AH so now the problems begin

whatamIdoing

New member
Talking to hubby today... he is sad. I can tell. :confused:

He says he thinks if i want a second husband that he's not enough.

I told him I would end this with Mr. DNPWWO but he said he can't ask me to do that.

and to be honest I don't wanna...

i think it's cause i'm saying things wrong. I am so new to this I may be jumping the gun...


Mr. DNPWWO is over 100 miles away. that's where he lives and works. we don't talk on the phone or even text ... we email. some days a lot some days NONE... NO Plans to meet again till January.... NO PHONE calls.... He is so not enough... he is not a replacement...

i may not survive this.
 
Is your husband not right when he says he isn't enough? Otherwise why would you pursue another relationship?

I'm asking these questions to hopefully help you to explain it to your husband.

Why do you want to expand your relationship to include this other man?
Be honest with yourself and your husband will likely hear it in your voice. Are you doing this because it is something that interests you only if you are "allowed" to do it, or is it a need of yours to share yourself with others intimately?

In other words, why are you poly? Be specific, be clear and then tell him. If it is because you are lacking excitement then tell him. If it is because you believe in a philosophy of intimate openess then tell him.

A lot of confusion and misunderstandning in these situations seems to come from people not being coherent in why and what they want. If we honestly answer those questions for ourselves then it will likely be much easier to communicate them to a partner.
 
Is your husband not right when he says he isn't enough? Otherwise why would you pursue another relationship?

I guess my response is ENOUGH for what? He and I try to flirt with each other and that falls so flat. I love him dearly but he's a bit of a depressive. AND yes he's on medication already.

He and this other guy are about 180 degrees apart in EVERYTHING.... like night and day...

and yet if hubby said 'give it up" I would.
if hubby said "give up swinging" I could and I would. and yes there is a distinction. I do NOT want to give up this new flirtation/relationship with the other guy...

My hubby is more than enough in the bedroom... and he knows that. it's the brain matter that is the issue here....


I'm asking these questions to hopefully help you to explain it to your husband.

Why do you want to expand your relationship to include this other man?

because I can? is that a fair answer? this other man... oh how he intrigues me...

hubby would be FINE if it was about sex... that's what swingers do... but with this other guy it's NOT about sex. it's about his brain. I guess that's scary to my DH.

I have a college degree. DH dropped out of 9th grade. he feels inadequate in so many aspects of our life alone and with our friends... it's hard for me to help him to love himself...

Be honest with yourself and your husband will likely hear it in your voice. Are you doing this because it is something that interests you only if you are "allowed" to do it, or is it a need of yours to share yourself with others intimately?

I want to do it. I do. BUT not at the expense of my marriage or my husband's feelings. and yet he has to have his friends... and he's ok with his flirts...

In other words, why are you poly? Be specific, be clear and then tell him. If it is because you are lacking excitement then tell him. If it is because you believe in a philosophy of intimate openess then tell him.

A lot of confusion and misunderstandning in these situations seems to come from people not being coherent in why and what they want. If we honestly answer those questions for ourselves then it will likely be much easier to communicate them to a partner.


I believe humans can love more than one person. I do. and I like being the new girl at the party...

this is so new to me... not something I ever considered... not sure what I'm doing here... maybe i'm going down the wrong path...
 
Any path that leads to more self awareness can't be the wrong one.

while that sounds good... if it wrecks my husband's fragile ego it's not worth it but then I'm left angry and resentful and continuing to think that it's unfair...

and it is. I admit that.
 
Sometimes these things need to normalize and that takes time. I would suggest introducing the two of them so that your husband and he can see how different they are and "get it" more. Sometimes these things get so blown up in our heads when really there is no big issues going on at all.
 
Sometimes these things need to normalize and that takes time. I would suggest introducing the two of them so that your husband and he can see how different they are and "get it" more. Sometimes these things get so blown up in our heads when really there is no big issues going on at all.

actually hubby knew him first....
 
x2 - this part is very important IMHO.


every day in every way more than once...

I fear that time will be the only thing that will make him see that he's always my number one....

he said his concern is with the idea of my having/needing another husband...

and yet that was sort of what I said and yet more and more I know I was misspeaking the terms of where Mr. DNPWWO fits into my life....

i guess we are all still trying to figure it out.
 
every day in every way more than once...

