Im new - my gf wants open relationship, i need help

corey

New member
I would appreciate private messages to have conversation about this, hopefully someone has similar experience since i know this is intro forum.

I have with my girlfriend for 1-1/2 years now. This has been a monogamous relationship. She moved in with me after about 6 months (yes fast). We are both students but I have money saved to handle my rent until I finish school. However, she does not - partially why she moved in I think.

Friday night she sprung onto me that she wants / believes in open relationships and wants an open relationship. Her definition of open relationship:

I am the one she loves and wants to be with, live with and we can both see other people (not like a regular relationship) she describes it as friends that hang out with and have casual sex. At the same time she doesnt want me to know the person(s) but says it would be the same person for a while just because it takes time to find someone who wants casual setting like this, but she also admits she doesnt tell him she is in a relationship either.

I could use some help dealing with this, I truly love this girl, and perhaps my emotions are making this out to be more than it is, or maybe I am being used.
I saw others mention possible support in different areas, and I am open - I live in Spokane, WA
 
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Sorry, but this does sound like you are being used. She moves in with you after 6 months because she doesn't have financial resources? (I can't really ding anyone for moving in too quickly - I practically moved in with MrS the day we started sleeping with him and Dude moved in just as quickly).

The fact that she is not willing to tell her casual fuck-buddy(FB)/friend with benefits(FWB) about her other relationship is a big "red flag" for me. If she is willing to lie to him, what makes you think she is being honest with you? Some people are not willing to let their metamours meet but a ground-rule of "ethical nonmonogamy" (be it open/swinging/poly/some combination) is honesty - everyone should at least know of everyone else so that they can make informed decisions (regarding emotional involvement, safer sex, etc.).

Just my 2 cents.

JaneQ

(will PM you this same message)
 
Hi corey,
Welcome to our forum.

Sounds like a tough situation you're dealing with; I agree with Jane Q that any partners involved should at least be aware of each other. Your girlfriend may have some unrealistic expectations about how this can work.

Anyway, I hope you're able to figure things out. Generous communication is always a good idea.

With respects/regards,
Kevin T.
 
She is very much against the feeling of being "controlled" I need a really good strategy to figure out how to ask for that.

When you meet the person, what is that interaction suppose to be? I mean I dont think i want to hang out with them or get personal with them but making sure he knows Im here and she is in relationship and I know who he is would be helpful to me.

She will feel as though this is being to "snoopy" or controlling
 
It's her decision, of course. (All you can decide, ultimately, is what you can live with and what would be a dealbreaker to you.) In general, though, it just would be a wise thing for her to do to at least tell her "other dates" that you're in the equation. Otherwise, it's not honest, and that's not ethical, plus it can lead to some really bad drama somewhere down the road.

There's all kinds of "shades of poly;" it's not always done in a certain way. But 100% honesty (with all parties involved) is usually considered a must. In your case, I think maybe you're wanting to meet whoever she's dating in person, which is actually a pretty good idea and advisable in most cases. That way, everyone has direct confirmation that "the other person is okay with what's going on."

All's I can think of to tell you is to try to engage her at a time when you and she are both relaxed and able to discuss things calmly. Try to avoid lines of conversation that try to establish "who's wrong or right;" instead just tell her that you'd really like to meet the people she's dating, and is there some compromise you could come to, or some way to make that work. Tell her you don't mean to snoop or control, that this is just something that would make the arrangement easier for you. Try to give her ample chance to express her feelings, and show her that you are listening to her and hearing her.

Beyond that, I think it's kind of up to her to be agreeable toward you, and at least try to come to some kind of a compromise. It's not like you can just "cause her to be agreeable;" she has to make her own choice about that.

But yes, I would advise being open with all involved parties about what's going on. If she doesn't tell her dates about you, it's almost like she's cheating on her dates. Not that I'd *say* it to her like that, but. Maybe she doesn't realize what she's asking? I'm a huge proponent of freedom, but responsible behavior is still important as well.

Anyway, sit down with her for a heart-to-heart about these things as soon as you can.
 
