Navigating ex wife concerns

I've been in a LDR with my boyfriend for four years now and with my husband for 18 years. My husband and boyfriend have met a few times and are very respectful of each other. Both my hubs and BF are monogamous with me. My husband and I have a 10 year old child who has met my BF. My BF has a 16 year old daughter and an 18 year old son who live with their mother- (BF ex wife). I have been camping with BF and his son previously, but haven't met his daughter. BF proposed a long summer trip with his daughter which would include a short stop in my state and a night or two at my home.

BFs ex wife has expressly forbidden her daughter to be at my home with her father. Regardless of the myriad of inconsistencies with the ex wife's reasoning since their marriage had many of the same threads of non monagamy, and that their decree does not mandate her prior approval of vacation locations; she has​ threatened to involve a judge. My heart breaks at the vindictiveness towards my BF as his daughter has expressed a big interest in meeting me. And it is breaking a bit at the judgement and assumptions of me without ever meeting me or asking any questions.

My question is not for me, but for my BF- what resources are there to support him and challenge the threat to his parental rights?

After four years, I would enjoy meeting his daughter and getting to know her and hopefully show her that her dad is in a happy relationship, but it has to be the appropriate time.
 
Thank you Kevin, very much appreciated. The ex wife happens to be an attorney herself so it really is her comfort zone.

I really don't know how those Friend-of-the-court positions function in divorce cases.
 
My heart breaks at the vindictiveness... ...what resources are there to support him and challenge the threat to his parental rights?

DO NOT GET INVOLVED

You have only your BF's perspective to go on, so it's very important for you to keep in mind that you have absolutely no ability to see the whole picture here. What he reports and you perceive as "vindictiveness" could easily be her way of expressing "parental responsibility." The wife here likely has very good reasons (to her mind) for keeping her daughter away from this situation. We just can't know and neither can you, no matter how much your BF has described his ex to you. The vilification of ex-spouses is the number one reason that divorces go bad and they get even worse if the newer partner (in this case, you) gets on board with taking up the cause. You have no way of seeing the complete situation and you have no way of knowing what this mother's perspective is. I get it that you want to show loyalty to your BF, but you really do him no favors by attempting to bolster his cause. Your efforts will help him dig an even deeper trench for this battle, but all you'll be left with is a bigger war. The best thing for a newer parter to do is take a supportive but neutral stance when any other couple is in conflict.
 
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Dear Musthavebeentheroses,

The situation you are in sounds terrible!

Without more information however, I'd have to agree with FallenAngelina. She has proven herself wise in many other discussions on these forums. However, bear in mind that we only see a snapshot of the big picture you see. If you feel we've interpreted the situation wrongly, please feel free to add more for us to consider. In the end though, we will never understand the complexities of your life as well as you do even if you spend several pages explaining, so feel free to disregard us if our decisions don't ring true for you.

Good luck. We're on your side!
-Shaya.
 
BF proposed a long summer trip with his daughter which would include a short stop in my state and a night or two at my home.

BFs ex wife has expressly forbidden her daughter to be at my home with her father.

Why not skip the whole drama and get the two of them a hotel room while they're in town?
 
Why not skip the whole drama and get the two of them a hotel room while they're in town?

Qualifying this as drama makes a lot of sense to me.

I'm all stocked up on jealous, controlling, ex-wife drama. Try next door.
 
I agree with Angel, Dont get involved. Courts DO NOT like anyone but the parents directly being involved in anything court related.

The suggestion for a hotel is a good one. Pick your battles with issues in family courts.

And I would never suggest getting FOC involved.. Never, they run your life once you involve them.
 
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