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Old 03-15-2017, 07:34 AM
Newlypoly Newlypoly is offline
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So, I moved to San Diego and had no friends here. When my kid started school I became friends with her friends parents. One of them is a beautiful bisexual woman who is an ethically nonmonogamous relationship with her husband. My husband and I had not made it to that point of our relationship. She introduced me to the lifestyle, explained it to me and suggested I talk to my husband about it. I am very attracted to her and would like to move things to the next step. My drawback is that I am very awkward when it comes to that and don't know what to say, without being straightforward and telling her that I'd like to, and don't know if it would appropriate because our kids are friends and attend the same school and just so happen to be in the same class. I'm stuck because I would love to have more with her but am too scared and goofy to say anything without embarrassing myself. Any suggestions?
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Old 03-15-2017, 09:17 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Newlypoly,

I think you should tell this woman, "I am interested in you, if you are interested in me." Short and simple like that. But first talk to your husband about it; that will be a longer and more involved conversation. If/when he gives you the okay, take it slow with this woman. Learn all you can about polyamory along the way. And keep us posted on this forum; your updates will help us know what further advice to give you.

Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
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Old 03-18-2017, 05:36 PM
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Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
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Yes, it's a bad idea.

See, in all likelihood it's just a crush. You've got a greatly... oh, I can't think of a more PC word... a greatly overinflated respect for the woman, because she's the focus of your first exposure to a mind-blowing concept that might hugely change your life in various positive fashions.

IME, if you go out & meet a dozen more people with years of experience in stable polyamorous relationships, & evaluate them objectively, more than half will seem like better choices for you than your first crush.

People will say stuff like "oh, it's just NRE," but in this instance I'd say it's MUCH more problematic, & therefore advise that you MAKE NO LIFE-ALTERING DECISIONS WHATEVER while you're high on it.

You've probably spent most of your life being beaten about the head with halfwit Romantic notions of True Love or Destiny or Soul Mate or whatever. Meeting someone attractive, in the midst of a mind-altering paradigm shift, is highly risky. For starters, you are most probably re-imprinting -- the article ain't much but it's indicative.

I'd be a little leery of your new friend as well. If she has ANY firsthand experience in "ethical nonmonogamy," she'd know (at least intuitively) that her behavior seems a little predatory. As trendy as it may be in SD, few of us have had moments where "I'm bi" happens to be admitted to another mom, who you've known only a few months, at the PTA meeting. And if she DOESN'T have much first-hand experience, then she's overstepping, or at least overselling herself as a reliable guide. You NEED to step back, as does she, & address wtf exactly is going on here.

Start with basics. Is your impression that she wants to have sex with you... or that she wants you & your husband to have sex with her & her husband... or you to have sex with her & her husband... or you & your husband to have sex with her? Is this a "let's hang out & see if we want to maybe get around to going out on dates at some point" thing or a "pack your bags, I'm bringing a U-Haul" thing?

Last edited by Ravenscroft; 03-18-2017 at 05:53 PM.
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Old 03-19-2017, 03:58 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Newlypoly,

You posted this in the Dating & Friendships section of the forum. You'd almost certainly get more responses if it was moved to another section designed for asking questions, getting feedback, etc. (Dating & Friendship is for finding just that - it's not meant for discussion exactly. But it's not wrong to post here - just not optimum for responses.)

The moderators can move the thread if you like. Just post here that you'd like the thread moved.

That said, have you actually talked to your husband about this yet? You mentioned that you and he are not there yet. Is there a plan to become poly at some point? I get that thinking about the attractive women is way more fun to think about but if you haven't brought this up to your husband yet, start there.
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Old 03-20-2017, 09:39 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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You can have this thread moved by clicking on the red ! triangle in the upper right of your first post.

Before saying anything to this woman about being attracted to her, talk to your husband. You say you and he "aren't there yet" around poly. It can take a year of talks to get on the same poly page, longer if there are reservations or problems like jealousy and fear of change and loss. Don't mix the woman into it until you're sure your h would like to begin the poly journey with you. That's lots more important than the fact that your kids are in school together.

Also if you've been lonely in a new city, this woman may seem like a lifeline. Try to cultivate some more platonic friendships so you don't feel dependent on her for socialising.
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Old 03-29-2017, 03:23 PM
Newlypoly Newlypoly is offline
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Hi kdt26417 and ravenscroft
Sorry for the delay in my response, things have been a little crazy for me. My husband is fine with it. We have talked about it in depth and this is something we both want. She and I see each other every other week. I have seen her recently and just can't seem to tell her.
Ravenscroft, I have known her for a few years and the conversation about our internal didn't come up until recently. I can completely agree with the crush theory and I'm pretty sure she's not looking into swinging in any kind of way. We have had some pretty in-depth conversations about it and it didn't go anywhere close to us involving any partners.
To be clear my husband and i weren't poly at that point. I had to re-read my thread and if I can change that I will. I did speak to him and he is okay with it. He hasn't moved on it himself and he doesn't even know if he will, but he is okay with me moving forward.
Opalescent and magdlyn, I'm not sure where move the thread to. I am new to forums and couldn't figure out how to post in other threads that had a lot of traffic, so I posted where I could. I do have other friendships here other than her but no one that I feel as though I can really connect with.
Hopefully, this may clear some things up and make this situation a little more transparent. Thank you all for your suggestions and if you have any suggestions as to where to move this to than I will move it and see what others in the poly world think about my hangup
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Old 03-30-2017, 10:13 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Newlypoly,

Poly Relationships Corner would probably be the best board for this thread. I should say, though, it is ultimately up to the mods where the thread will go. Unless you restart the thread, but you could not move the responses along with your posts without mod help.

It sounds like your husband is okay with it if you move forward with your relationship with her. So, I suggest you do move forward with that. Something simple like, "I'm interested in you if you're interested in me," should be a good starting point.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Old 04-17-2017, 11:16 PM
Newlypoly Newlypoly is offline
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I haven't said anything to her yet, but there is definitely mutual flirting. We are going out Saturday night and I plan to say something to her. Thank you for your advice and i will let you know how it goes.
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Old 04-18-2017, 10:51 PM
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Sounds good.
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