What to say to people who assume poly = group sex?

MeeraReed

Well-known member
This is kind of a non-problem, yet it's coming up in my life a lot lately as I am trying to be more open with friends/family about my dating life and to identify as poly.

The issue is, when I say "polyamory" people hear "group sex." To be truthful, that's what I myself assumed polyamorous meant when I first heard the word, several years ago.

Actually, I think the problem is the word itself. Yes, "amorous" does mean "loving," but usually we only use the word "amorous" as a comical euphemism for sexual/horny. Plus, the root "amor" really refers to explicitly sexual love.

(Also, the word "polyamory" has always sounded silly and awkward to me with its odd mishmash of Greek and Latin roots. But that's really a totally different gripe, only suitable for a linguistics conference.)

Anyway...there was a post on another thread today wherein a mono person mentioned that when she describes her partner's poly relationships, people are like, "Oh, you all get it on together, then." I guess this is just because everyone has heard of threesomes, but not everyone knows that people can date more than one person separately??? People know what swinging is, but can't envision just normal dating of more than one person?

Or is it that people can't imagine that you could be okay with your partner seeing other people--unless you were having sex with them too?

One of my personal experiences with this: For the last year, I have been trying to explain my dating life to my supportive but somewhat clueless mother. She and I used to be close, but it feels awkward when I try to talk to her about my dating life or my guy (whom she has met and likes). Only recently did I figure out that she was making all sorts of odd assumptions, namely that what I'm doing must be group sex/threesomes with my guy & his other women. Which is a pretty odd assumption, given that I have never been bi or into women! I guess I wasn't explaining it right.

(Also, if I was having group sex & threesomes, that wouldn't really be anything I need to share with my mother! I was trying to share my approach to relationships with her and to discuss my relationship style. She has met my guy several times, I expect him to be in my life for a while, and I had wanted to be honest with my mom about our open relationship....oh well. Guess I don't need to overshare anymore!)
 
I generally don't say we are poly or open or whatever.
I just explain that I have a bf and a dh. Yes we live together, we have our own rooms and no they aren't bi.
But people always ask questions about what they don't understand. I just try to describe our dynamic clearly.
 
Yep, that was me. I got one "EEEEW, so you all have sex?" and a small handful of, "Oh, so you all (ahem ahem)...?" (as in "get together")

The last time I mentioned it to friends, I used the "open" term and then explained it was more like two committed relationships than casual ones. That seemed to work, and the friends who met and liked him, seemed to talk just as highly of him afterward (after being faux-annoyed with me for not telling them about the relationship structure itself for a while). I think I'll be going with this approach in the future. "Poly" seems to be a loaded word.
 
I generally don't say we are poly or open or whatever.
I just explain that I have a bf and a dh.

But people always ask questions about what they don't understand. I just try to describe our dynamic clearly.

I used the "open" term
"Poly" seems to be a loaded word.

Me too, but I do use "open relationship". I'm not sure if it's just where I live and who I talk to, but this seems to get the message across effectively. I think that's because it uses terminology that is familiar to most people, even if the concept can be somewhat disconcerting for them. However, I am not aware of anyone I've spoken with about my own experiences who perceives it as "group sex".

Unlike those who are worried about being "judged" and alienated by their family/friends/communities, my experience has been that people simply are curious and want to ask me lots of questions, which i don't mind answering. Of course, I remind them that I don't speak for a group, I speak only for myself.
 
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I haven't met with judgment either. Just confusion and curiosity.
I rarely tell people any identifier.

Example:
Meet someone, start talking, family comes up (happens a lot in class at beginning of semesters). I say "I live in the valley with my husband, boyfriend and our kids"
Usually they ask some form of "you have a husband and a bf?!?!"
I say yes.
They ask some form of "how do THEY feel about it?"
I respond with a shrug, it was complicated to begin with, jealousy, insecurity, fear. But, I love them both and we have kids-so we were all motivated to figure out how to make it work.
Sometimes they get the nerve to inquire about our sleeping arrangements. I explain the guys are both straight, we all have our own rooms.
 
I get: "So where's S?"

Me: "On a date."

"Really? Again? Same person?"

Me: "Um, ya, it's their anniversary."

"Oh. Ok. But what about you? Why aren't you with your other partner now?"

:rolleyes:
 
I've gotten that one too, but differently... The friends who see me as a victim have said in the past that it'd be better if I had someone else too, so I wouldn't be alone when my partner isn't around.

Sigh.

I got cats instead.
 
"What to say to people who assume poly = group sex?"

Um, this might work: "No, it's not." ;)

Seriously, though - I rarely use the terms polyamorous or non-monogamous. I just say that "we're not exclusive." Talking about exclusivity, or not being exclusive sounds more like it's about dating rather than fucking, I think.
 
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I think the media representations of polyamory contribute to this misconception. This article about "polynormativity" is spot on (if it's too long for you, jump to the fourth point: "Polyamory is heterosexual(-ish). Also, cute and young and white. Also new and exciting and sexy!"). Also, the media seems to be especially interested in the group marriage kind of polyamory (even though it's not the most common arrangement), so that combined with the emphasis on sex leads to the common assumption poly = group sex.
 
"Alternative" popular culture feels so validated by attention from mainstream media. It's like "we were rejected so we rejected THEM BACK and now they want to interview US for their reality TV show, OMG we WON, we have been approached, approved, syndicated, and accepted. We sure showed that big, bad establishment. Now THEY are US."
 