It's her decision, of course. (All you can decide, ultimately, is what you can live with and what would be a dealbreaker to you.) In general, though, it just would be a wise thing for her to do to at least tell her "other dates" that you're in the equation. Otherwise, it's not honest, and that's not ethical, plus it can lead to some really bad drama somewhere down the road.
....
Anyway, sit down with her for a heart-to-heart about these things as soon as you can.

Again, appreciate the info. We only had the one conversation so far and it was somewhat lengthy. I explained to her what I need right now is "honesty, trust, patience, and openness". By patience I explained that there might be repetitive conversation at first about things.

She feels as though it is better for me not to know details the "dont ask dont tell" policy because it would only hurt me, but she is making that decision for me and Im trying to let her know that she should let me decide. In all honesty I feel more and more closer to her the more she shares (good or bad) because i really get to know her on the inside and know more about her than anyone else.

However, when I try to talk about it more she gets annoyed (im understanding her perspective) but thats why i explained that she needs to be patient and she might be repeating a conversation at time so things are really clear.

She is a really strong independent person she is not typical girl. If you read this article about 25 sweet romantic gestures for everyday life, i can guarantee most of them would annoy the hell out of her http://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/sweet-love/sweet-romantic-gestures-for-everyday-life

This makes it so much harder because our roles are somewhat reversed and im the soft caring "nice guy finishes last" kinda guy that feels with emotions which makes the open relationship so difficult for me. And she knows this.
 
Invite her to join here and take part in your discussion threads.

I would love that, but if you knew her you would know that would NEVER happen.

She doesnt want me to talk to anyone else about this. She doesnt want anyone else to know about this thing "open relationship" she feels embarrassed about it (so she says) and she admits that its not normal and describes it as being like a "sickness" or something.

Most of all though she also says that by me talking with others about it I am not showing a "sense of self" or that I have my own identity. She would kill me if she saw all these messages. Im just trying to keep calm about it all.
 
Most of all though she also says that by me talking with others about it I am not showing a "sense of self" or that I have my own identity. She would kill me if she saw all these messages. Im just trying to keep calm about it all.

The more I read your threads the more I wonder why you are with this woman. I mean,really. She cheated on you, contributes nothing to living expenses, won't talk to you about something VERY new that completely changes your relationship, criticizes you for researching, and balks at almost every boundary/rule you request. I see no respect for you or your relationship.
 
I agree with km34 on ur current situation Corey. It sounds like ur being used for room and board. Keeping u a secret, disrespects u, won't listen....sorry man but if I were u she would be out and I'm a nice guy too but there has to be a limit. What ever u both decide to do, I hope it works out for the best.
 
I would love that, but if you knew her you would know that would NEVER happen.

She doesnt want me to talk to anyone else about this. She doesnt want anyone else to know about this thing "open relationship" she feels embarrassed about it (so she says) and she admits that its not normal and describes it as being like a "sickness" or something.

Most of all though she also says that by me talking with others about it I am not showing a "sense of self" or that I have my own identity. She would kill me if she saw all these messages. Im just trying to keep calm about it all.

I'm not much for hearts and flowers either, but ye gods, in no universe would I be upset with a partner for dealing in his own way. That's not right. You stay with her, you're in for a world of hurt. You seem to have a very strong sense of self. So does she. By themselves, those things are not wrong, but the two of you sound less and less compatible the more you talk about her.

Kick the user to the curb and find yourself a person who treats you like you're worthwhile. You shouldn't have to suffer because she needs a place to stay. I had a friend who let someone stay because he felt sorry for her and that ended very badly. It actually ended our friendship. Do your friends have opinions about this woman? Have they perhaps been hiding those opinions very carefully?
 
well you guys know the saying its easier to give advice than to take it.. i think i agree with you but i just dont know how to do it
 
Perhaps put out some kind of a feeler? such as, "I really need you to inform your dates about me. Otherwise I feel like we're not being honest." That's a pretty basic thing, so find out how she reacts to it. Maybe she will be the one to call it quits (although who knows, she maybe still needs you for the place to stay). But just make a request of her, something that you need, and find out what the response is. Decide for yourself if that's a response you can live with.

