that I actually do have control over.
I can be satisfied with environment and hobbies, but even as a kid, haven't really found anything I'd classify as exciting. Except that silly physical interface thing. My normal mood baseline is right around neutral. Some people's really spike up and down, but mine usually sits right around zero without external stimulation. Not bad, not good, people can't use that argument about frowning using more muscles than smiling, because neutral is resting bitch face instead. With everything "normal" in the world, I'm neither happy nor sad. Good things happen, makes me happy. Bad things happen, makes me sad. Expecting good things, ability has faded over the years. Expecting bad things, builds stress and aggravation, reducing my baseline into the negative, waiting a larger good event to pull me back to positive. Big good thing, it's hard to bring me down. It's all relative and arbitrary based on what the multiverse wants to bring me.
I find my mood is difficult to affect from inside except for trying to distract myself from it. Outside events are what triggers the happy and sad feelings, and especially excitement.
I'm 45 now, I only look it from the salt and pepper facial hair though. I can still knock a little off by shaving. Before kids... I did not show my age as much. Normally, including now, it doesn't really matter, and age is just the clock ticking until I don't have to maintain the machine anymore. Ugh, it's only halfway used up, and I've got all the angst and unhappiness to process about dealing with people before I can pretend to be a right-and-proper social animal again to get that social and physical contact the books say is so important. Experience says lacking those things is far from deadly but really unpleasant.

Last edited by SomeDudeLearning; 03-18-2018 at 05:03 PM.
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