I fear that time will be the only thing that will make him see that he's always my number one....

he said his concern is with the idea of my having/needing another husband...

and yet that was sort of what I said and yet more and more I know I was misspeaking the terms of where Mr. DNPWWO fits into my life....

i guess we are all still trying to figure it out.

Is the constant reassurance wearing on you? Are you afraid it will make you resent him?

I know I'm still trying to figure it out... dunno if I ever completely will, but life's about the journey, right?
 
Is the constant reassurance wearing on you? Are you afraid it will make you resent him?

I know I'm still trying to figure it out... dunno if I ever completely will, but life's about the journey, right?

no it's not... I hurt for him. I could and would tell him every hour that I love him adore him, need him and want him...
 
For me time and reassurance was exactly what I needed, but I know for some people, time just causes a festering wound.

What really helped me was for Karma to tell me why he chose me. Why he chose to stay with me and her instead of leaving me for her. I needed to hear why I was special, why I was different.

I felt that I obviously wasn't enough, why else would he need someone else? I have poly leanings, but was able to commit fully to Karma. He ws enough for me, that's why I married him, so why wasn't I for him?

It took me really thinking about things to understand that the I accepted the more I came to know myself.

And honestly, the biggest help for me, was to have a long time crush persue me. At a party on night we kissed quite a few times, and he told me that it was my marriage that stood in the way of us.

I left that night thinking why? Why does it have to? And then the light switch turned on. I guess I needed to have feeling for someone else awoken in order to see where Karma was coming from.

He is my other half. He is enough. Adding someone else just makes it better.

I'm a pastry chef so I do food analogies a lot.

I love warm apple pie. I love vanila ice cream. Warm apple pie with vanila ice cream is heaven. I can have one without the other and be completely satisfied, but when I can have both I experience multiple textures, temperatures, flavors, mouth feel, they enhance eachother.

I'm Karmas apple pie and Cricket is his ice cream. Our marriage has had so many positives because of his relationship with her. New perspectives, new awareness, much better communication.

Keep that open line of communication. Encourage your husband to express his feelings without being made to feel bad.

One thing that really helped me was that Karma NEVER made me feel like I was wrong for how I felt. He got frustrated in not knowing how to help, he hurt b/c I hurt, but I never felt that I couldn't tell him how I felt and have it respected.

It took us a lot of talking, a few tears, some insecurities, some anger, some feeling left out, but we're so much better for it.

It sounds like you are being respectful of him, so good for you, keep at it. Ask him what he needs and try your best to provide that.
 
For me time and reassurance was exactly what I needed, but I know for some people, time just causes a festering wound.

What really helped me was for Karma to tell me why he chose me. Why he chose to stay with me and her instead of leaving me for her. I needed to hear why I was special, why I was different.

I felt that I obviously wasn't enough, why else would he need someone else? I have poly leanings, but was able to commit fully to Karma. He ws enough for me, that's why I married him, so why wasn't I for him?

It took me really thinking about things to understand that the I accepted the more I came to know myself.

And honestly, the biggest help for me, was to have a long time crush persue me. At a party on night we kissed quite a few times, and he told me that it was my marriage that stood in the way of us.

I left that night thinking why? Why does it have to? And then the light switch turned on. I guess I needed to have feeling for someone else awoken in order to see where Karma was coming from.

He is my other half. He is enough. Adding someone else just makes it better.

I'm a pastry chef so I do food analogies a lot.

I love warm apple pie. I love vanila ice cream. Warm apple pie with vanila ice cream is heaven. I can have one without the other and be completely satisfied, but when I can have both I experience multiple textures, temperatures, flavors, mouth feel, they enhance eachother.

I'm Karmas apple pie and Cricket is his ice cream. Our marriage has had so many positives because of his relationship with her. New perspectives, new awareness, much better communication.

Keep that open line of communication. Encourage your husband to express his feelings without being made to feel bad.

One thing that really helped me was that Karma NEVER made me feel like I was wrong for how I felt. He got frustrated in not knowing how to help, he hurt b/c I hurt, but I never felt that I couldn't tell him how I felt and have it respected.

It took us a lot of talking, a few tears, some insecurities, some anger, some feeling left out, but we're so much better for it.

It sounds like you are being respectful of him, so good for you, keep at it. Ask him what he needs and try your best to provide that.


wow thanks for this post I appreciate it.

we (hubs and I) are making progress... slowly... I am not sure even if we are truly going to be Poly or I'm just going to have this dalliance with approval... I don't KNOW... and that's what's so hard....
 
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