I can't tell yet if she's just a user, or if she has some unrealistic ideas about what freedom should look like. Personally, I feel that freedom comes with responsibility.
 
Perhaps put out some kind of a feeler? such as, "I really need you to inform your dates about me. Otherwise I feel like we're not being honest." That's a pretty basic thing, so find out how she reacts to it. Maybe she will be the one to call it quits (although who knows, she maybe still needs you for the place to stay). But just make a request of her, something that you need, and find out what the response is. Decide for yourself if that's a response you can live with.

I can't tell yet if she's just a user, or if she has some unrealistic ideas about what freedom should look like. Personally, I feel that freedom comes with responsibility.

I did that, her reaction was that "she makes sure its nothing more than friends" she explains that if she tells them she is in a serious relationship it would make things awkward

It sounds logical explanation but at the same time - if he knows the situation he likely not to care I wouldnt think if he is not trying to have a relationship either
 
The more I read your threads the more I wonder why you are with this woman. I mean,really. She cheated on you, contributes nothing to living expenses, won't talk to you about something VERY new that completely changes your relationship, criticizes you for researching, and balks at almost every boundary/rule you request. I see no respect for you or your relationship.

I agree with this completely.
 
I did that, her reaction was that "she makes sure its nothing more than friends" she explains that if she tells them she is in a serious relationship it would make things awkward
I am calling BS on this one.

She is using you as a free place to live, while going out and having sex with other folks without telling either you or them that she is. That's not an open relationship, that's cheating and lying.

If the other person only wants casual sex, then knowing she is in a serious relationship won't affect the casual sex status at all, would it? The only time this would cause a problem would be if the person (or her) wanted more than casual sex with the person.

Reading this and your other posts, it looks a lot like you are being had.
 
Re (from corey, Post #15):
"Re (from kdt26417, Post #14):
'Perhaps put out some kind of a feeler? such as, "I really need you to inform your dates about me. Otherwise I feel like we're not being honest."'
I did that, her reaction was that 'she makes sure it's nothing more than friends.'"

So, by that, does she mean that you're her only romantic relationship; that all her other relationships are platonic? If that's true, then I guess it's not so bad if she doesn't tell these friends about you ... a little disconcerting perhaps, but not *as* bad.

Re (from corey, Post #15):
"She explains that if she tells them she is in a serious relationship it would make things awkward."

Well, a little awkwardness seems (to me) a reasonable price to pay for being honest ...

But now the big questions:

  • What, if anything, is she willing to compromise on?
  • If she's not willing to compromise at all, can you live with that?
I get the impression she's presenting you with a "take it or leave it" situation. She's willing to explain why she does what she does (and maybe that makes it easier for you to live with it), but she's not willing to actually budge in her course or heading.

I guess my advice is, get 100% confirmation on what she is or isn't willing to budge on, hear her out on her explanations, and then ask yourself if you can live with what she's presenting to you. If you can't, you may have some tough decisions to make.

One thing that would concern me is if she wasn't willing to communicate with you about these things. These things call for communication. Even if she feels put out by communicating, I'd hope she'd grit her teeth and give it a chance. Like you said (in Post #7), you need her to be patient with repetitiveness as you have "re-hashes" of the same topics.

It concerns me that she's not okay with you getting any outside input about your situation (such as here on Polyamory.com). When someone doesn't want their partner to "talk to anyone else about it," it's often because that someone wants to control all the information.

You're not wrong to seek outside counsel. You can come to your own conclusions about which of that outside counsel you want to adopt into practice.
 
So, by that, does she mean that you're her only romantic relationship; that all her other relationships are platonic?
If by "platonic" you mean friends that she has sex with then yes. i don't use that definition :)

Well, a little awkwardness seems (to me) a reasonable price to pay for being honest ...
So she might not get laid quite as often.... boo hoo. (sorry I'm feeling very little sympathy for her right now)
 
Re: platonic ... yeah, friends with benefits I guess, not sure what she's driving at there.

I admit I'm feeling a little suspicious about this lady. Seems like she's rationalizing a bit, doesn't it?
 
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