Just say "yeah, wanna join in?" and wiggle your eyebrows. Works best on first degree relatives.
 
I think the media representations of polyamory contribute to this misconception. This article about "polynormativity" is spot on (if it's too long for you, jump to the fourth point: "Polyamory is heterosexual(-ish). Also, cute and young and white. Also new and exciting and sexy!"). Also, the media seems to be especially interested in the group marriage kind of polyamory (even though it's not the most common arrangement), so that combined with the emphasis on sex leads to the common assumption poly = group sex.

That's a great article. I love articles that make you think. I seem to have ended up unwittingly in this poly model, but not by choice. I just happen to have met my husband and got married before I realised I was poly. I'm very glad I read this article. Hopefully I can avoid the pitfalls.

I actually got approached via private message by someone from the British Press Association, about an article on poly lifestyle. They specifically wished to speak to couples, surprise surprise! I didn't respond because I don't wish to speak to the media about my life. Now I'm doubly glad I didn't, as they clearly have a polynormative model in mind.

Kim xxx.
 
For starters, stop telling stupid people that you're poly. :D I don't tell anyone about my "lifestyle" unless I know they'll understand it or that they love me & accept me for who I am. So perhaps you're telling the wrong people or perhaps you need to read some definitions of poly so you can come up with a concise & meaningful explanation that explains it. To me poly is about loving more than one person at a time, it's as simple as that. And yes, sex is often involved but that's not all of it by a long shot. Also keep in mind that poly takes many forms. Also keep in mind that most people are average or less than average, which means that have limited intelligence & experiences to help them understand such things. If you think they're smart enough have them read Sex at Dawn or something on being poly. Monogamy has been so ingrained in us even with the glaringly apparent divorce & infidelity rates.

People often boil everything down to sex. I notice this with homosexuality debates. Even the most sexual people aren't having sex all that much if you think in terms of a 24 hour day. We do many other things in those 24 hours, many things other than sex & yet everyone is focused on the "yucky" gay sex part. They don't think of the many long-lasting & loving relationships of many gay individuals & just focus on the sex....totally predictable & totally lame.

So STOP telling dumb people you're poly or be prepared for stupid comments & come up with a good comeback...London had a great one ;-)
 
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For starters, stop telling stupid people that you're poly. :D I don't tell anyone about my "lifestyle" unless I know they'll understand it or that they love me & accept me for who I am. So perhaps you're telling the wrong people or perhaps you need to read some definitions of poly so you can come up with a concise & meaningful explanation that explains it. To me poly is about loving more than one person at a time, it's as simple as that. And yes, sex is often involved but that's not all of it by a long shot. Also keep in mind that poly takes many forms. Also keep in mind that most people are average or less than average, which means that have limited intelligence & experiences to help them understand such things. If you think they're smart enough have them read Sex at Dawn or something on being poly. Monogamy has been so ingrained in us even with the glaringly apparent divorce & infidelity rates.

People often boil everything down to sex. I notice this with homosexuality debates. Even the most sexual people aren't having sex all that much if you think in terms of a 24 hour day. We do many other things in those 24 hours, many things other than sex & yet everyone is focused on the "yucky" gay sex part. They don't think of the many long-lasting & loving relationships of many gay individuals & just focus on the sex....totally predictable & totally lame.

So STOP telling dumb people you're poly or be prepared for stupid comments & come up with a good comeback...London had a great one ;-)

Well no, this doesn't really apply to my situation. My mom's not dumb, my friends aren't dumb. They are all super smart and open-minded. And they all do love me and accept me--they just did not at all understand what I meant.

A snappy comeback or even a simple "No it's not group sex" would have been nice...except it was weeks/months before I realized that they had made the assumption about group sex. It came about WAY after the fact of the conversations in which I was trying to explain my new approach to dating and how I am using the label "poly."

I think other posters are right in that "poly" and "polyamory" just don't work as labels to explain poly to non-poly folks. Hell, it took me about two years of reading on this forum just to accept that yes, that label could in fact work for me. So I get that it's not a readily understandable term. Just "non-exclusive dating" might work just fine for what I want to explain to my friends and family. I'll try that. Thanks.
 
I think other posters are right in that "poly" and "polyamory" just don't work as labels to explain poly to non-poly folks. Hell, it took me about two years of reading on this forum just to accept that yes, that label could in fact work for me. So I get that it's not a readily understandable term. Just "non-exclusive dating" might work just fine for what I want to explain to my friends and family. I'll try that. Thanks.

Also, as with any other idea people are attached to, poly seems to come with a whole host of assumptions even from other poly folks. I only qualify as poly by using the very strictest of definitions. Once all of the other garbage gets piled onto it by personal preference I find myself backing away saying "Yah, that's not me at all, have fun with that"

I've never encountered someone who had a previous understanding of what polyamory was. The very few people I've talked to about it just gave me a blank look. I live in Texas though, and we like to keep 'knowledge' as far away from us as possible.

There was a thread recently from a partner who was pissed because her partner had identified himself as "single" to someone. To the monogamous world I meet many more qualifications for "single" than I do any of the definitions they understand. Maybe in the future I'll put it similar to "I have a girlfriend, but not in the way most people mean it" and then follow up their questions with "It's not a traditional relationship"
 
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