Spork
Active member
Also, to the actual subject as started by Ravenscroft...
I would raise an eyebrow at the newbies who open mono relationships to poly and go forth seeking their "third" (unicorn) to be polyfi with, as being a bit of cart put before the horse at the very least.
There was a guy who was posting in the fetlife classifieds in my area, actually a very friendly acquaintance of mine from the scene, who went so far as to say that he was tired of dating and having transient relationships in life and wanted to find THE ONE. He was a man on a mission. He wanted a subbish woman who would be his and only his for the rest of their lives, and offered the same absolute loyalty and commitment in return. Proceeded to outline his prospects and fitness for the job.
Guess how many ladies were lining up to start planning eternity with this man? And he thought that what he wanted was what women wanted too, or that there have to be some of us that do, and that he'd get a good response. He was pretty dejected when it didn't work out that way.
I talked to him later and explained the thing where if you go to the wide world of strangers looking to meet partners, with this very rigid container of your needs that you expect to smash them into until they fit, people...women...don't necessarily like that idea. We prefer to meet and evaluate each other as individuals, rather than to think that any woman, first come first served, would do as long as they meet YOUR NEEDS. It's a lot of pressure to put on someone you have never even met yet.
Similarly, going out there expecting that a "third" is going to meet certain minimum thresholds and comply with your expectations...can often be very unrealistic and we all know it. I think it's better to meet people with an open mind, and see what (if anything) comes together. It's good to have kind of a general idea of what you need, but not a seriously rigid container. You've got to be at least somewhat flexible.
But if people come together organically, and then later decide that a closed model with or without a bunch of rules, is what they want...as long as they're all being GENUINE about what they as individuals are happy agreeing to...and understand that things sometimes do change over time, and give each other the space to grow...the ability to renegotiate...THAT I do not have "problems" with.
I would raise an eyebrow at the newbies who open mono relationships to poly and go forth seeking their "third" (unicorn) to be polyfi with, as being a bit of cart put before the horse at the very least.
There was a guy who was posting in the fetlife classifieds in my area, actually a very friendly acquaintance of mine from the scene, who went so far as to say that he was tired of dating and having transient relationships in life and wanted to find THE ONE. He was a man on a mission. He wanted a subbish woman who would be his and only his for the rest of their lives, and offered the same absolute loyalty and commitment in return. Proceeded to outline his prospects and fitness for the job.
Guess how many ladies were lining up to start planning eternity with this man? And he thought that what he wanted was what women wanted too, or that there have to be some of us that do, and that he'd get a good response. He was pretty dejected when it didn't work out that way.
I talked to him later and explained the thing where if you go to the wide world of strangers looking to meet partners, with this very rigid container of your needs that you expect to smash them into until they fit, people...women...don't necessarily like that idea. We prefer to meet and evaluate each other as individuals, rather than to think that any woman, first come first served, would do as long as they meet YOUR NEEDS. It's a lot of pressure to put on someone you have never even met yet.
Similarly, going out there expecting that a "third" is going to meet certain minimum thresholds and comply with your expectations...can often be very unrealistic and we all know it. I think it's better to meet people with an open mind, and see what (if anything) comes together. It's good to have kind of a general idea of what you need, but not a seriously rigid container. You've got to be at least somewhat flexible.
But if people come together organically, and then later decide that a closed model with or without a bunch of rules, is what they want...as long as they're all being GENUINE about what they as individuals are happy agreeing to...and understand that things sometimes do change over time, and give each other the space to grow...the ability to renegotiate...THAT I do not have "problems" with.